Sleep avoidance

I don't want to sleep. ...well, now I do, 'cause it's 12:30 & exhuastion is finally starting to kick in, but at 10 o'clock & 11o'clock & even at 11;30 - all of which are more sane times to go to bed, I didn't want to sleep.....

...I'm home in Calgary now. Mom & Preston have been in Red Deer keeping Dad company. I've been here in the hopes that I could get a few days away as an 'emotional'/'physical' break so I'd be ready to be available when Dad comes down for his angiogram/possible surgery & then I could be present to, well, to basically do nothing, but just to be there so he's not alone, so he has an advocate & so he has a friendly face waiting for him when/if he needs/wants it.

We were hoping he'd come down Wednesday, but so far we've heard nothing definite... we've heard nothing really. Mom & Preston left today 'cause they have to get back to their lives a bit. So tomorrow is Dad's 1st day completely on his own....

....mentally I feel like I have this obligation to clean/prepare while I'm here. I'm trying to organize my life & organize my house so I'm 'ready' in case dad needs to stay over for a while & recover from surgery. Normally I don't care so much about how the place looks (which I'm sure many (especially the roomies) can attest to), but I want something at least kind of halfway decent for dad.... and yeah, I have good intentions, but lack the motivation. I don't want to 'do' anything really....

...but I don't want to sleep... rest is likely my greatest friend right now, but there's the numbness I feel when I think about laying there in the silence with nothing but the pumping of blood echoing in my ears. The silence, though welcome, sort of leaves room for all the thoughts that have not been spoken... the voice of loneliness, the voice of responsibility of all that I have not done, not accomplished or (in the case of work) have no idea how I'm going to accomplish it. There are the worries about my dad. There is the aching of not wanting to have him face this stuff alone... there are the longings for something more...

...and so I stay up, keep finding one more thing to do, one more activity, one more excuse not to let my head hit pillow.... and I wait until exhuastion takes over so the time between laying down & drifting into the dreamscape is short... no time for the voices to creep in & talk to me of all the things left undone, or that tell me how undone I am....

and then I'll go through a jumble of dreams - mixtures of metaphors & mayhem... the garbled language of dreams where your subconscious speaks with uninhibited voice... and then I awake, far too soon, to screaming alarms & hastily pressed snooze buttons & find the silence waiting for me... In the morning the silence is peaceful - it's the calm before the 'doing' - it's a place of rest before the effort, a place to prepare for the onslaught of the day...

but then the day continues & the night come & the cycle repeats.... the silence waits for us & perhaps waits for that chance to speak to us & whisper to us in our dreams.....

'nite.