Haunted

"I was a miserable father twice... I never intended to stay away, son. It was just that, back home, everywhere I looked I saw your mother." - Bob Fraser
"I know, dad" - Benton Fraser

Due South, "Hunting Season"

There are places in life where you are haunted. Places where you walk alone & yet there are ghosts with you every where you turn. Memories of what was, dreams of what could have been. Everywhere you look you can see evidence, shadows, of these things, these people that your heart longs to see...

Sometimes it's memories of old friends... you go to some place you used to hang out. Some place where you had coffee & shared a laugh, or stories, or tears.... and suddenly you find yourself overwhelmed by memories & emotions & you see the past flicker before your eyes & can watch yourself sitting there, talking with them.... Sometimes it's a smell, or a taste of a favorite food - or someone says something or you see a stranger that reminds you of them & you realize in that moment how much their presence is missed.

And sometimes you end up being haunted by people you haven't met yet. They're people that your heart knows. People your dreams have given shape to - what they'll look like, who they'll be, the adventures you'll share...all this stuff.... and there are days when the ghosts of what could be are quiet & you live your normal life quite merrily going about the day to day. But other days, the quiet & silence, the moments alone speak in whispers of the one who is not there & the sense of loss/emptiness that is there simply because they are not....

Years ago, Wes King wrote this beautiful/heartwrenching song about his longing for kids & he & his wife's battle with infertility (now they've got 3 boys, but looks like Wes is fighting cancer).... anyhow, the song lyrics to "Thought you'd be here" go like this:

"We thought you'd be here by now /your Mother and I /We're praying through our tears / that somehow / We might hear your sweet cry / Have we waited to long / It's getting harder to be strong / Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing / I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme / and melodies, child / And if you like dreaming / Your Mother will make your / imagination run wild / Somehow, / we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you, upstairs / It's right down the hall / So we'll be close should you ever / get scared / We'll come when you call / It's a room full of stories / Waiting to be told / Longing to behold

And if you like laughing / I'll paint you a circus of smiles / and ferris wheels, dear / And if you like living / Your Mother will fly you to / worlds both far and near / Somehow....

I never knew the silence / could make me so deaf / I never knew that I could / miss someone I never met / Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting "

and yeah, sucks to be looking for people that you haven't met (yet). Sometimes you think they're just dreams & that they don't exist. Other days you hear of things like good dads getting cancer or noble husbands saying goodbye to their beloved wife & you think, 'maybe it's easier to do the alone gig. It's less risky & you get kind of used to it.' But yeah, life never lets you get used to the alone gig for too long. There's always some nut-job who wants to be nice to you & reminds you you're still part of the human race, still part of these mythical things called 'community' and 'family'.... and yeah, even if those people aren't there, there's always the not-met-yet people that haunt your dreams & your waking hours....