Advent Contribution: Love

So, a friend has the fabulous idea to do a living advent wreath at church. The advent wreath contains 5 candles. The four in the corners stand for hope, joy, love & peace, the centre one for Christ. My friend wanted to have 4 people stand up representing each of the 4 candles. He asked me to represent 'love'....

As per usual, I'm never sure whether I got the task right or put together what was wanted. Ultimately, I just tried to be honest with where things are at for me. I was all inspired by a beat poet commentary on John 4 another friend used in their sermon & so I wanted to do something cool & beat-poet-y, but I've got no rythm & flow, so I did the best I could.

the ideas for this came together over a few days as phrases/thoughts/images came to my head as I was not doing other things that required active higher concentration brain functions (driving, walking, cleaning, etc.) normally when I write stuff, i try to do things on 'first take', as it seems more raw than editing a lot. This one I took the time to edit (& could probably still tweak it).

A person forgets how the vulnerable thing works. When I started writing, I was all 'no big deal', but then as it got closer & closer to sharing this in public, it all went to crap. The night before I'm printing it off thinking what utter crap this all is. On Sunday, I'm all wrecked from a sleepless night (too much on my mind with all this), feeling like what I've written is way too serious or isn't for the crowd assembled & realizing how few people I really 'know' at church anymore. Realized how much it felt like dropping your pants in front of a crowd of strangers. Also felt a lot like a suicide bomber - the incredible exploding man who for the entertainment of the masses/a cause blows himself up & splatters bits of his guts on everyone.

When I shared I was so nervous. Couldn't make eye contact, my heart was racing, adrenaline screaming through my veins, stomach flopping. And when I'd finished I was shaking & was covered in sweat.

Again, I guess it's the stuff I take for granted with some of the amazing friends I have that I can be fully vulnerable & it's all no big deal. But because of that I've forgotten what it feels like to be mass market vulnerable. I was probably acting like a jerk to people afterwards 'cause people wanted to talk to me & I was kind of brushing them off. I didn't mean to be rude, I just couldn't really talk. Not speaking was kind of my equivalent of going, "excuse me, I need to go find some pants to cover things.... "

And yeah, sharing this stuff has the added 'cost' of that it's kind of let the cat out of the bag in my own heart. I've been managing the ache OK for myself. I've been struggling with the ache of friends & trying to intercede for them. The intercession has been good, but I'm trying to hang on to hope for friends who feel like they have lost hope & that has gotten overwhelming. (I've taken to wearing my 'blue lantern' ring as a crutch - whole 'nother story there). But yeah, opening this stuff up for me has kind of broken some flood gates. Found myself sobbing at least twice on the plane (or maybe once before boarding & once on the plane, or maybe more than twice)... and now it's kind of touch & go whether I hold it together or not. It's maybe not that bad. I'm hoping it's all 'birth pangs', but it's starting to move out of the realm of manageable.....

Anyhow, here's what I shared


I ache for love
Her face haunts my dreams
I hear her voice on the edges of my thoughts
The sound of her laughter comes carried on the wind
her smile flashes
her eyes sparkle
Always
ever
Just out of reach

i ache for love
"She" is the woman I haven't met yet
or haven't recognized
She is the woman I love
My Eve
the one that makes me feel like I have seen
woman
for the first time

I ache for love
The ache,
the constant, open wound
like the place where adam lost his rib
is more manageable some days than others
There is an empty space in my bed
That I leave open for her
It reminds me of the person that isn't there
Most nights I sleep OK
Though most nights I stay up too late
to drive myself to exhaustion
So that the empty space doesn't swallow me
leaving me to stare at the ceiling all night
waiting for sleep to claim me
and put to rest the thoughts that torment me

I ache for love.
I am the sideshow
here for the entertainment of the masses
Step right up ladies & gentlemen
come see the 37 year old virgin
(you don't see many of these in captivity anymore)
This one's a real catch!
He's got a career,
a stable job,
his own house,
a good church going boy
He's good with kids
& he cooks!
and he's still single...

I ache for love...
Before, being single was a gift
finding freedom & community with friends
the solitary forming families
Now it feels like being single
is an obvious mark of defect
like my 'best before' date has expired
and I should be thrown out like old milk
It seems to others
that my singleness is something they can easily fix
So I endure endless suggestions
Have you tried eHarmony?
how about speed dating?
you're looking too hard
you're not looking hard enough
you should stop looking
you should get a new look
what about her?
You have so much in common
You're both old & desperate
How about that one?
She still has a pulse.
you can't be too picky at your age

I ache for love.
that kind of help I don't need
and I sure don't need pity
If you really want to help
find love
romance your beloved
bring her flowers & laughter
out of the overflow of love & joy
bring him tenderness and understanding
out of the fires of respect & adoration
Try to fill anothers ache for love
Maybe that will remind me
and my other single friends
That love exists
that fairy tales come true
that maybe,
just maybe
we will find the ones we ache for

I ache for love
Is she still out there?
Maybe the woman of my dreams
Is just a dream?
Maybe she doesn't exist
Maybe I'll never find her
Maybe I've missed her
Maybe she won't want me
What if I'm not enough?
Not handsome enough?
Not wild enough?
Not stable enough?
Not confident enough?
Not cool enough?
Not thin enough?
Not christian enough?
Not fun enough?
Not good enough
Not this enough
Not that enough

NO!!!!
LOVE ACHES FOR ME!!!
The love of Jesus pursues me relentlessly
I am the bride taken from His side
where the blood and water flowed
I am His prize
I am His favorite
I captivate Him
He delights in me
He is ravished with my feeble heart
He came for me 2000 years ago
and He fights for me each day
to keep me back from shame, fear and despair
It is His love that defines me
His voice that says I am worthy of love
And though the heavens feel like brass
and my prayers feel ignored
and it seems He's forgotten me
and doesn't feel my ache
I know somewhere beyond the knowing
that I am loved
that God is with us
That change,
salvation,
fulfillment of hope
is just around the corner

and so I wait
and ache for love
even so, come quickly

Single white male seeks relationship.....

So have been thinking that I need to get into the internet dating world again. Just looking to find someone & realizing that my circle of friends is maybe not going to get any bigger without me trying to do something to expand it.

My previous experiences with internet dating have been pretty mixed. Met maybe a couple of really nice people (and the odd crazy - that is 'odd' as in an odd number as opposed to just one person that was both odd & crazy, though I think I met her, too). More of an issue was just the painfulness and unnaturalness of the whole process. In the last go round, I was trying internet dating and looking to buy a new car at around the same time. In the end I started putting together spreadsheets for both car selection and dating selection. You know, basically weighing out the pros & cons of each of the makes & models out there and trying to figure out which ones I should 'test drive'.... yeah, oddly enough kind of sickening....

...in the end I bought a car & really like the car....and i'm still single. Didn't really end up going on too many dates.... found that finding the best sounding profile means nothing. Romance is that mystery thing of where you either click with someone or you don't.

The whole thing of internet dating feels sort of degrading, though it's maybe one of the few ways to meet people these days as our communities are non-existent and we grow more & more isolated in our north american insanity. Again, one of the challenges is how do you judge a person by their profile? And on the flip side, what do you put in your profile? Reveal too little & you sound like everyone else out there. Reveal too much and you sound either odd crazy, desperate or well, naked & overexposed...

So, when it has come time to put together a new dating profile for this go round, I've been stuck for months on this question of what to put in a profile. What do i say about myself? Me who is so used to listening to other people's stories and seeing/helping others see the significance of their lives, I have forgotten how to hear my own story.... and so yeah, i was at a loss til one day in church I was thinking about it all and heard the phrase "once upon a time...." in my head...

...and so I felt that was an encouragement to tell my story in a profile. To try to distill 37 years of life into 2000 characters or so. This took a while to get around to & to let the story work itself out. But, last Saturday in the middle of a quiet morning at home, the story worked it's way out...

...and now that it's out, all the urges for internet dating, etc. have been sort of taken away.... (which is maybe just as well since they don't seem to be able to put my profile picture up).... I'm kind of back to being contented being me and more willing to let life come as it may.

In the end, I think I'm the one that needs to fall in love with me before I maybe find a woman who does. Looking at my 'story', I think, "man, that guy's weird, but I'd date him".... I know it sounds silly, but there's something healing in that.

Anyhow, here's my story/profile:

Once upon a time, a son was born to a carpenter who wanted to farm & to his beautiful bride who longed to teach children to read. The son & his 2 brothers were raised in the flatlands where they were taught to love God, love people, ive simply, give generously, stand up for the oppressed & savour the richness & beauty of the land that sheltered & fed them. As the boy grew he lived full of dreams; dreams of experiencing adventures, battling injustice & finding true love. As the boy grew to a teen he found the world was not as he was told; that image, popularity & conformity were valued over adventure, justice & love. The boy felt lost in this new world &, while he tried to fit in, he found himself more and more alone. As the boy grew into a man he continued to wrestle with this duality, splitting his time between a 'respectable' job & the dreams of his youth. In the wrestle, the man would spend increasing amounts of time trying to minister to the poor, to inspire creatives, to awaken hunger for truth in the hearts of people, to walk alongside the broken in their dark valleys and point them to light. All this 'trying' continued until one year when his God relentlessly tore it all away until all that was left was the man & God's relentless love for him.

Since then, the man has been learning. Learning to live in wonder, to see beauty that makes his heart ache, to find joy in each moment, to celebrate again the simple things and the rich gift of life. Learning to be; to let life flow out of who he is instead of trying to be someone else. Learning to find rest. Learning to live in hunger and to embrace ache without fear. Learning to be loved & learning to love relentlessly. Learning to dream again...

And the boy who grew into a man still dreams of finding true love; of a best friend and equal partner in adventure, life, battle and ministry. His search for her continues to this day.....

Lost enough to be led

I stopped blogging a while back 'cause people were saying my writing sounded a tad on the crazy side.... well, maybe they put it better than that. But something to that effect. Something like, "a girl probably wouldn't be interested in you if she read some of the things you write." Again, not an exact quote, but you get the idea. So I stopped for a while.... and still single (though I guess I could not be if I wanted to... not sure my crazy writing would scare off some people)... so yeah, not talking crazy hasn't seemed to help the dating situation, so might as well just go back to being me & writing what comes to mind.

Last night felt like a total waste. Came home & watched 'City of God' which was supposed to be, from what I was told, a really beautiful/fantastic movie. It was about the gangs in the slums in Rio De Janeiro and yeah, maybe a good movie somewhere, but not really so beautiful. Found myself bored with the movie & just aggravated. There was so much evil in there, lots of crime and violence. I kept waiting for someone to shoot Li'l Ze' to end the little tyrant's reign. Just another stupid bully. As the movie wore on I was sort of hoping that everyone would get wiped out. It didn't feel like there was maybe even one soul that wasn't evil in that place, or at least substantially touched by it, or easily drawn into it....

... today in Wal-mart saw some dad yelling at his little girl promising to her that he'd never take her shopping again unless she picked something now. It is so hard to know when to step in. For all I know the kid could've been being a brat & this was the best way to try to bring discipline to her out of love. My initial reaction was that it was one more child in an adults body who had no idea how to parent & who is likely causing all kinds of damage to their kid, who will then damage their children, and their children after them.... looking at the cycles of abuse & damage, I left feeling kind of hopeless and thinking again that maybe God's judgement on our society is the most merciful thing he can do. Maybe it would be for the best if God wiped humanity off the planet. For all the ways we damage each other, maybe we'd be better off if it all just ended.....

... normally I'm the one begging for God to intervene, to show mercy. Normally I side pretty heavily on the side of people & cry out that we're sheep that have gone astray & we need our shepherd to lead and guide us. I am noticing more & more lately that I am less willing to intercede for humanity as a whole. I could've sworn that there is a passage in the Bible where, after all the times Moses reminds God of His promises and pleads with God to not wipe out Israel, Moses finally loses it & is giving God permission to wipe out Israel & God has to talk him off the ledge.... I can't find that passage any more. Not sure whether I just made it up or if it's some other kind of sign.....

... was listening to Rich Mullins' "The Jesus Project" today. Man that brings up memories. I put together an 11 week bible study framed around the songs of the album. It was a labour of love both for Rich, as he had died shortly before the album release, and Jesus. I had to fight so hard to get that in. I felt like I was constantly having to prove myself to Norm & constantly being talked about negatively by Steven. I just got this vibe from them always that I was doing the wrong things. Maybe I was. Not sure if they wanted me to do some Bible study book or what. Maybe I wasn't studying the Bible so well because we worked through topics/concepts/questions instead of just the Bible. I do remember moments from that study though, some that were beautiful, or at least seemed to be right & opened people to pondering Christ if not maybe encountering him. Who knows what happened. It was shortly after that that I switched up the group to being a sports night get together 'cause people seemed to be wanting something other than a Bible study. Maybe I read that wrong, too. It wasn't long after that that things started to fizzle & I ended up leaving anyhow.... that became the first of many Bible study groups that I've managed to kill off in my chain of failure/wake of destruction :)

Listening today is bringing back so many things and putting me in touch again with old truths and things that touched my heart very long ago & are speaking to me again. Mostly realized today how much the gospel confounds me. I so used to think I understood how things work and it gets less and less clear every year. Jesus comes to earth to be saviour and has three years or so of visible ministry and then lays down his life and dies, is raised to life and then leaves. And yes, this has changed the world and the ripples are pulsing through my life today, but it is all just so counter-intuitive. I feel so strongly the ache to be able to make a difference, to be an agent of redemption and yet God's message seems to be so small scale; receive God's love, learn to love Him and be captivated by Him, love others, enjoy each moment as a gift/act of worship. That's it..... and like Naaman I'm standing by the Jordan looking for something great to do when all He asks for me to do is to be loved & love. This doesn't sound like a strategy for dealing with gang in Rio De Janeiro or crap parents in wal-mart... or the endless need/ache in the world around me....

It's no wonder I sound crazy. You stare into the sun too long you go blind. You stare into the light of Christ for too long and, well, it messes with the way you see things. You maybe find yourself, as Rich says, "lost enough to let yourself be led"; totally confused by what God is doing, but yet in awe and worship of how incredible and incredibly other He is, of how He works so differently than the ways of man. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, that which is born of the spirit is spirit. In all the trying to figure out stuff, it feels like a battle of the flesh. God, may your Holy Spirit quicken my spirit afresh. Show me what the true power of the gospel is. Lead me in this place of feeling lost.

“If you’re hearing this, you are the revolution.”

These are the words of John Connor in Terminator Salvation. Not the greatest movie, but these words were like a knife to me. In the movie the idea was that any human left who could hear his voice was, by default, part of the revolution to prevent humanity from being wiped out by the machines.

In many senses, especially in light of the recent vision I had, the same is true of us. In so many ways, there have been systematic attempts to wipe out humanity – both from our own stupidity, foolishness, selfishness, greed, arrogance, hate, evil, and, in my opinion, the darker forces of the demonic. And where the world hasn’t killed us, it’s tried to own us, to make us slaves and labourers, to kill, if not our bodies, then our spirits, hopes, dreams, passions. There has been so much in our world as a whole, and, as we think about it, our lives specifically where we are lucky to be alive…

…and I think somewhere in that gift of life, is the message that we are, by default, part of the revolution. The revolution against fear, prejudice, hate, the revolution against selfishness, idolatry, the revolution against oppression, slavery, injustice. Really it is the revolution of love – true, selfless giving of ourselves, our time, our possessions, everything….

And so in many ways, I feel that for each of us who have physical life, or who have the spark of passion, of hope, of love, of joy burning in our hearts in whatever small fragmentary embers remains that the world hasn’t totally snuffed out yet, we are the revolution. It is our voices that need to be heard in the world. We need to be messengers of life, of hope, of dignity & compassion.

This brings a weight to our words, to our lives. Every moment is meant to be lived. To savour & celebrate the uniqueness of our creation, the gift of being made in His image and experiencing the gifts of life and relationship. And so in each word we speak, in each flavour we savour on our tongues, each time we laugh, each moment we celebrate, or weep, or rage. Everything we do out of the truth of who we are whether it be big or small, significant or insignificant, it matters. Each of us living our lives brings inspiration to others to live their lives. As we share our passions, it ignites the passions of others. As we bubble over with joy, it becomes contagious. As we walk in beauty, others find inspiration. As we weep and mourn, others find depths of heart/feelings that have been locked for years. As we rage & make others uncomfortable with hard words, we stir up the itches that can’t be scratched, the underlying cry for justice & mercy that all of us feel, but few find voice for…..

…and so there is a great need to not be silent, but to speak, to live, to act, to be larger than life, or, well, to just live life to the full, unashamed, unhidden, to let our lights shine before men & women….

So speak…. You are, after all, the revolution…..

….are you listening?

Wandering lost

Went on a prayer pilgrimage with members of my church community. Missing some, feeling closer to others than expected. Last week the pilgrimage was called on account of rain & I was bitter & angry and very, very unhappy. I felt the most lost that I have maybe ever been….and with my near monthly mid-life crises, that’s maybe saying something. The prayer week opened up a door in me again, let me taste the sweetness of presence. I felt His delight over us, saw visions of the ways the enemies have tried to exterminate this generation (and everyone before) and how that God has been sovereign over it all and, in the midst of all the death & despair & ache & loss has been raising up an innumerable cloud/horde of worshippers, intercessors, witnesses… voices that will not be silenced, can not be silenced, all crying out for freedom, for justice, for the night to turn to day & the dawn to come….

…and I’ve felt lost because after tasting that, how do you go back to normal again?! And the sadder truth is that it’s far too simple to go back to normal, to feel the fire of His kiss start to fade on your lips, to, like Moses, feel the glory fading from your face as you are further & further from the closeness of His presence….the memory of it all is still there, burning like embers in your chest, but all the while you’re going through the motions of the normal routines of life….

So today I wanted to join pilgrimage… or, well, to be more accurate, yesterday I wanted to join pilgrimage. Today I was dog tired and grumpy and felt none of the fire or passion or even desire to go. But I went, wanting to participate, to have the chance at experience….and so we walked & journeyed led by our messengers of enthusiasm & loyalty (Justice the dog & Daniel & Jenn’s kids).

The pilgrimage wasn’t what I expected. Lots of great parts of seeing beauty both in the sense of nature as we walked the trails and green spaces of Calgary, and in the sense of beautiful houses as we strolled through some of the more opulent neighbourhoods in Calgary. Most of these places I’d never seen before in the 13 years of being here. I enjoyed the ideas/concepts/discussions brought on by the walk & the ‘activities’. There was a beauty in making ourselves foolish in some of the moments. But yeah, just not what I expected….

.During the walk the words of Psalms 121 came into my head where David speaks saying, “I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes form the Lord which made heaven and earth.” Someone postulated the idea, and I’m not sure whether it was true or not, that the song is one of pilgrimage from the yearly journey to Zion for the day of atonement or some other gathering of worship at the temple. The person postulated that the reference to ‘lift up your eyes to the hills’ was from where the journeying worshippers would see all the places of idolatry set on the hills, the ‘high places’ as the pagan worshippers would assume the mountains put them closer to their gods. The person sharing this idea commented that they thought the psalm was David asking people to look at all of these places of false worship & to ask, where is your help really coming from? And the hearts of the true worshippers would say, “it is from the Lord, Jehovah, Yahweh, the maker of heaven & earth.”

I’ve head it said that the best place to see Zion, or even the temple is from outside the gates of Jersualem on the hill where Solomon let his foreign brides worship their false gods. This was beside Gehenna, Jerusalem’s garbage dump which burned with continual fires and became a metaphor for Hell.

As we walked today, metaphorically walking to Zion, I was hoping to see a bit more underbelly…. To have the high places pointed out to me, the seats of money & power in this city. The boardrooms and the backrooms, the places where lives are bought & sold. I was hoping to see the places of desperation, where there is ache & loss and heartache and people scrabble for morsels to feed their stomachs or their souls. I wanted to stand just this side of hell, to feel the stench fill my nostrils and the heat of the flame on my face…. Somewhere in there I was hoping to find desperation, and beyond the desperation hope, and beyond the hope was hoping to see revelation, again, of the only one who is our help.

But instead we walked & talked & saw beauty and clean. All of which is nice & great & there are lessons there… but it’s all harder to see, and I think I lost God in the middle of it all. Not that He wasn’t there, I just lost the sense of awareness. We talked about nice houses and money and need vs. want, enough vs. gluttony, nothingness & homelessness vs. just living vs. excess… and maybe in the end none of it mattered. As part of the journey they quoted Kierkegaard saying that seeking the kingdom of God isn’t about doing things or selling your house & giving it to the poor, seeking God’s kingdom is about seeking the kingdom, nothing else…. And as we wrestled with questions of money & life and what are we doing, all of which is good wrestle, we still lost the purpose which was to make the first commandment first and to just seek God….. and when we say we, really I mean, I because that’s all I can really speak for….

…. The rest of today has been a haze of tired & ache. I wanted to head to the U of C catholic community for mass tonight. Have never really been to a full mass & thought it would be a cool experiment just to learn what it looks like. Mostly wanted to go ‘cause I think the students that come to help at JLYS are fabulous people & they give a lot to our moms & kids & community and I wanted to go to the places where they are & worship with them, or at least see what worship looks like for them. But in the end, I ran out of time by trying to fit in making pizza and a having a nap and really needing to have just way more sleep. I should be cleaning my house, editing letters for Jason, putting together a dating profile, pulling in my hoses for winter before they freeze. But instead have been walking in a tired fog getting the bare minimum done to get me fed & have leftovers for lunches in the week ahead.

Watched the ‘Stone of Destiny’ tonight and that has led to a different haze. It’s a movie about four young people full with passion taking risks to steal back a symbol of Scottish freedom from the British who kept it under their throne as a sign of the subjection of the Scottish people. Watching the movie fuels the fires in me of ache for being significant, for making a difference, for bringing freedom to people, for igniting passion, for finding partners in crime and finding a courageous love. I’ve been all ache since finishing the movie. Restless. I’ve wanted to drive far & fast, to run out into the streets, to scream, to do something, anything to make me feel not caught in four walls, to not be caught in patterns of normal, not trapped by timidity or lack of vision. I want to talk to someone who understands this, to feel the strength of shared fire/passion. But in the end, many friends are away, or busy, or it really doesn’t matter. More talk maybe means nothing.

I feel the aloneness tonight of not being understood, of feeling foreign in my world & to my own people. I feel weak & cowardly because I talk instead of do. I feel foolish because I have no idea of what to ‘do’ and think that I should have better ideas & plans…

….and at the end of the day, the message is ‘love’…. That was what was spoken in ‘relentless’ voice to me in the middle of feeling lost… just love. It’s the simplest yet hardest, easiest & yet most courageous thing we can do. Love relentlessly like the relentless love we follow, who skips over mountains & hills……

Homeless

I want to be normal, really I do. I've been struggling with comparison, looking at myself & not being quite satisfied with the collection of flesh & blood & thoughts & emotions & personality & experiences & random collection of stuff that makes up 'me'... i've been comparing myself too much with others.. Mostly it's that stuff of being Adam in the garden, feeling my nakedness & shame & that I walk from relationship & love & stand there going, "I was naked & afraid & so I'm hiding myself"... It's not hiding 'cause I'm so ashamed of who I am, it's hiding 'cause I'm afraid I won't be loved for being me...

& yeah, so I've been sort of trying to relax with this. For the most part it's been semi, psuedo-working... OK, so it works once in a while. Every so often, I'm cool & collected & feeling pretty happy & together. Other moments I'm comparing myself to others & either trying to be normal or extraordinary, or extraordinarily normal, or normally extraordinary, or some combination of impressiveness without weirdness that will make me look like a sane individual... someone who the world around could be friends with & sort of think is not off his rocker...

& part of this effort has been not writing. It hasn't been that hard. I've been busy, haven't had much to say, in general & specifically not for public consumption... But yeah, it's meant a hiatus from writing & posting things on the blog. 'Specially 'cause people read the blog & worry....

So yeah, again, overall there's been some really great moments over the last week or so where I've felt pretty comfortable being me. Even comfortable around people... Even went through a really low day feeling totally useless & like an oxygen thief (stealing air other people could be using) &, oh, managed to counsel myself off the ledge quite effectively & then ended up in a place where I felt 'useful' not in the sense that I did something grand, but just that I was me & God maybe borrowed my tongue for a while or maybe it was just that being me was/is actually a really good thing.

Anyhow. today at work, I had a good day. I was up super early (in a 7AM - super early for me anyhow). Managed to keep my spirits high even amongst all the BS & stupidity & managed to be sort of useful & productive & feel like I wasn't totally stealing my paycheck & managed to surf past tiredness & boredom to actually keep a flow of activity through the day....

...I felt normal... well, kind of...

I started the day ripping a bunch of music onto the computer to listen to. Started the day with Eminem's "Loose yourself". It's one of Em's tunes that I actually really like & listening to it today I felt again the desperation of

"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment You own it, you better never let it go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo " - Eminem

and this song carried me through the majority of the morning. On the outside, I'm quiet, mild mannered engineer wandering the halls or sitting at my cube. Inside, I'm screaming the lyrics... feeling like this wild eyed, half crazed rapper with hungry kids, late on the rent, knowing that his families future depends on getting that one lyric right, seizing that one moment of being lost in the moment... feeling the desperation of life burning a hole through my chest, feeling the pressure of that one moment, that one shot, feeling the sand slipping through the hourglass knowing that there's only one life that I'm given & wanting to seize each moment & drink it deep...

This, by the way, makes it hard to not throw something at management & run into the sunlight to escape the 9-5..

...but I behaved &, after lunch settled back into being a good little worker bee without too much interruption. At the end of the day, I'm listening to Matisyahu's "Youth" & rediscovering the album after Rebekah & Nicoleta played me a track from it.... at the end of my work day, I end up listening to "Jerusalem" over & over again....

Jerusalem, if I forget you,
fire not gonna come from me tongue.
Jerusalem, if I forget you,
let my right hand forget what it's supposed to do.

In the ancient days, we will return with no delay
Picking up the bounty and the spoils on our way
We've been traveling from state to state
And them don't understand what they say
3,000 years with no place to be
And they want me to give up my milk and honey
Don't you see, it's not about the land or the sea
Not the country but the dwelling of his majesty

Rebuild the temple and the crown of glory
Years gone by, about sixty
Burn in the oven in this century
And the gas tried to choke, but it couldn't choke me
I will not lie down, I will not fall asleep
They come overseas, yes they're trying to be free
Erase the demons out of our memory
Change your name and your identity
Afraid of the truth and our dark history
Why is everybody always chasing we
Cut off the roots of your family tree
Don't you know that's not the way to be

[chorus]

Caught up in these ways, and the worlds gone craze
Don't you know it's just a phase
Case of the Simon says
If I forget the truth then my words won't penetrate
Babylon burning in the place, can't see through the haze
Chop down all of them dirty ways,
That's the price that you pay for selling lies to the youth
No way, not ok, oh no way, not ok, hey
Aint no one gonna break my stride
Aint no one gonna pull me down
Oh no, I got to keep on moving
Stay alive

[chorus]

And again, in the middle of my happy, productive day, my heart is captured again. I can't read my note's 'cause there are tears in my eyes. I start aching for a home I haven't seen yet, Jerusalem old & new whisper to me & call me as one of her sons to remember her stones & the dust of the city... my heart starts to pray for the peace of Jerusalem, 3000 years of struggle & conflict weighing on me. Isaac, Ishmael, their battle still raging through the centuries, promises of blessing for each & relationship with their true Father, the God of Abraham....

...and yeah, maybe this is a good thing that in a moment I'm in this zone of aching, groaning for kingdom, for peace, for reconciliation, for the plans of God & the kingdom of God to be made manifest... but I feel like a freak. I thought about writing something on facebook - updating my status to "kirk is praying for Jerusalem", or "Kirk is thinking about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict" or "Kirk is homesick for the old/new Jerusalem" & I stopped myself 'cause I'm thinking people are going to come with the white jackets if I'm not careful about my self expression in public forums...

...and so my 'normal' work day ends as it began - calm on the outside, aching, craving, groaning, screaming on the inside... and somehow locked in prayer that comes in bursts of petition, and long stretches of soul-ache...

Finally home, I settle back into normality. Supper, some TV, start mowing the lawn. An hour & a half later, the jungle is tamed & the lawn is now at levels acceptable for the neighborhood beautification group, the nazis that worry about how tall your grass is & how many dandilions you have. I don't really know my neighbors, to my shame, but I feel fear of their impressions of my messed up little lawn...

Exhausted, I rest in the tub for a while, then flip on the computer to surf the web for a bit & decide to thrown on Tiffany's latest album. yes, Tiffany, the chick singer from the 80's. She's still producing music, to her credit. Albums are maybe not the most noteworthy, but they don't suck. They're pretty good actually. Honest truth is that I had a crush on her when I was 15 (she was 16) & so I buy her albums as they come out, partly to follow her career, partly supporting her career as someone from my generation still pursing her dreams, partly as penance or something for silly teenage crushes.

I'm half listening to the album while doing other stuff & worrying about how to fit things into my week, when I'm interrupted by this song:

Streets of Gold - by Tommy Wright

He stands on a street with a jar at his feet and his arms stretched t'ward the sky
God's word in his grip, there's a song on his lips I would not be denied
Winos walking past see the change in his glass and the devil takes control
They commit their sin for a half pint of gin to help fight off the cold
They laugh & they joke, tugged his old tattered coat saying preacher pray for me
Satan made us his slaves, can three whores be saved? Will Jesus set us free?

He prays Father please forgive them, oh they know not what they do
If there's no more room in heaven for these forgotten few
Lord, give this beggar's mansion to these lost wandering souls
and when I get to heaven, I'll sleep on the streets of gold

He lays down his head on the mission's last bed as they turn out the front porch light
There's a knock at the door, is there room for one more? I'm sorry not tonight
But he gives up his place for the sidewalk on 8th where the angels take his soul

to a mansion so fair built for many to share there by those streets of gold
He prays Father please forgive them for they know not what they do
If there's no more room in heaven for these forgotten few
Lord, give this beggar's mansion to these lost wandering souls
and when I get to heaven, I'll sleep on the streets of gold

And I'm broken open. I'm choking on sobs as I think about being homeless in heaven, about Paul going, "I'd rather choose hell if it would mean one soul of Israel makes it into glory", about the heart of sacrifice & how it's my heart, too... and i question my home in the suburbs & my normal, safe life & I question how much I give & yet just pray for those who are outside & who don't have & i know that it's kind of OK, too... that God's got this heart of mine & there's plenty of room for sacrifice to come, plenty of spaces to lose myself in the moment... I think of Zephaniah 3:12 that I read long ago & seemed to misinterpret (maybe) that there would be 'poor' people in heaven & that somehow this shows the true beauty of God's people that we are made to minister & we are never left in this place where we don't have opportunity to show love, to give, to serve, to care for those who are in need... Reading it now, I maybe don't see the context of 'heaven' at first glance, but I do see why Jesus tells us that the poor will be always with us (Deut 15:11, Matt 26:11, Mark 14:7, John 12:8). We all need. We all have things to give. The best parts of humanity are when we give with a liberal heart...

...and so yeah, again, in the 'safety' of my suburban house, I'm caught with this desperation, this call to love & action. What do I do about it? Well tonight, I write this stuff & I sleep. Is this good or bad? It just is... tomorrow the sands start flowing again for another 24 hours & we see what gets fit into the moment... as I live the tension between grabbing for each instance & trying to have the faith that God has numbered my days & will give me as many as I need to accomplish his puposes.....

But yeah, part of me is getting more tempted to say @*&# normal.... maybe I should just settle in to being weird.

Sword thoughts

"I give hope to Men," "I keep none for myself,"
- Aragorn in "Return of the King"

Random trivia off of IMDB:
"The last words exchanged by Elrond and Aragorn are "I give hope to Men," "I keep none for myself," are taken from Appendix A, in which the Elvish translation of those lines (Onen i-Estel Edain, u-chebin estel anim) are the final words of Aragorn's mother, Gilraen. Estel, meaning hope, was also the name given to Aragorn before his true heritage is revealed to him."

Ended up watching part of the 'Return of the King' tonight with new friends Rebekah & Nicoleta. Funny/odd stuff: felt a strong urge to make it downstairs to watch with them before the movie passed the part where Aragorn receives Anduril, the reforged Narsil (the sword I own is a replica of Narsil)..... so I feel tugged to go down & I'm sitting down in the chair as Elrond is presenting the reforged sword to Aragorn....

the other odd bit is that the quote above was rattling around in my brain earlier in the week & I couldn't remember where it was from.... now I know & so it makes me wonder of what awakenings, what significance this may hold in my life...

another odd bit is that I actually had the sword in the trunk of the car today. packed it in the car to bring to the community house with the possibility of bringing it out in some symbolic gesture of fighting the spiritual oppression that they seem to have been facing over the last number of weeks. The sword didn't make it out of the car, but the fact that it was there was interesting & made me wonder if maybe it's God fighting for my soul more than me trying to get Him to battle for others....

Have been thinking of Ezekiel's dry bone vision lately.... & seeing Aragorn walk through the halls of the dead & raise a vast army from the dry bones spoke volumes to me tonight...

...again, don't know what this means, but it felt very significant.... so thought I'd note it here.

Flush....(gurgle, gurgle)...what else do you do with crap?

OK, so this is not really for you (the unseen audience), this is for me.

My head has felt really full today & I’m worried again (as a typical hypochondriac) that I’m losing my mind or going to suffer some mental breakdown. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, or that my body is finally starting to catch up from lack of sleep (been pushing too hard & burning the candle at both ends in Calgary & now that I’m at my folks for the long weekend, I’m catching up on some rest)… but my head has been going a million miles an hour this weekend & it actually kind of hurts. I’ve been trying to read & my eyes won’t focus well on the page as the tyranny of thoughts just keeps flooding my head….. I’ve tried painting, but that’s not cutting it. Part of it is that I’ve got a bunch of ‘projects’ on the go (about 10 G.I. Joe figures) & I sort of need to fix their eyes to be able to progress the figures & I’m trying to do it too quickly & just making a royal mess & the eyes are looking worse & worse & I’m just frustrated with that, too….

…so yeah, that’s not helping relieve the pressure behind my eyes… & I’m randomly snapping at my family. I want to be heard, but want to be left alone… I sort of have nothing to say unless it’s a whole great litany of long rambling thoughts about what I’m thinking through & I sort of feel like no one needs to or wants to take the time to hear all of my crap & so yeah, that’s why I’m turning to this, the written word, to try to put it all down & at least then it feels like I’m sort of ‘heard’, by the page at least, ultimately by the divine as He listens to me try to still my thoughts… (He’s been hearing the cacophony of my thoughts lately & the random whine of prayer asking Him to make it stop, or to fight for people, or to help make sense of things….)

So yeah, random thing to start: I long to be heard. Most of us do, most of us don’t feel heard, don’t feel like people really listen & understand… I don’t or at least not so much. I am likely heard & understood far more than I think, but this is an area of my life that I sort of guard…. I have these ways of testing the waters with people to see how much they want to listen. The more attentive they are, the more the guard comes down… but I find I don’t share so much with a lot of people ‘cause well, they’re either not interested or don’t have the time to listen – all of which is fine… but it just means that people don’t hear my stories so much unless they want to sit down & listen to the longwinded rambles… I have a pretty select group of people that I feel take the time to hear me & yeah, it’s maybe too bad for them ‘cause then I feel like I talk too much & spill out too much info….

… but I haven’t had a chance to unload in a while… & so that’s maybe part of my issues….

So what’s bothering me? A chunk of it is community house/urban monastery ([um]) stuff. The [um] is working through defining purpose, trying to come to a ‘rule of life’ that guides this new monasticism. This has also brought up a lot of other issues amongst the house asking for things like ‘greater commitment’ & ‘being intentional’. Some of it has sounded good, some of it has sounded like putting chains on ourselves; trying to give ourselves rules to work by, which just feels more death like to me… other friends talk of a ‘rhythm of life’ & it’s amazing how one word can make such a difference. Rule of life speaks to me of rigidity, structure, order - it’s been described to me as a framework to help things grow, but it feels like a set of rules that removes our thinking – we do what the ‘rule’ says & follow the directives or the ‘life-police’ will come & hunt you down for your lack of commitment to the rule. It just feels like it robs the free choice & I already scheme of how to break & bend the rules before we’ve even decided on what the ‘rule’ is… ‘Rhythm of life’ on the other hand, sounds so freeing, it’s something I can dance to… sure it involves an order, a framework, a structure, but it’s more fluid, open, able to change as we/I change & to grow with us. Mostly it speaks to me of bringing a regularity to life (e.g. it’s a Tuesday, therefore I should be here/doing this) that is set, but flexible, able to move as the wind of the spirit blows & says, throw away you’re carefully crafted plans, the Lover brings the unexpected & calls you to come leaping & skipping in the hills with Him…..

… but a lot of the [um] stuff has been conflict. Some people are not happy. Others are intensely happy, but their voices appear to be overwhelmed by the unhappy ones… though perhaps this is good & gracious as we love those who are not doing so well… it’s been 8 people living together & there is conflict & pain & hurt… Some people sound pretty hopeless about the whole thing & like living in the house has brought dearth (famine, desolation) into their lives… I think everyone there sees both good & bad & some maybe have more good or more bad, hard to say….

But I’ve been looking this as a community I care about & my problem solving side has come out trying to figure out how to fix things. I sort of tried to mediate one of the ‘doom & gloom’ meetings & it was an abject failure on my part. I made the mistake of trying to mediate to make people happy. It failed. I failed… It failed partially ‘cause I don’t think people want to be happy in some ways, but more importantly it/I failed ‘cause I completely missed the point of the problem. It’s not about the stuff being done or coming to some compromise, it’s about, well, in some ways it’s about hurt feelings which go deeper than I can solve, & more importantly, it’s about God’s calling, dreams, hopes, etc. that are part of the house.

& yeah, I’ve sort of been indirectly told (which may be just a misinterpretation, but it’s the interpretation that I’m pulling out of things) that I’m not in the house. I don’t understand, so I should just let those in the house sort of house stuff. Likely good advice, though it still makes me ache. I’ve pulled away from the house in the past for various reasons. I just haven’t been as present as I originally thought I would/should be… Again, I had my reasons. & I feel like I’ve failed people in the house & haven’t loved or been there enough. On the flip side, it’s not like there was that much calling me or trying to get me to hang out, so yeah, it’s maybe all even, or maybe my presence wasn’t as needed or missed or whatever… but yeah, now that I’ve decided to try to be more present, I feel less needed/wanted ‘cause I’m an outsider to what goes on. I feel forgotten in a lot of ways, again, which is fine in some senses… but yeah, it’s just a tad alienating…..

…& so there’s the frustrations of powerlessness. I can’t help, maybe shouldn’t try… or maybe I should, but I don’t know how. I can listen, but all that is is me absorbing the venom of all the painful feelings & thoughts ‘cause I’m an outsider who can buffer some of this – listen to the venting so people can ‘deal with’ things without actually confronting people. Maybe this makes things better, maybe it just exacerbates the problem…

But ultimately I’m sort of back to being on the fringes, for better or worse. I’m not so happy about it, especially after seeing a bunch of e-mails talking about next phases of working this stuff through, but I guess I need to learn to step back & let people figure stuff out on their own. It’s not like I’m much of a help anyhow, I can’t even figure out my own life….

…and that’s been the other struggle, maybe the deeper one… I’m back to wondering what I’m doing with me… After the night of botched mediation I wished that people would just share their passions & dreams & then I’d help facilitate putting that together into a composite picture that embraced all of the dreams. This is the crazy stuff I think, but that’s part of the mix of being pastor & artist & storyteller – it’s trying to see how stuff fits together, looking at the pieces God’s put in place & go, ah, here’s the picture God’s trying to paint…. But yeah, thinking about this made me wonder what my passions were.. & for this I sort of have no answers.

As a pastoral/shepherd type person, part of my life & joy is lived in watching others grow. Want to see me near giddy? This happens in the places & moments where the people I love somehow ‘get it’ – where they gain some new understanding about themselves or God or their place in life, where they end up doing what they love, when there’s this moment where they come alive… See somehow that stuff makes it all worthwhile for me. I’ve had people speak words over me about me being a ‘bridge’ & I get this imagery of laying my body out across this chasm & people walking across on my worn out corpse to reach the higher places that they are destined to walk in… In some ways a good picture, some ways kind of depressing… It’s like a teacher who spends long hours preparing lessons & sits there most days thinking their lives mean nothing & then bumping into a former student who, years later, somehow credits that teacher with some of their success… it’s not a fun calling, but it’s just part of it. I live to serve in some ways, I live to try to make the world better for others & this brings me, well, it brings a lot of pain for the most part ‘cause the need is so great & I’m pretty small & it’s pretty rare between all the pain you endure & help others shoulder & the moments of where you see that your labour is not in vain are pretty few & far between, but in a funny sense, those few, rare moments of where you see someone step into the light of who they really are & you see them blaze with the brilliance of their creation, & see the supernova clarity of that smile that awakens as they realize the wonder of their lives, the deep, rich pleasure that God takes in them… well, these moments kind of wash away years of drudgery & kind of make you forget all the crap you endured to see these friends reach this point…

…it’s like the birthing process (from what I hear), that seeing the little one sort of makes the pain of labour become a more distant memory (again this is just what I hear – not sure how true it is)…..

…but at the end of the process, what am I left with in my life after the above? Well, I get a bunch of people who I’ve loved & been hairy-legged cheerleader for & lots of times I’m forgotten by them & I really didn’t do much to ‘help’… I was sort of there, God used me however He does & used a whole lot of people & worked in these people’s own hearts & brought them from darkness to life & there’s really very little I can claim as ‘mine’ or as ‘my legacy’ other than that I was maybe faithful to the work once in a while & maybe didn’t screw up too much &was more or less obedient when I needed to be…. And ultimately I just join with everyone else laying crowns down & saying, “worthy is the lamb who was slain to receive all honour & power & glory & praise”. At my very best, I’m an unprofitable servant, or a son who does what he sees his Father do….

& so my passion stuff, the things that makes me come alive are either the external stuff of helping others, which seems a bit more reactive &, at present, seems to be on an ‘as needed’ basis when I get brought into someone’s life in the crisis & am there for a bit & then they move on & I’m back to waiting for the next one. This makes me maybe too serious & not a lot of fun ‘cause I’m just looking for the next crisis, the next battle to step into…

…the other passion is intimacy – something I hunger for, but seem to never quite reach (which may be normal, as I’m learning). Both with God & people I hunger to listen to understand to know. God & people fascinate me & I live to understand hearts & the confusing mixture of what makes us us & what makes God who He is…

I also like to create & this is a necessity in my life….

Trying to sum this disjointing thinking up: Again, I gain joy from a) the sense of feeling like I’ve ‘made a difference’, 2) a sense of closeness/intimacy with the divine/with people, 3) being able to be challenged and/or to explore creative outlets… Is this good or bad? Fleshly or spiritual? Love or just self-love? I don’t know… I don’t know…. Is this noble or just selfish… maybe it’s all a load of crap & it’s just me looking externally to find a sense of self worth or to feel loved… maybe all of the above…

This is where the confusion comes in… A lot of things I’d trade just to latch onto one person to spend a lot of time with. I’m tired of saying goodbyes. I am afraid that I am no good whatsoever at relationship. The closest friends I have are still not seen that much. I feel psuedo-lonely sometimes – not a full blown loneliness, but it’s close… I would like to be married, or at least dating.. this all scares me ‘cause I don’t know really what those words mean & sort of expect to be not so good at either…. I’m hoping to find someone who will be patient enough to want to walk through my mistakes with me… someone who will take the time to listen to the stories I tell & sift through the crap to (hopefully) find a good & true heart buried under there… I hope that God makes my heart good, or true, or puts something beautiful there in…. I think there is, I suspect there is, but I worry some days that the dust has covered in & it’s now a little tarnished… or maybe wasn’t ever that noble & good to begin with….

…I’d like to think I’ve learned at least a little of how to love… it’s not perfect, but it’s kind of there… & I guess, like the community house, what you see depends on whether you focus on the bad or the good …. Lately I’ve been hearing the bad ‘voices’ (not real voices, thankfully) that sort of cast doubt on who I am… I haven’t fought that hard against them lately… the true me will be shown in the end. If I’m a man of low character, well, then I guess I should learn that sooner rather than later & can try to work on it. If I’m a man of good character & have a heart full of love, well, that’ll burn the dust away eventually anyhow…..

I’ve met some new friends, two ‘wild geese’ from Ontario who have helped turn my world sideways. These two women come into life here in Calgary & bring with them passion & prayer, laughter & scandal…. Mostly they bring true hearts, full of life & full of dreams & this belief that God is leading them & God will hear their prayers & God will move in their lives & the lives of those around them… Listening to them I hear my own heart from a number of years ago… In talking with them, the cynical part says “ah, they’ll grow out of that”, a statement which pisses off, well, pretty much all the rest of me & the warrior part comes out with this cry of intercession asking that God would make sure they never lose this passion, this crazy belief in who their God is… part of me wants to find some way to stage miracles for them – all painted backdrops & smoke & mirrors – to make sure their hope never dies…. Part of this is that if their hope fades, then the cynic is proved right & I really don’t want that… I’ve learned to be gentle with the cynic in me… really the dreamer & cynic in me are one… the dreamer is just the cynic on a good day where he believes. The cynic is the dreamer on a bad day where the dreams have been yet again disappointed…..

Ultimately these women need nothing from me. Their God (my God) will make His own miracles & handle His own PR, thank you very much… He’ll guard their faith (& mine)….but yeah, listening to them awakens part of me that has gone dormant…. I’ve backed away from ministry ‘cause it was my addiction. I gained a sense of worth from helping others & thought this is what made my life ‘valuable’…. I’m slowly learning that I am valued & loved period just because I’m me… but yet I’ve still been out of ‘ministry’ – not sure what that word means anymore & being afraid of picking up the needle again…

…and so the questions have been around what do I ‘do’ with my life. Do I find a cause, pour my being into it & hope it’s the ‘right’ cause? Do I wander around hoping that God will intervene & put me in touch with the people who ‘need help’ (if that’s a valid term)? Do I sit at home with my hobbies & g.i. joes & paint & try to feel happy about growing a personal life (which feels so empty in many ways ‘cause as much as I have learned to like being around me & just doing my things, well, it’s just me & it’s kind of lonely & empty without people (or at least someone) to share that with… At it’s very best, it’s like standing at Inish Mor alone hearing the thunder of waves & the beauty of this stark, stony green Irish island & having no one to share the joy of the moment with…..

So it seems that by just doing, I’ll expend my life & find no joy. By just being, I’ll enrich my life & find great joy, but none to share it with… & yes, life is about breathing in & breathing out, taking in life & then giving it out… So both the ‘doing’ & ‘being’ must find a rhythm in my life… but I guess I’m unsettled that maybe I’m not really finding either… or not the right balance… or maybe everything’s good cept that I feel alone in it…

…and I have a sermon to put together – trying to reveal the heart of Jesus through the foil of a scandalous woman… there are moments where the message feels brilliant & does Jesus justice in painting a picture of who He is. Other moments it feels like the biggest load of crap & trite sayings & a complete waste of peoples time…. How do you put into a 20-30 minute diatribe the wonder of who Jesus is when I barely feel like I’ve encountered Him myself….

… haunted by last night’s dreams of seeing gal friends in bikinis & wanting to stare & not wanting to stare – the mixture of being attracted to someone (both in a wholesome admiring beauty sense & in the unwholesome lustful sense) & wanting to stare & feeling awkward staring ‘cause they’re friends how are more than just a pretty face… the pull of lust as a coping mechanism has been tugging at me for the last week or so. Giving in in one way or another might bring some release from the noise in my brain – or at least numb it for a few minutes… but yeah, it’s been sort of nice this past week where thoughts of well, beauty, joy, good things, just this sense of feeling alive again, has sort of overwhelmed some of the coping mechanisms & makes me think I don’t really want to just cope anymore… I want to live…..

I don’t know what that means – this idea of really living – but I’ve been reminded of what it tastes like & I just don’t want to go back…. I was telling a friend about the Grand Inquisitor story in the Brother’s Karamazov & how at the end, after the Grand Inquisitor finishes his long tirade telling Jesus how He’s messing up the deal that the clergy have going, that Jesus kisses the Inquisitor on the lips &, shocked, the Inquisitor tells Jesus to ‘get out & never come back’… & then the parable ends about how the glow of that kiss haunts the inquisitor for the rest of his days….

I sort of feel like that, like God has brought this ‘kiss’ of life (figuratively speaking – no smooching for Kirkie lately) into my life & I’m standing at this crossroads of either changing things to risk & to live or that this kiss is going to haunt me for the rest of my days…. I’m sure this isn’t my last chance to turn things around, but I’m tired of the same things happening again & again in my life…. I just don’t know what to change or what to leave the same…..

OK, enough venting for tonight… has helped some…