Advent Contribution: Love

So, a friend has the fabulous idea to do a living advent wreath at church. The advent wreath contains 5 candles. The four in the corners stand for hope, joy, love & peace, the centre one for Christ. My friend wanted to have 4 people stand up representing each of the 4 candles. He asked me to represent 'love'....

As per usual, I'm never sure whether I got the task right or put together what was wanted. Ultimately, I just tried to be honest with where things are at for me. I was all inspired by a beat poet commentary on John 4 another friend used in their sermon & so I wanted to do something cool & beat-poet-y, but I've got no rythm & flow, so I did the best I could.

the ideas for this came together over a few days as phrases/thoughts/images came to my head as I was not doing other things that required active higher concentration brain functions (driving, walking, cleaning, etc.) normally when I write stuff, i try to do things on 'first take', as it seems more raw than editing a lot. This one I took the time to edit (& could probably still tweak it).

A person forgets how the vulnerable thing works. When I started writing, I was all 'no big deal', but then as it got closer & closer to sharing this in public, it all went to crap. The night before I'm printing it off thinking what utter crap this all is. On Sunday, I'm all wrecked from a sleepless night (too much on my mind with all this), feeling like what I've written is way too serious or isn't for the crowd assembled & realizing how few people I really 'know' at church anymore. Realized how much it felt like dropping your pants in front of a crowd of strangers. Also felt a lot like a suicide bomber - the incredible exploding man who for the entertainment of the masses/a cause blows himself up & splatters bits of his guts on everyone.

When I shared I was so nervous. Couldn't make eye contact, my heart was racing, adrenaline screaming through my veins, stomach flopping. And when I'd finished I was shaking & was covered in sweat.

Again, I guess it's the stuff I take for granted with some of the amazing friends I have that I can be fully vulnerable & it's all no big deal. But because of that I've forgotten what it feels like to be mass market vulnerable. I was probably acting like a jerk to people afterwards 'cause people wanted to talk to me & I was kind of brushing them off. I didn't mean to be rude, I just couldn't really talk. Not speaking was kind of my equivalent of going, "excuse me, I need to go find some pants to cover things.... "

And yeah, sharing this stuff has the added 'cost' of that it's kind of let the cat out of the bag in my own heart. I've been managing the ache OK for myself. I've been struggling with the ache of friends & trying to intercede for them. The intercession has been good, but I'm trying to hang on to hope for friends who feel like they have lost hope & that has gotten overwhelming. (I've taken to wearing my 'blue lantern' ring as a crutch - whole 'nother story there). But yeah, opening this stuff up for me has kind of broken some flood gates. Found myself sobbing at least twice on the plane (or maybe once before boarding & once on the plane, or maybe more than twice)... and now it's kind of touch & go whether I hold it together or not. It's maybe not that bad. I'm hoping it's all 'birth pangs', but it's starting to move out of the realm of manageable.....

Anyhow, here's what I shared


I ache for love
Her face haunts my dreams
I hear her voice on the edges of my thoughts
The sound of her laughter comes carried on the wind
her smile flashes
her eyes sparkle
Always
ever
Just out of reach

i ache for love
"She" is the woman I haven't met yet
or haven't recognized
She is the woman I love
My Eve
the one that makes me feel like I have seen
woman
for the first time

I ache for love
The ache,
the constant, open wound
like the place where adam lost his rib
is more manageable some days than others
There is an empty space in my bed
That I leave open for her
It reminds me of the person that isn't there
Most nights I sleep OK
Though most nights I stay up too late
to drive myself to exhaustion
So that the empty space doesn't swallow me
leaving me to stare at the ceiling all night
waiting for sleep to claim me
and put to rest the thoughts that torment me

I ache for love.
I am the sideshow
here for the entertainment of the masses
Step right up ladies & gentlemen
come see the 37 year old virgin
(you don't see many of these in captivity anymore)
This one's a real catch!
He's got a career,
a stable job,
his own house,
a good church going boy
He's good with kids
& he cooks!
and he's still single...

I ache for love...
Before, being single was a gift
finding freedom & community with friends
the solitary forming families
Now it feels like being single
is an obvious mark of defect
like my 'best before' date has expired
and I should be thrown out like old milk
It seems to others
that my singleness is something they can easily fix
So I endure endless suggestions
Have you tried eHarmony?
how about speed dating?
you're looking too hard
you're not looking hard enough
you should stop looking
you should get a new look
what about her?
You have so much in common
You're both old & desperate
How about that one?
She still has a pulse.
you can't be too picky at your age

I ache for love.
that kind of help I don't need
and I sure don't need pity
If you really want to help
find love
romance your beloved
bring her flowers & laughter
out of the overflow of love & joy
bring him tenderness and understanding
out of the fires of respect & adoration
Try to fill anothers ache for love
Maybe that will remind me
and my other single friends
That love exists
that fairy tales come true
that maybe,
just maybe
we will find the ones we ache for

I ache for love
Is she still out there?
Maybe the woman of my dreams
Is just a dream?
Maybe she doesn't exist
Maybe I'll never find her
Maybe I've missed her
Maybe she won't want me
What if I'm not enough?
Not handsome enough?
Not wild enough?
Not stable enough?
Not confident enough?
Not cool enough?
Not thin enough?
Not christian enough?
Not fun enough?
Not good enough
Not this enough
Not that enough

NO!!!!
LOVE ACHES FOR ME!!!
The love of Jesus pursues me relentlessly
I am the bride taken from His side
where the blood and water flowed
I am His prize
I am His favorite
I captivate Him
He delights in me
He is ravished with my feeble heart
He came for me 2000 years ago
and He fights for me each day
to keep me back from shame, fear and despair
It is His love that defines me
His voice that says I am worthy of love
And though the heavens feel like brass
and my prayers feel ignored
and it seems He's forgotten me
and doesn't feel my ache
I know somewhere beyond the knowing
that I am loved
that God is with us
That change,
salvation,
fulfillment of hope
is just around the corner

and so I wait
and ache for love
even so, come quickly