Lost enough to be led

I stopped blogging a while back 'cause people were saying my writing sounded a tad on the crazy side.... well, maybe they put it better than that. But something to that effect. Something like, "a girl probably wouldn't be interested in you if she read some of the things you write." Again, not an exact quote, but you get the idea. So I stopped for a while.... and still single (though I guess I could not be if I wanted to... not sure my crazy writing would scare off some people)... so yeah, not talking crazy hasn't seemed to help the dating situation, so might as well just go back to being me & writing what comes to mind.

Last night felt like a total waste. Came home & watched 'City of God' which was supposed to be, from what I was told, a really beautiful/fantastic movie. It was about the gangs in the slums in Rio De Janeiro and yeah, maybe a good movie somewhere, but not really so beautiful. Found myself bored with the movie & just aggravated. There was so much evil in there, lots of crime and violence. I kept waiting for someone to shoot Li'l Ze' to end the little tyrant's reign. Just another stupid bully. As the movie wore on I was sort of hoping that everyone would get wiped out. It didn't feel like there was maybe even one soul that wasn't evil in that place, or at least substantially touched by it, or easily drawn into it....

... today in Wal-mart saw some dad yelling at his little girl promising to her that he'd never take her shopping again unless she picked something now. It is so hard to know when to step in. For all I know the kid could've been being a brat & this was the best way to try to bring discipline to her out of love. My initial reaction was that it was one more child in an adults body who had no idea how to parent & who is likely causing all kinds of damage to their kid, who will then damage their children, and their children after them.... looking at the cycles of abuse & damage, I left feeling kind of hopeless and thinking again that maybe God's judgement on our society is the most merciful thing he can do. Maybe it would be for the best if God wiped humanity off the planet. For all the ways we damage each other, maybe we'd be better off if it all just ended.....

... normally I'm the one begging for God to intervene, to show mercy. Normally I side pretty heavily on the side of people & cry out that we're sheep that have gone astray & we need our shepherd to lead and guide us. I am noticing more & more lately that I am less willing to intercede for humanity as a whole. I could've sworn that there is a passage in the Bible where, after all the times Moses reminds God of His promises and pleads with God to not wipe out Israel, Moses finally loses it & is giving God permission to wipe out Israel & God has to talk him off the ledge.... I can't find that passage any more. Not sure whether I just made it up or if it's some other kind of sign.....

... was listening to Rich Mullins' "The Jesus Project" today. Man that brings up memories. I put together an 11 week bible study framed around the songs of the album. It was a labour of love both for Rich, as he had died shortly before the album release, and Jesus. I had to fight so hard to get that in. I felt like I was constantly having to prove myself to Norm & constantly being talked about negatively by Steven. I just got this vibe from them always that I was doing the wrong things. Maybe I was. Not sure if they wanted me to do some Bible study book or what. Maybe I wasn't studying the Bible so well because we worked through topics/concepts/questions instead of just the Bible. I do remember moments from that study though, some that were beautiful, or at least seemed to be right & opened people to pondering Christ if not maybe encountering him. Who knows what happened. It was shortly after that that I switched up the group to being a sports night get together 'cause people seemed to be wanting something other than a Bible study. Maybe I read that wrong, too. It wasn't long after that that things started to fizzle & I ended up leaving anyhow.... that became the first of many Bible study groups that I've managed to kill off in my chain of failure/wake of destruction :)

Listening today is bringing back so many things and putting me in touch again with old truths and things that touched my heart very long ago & are speaking to me again. Mostly realized today how much the gospel confounds me. I so used to think I understood how things work and it gets less and less clear every year. Jesus comes to earth to be saviour and has three years or so of visible ministry and then lays down his life and dies, is raised to life and then leaves. And yes, this has changed the world and the ripples are pulsing through my life today, but it is all just so counter-intuitive. I feel so strongly the ache to be able to make a difference, to be an agent of redemption and yet God's message seems to be so small scale; receive God's love, learn to love Him and be captivated by Him, love others, enjoy each moment as a gift/act of worship. That's it..... and like Naaman I'm standing by the Jordan looking for something great to do when all He asks for me to do is to be loved & love. This doesn't sound like a strategy for dealing with gang in Rio De Janeiro or crap parents in wal-mart... or the endless need/ache in the world around me....

It's no wonder I sound crazy. You stare into the sun too long you go blind. You stare into the light of Christ for too long and, well, it messes with the way you see things. You maybe find yourself, as Rich says, "lost enough to let yourself be led"; totally confused by what God is doing, but yet in awe and worship of how incredible and incredibly other He is, of how He works so differently than the ways of man. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, that which is born of the spirit is spirit. In all the trying to figure out stuff, it feels like a battle of the flesh. God, may your Holy Spirit quicken my spirit afresh. Show me what the true power of the gospel is. Lead me in this place of feeling lost.