Dipping in Jordan

Catching up on some writing:

I've been dragged into joining the Facebook 'movement'. Haven't taken the time to figure it out, but, as a good thing, it puts me in touch again with some old friends who I miss deeply. (haven't e-mailed these friends so far or enough, but that's a whole 'nother story).

Thursday at work, I'm checking facebook briefly & see a friend who has been battling sickness comment that they believe they may have encountered a miracle.

At first my heart leaps. Miracles are what I & many others have been praying for for this friend. I search, I look for details on her facebook, then other people's walls, no mention of what this miracle is.....

...and then the questions seep in. I think well, how would this friend know that they were healed? Is it like "feeling a bit better" healed or "my body is totally back to normal" healed? What if the sickness has just gone away temporarily & they'll relapse back into pain again shortly? How long do you wait before you call a miracle a miracle? Maybe medicine is helping?

...on & on came the flurry of questions until I finally realized what I was doing & then I felt like carp (which is sort of like feeling like crap, but fishier - or just a typo - sorry, random attempts at humour in the middle of me berating myself... laugh time over, back to the winge-ing).

Here I am beating up on God for not 'answering' my prayers when I pray them & then I get this quick message that may indicate that God has healed & answered the prayers of a lot of people who've been carrying this friend to God night & day & what do I do? I don't believe it. I'm skeptical, I want proof.

And I think how sad this is. How rough I am on God, that He just can't win with me.... If He doesn't 'act' as I want him to, then I'm mad at him & walk off in a huff. If He does do something, then I don't believe that he's done anything & I'm inspecting his workmanship, looking for holes, waiting for it to fall apart so I can wave my finger at him & say, "see, I told you so.... you're not answering my prayers like I want you to."

My friend Sharon B., whose parent's are doctors, chides me for the way I talk about doctors like it's one big conspiracy & they're all trying to keep us sick. She reminds me of how I seem to keep asking doctors to be 'God' - to magically wave some wand & heal people....

... and I treat God like this, too. I blame him if things don't work on my schedule or according to my will....

...and the suspicion? well, maybe it comes from just an overactive desire to want to believe... I want to believe that divine healing is real... it's just a hard thing to 'prove' to others & hence hard to prove to me & yeah... like I said, God doesn't get a break.

When I pray for someone, I want this surge of electricity to flow through me, I want my hand to grow hot, enflamed by some holy energy that surges into the person I'm praying for & I hope for the rush, the gasp of breath, as the person I'm praying for feels God's power moving through them, reforming cells, knitting things back together, dead or broken tissue reformed & recreated... and then to see them leap & jump knowing that they are healed & they'll never have to face this particular disease again.....

...but it doesn't seem to work like that. A lot of it is communal healing. We pray, we cry for each other, we hope, we get angry together, we laugh & tell jokes & try to make light of it & cheer up the person who is in pain.... we secretly curse our weaknesses & wonder if it's us that's breaking the chain, if it's us that doesn't have the right quota of faith & is somehow blocking the miracle from taking place.... but mostly we love. We show that we care, that someone matters to us enough that we'll kneel, we'll surround them with hearts aching for their well being & wellness....

... maybe in this cold world, this circle of love is healing in itself. Maybe this display of tenderness is more precious than our bodies which decay & fall apart.....

.... I think of all the people Jesus healed, even those he raised from the dead. Eventually all of them had 'relapses' - they all died & are buried in the ground.... but it's the healing of hearts, of souls that matters in eternity & is why we still read their stories today....

.... maybe true healing comes with less flash, less showmanship... maybe it comes in secret, after the praying is 'done' (though really it's never 'done').... maybe we wake up some day & go, "wow, I think I've experienced a miracle" & we wait for weeks to ensure there's no relapse & we don't shout it from the mountaintops 'cause we're really not sure what brought healing... but somewhere in our hearts, we hold on to the secret, the hope that it was a touch of the divine transforming our lives....

.... maybe healing seldom happens in the instant. Maybe it happens more over time. (Maybe I'm full of it & should stop trying to figure it out)....

... I feel a lot like Naaman, though... wanting healing, but wanting the big & flashy instead of wading into dirty old Jordan.....

Sorry God for being a putz & being so hard on you... not that you're not used to it by now, but still, you do lots of good things & I treat you pretty bad. Sorry.