Celebration, Mediocrity, Dying, Resurrection

Well, I'm not one to toot my own horn normally, but yeah, I'll make an exception:

I think I hosted a pretty damn fine party on Saturday.

Had a bunch of friends old & new over at the house on Saturday & yeah, it went well. Pretty chaotic for me. Little tiny 1-2 minute conversations & then being pulled away or distracted to something else. But people seemed to enjoy themselves, so that's what matters.

I like hosting. I like serving. I find joy in it. Maybe I'm gifted with hospitality. Maybe it's just heart stuff... I still remember the line from "Life is beautiful" where the main character's dad smacks him upside the head for mocking their role as waiters. 'God is the first servant', the old man says. And i feel this is true. So my service of humanity in any big or small way is joining in with the servant heart of God & taking joy in seeing other's joy & of making their lives some tiny bit richer. This is why I think Jesus can say that giving a cup of cold water in His name is an important thing. It's maybe not so much the action, but the heart of love that calls us to bend, to kneel, to posture ourselves to place others needs & wants above our own.

Anyhow, it was fun. People looked happy & so that makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Thanks to all who attended for making it a 'success'... made me feel rich with all the great people in my life.

Was thinking about the ideas of celebration & how it may be weird to thank people for coming out to a party & such, especially since it was sort of a psuedo-belated-birthday party for me. Normally b-day parties are all about the person who is celebrating the birthday & in an odd sense, I felt this was like that too though no one was all waiting on me hand & foot or anything. The celebration for me personally came in just realizing how much these people have blessed & enriched my life, past, present & (hopefully) future. My live would not really be worth the living if it wasn't for good & valued friends.... Even in my introversion & love of personal space, I'd die if I was alone.... or pray for death....

Quieter day today. Yesterday was spent cleaning & a bit of baking (icing cakes & making rhubarb crisps). Today was spent relaxing. Could've cleaned more, but the mess will wait. Pretty low mess party though - next to nothing to clean up. People ate most of the food, so just dumped the empty safeway trays in the garbage & picked up the loose paper plates & plastic cups.... very simple. Have to pull the exercise equipment out of the furnace room where it's hiding, but that's about it for remaining cleanup.

Random bits from the day:

- Batman Beyond: An episode where an aging Bruce Wayne is given a chance for youth again. Thought about what it would feel like to be a great hero, someone who has made a difference & to become old & frail & crippled. Wept at those thoughts. Wept at the idea of great men & women who are discarded & made a mockery of as they get older. Thought about Ecclesiasties & how Solomon laments that the good are forgotten like the evil, sometimes more quickly & how that no matter how much you do on this planet, nothing done under the sun will last. And, contrasting this with Song of Songs, thought about how maybe the only stuff that lasts is love & relationship & how that maybe it's enough to go through life just having loved one person & making their life better. Maybe that's all we really need to do to make a difference here on planet earth. Maybe it doesn't make a difference to only affect one life, unless you happen to be that one life & then it means everything.

- Finished the readings for this week. 1 Corinthians 15 & Isaiah 61. Again, both comforting & maddening passages. 1 Corinthians 15 is the great resurrection passage, the one that speaks that the resurrection, along with the cross, is central to our faith. If Jesus wasn't raised from the dead, then Christianity is a lie & completely false... if there is no risen Christ then everyone who talks of Jesus as more than just a good man or a good teacher is deluded at best or pathetic at worst. Our faith, my faith, relies on the reality of a risen Christ.... & yeah, this is again struggle place for me (see previous posts)... I believe that He is risen indeed, but I'm looking for the moments where I can feel His life coursing through every vein. Reading the passage today, I was looking to see if there's any place where it mentions that this new resurrection body happens this side of the grave & there was nothing. I wonder if instead of looking for resurrection power, of healing & casting out devils & things like this, instead I should be looking for weakness, frailty, fumbling & seeing God work through my limitations.

Isaiah 61 is likewise the passage that speaks of Jesus' (& our by extension) to preach good news, to lift up the brokenhearted & to set prisoners free.... it's a beautiful picture in this passage of bringing liberty & freedom to a people who have long been enslaved. For years I've taken this as a set of 'dream' verses. They stir deep within me a longing & an imagery of wanting to speak the words like Jesus did in Luke 4, "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your ears'. This sounds like what I want to see: prisoners given freedom from whatever keeps them enslaved... but again it's hard to see that in the now - it seems so far away like some myth, some intangible dream....

Both passages speak of planting. 1 Corinthians speaks of all of us as seeds, our bodies planted in the ground awaiting new life. Isaiah talks that righteousness & praise will grow up like plants before the nations. I am reminded of Jesus' words in John 12:24 about how that unless a seed falls in the ground & dies it is alone. Once it dies it bears much fruit as new life, a new plant, grows from the broken, fractured heart of that seed. Is that what this life is for? In the middle of our dying is new life begun? Is this the only way to impact those around us, by dying? What does this 'dying' mean....

- in my conversations with one of my wonderful friends, I am becoming more & more aware of how much science & art have their common ground. There are industries to promote growth of these ventures, but yet they are run often by people who don't understand art or science & who only provide funding if they believe there is some return on investment. Those who can jump through the right hoops get funded. Those who don't, well, don't get funded. It seems that the really good science, like really good art, sort of gets overlooked because most true science & true art involves a lot of 'failure' - a lot of trying & finding that something 'doesn't work' or 'isn't the answer'. The artist & scientist learn that this 'failure' is just part of the process of exploring. It's finding what doesn't work that is as important as finding what does work in the end. For some reason the really great discoveries & great art come at a cost, a cost of lots of life given to pursue the 'truth' of what you're seeking.... But our society is geared for mediocrity. Those with the flashy stage acts or the popular scientific studies get funded. Those who will hide in a lab testing theory after theory, or in the quiet of their rooms with a guitar or spending years in smelly bars playing for 2-3 drunkards, the ones who at the end find their 'eureka' moment & produce something of relevance, these ones get overlooked, or have to barely eke out an existance before anyone recognizes what's actually there....

This too is vanity & vexation of spirit. Makes me feel like the world is a sucky place (oh & by the way, I think I see this at any of the engineering firms I've worked at/known, as well). Pop tunes get the airplay, deep soulful balads barely get heard....

- Had a brief chat with my brother & mentioned my complaint about a friend who is not well & I told him how it 'wasn't right' that this friend is suffering with sickness.... He wondered how I could make that statement - especially me as mr. shades-of-grey... I don't know. I probably suck in blaming doctors & blaming God when things aren't magically fixed. I don't think so rationally when it comes to friends & sickness... Maybe there is a higher purpose & I can't be so black & white. But I don't see it now, so I'll react out of my emotion & rebel against what is...until the darkness bleeds daylight.... (or until the Dayspring shows me how the light is going to come through this darkness)

- Talk with the community house tonight was good. Nice to work things through in community & hear the heart of everyone there. I'm not the only one in struggle, in wrestling. So this is maybe good. It excites me to watch people choose to be true to themselves & to chase the things that are on their heart. It's great to watch the internal compasses of people point 'true' & drive them into following what is their dream & passion...and it's beautiful to see passionate people go, "I can't do this on my own & I need the rest of you". Learning to grow in love & let our rough edges get honed by those who care about us.

I sort of alluded to my wrestling & started to get all overwhelmed & teary again... life just feels really 'big' right now.... which isn't a bad thing, just overwhelming

- Sort of related to the above: one more observation from the Green Lantern:Rebirth TPB (trade paper back). The battle in the series is the power of will against the power of fear. The only Green Lantern who does not become a puppet of Parallax, this embodiment of fear, is Kyle Raynor, the 'weakest' of the Green Lanterns. Or at least he feels the weakest 'cause he seems to be the only Lantern who knows fear, who lives with it every moment of every day. In the metaphor of the story, it is only the one who knows fear who can escape it's grasp. Only those who know their weaknesses who can admit their fears, name their fears, & not be held hostage by the need to look strong, be strong, all the while being manipulated by fear.....

this was encouraging for me with my 'much afraid' heart.... tonight at the meeting at the community house we talked about the things we fear are our weaknesses are the things through which strength will come eventually. Our failures bring wisdom, gifts, refining, revelation... the many little deaths we experience in the day to day somehow bring life... hope...resurrection for us & for others....