Writing exercise: 10 Apr PM

Maybe I don't try to reflect on my days 'cause then it takes me too long to write stuff down. Feel like there's a lot & I'll try to summarize. Maybe the thinking about reflecting at the end of the day makes one more conscious of the moments.

- Work flew by today & felt rather unproductive. I get paid to solve problems basically & it seems like solving problems involves a whole lot of discussion & running around trying to find data to get closer to finding solutions. Today I was trying to work about 3-4 different problem areas & wasn't keeping them always straight & basically made incremental progress on all, but not enough to really solve anything. Not a big fan of days like this, but at least it went by mercifully quickly.

- went for lunch with a friend today which was lovely. Enjoyed the food & the conversation. Circumstances & conversation reminded me of other friends who I miss & so it was kind of a bitter-sweet lunch. Good times mixed with longing. Thought about the wine of memory on the way home tonight. With the people you really love, no matter how sweet the memories are, they're never enough. You long for the continual now with them.... and so even the best & sweetest memories have their bitter taste 'cause they remind you that you're not with that person at the moment... this is one of the reasons heaven appeals to me.... the endless now surrounded by those you love where 'goodbye' is forgotten...

- was contemplating if I organize some kind of weekly prayer organization thing like what I'm in the middle of here. Was contemplating exile & our cosmic loneliness.. of how all of us are continually home & yet not-home....

- ended up thinking about Jessica Simpson far more than I'd have expected (guess I saw her in a trailer for another movie before watching Crank last night - so it's not just the John Mayer connection). The comments from the last writing got me thinking & I was figuring that if I had a beautiful woman throw herself at me, & assuming I wasn't interested in anyone else, which is where I'm at at present, then I'd likely be prone to at least spending some time with the woman... would likely feel pulled to more than that. Got me thinking that if it was just dating or 'just' sex, i.e. some temporary relationship, I could probably be with anyone... or at least I think I could... maybe that's just telling myself stories... but it's a totally different thing when you think about being with someone forever. With that you look for something different, you look for a someone, not just a warm body or a set of curves... you look for heart, for smiles, for the quirks that somehow fit you... & hope that you find someone who can grow with you through the years....

...was thinking about the idea of 'just' a body & how perhaps I place far too little value on the physical. I'm all about the soul as in the mind, will & emotions of someone - their personality, the collection of characteristics that make them who they are. This, to me, seems to be the vast, incredible 'universe next door' that I love to explore as I get to know people. It's this aspect of people that fascinate me... but yet we are beings made as a unity - body, soul & spirit - and to focus on only 1 aspect of our being is to sort of deny or cripple the rest. I perhaps am not as happy with my body 'cause it limits me in space & time. It is my anchor in finiteness & fragility. Without it, I have no carrier for soul & spirit & they both dissolve into the ether (in theory to be reunited with God, but one can't 'prove' such a thing until after you've taken that journey (& few come back to document that trip)...

but yet, as Genesis says, God sculpted our body from dust of the ground, or formed it around a rib... David says in Psalms 139 that we were 'knit' together in our mother's wombs... and so God appears to have taken as much care with our bodies as He does in shaping soul & spirit.... and so maybe thinking about 'just' a body is to insult God's creation & his artistry...

..there have been the very few times of where I've been close enough to someone that i can 'explore' the physical a bit more... I look forward to the day of being able to explore every inch of my wife & to try to understand the majesty & miracle of her creation, the beauty & fragility of how she is formed....

.... and so yeah, not sure how Jessica fits into all of that other than being the springboard to the thoughts... David's had me watch one or two episodes of her newlyweds show & she just seems really clueless & self-absorbed... I have a hard time dealing with these characteristics.... Maybe she's secretly brilliant & masterminding the media circus, but yeah, hard to say... I just value people of 'substance' - not that i know what that means... just that there is something real, something heartfelt in their expression of who they are....

- my friend Leah came over for supper tonight. Cooked a roast - which is so easy to do & such a great reward of really, really good food... it feels nice to eat at home & to enjoy my own cooking... we had a good chat, though I felt like I did most of the talking - which is odd for me, though it happens around Leah. We caught up & I showed her pictures of niece & nephew & she listened to kid stories & then I showed her my G.I. Joe's that I was painting & the package of stuff I got in the mail & explained how my head writes little stories for the characters/figures that are bought/made & then showed her some of the custom websites & Marauder, Inc. (http://www.marauderinc.com ). It was totally geek central & I felt sort of bad about it - though she seemed to be interested (or at least was a good liar about it). It felt kind of good to be able to tell stories & to have someone listen & be interested. It's nice just to be heard & it's nice to have someone not point out that your hobby seems somewhat juvenile & silly... It's nice to be able to enjoy something & just have someone listen... maybe it's the kid in us yelling, "look at me! look at me!"....

- I remember being semi-not so happy for chunks of the day... but feeling pretty good now. Tired.

- Psalms 25: again the idea of putting hope/trust in God & the prayer that He will not allow us to be put to shame... Perhaps our credibility is always at risk when we trust... we could look the fool at any time if God appears absent... This is hard on us 'cause God's a tad unpredictable... maybe that's why David prays these things...

...David asks for his enemies to be put to shame & not allowed to triumph over him... I echo this prayer... though also sort of wish that my enemies seemed more tangible... evil wears so many masks. Half the time it looks like me in my apathy... but some days it seems easier to think about some physical enemy out there as opposed to the enemies of the spiritual, of social structures, of our own dark hearts... it's maybe hardest to pray these prayers when you're praying against the seeming enemy within... though maybe that's where we most need to ask God for victory....

So much of the middle of this psalm is about pathways & about God teaching us how to walk. Again there is the mention of 'the truth' that keeps us & guides us & becomes the path...we ask God to remember us & to remember His goodness... we ask Him to remember not our evil... wow, reading this passage again... it's overwhelming... my mood shifts again. I remember now about how coming back from lunch I was listening to CKUA & was feeling kind of what I feel now. The music just evoked this response to beauty & my gut got all tight & I felt short of breath (figuratively) & heart beat faster & it's this sense of being overwhelmed... that somehow reality has dropped away to reveal this expanse of awe - this great limitless expanse of 'wow' . Reading the latter part of this Psalm brings this sensation back.... there is such a desperation here. I love the Psalm 'cause it's not about polished theology or about the too safe, complacent life I live in North America... The Psalm is very primal, very heartfelt, very real. It's someone praying to God to fight for him, to rescue him from his enemies & from his own evil. It's the very core stuff of religion - a very finite human making requests to an infinite deity & asking for help, for guidance, for rescue. There is such a desperation in the prayers here. You feel the sense of panic or at least the urgency in David's voice as he prays... you feel like that if God doesn't come through, David's in trouble... and so hence the 'let me not be put to shame' is a very urgent cry....

...and this is perhaps so much the heart of faith, this risk. It's a risk I so often don't take. I live with 'plan b' & often try to figure out what my plan is if God doesn't 'come through'.... maybe that's 'responsible' to always have a plan, but maybe again it's just not 'faith'... or maybe I'm not living in the places with enough risk that I have that level of urgency... or maybe it's that my quiet prayers, the hidden ones, the deep & groaning ones are that desperate, are that needy, & I just am waiting in the middle of the Psalm for the answer to the prayers.....

Hebrews 12: I love this passage & it's such a great summary to Hebrews. All of the book of Hebrews is speaking how Jesus is a fulfillment of & improvement upon the 'old covenant' or the covenant of 'law' that was given at Sinai (where the 10 commandments were received). Hebrews speaks over & over of how Jesus's new covenant, the new promise made through the sacrifice of His own blood, is so much better than the covenant of law & it sets us free from being people who tremble in fear at God & changes us to people who find home, find family with Him. We are no longer exiled, but welcomed. Again at the end of the passage there is that desperation. The promise that there is a shaking coming that will wipe out everything that can be shaken & leave us with only that which can't be shaken (which is the only stuff we really truly have anyway - & the only stuff that matters). I've lived in this a bit & will live in the shaking more & it's painful & beautiful at the same time....

Hebrews 12 ends with a quotation from Deuteronomy 4:24 about God being a jealous God & Mike Bickle from Kansas City points out that this whole idea of God being a 'consuming fire' is just that He's so in love with us that He'll burn away everything that stands between us & His love... & ultimately in this the imagery changes from an angry God who wants to smite us to a God of great passion who is enflamed with love & there is nothing that will keep us from the tenderness of His embrace....

And so God, to close the written portion of the day.. I...I... well, I'm left with the groaning. I'm left with trying to speak words that are unspeakable... I stand at the edge of the brink overlooking the expanse of your majesty & beauty & overwhelming love & I'm undone. I'm terrified to jump in, but aching to be consumed by you... I feel sort of lost. I'm not very good at this christianity thing... I know longing & I know fear. I am learning love. maybe how to give, maybe how to receive... I need to receive from you, I need you to love me, to notice me, to hear me, to take pleasure in me & to explore every facet of me, body, soul & spirit, even though you know every part so well...

...I want you... and yet fear you.... please help me with that.... help me to trust & to stay on the path instead of getting scared & trying to climb up your shoulders... can our hearts really hold the expanse of you without bursting? God, why is there such an ache? why is there so much longing &, as it seems, so little finding? You say you will be found when we look for you? (though as you've told me, you are also found by those who don't look for you)... am I just missing the obvious or over thinking it all?

More to say, but it feels like chaos & desperation & it's all garbled. Thank you for beauty, for feeling, for bodies that move & hearts that rush & tongues that taste & savour good food & good wine. Thank you for friendship, for laughter, for creativity, for love, for hope & joy & all the good gifts you richly supply.