Rudderless (?)

"Depression is just anger without enthusiasm."

Heard this on the radio last night while heading off to pick up one of my brothers from the airport. Things didn't go as planned last night. Was to meet Preston at the airport at 7:11 & then find some nice ethnic restaurant & enjoy good food & good conversation. Worked a bit late & hung out in the NE waiting for the flight to come in & Preston started phoning to say that the plane would be late. Mechanical troubles & the plane to bring him from Edmonton was still in Calgary being repaired. After the second call which bumped the arrival time to 9 something, decided to head home. This after grabbing things to nibble on so I didn't sugar crash & having been past an old lunch haunt that made me reminiscent & left me missing good friends. I came home & waited & watched the arrival time of the plan get later & later. Didn't manage my blood sugar right & went into a sugar crash - eyes grainy, headache like a knife through my skull, emotions churning between sadness & plain meanness... short temper mixed with ready tears.....

Finally got together & had supper at 11. Not quite the chat we were hoping for, but still good to catch up (& got to hear that the company he's working for is insane, too - made me think about moving out into the bush & storing up food waiting for the world ot end).

Tonight didn't work out as planned either. Had scheduled myself for a quiet night of painting & laundry & a bit of TV. Got home a pit early & sat down to paint & didn't have the drive. I've got a bunch of figure pieces across the desk. Most are in final stages of touch ups & other fiddly bits, so stuff that would require some concentration....and I was tired. In bed at 1, up for a 7:30 meeting at work (actually made it on time for a change). So napped for a bit... got interrupted by loud roommates, but was too exhausted to yell at them. Semi-slept through most of that. Woke up & growled at the loud roomie on the way down the stairs.... set to making pizzas to use up leftovers from Saturday night & to give me some lunches for what's left of the week...and then sat down to watch Serenity.....

...I've heard that Inara is coming to town. Morena Baccarin & Christina Hendricks (Saffron) are going to be guests at the Calgary Comic book convention at the end of April (see http://www.calgaryexpo.com/ for details). Learning this got me thinking about the crew of Serenity & so I figured I'd re-watch the movie to re-familiarize myself with the cast & characters.... This was sort of on the agenda for this week, but seemed to eat up more of the evening than I expected....

I've missed Serenity... this place that felt like home (or at least a picture of it) for a while... I've still been looking for it. Have been to places where I thought I'd find it, but have sort of short-circuited some of that (maybe)....or maybe the reality of Serenity doesn't look so serene as you try to live through it....

...the film is darker than I remember. I could've sworn that a lot of the scenes were brighter in the theatre... I also remember more laughter on the Serenity... though I guess that's likely from the Firefly series & less from the movie... Captain Mal seemed grumpier than I remembered... but I found I could relate again.... a leader with no plan.... no rudder guiding ... just following the flow of where life seems to take him.... both fearing & longing for someone to 'fog it all up' - to unseat even the illusion of direction in following the wind.... someone who is not sure what they believe any more.... or maybe rather, some one who believes in too much & who can't quite figure out how to sculpt it to make a difference in a rather screwed up world other than looking after that small group of people you call 'crew' or 'family'....

The movie left me rattled, unsettled, again. Very different than the last time... Tonight I was frustrated.... deeply lonely.... & so I did what I usually do when I get in this state: get in the car, head to the starbucks/chapters, wander, hope to meet people, hope to bump into someone that will help things make sense, look for a friend, a love, look for something to buy, some retail therapy, look to just be around people, something to take the edge of the numbness & the great unknown....

... when I got there, i wished I'd brought a book. wandered for a bit, decided not to buy anything other than the latest copy of Paste Magazine (http://www.pastestore.com/) & grabbed a chai & sat to thumb through the magazine & look for buzz on what's new.

Funny thing was little bits of the magazine - single words - left triggers... A Bill Mallonee write-up triggered a memory from Saturday of listening to some jazz guy give advice to aspiring jazz artists. He told them that if they could find something else to do, if there was another option for them other than music, that they should take it. They should only stick with music if they had to - if there was something in them that needed to, had to, create & they couldn't escape it. If that was the case, then they should stay with music 'cause they had no choice - they just needed to play & play & play.... & this has been something that's been nibbling at my brain since then... the reality that I am who I am & there is a part of me which needs to be this weird, which just sees the world differently & it's not like I can shut that off.....

... saw the word 'serendipity' which reminded me of fortune cookies. On Dec 21 I got a dual fortune out of one cookie. One fortune said to be spontaneous - Serendipity!, the other told me to mark the date 'cause 3 months from now something good would happen. I ended up eating chinese for lunch today (one day before the 3 month time frame) & got a fortune that I'd be involved in many humanitarian projects. (who writes these fortunes ?!) . I don't put a lot of stock in these things, but I do sort of play games with God & the whole fortune cookie thing.... but yeah, all of this went together to remind me about that unpredictable-ness talked about a while back... that somehow it is good that I live somewhat rudderless.... or driven by heart more than some 5 year plan...

Saw a pretty gal there. Well, likely saw a few. But this one I knew. She was a gal at the College & Careers at Foothills for a bit a long time ago. I remember her, partly 'cause she's a pretty gal, partly just 'cause I don't forget too many people... but she doesn't remember me. I sat at a table a little ways away, stole the occasional glance at her in between magazine & sips of chai. Listening to her & her friend talk, I caught snippets of conversation about houses, cooking, cleaning, refrigerators, home decorating, turning on light switches, watching TV... I wasn't really listening, but would catch bits & pieces here & there & it just made me go, "Is this all there is?".... Today at lunch I went out with a couple of guys from work & it was work talk & sports.... again, is this all there is?

Made me think about what I talk about. When I'm in public, I suppose I don't talk that much. When I'm out with friends, it's mostly listening... Asking questions, probing (sometimes too much), searching, trying to understand, to know. People fascinate me & I love hearing their stories, things that 'matter' - something that feels real, that feels like it's borne out of soul or heart or spirt, or body - something real, something that has 'cost' perhaps... why do I do this? Why is this the shape of my conversations? Maybe just 'cause I don't have other options....

& so actually of this helped break the funk... left chapters angry... generally growly....maybe with the quote for last night, anger isn't such a bad thing....