200th post. 13 Apr AM notes

On the drive home last night, stopped in at a Chapters to pick up a poetry book that was praised during the gathering last night. Was in the middle of my funk & hoping that there'd be someone there, some divine appointment, who'd stop me & rescue me from my melancholy. Of course there was none, but at the same time had the realization of how much I'm an object in motion & how it would be harder to track me down 'cause I keep moving & not sitting still that long - maybe at home I rest, but there aren't that many others at home.

So left sort of daring God to come find me. While drifting off to sleep later that night wondered if that was a good idea or not. Lots of things he could do to 'stop' me… burn my house down, leave me crippled after an accident, health stuff… who knows… my fragility makes it easy for me to be stopped & I'm not so invulnerable or unstoppable as I think…

… dreams were there tonight. Woke with at least some memory of things. Was somewhere with community house people. Maybe at a church thing. Was out for a meal afterwards with people. David & someone were off in some other corner of the restaurant. I was with (maybe) Andy & a girl I don't recognize. She was newer to the city & trying to find her way. Had some discussion with her about her wanting to find roots & me feeling like a tumbleweed. I think I told her something to the effect that the drive for her to find roots & the drive for me to stay in motion maybe come from the same source & maybe it's God's leading. Sort of remember thinking even in the dream that I may have been feeding her a line of BS. Not sure if I believed what I was telling her either. She may have even been subtly asking me to stay, subtle flirting, but I didn't catch it strongly enough to give me reason to stay & so I was off again & wandered from the restaurant. Headed into some arcade, driven by an urge to play some racing game where I found myself not so in tune with the controls as I tried to move this car/future car/spaceship. As I tried harder & harder to control this vehicle, my head got closer & closer to the video game screen. Finally going through the screen & I found myself instead flying some D shaped ship barely bigger than myself. I was laying flat in it & it was sort of translucent & as you soared & dived, you could feel the rush of wind & the lurch of stomach as I rushed to keep up with the others in the race…. Seeing myself in my minds eye I may have looked Kree for a moment (one of the space races in Marvel comics)… but yeah, can't remember. Woke up somewhere after that.

Not as tired as I should be this morning, but still in a grump. Into work early after dropping David at the airport, so have had time to read the passages for today instead of jumping into work first thing.

As I open Isaiah 58 & read the opening lines, I start to condemn myself for my 'wickedness' & 'sins' & begin to lament that this passage should be encouraging, but I'm walking under this 'curse'. As I keep reading, I get to verse 6 & my perspectives change & it does become encouraging again. I'm reminded that the 'fast' God wants, the spiritual disciplines God wants are not necesarrily the random religious practices that I feel like I fail so much in. He calls for the 'fast', the discipline of serving & loving others, showing love, living justice - doing right to people & protecting, supporting, delivering the weak & oppressed. & yeah, that's what I've been whining about all week (& beyond) that I want to live in… and so yeah, this passage again becomes both encouraging & frustrating in that I've fallen into beating myself up 'cause of my non-religiousness & then get the sense that maybe it's OK. Who knows.. I feel kind of confuzzled… & don't think I'm thinking so straight right now….

Mark 5 confirms Isaiah 58 in the sense that it's just a big long story of Jesus doing exactly what is described in the latter half of Isaiah 58. As Messiah, Jesus is casting out devils, healing people, raising the dead. He lives His justice, setting prisoners free wherever he goes with just a word, just a touch & life & light floods into the lives of people who have been prisoners for far too long…
Interesting to see the responses of the people in the three miracles. After Jesus liberates the demon possessed man, the people beg him to leave 'cause He's disrupting their economy. In healing the woman with the bleeding that won't stop, the disciples, Jesus's friends, think he's crazy as He asks, "Who touched my clothes?". Finally in raising Jairus's daughter from the dead, the people laugh at & mock Jesus 'cause He figures the girl is only 'sleeping' when they 'know better' that she's really dead. I wonder how much I join the crowd of people in my response to Jesus's working in the world. How much do I feel inconvenienced, think he's crazy, or a fool in seeing what He does or promises to do?

Interesting, too to note His response to those who are healed. The demoniac He charges to go tell his story (the only place Jesus does this) & lovingly sends the man away to blaze the news of his liberation across the land. To the woman he speaks gently & tells her that faith has made her whole & he tells her to go & live in wholeness. He tells Jairus & family to eat & not talk about the whole thing… Again, He is unpredictable & not as expected…

Well, will start the day…. See what happens with this one.