Lost enough to be led

I stopped blogging a while back 'cause people were saying my writing sounded a tad on the crazy side.... well, maybe they put it better than that. But something to that effect. Something like, "a girl probably wouldn't be interested in you if she read some of the things you write." Again, not an exact quote, but you get the idea. So I stopped for a while.... and still single (though I guess I could not be if I wanted to... not sure my crazy writing would scare off some people)... so yeah, not talking crazy hasn't seemed to help the dating situation, so might as well just go back to being me & writing what comes to mind.

Last night felt like a total waste. Came home & watched 'City of God' which was supposed to be, from what I was told, a really beautiful/fantastic movie. It was about the gangs in the slums in Rio De Janeiro and yeah, maybe a good movie somewhere, but not really so beautiful. Found myself bored with the movie & just aggravated. There was so much evil in there, lots of crime and violence. I kept waiting for someone to shoot Li'l Ze' to end the little tyrant's reign. Just another stupid bully. As the movie wore on I was sort of hoping that everyone would get wiped out. It didn't feel like there was maybe even one soul that wasn't evil in that place, or at least substantially touched by it, or easily drawn into it....

... today in Wal-mart saw some dad yelling at his little girl promising to her that he'd never take her shopping again unless she picked something now. It is so hard to know when to step in. For all I know the kid could've been being a brat & this was the best way to try to bring discipline to her out of love. My initial reaction was that it was one more child in an adults body who had no idea how to parent & who is likely causing all kinds of damage to their kid, who will then damage their children, and their children after them.... looking at the cycles of abuse & damage, I left feeling kind of hopeless and thinking again that maybe God's judgement on our society is the most merciful thing he can do. Maybe it would be for the best if God wiped humanity off the planet. For all the ways we damage each other, maybe we'd be better off if it all just ended.....

... normally I'm the one begging for God to intervene, to show mercy. Normally I side pretty heavily on the side of people & cry out that we're sheep that have gone astray & we need our shepherd to lead and guide us. I am noticing more & more lately that I am less willing to intercede for humanity as a whole. I could've sworn that there is a passage in the Bible where, after all the times Moses reminds God of His promises and pleads with God to not wipe out Israel, Moses finally loses it & is giving God permission to wipe out Israel & God has to talk him off the ledge.... I can't find that passage any more. Not sure whether I just made it up or if it's some other kind of sign.....

... was listening to Rich Mullins' "The Jesus Project" today. Man that brings up memories. I put together an 11 week bible study framed around the songs of the album. It was a labour of love both for Rich, as he had died shortly before the album release, and Jesus. I had to fight so hard to get that in. I felt like I was constantly having to prove myself to Norm & constantly being talked about negatively by Steven. I just got this vibe from them always that I was doing the wrong things. Maybe I was. Not sure if they wanted me to do some Bible study book or what. Maybe I wasn't studying the Bible so well because we worked through topics/concepts/questions instead of just the Bible. I do remember moments from that study though, some that were beautiful, or at least seemed to be right & opened people to pondering Christ if not maybe encountering him. Who knows what happened. It was shortly after that that I switched up the group to being a sports night get together 'cause people seemed to be wanting something other than a Bible study. Maybe I read that wrong, too. It wasn't long after that that things started to fizzle & I ended up leaving anyhow.... that became the first of many Bible study groups that I've managed to kill off in my chain of failure/wake of destruction :)

Listening today is bringing back so many things and putting me in touch again with old truths and things that touched my heart very long ago & are speaking to me again. Mostly realized today how much the gospel confounds me. I so used to think I understood how things work and it gets less and less clear every year. Jesus comes to earth to be saviour and has three years or so of visible ministry and then lays down his life and dies, is raised to life and then leaves. And yes, this has changed the world and the ripples are pulsing through my life today, but it is all just so counter-intuitive. I feel so strongly the ache to be able to make a difference, to be an agent of redemption and yet God's message seems to be so small scale; receive God's love, learn to love Him and be captivated by Him, love others, enjoy each moment as a gift/act of worship. That's it..... and like Naaman I'm standing by the Jordan looking for something great to do when all He asks for me to do is to be loved & love. This doesn't sound like a strategy for dealing with gang in Rio De Janeiro or crap parents in wal-mart... or the endless need/ache in the world around me....

It's no wonder I sound crazy. You stare into the sun too long you go blind. You stare into the light of Christ for too long and, well, it messes with the way you see things. You maybe find yourself, as Rich says, "lost enough to let yourself be led"; totally confused by what God is doing, but yet in awe and worship of how incredible and incredibly other He is, of how He works so differently than the ways of man. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, that which is born of the spirit is spirit. In all the trying to figure out stuff, it feels like a battle of the flesh. God, may your Holy Spirit quicken my spirit afresh. Show me what the true power of the gospel is. Lead me in this place of feeling lost.

“If you’re hearing this, you are the revolution.”

These are the words of John Connor in Terminator Salvation. Not the greatest movie, but these words were like a knife to me. In the movie the idea was that any human left who could hear his voice was, by default, part of the revolution to prevent humanity from being wiped out by the machines.

In many senses, especially in light of the recent vision I had, the same is true of us. In so many ways, there have been systematic attempts to wipe out humanity – both from our own stupidity, foolishness, selfishness, greed, arrogance, hate, evil, and, in my opinion, the darker forces of the demonic. And where the world hasn’t killed us, it’s tried to own us, to make us slaves and labourers, to kill, if not our bodies, then our spirits, hopes, dreams, passions. There has been so much in our world as a whole, and, as we think about it, our lives specifically where we are lucky to be alive…

…and I think somewhere in that gift of life, is the message that we are, by default, part of the revolution. The revolution against fear, prejudice, hate, the revolution against selfishness, idolatry, the revolution against oppression, slavery, injustice. Really it is the revolution of love – true, selfless giving of ourselves, our time, our possessions, everything….

And so in many ways, I feel that for each of us who have physical life, or who have the spark of passion, of hope, of love, of joy burning in our hearts in whatever small fragmentary embers remains that the world hasn’t totally snuffed out yet, we are the revolution. It is our voices that need to be heard in the world. We need to be messengers of life, of hope, of dignity & compassion.

This brings a weight to our words, to our lives. Every moment is meant to be lived. To savour & celebrate the uniqueness of our creation, the gift of being made in His image and experiencing the gifts of life and relationship. And so in each word we speak, in each flavour we savour on our tongues, each time we laugh, each moment we celebrate, or weep, or rage. Everything we do out of the truth of who we are whether it be big or small, significant or insignificant, it matters. Each of us living our lives brings inspiration to others to live their lives. As we share our passions, it ignites the passions of others. As we bubble over with joy, it becomes contagious. As we walk in beauty, others find inspiration. As we weep and mourn, others find depths of heart/feelings that have been locked for years. As we rage & make others uncomfortable with hard words, we stir up the itches that can’t be scratched, the underlying cry for justice & mercy that all of us feel, but few find voice for…..

…and so there is a great need to not be silent, but to speak, to live, to act, to be larger than life, or, well, to just live life to the full, unashamed, unhidden, to let our lights shine before men & women….

So speak…. You are, after all, the revolution…..

….are you listening?

Wandering lost

Went on a prayer pilgrimage with members of my church community. Missing some, feeling closer to others than expected. Last week the pilgrimage was called on account of rain & I was bitter & angry and very, very unhappy. I felt the most lost that I have maybe ever been….and with my near monthly mid-life crises, that’s maybe saying something. The prayer week opened up a door in me again, let me taste the sweetness of presence. I felt His delight over us, saw visions of the ways the enemies have tried to exterminate this generation (and everyone before) and how that God has been sovereign over it all and, in the midst of all the death & despair & ache & loss has been raising up an innumerable cloud/horde of worshippers, intercessors, witnesses… voices that will not be silenced, can not be silenced, all crying out for freedom, for justice, for the night to turn to day & the dawn to come….

…and I’ve felt lost because after tasting that, how do you go back to normal again?! And the sadder truth is that it’s far too simple to go back to normal, to feel the fire of His kiss start to fade on your lips, to, like Moses, feel the glory fading from your face as you are further & further from the closeness of His presence….the memory of it all is still there, burning like embers in your chest, but all the while you’re going through the motions of the normal routines of life….

So today I wanted to join pilgrimage… or, well, to be more accurate, yesterday I wanted to join pilgrimage. Today I was dog tired and grumpy and felt none of the fire or passion or even desire to go. But I went, wanting to participate, to have the chance at experience….and so we walked & journeyed led by our messengers of enthusiasm & loyalty (Justice the dog & Daniel & Jenn’s kids).

The pilgrimage wasn’t what I expected. Lots of great parts of seeing beauty both in the sense of nature as we walked the trails and green spaces of Calgary, and in the sense of beautiful houses as we strolled through some of the more opulent neighbourhoods in Calgary. Most of these places I’d never seen before in the 13 years of being here. I enjoyed the ideas/concepts/discussions brought on by the walk & the ‘activities’. There was a beauty in making ourselves foolish in some of the moments. But yeah, just not what I expected….

.During the walk the words of Psalms 121 came into my head where David speaks saying, “I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes form the Lord which made heaven and earth.” Someone postulated the idea, and I’m not sure whether it was true or not, that the song is one of pilgrimage from the yearly journey to Zion for the day of atonement or some other gathering of worship at the temple. The person postulated that the reference to ‘lift up your eyes to the hills’ was from where the journeying worshippers would see all the places of idolatry set on the hills, the ‘high places’ as the pagan worshippers would assume the mountains put them closer to their gods. The person sharing this idea commented that they thought the psalm was David asking people to look at all of these places of false worship & to ask, where is your help really coming from? And the hearts of the true worshippers would say, “it is from the Lord, Jehovah, Yahweh, the maker of heaven & earth.”

I’ve head it said that the best place to see Zion, or even the temple is from outside the gates of Jersualem on the hill where Solomon let his foreign brides worship their false gods. This was beside Gehenna, Jerusalem’s garbage dump which burned with continual fires and became a metaphor for Hell.

As we walked today, metaphorically walking to Zion, I was hoping to see a bit more underbelly…. To have the high places pointed out to me, the seats of money & power in this city. The boardrooms and the backrooms, the places where lives are bought & sold. I was hoping to see the places of desperation, where there is ache & loss and heartache and people scrabble for morsels to feed their stomachs or their souls. I wanted to stand just this side of hell, to feel the stench fill my nostrils and the heat of the flame on my face…. Somewhere in there I was hoping to find desperation, and beyond the desperation hope, and beyond the hope was hoping to see revelation, again, of the only one who is our help.

But instead we walked & talked & saw beauty and clean. All of which is nice & great & there are lessons there… but it’s all harder to see, and I think I lost God in the middle of it all. Not that He wasn’t there, I just lost the sense of awareness. We talked about nice houses and money and need vs. want, enough vs. gluttony, nothingness & homelessness vs. just living vs. excess… and maybe in the end none of it mattered. As part of the journey they quoted Kierkegaard saying that seeking the kingdom of God isn’t about doing things or selling your house & giving it to the poor, seeking God’s kingdom is about seeking the kingdom, nothing else…. And as we wrestled with questions of money & life and what are we doing, all of which is good wrestle, we still lost the purpose which was to make the first commandment first and to just seek God….. and when we say we, really I mean, I because that’s all I can really speak for….

…. The rest of today has been a haze of tired & ache. I wanted to head to the U of C catholic community for mass tonight. Have never really been to a full mass & thought it would be a cool experiment just to learn what it looks like. Mostly wanted to go ‘cause I think the students that come to help at JLYS are fabulous people & they give a lot to our moms & kids & community and I wanted to go to the places where they are & worship with them, or at least see what worship looks like for them. But in the end, I ran out of time by trying to fit in making pizza and a having a nap and really needing to have just way more sleep. I should be cleaning my house, editing letters for Jason, putting together a dating profile, pulling in my hoses for winter before they freeze. But instead have been walking in a tired fog getting the bare minimum done to get me fed & have leftovers for lunches in the week ahead.

Watched the ‘Stone of Destiny’ tonight and that has led to a different haze. It’s a movie about four young people full with passion taking risks to steal back a symbol of Scottish freedom from the British who kept it under their throne as a sign of the subjection of the Scottish people. Watching the movie fuels the fires in me of ache for being significant, for making a difference, for bringing freedom to people, for igniting passion, for finding partners in crime and finding a courageous love. I’ve been all ache since finishing the movie. Restless. I’ve wanted to drive far & fast, to run out into the streets, to scream, to do something, anything to make me feel not caught in four walls, to not be caught in patterns of normal, not trapped by timidity or lack of vision. I want to talk to someone who understands this, to feel the strength of shared fire/passion. But in the end, many friends are away, or busy, or it really doesn’t matter. More talk maybe means nothing.

I feel the aloneness tonight of not being understood, of feeling foreign in my world & to my own people. I feel weak & cowardly because I talk instead of do. I feel foolish because I have no idea of what to ‘do’ and think that I should have better ideas & plans…

….and at the end of the day, the message is ‘love’…. That was what was spoken in ‘relentless’ voice to me in the middle of feeling lost… just love. It’s the simplest yet hardest, easiest & yet most courageous thing we can do. Love relentlessly like the relentless love we follow, who skips over mountains & hills……