Why I bail on church

I didn't want to go to church tonight....

See, I'd already been to church this morning. I went with my parents, who were in town for a visit, to my cousin's church. We went, it was long - made even longer by the fact that I'd tuned out about 1/3 of the way through. Things just went on & on & it wasn't stuff I was connecting with. After the service was (finally) done, we ended up going down to their newcomer's luncheon to welcome new people & help them meet others in the church & get connected so that people could decide if they wanted to make this church their 'church home'... I went to hang out with my parents (and the food was free (& yummy)). My parents went, well, I'm not sure exactly why - maybe it's 'cause they like to talk to new people, or maybe it's cause they're hoping to 'help' me find a new church - some good place where I can get settled in, meet some nice Christian girl & be all happy & stuff.... they worry about me... they worry 'cause I don't go to church on Sunday mornings. They worry 'cause I don't always go to church on Sunday nights (or anytime). They worry about me 'cause I've expressed sentiments of frustration with the church - I've asked "what's the point?!" because, in frustration, I haven't understood any more the reasons why I'm going to church....

...and all of these things are foreign to my parents. Going to church is just part of life for them. As a Christian, it's what you do - you go to church on Sunday morning. You dress up, look nice & head out to sing & listen to a sermon (sometimes one that you sleep or fidget through, but at least you're there). At home, my parents faithfully attend a church of 3 people - mom, dad & the pastor. It used to be a church of seven, but us three boys moved away & the pastor's mom died.... I often marvel why they bother (the part where the pastor calls dad up to take the offering is particularly odd - mom plays the piano & so the only person sitting in the pews is dad, so he gets up, receives the offering plate from our pastor, prays to bless the offering , puts his check/money in & hands it back to the pastor & goes to sit back down - then at the end of the day, since he's the church treasurer, too, my dad counts the money that he put into the plate & records it in his notebook)....

...at the end of it, I ended up with a pictorial directory of the church. I told my mom I didn't want it ('cause I wasn't planning to make this place 'home' and didn't want to waste their money taking something I wouldn't use), but yeah, she, in that gentle mom way, kept asking me if I wanted it until I finally got tired of being asked & just took the book....

...and so yeah, I didn't want to go tonight...

...but I went. I left the house late. I left dragging my feet, but I went.... why?! well, I don't know why... out of habit, out of obligation, out of a sense of having nothing better to do....

...I went I guess looking for connection.... I've had crazy busy weeks lately with work & have been run ragged. haven't slept that well. Have a busy, busy week ahead. My very close & wonderful friend has sort of been out of the loop for the last couple of weeks... and yeah, I sort of know/think that connection is what I need, or is what I'm looking for.... some of it is loneliness, some of it is just looking for something - looking for that 'aha!" moment - that moment where things make sense, or where joy clicks in, or something....

...and yeah, i got to church, chatted a bit with friends, listened to the music some & yeah, just slowly felt my heart tune out again.... used to be I'd blame the circumstances of what was going on, but yeah, I've come to realize now that likely my problems with church are more internal than external.. I think we can do the same thing at church & one night I'll be all happy about it & then next night I'll go "ugh, why am I here?"

...so I slipped out to phone the movie theaters to see if I could get to a showing of 'Jarhead', but no such luck.... so I stayed & listened for a while & listened to Sheri talk. It was good to hear her stories, but yeah, my tummy hadn't been fed & I was itching to leave & would've loved to listen to her talk over supper, but yeah, just didn't want to be at church & so yeah....

...so I left.....

...before I left, I heard Sheri launch into her message proper. To begin she asked several questions: "are you hungry for God?" "do you really want Him?", "Is he your first thought every morning & your last thought at night?", "do you love to spend time with him & try to make time for moments alone with him?".... and yeah, good questions, but questions that bother me... it's kind of the second time in recent history that they've come up (Brennan's been asking similar things in his "the importance of being foolish" book (which I'm actually having a hard time with reading - normally Brennan's books are really soothing to me, but I've been kind of frustrated with this one))....

...and yeah, my answers to the questions? I don't know... I really don't know... I want to say yes, that I ache for God, but that's not entirely true... I sure don't put a ton of effort into pursuing Him... I've tried to stop worrying about whether I'm 'seeking' or not.... I heard so much of the 'are you hungry for God?' question at the last church that I was at that I now have an animosity towards the question... mostly 'cause the question came with this ultimatum - that 'obviously' the reason why things weren't going right in your life, the reason why stuff didn't make sense, the reason why God didn't feel close was 'cause you weren't hungry enough - all of your faith falls apart 'cause you don't have enough juice, enough hutzpah to chase down the almighty. God wants to see effort, drive, dedication.... and yeah, since I'm a very un-disciplined kind of guy, I gave up on that....

...well, not really - see I tried hard to manufacture it all. i like God. I think He's pretty fantastic - hard to deal with & a little scary, but fantastic none the less... and I wanted Him, I wanted to want Him & so yeah, I poured myself in as best I could & always found that it wasn't enough - I stayed me & the circumstances of life didn't change - and so yeah, I gave up, but mostly after coming to the conclusion that I was defective & that God didn't want to talk to me 'cause I didn't have 'what it takes'.....

...now, I've been sort of unlearning that crap & trying to settle back into the reality that I'm loved 'cause I am & accepted just 'cause He's gracious & 'cause He actually likes me... He wants me to 'win', He wants me to rest & just enjoy being His....

...but yeah, back to Sheri's questions - my first thought in the morning?: usually it is 'ugh, i don't want to get up' or smack, smack, 'where is that danged snooze button'. I'm barely functional in the morning.. If I think about anything other than getting dressed, remembering my name & figuring out how to drive the car to work, I think I'm doing pretty good.... sometimes there are profound thoughts in the morning - epiphanies in the shower (don't read anything into that) - but yeah, they're more rare.....and my last thought before bed?: often it's about sex... thinking about sex, or the general lack of sex in my life, or about wanting sex, or yeah.... other nights it's just flailing - looking for some moment of significance or accomplishment to end the day on, sometimes it's the mental preparation for what tomorrow holds.... and sometimes it's just the general sense of gratitude that the day is at an end & i can enjoy a nice warm comfy bed....

so yeah.... I didn't hear the rest of the message 'cause I went to fill my belly... I hoped for deep conversation to happen somewhere in the night, but it didn't look like it was going to work out so I went home to watch TV & surf the net hoping something intelligent would pop up that I could contemplate... but yeah, none of that either.....but yeah, I don't know what the message had to conclude.... that there was some other 'way out' for people like me who don't have Jesus as 'first thought/last thought', people like me who are more interested in filling my belly instead of (presumably) waiting around in church for my soul/spirit to get filled.... or that I'm screwed - that I either need to cowboy up & muscle it in - work harder, try better - or that God will just set me aside 'cause I haven't done enough.....

....and yeah, I have an image of Jesus, which I like to think is legitimate - it's the image of Him in the gospels & the Old Testament - the crazy lover who doesn't know when to quit. The one who is so overwhelmed with love for His bride that He'll steam roll over whole nations to get to her, who'll romance her & bless her with every good thing, who'll, when she takes him for granted, let her walk her own way, let her choose what isn't good in order that she can learn how much she does long for Him, does want Him. He is the one who sees her as dark yet lovely, who walks into her darkness, who embraces her weakness & loves her & pours his strength & light into her.... he's the one that the prostitutes could love & trust - the man who, after they'd been abused by every man, won their trust, their adoration, their tears & kisses 'cause He showed them love, real love....

...and yeah, this is the Jesus I want to know... I just have this history of hearing about 'coach Jesus' - the one who'll bench you if you don't put out. The one who wants you in the weight room every day, reading up on the 7 secrets of successful people & pushing harder & father to reach some prize of 'pleasing' him.... and yeah, I'm sick of the concept of the 'coach Jesus'.... it's like a monkey on my back, an addiction that won't let go.... I want to know the Jesus that Mary Magdalene would weep over - though a lot of times it feels like I've barely met Him... 'cause that kind of love seems so ethereal - like fairy tales, like stuff your heart whispers in your dreams & when you awake you can feel how real it was, but it fades like the mist in the morning light.... but yet you catch the memory of it in each moment - with the wind in the wheat, with the breathing of the oceans, with the smile of a friend....

And yeah, I want my faith to be romance & not discipline.... I want it to be about relationship instead of order & structure & rules.... and hence this is maybe why I still go to church week after week (minus the weeks I skip 'cause I lose hope & start looking elsewhere)... I'm looking for romance... for connection... for something deeper, something more... I'd be happy to just hit deep conversation with friends... I'd be ecstatic to meet a woman to fall in love with... meeting the risen Christ for real - encountering the love that made Mary pour out everything at His feet - this is almost too good to hope for... though I'd love to meet Him there (though often I think I meet this Jesus, the one the prostitutes knew loved them, in the highways & byways of the everyday - little moments of wonder where I see His love revealed in something....

....and yeah, I've heard people talk, using the romance metaphor, about how shoddy our relationships would be if we treated our significant others the way we treat Jesus & yeah, I can see that & used to spout that stuff myself (recently I've had the scary thought that God could justifiably send me a woman to fall head over heels for that treated me as badly as I treated Him... that was sort of a scary thought).... but yeah, I've thought about it, too, that, having not been married, I don't really understand what marriage entails... I used to think I knew what it felt like to 'fall in love' - but since nothing's really worked out, I sort of question the validity of that & whether I know anything about being 'in love'... I know what it's like to be infatuated (for lack of a better term). i know what it's like to be fascinated with someone - to spend most every waking moment thinking about them & desiring them & wanting to know just a little bit more of who they are.... but yeah, I've also seen how infatuation turns into the reality of the every day.... I've seen in friendships & family relationships how there is the longing for closeness, for intimacy, for those moments of deep talks sharing all of who you are, but I've seen how that these moments are the rare ones (and once you've gone over all the deep stuff, what else is there to talk about?). I've seen how the majority of life, the majority of relationship is the show & tell of rehearsing our days to one another - sharing the little moments & speaking out the stuff of what happened & how it made us feel or what we thought about....

...I've come to realize (or think that I've realized - again this is the uninformed observations of a single guy), that intimacy is not this continual rush of these 'magic' moments - no perpetual high of ever deepening revelations about the other... Instead, most of it is the daily grind - the simply being there with each other, sharing in the mundane, eating, together, sleeping together, walking together, talking together, everything together - just sharing life in all of it's goods & bads, ups & downs.... and in the end, the foundation for all of the special moments of what we feel are 'true intimacy' is really the lifetime of the day to day that we've spent together with the one we love....

...and yeah, for me, that's why I'm still a Christian, why there is a perpetual choice made in my life to choose Christ... It's not really a choice I make, more it's a something that's chosen me, a choice that makes me.... I love God 'cause He loves me... I chose Him 'cause He's chosen me... He is the source of all & the one who has walked tirelessly through my life, the one who shares my flesh & who shares my mundane moments of life.... He is tirelessly faithful & loyal & the picture of the love that I'd like to exhibit (or, well, more honestly, the love I'd like to experience).... and like Peter I find myself saying, "where else can I go, only you have the words of eternal life"....