belief/found out pt2/confession

Much of the Serenity movie has stuck with me & left me with stuff to ponder.... one of the ponder-worthy things (of many) that I've had on my list of 'crap-to-write-about' list for a while is the contrast in belief. In the movie, the crew of Serenity is hunted by "the Operative". He is this handsome, polite, charming, intelligent person who works for the Alliance to help bring their vision of world order into reality. To do this, he kills anyone who doesn't fit the mold. He's busy trying to create a 'world without sin' - a place where only the 'refined', the 'righteous', the 'pure' live, a place of 'utopia' where everyone believes in the 'goodness' of the Alliance, where they believe that it's good to give up control, give up freedoms & choice for the sake of having a 'clean' & 'good' society where it is safe & they're protected from anything 'bad'....

...and in the movie he's a such a great threat because he believes. He believes fully that his cause is just, that he fights for what is right & that he's doing the right thing. He knows he's 'sinning' in killing people, but he's doing it to bring the greater good, to help create the utopia that he will not be welcome in. He believes in this vision so much that he will risk his own life, will give anything to see the dream come true.

This is contrasted with Mal, the captain of the ship Serenity, who has no belief....all that he's believed in has been stripped away, crushed under the heel of the Alliance. All he wants now is to be left alone, left to journey the night sky in his little ship with his little crew, making enough money to stay alive & travel fast enough to stay just off the radar.... His heart's been hardened by disappointment & his sense of belief is kind of shot....

...in the middle of the movie, Mal & Shepherd Book, the wandering preacher with the mysterious past, are talking & the Shepherd warns Mal of the danger of those pursuing him & counsels Mal that the only way to fight this is to believe.... Mal comments that God is likely not going to be much help in a firefight. Shepherd Book replies angrily to this, "Why do you automatically assume when I talk about belief that I'm talking about God. I don't care what you believe in, just believe in it "

And I've pondered this statement quite a bit, trying to plumb the depths of it's validity or non-validity....I've been contemplating belief, it's strengths & weaknesses. The good & the bad of it....

...this last week I ended up talking to another Christian & he was talking about the 'sad' state of affairs in the world & how church attendance is plummeting everywhere in the western world (except in America, which to him seemed this bastion/beacon of hope for decency). He wondered what it would take to get Canada shaken up, what would get Canada as a nation to really turn to God. And he told me, almost proudly, that he'd been thinking that this whole pandemic thing could be exactly what is needed, that "people can't deny their need for God when they see their family & friends dying all around them."

And yeah, it made me feel sick....I wish I would've yelled at him, or slapped him or done something to show some kind of reaction of disgust or something....but no, being the polite Canadian I am, I carried on the conversation & tried to steer him towards the idea that we already know that we're empty, already know that we are longing for something more - that Gen-X is here because we've had all our hopes & dreams of happiness & brighter tomorrows dashed by the way that our parents have given their lives in dedication to work or church only to watch the companies & religion turn their backs on them & steal their money, time & the best years of their lives....

...but I had to think, I was afraid, and asked myself whether I'd spoken things like that before. I know that I've probably prayed for God to do 'something drastic' to make people realize their need for Him.... I hope, I pray that I never asked God to kill people in order to help them decide that they should 'believe' in Him.... but I do know that in my zeal, in my 'belief', I've likely hoped & prayed for bad things to happen to people so that they'd realize their need - I've sat like some sick vulture waiting, perched just out of reach waiting for someone to crash & burn so I could come in with the 'good news' to 'rescue' them.....

...and yeah, the idea of this makes me sick now it makes me go, "God, what was I thinking?". I understand the motivation. I understand that it's motivated by the belief that people 'believing in Jesus' is the best thing for them, the best thing that could happen. It's this 'believe' that we as Christians are trying to 'save people from Hell'. It's rooted in this idea that one human soul is so precious & important that we would rather offend someone than to see them spend an eternity in hell.....

....but I just contrast the way this guy thought (and the way I must've thought) with Paul who, in Romans 10, goes, "If I knew my damnation could result in the salvation of the people of Israel, I'd happily spend eternity in hell just to see them go free".... and it's an odd sentiment, but I think there is more love in that, a willingness to, like Christ, lay down your life for the sake of those you love, that the way that I/this guy have thought about wanting God to 'hurt' or 'kill' people for the sake of 'saving' them.... How much love is that? we sit with our little clean hands & whitewashed walls never once getting ourselves dirty by touching any of the 'unclean'... we pray for our own happiness & security, all the while praying pietistically for the 'them' outside our doors that God will 'punish' them in the hopes that they will 'repent' so they can join our smarmy little club of do-gooders & "nice" people....

In the movie, Mal finds his things to believe in... mostly it's the idea of freedom that he believes in.... the idea that people can make their own choices, that they have the right to choose for themselves.

Joss Whedon, creator/director/writer/etc. of Firefly/Serenity puts it like this: "What I was trying to deal with was the idea of personal freedom and personal responsibility. The idea of the right to be wrong. The idea of the right that everybody has to just be themselves. In the classic utopian future, everyone gets homogenized to the point where you can start to lose that. This was literally about how much you can take away from people before they either break or fight back. That was a part of the show, but it was absolutely the point of the movie and the reason its called Serenity. It's not just the name of the ship or the battle. It's very simply something that people are searching for, and that search will either make them do terrible things or make them do wonderful things."

Mal puts it a bit more bluntly, "They [the alliance] will swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave. " And in the end the rag tag collection of thieves, miscreants, mercenaries, misfits & hookers battles the side of 'right' for the chance to live free....to live as humans were meant to live....

In the past I think I maybe didn't really know, didn't really love, anyone who wasn't in the little church bubble.... I think in the past it was "us' vs. 'them'... Now, to steal a line from an Andrew Smith son, "there is only us" in my mind. I have non-Christian friends that I respect highly. Men & women of integrity, of love & compassion. I see in them wisdom in their choices. They are not governed by some set of morals handed down from a pulpit, but they are guided by the internal conscience, the sense of what is right & wrong....and often I've seen them stand up for justice - that place of defending those who have no defense, speaking for those who have no voice - more than the church has. I see with them true communities, people who love & care for each other, people who open their hearts & homes to one another, people who give generously without a sense of measuring who has given more than another... and yeah, I don't wish them bad... I don't wish for them to experience pain in order to 'need' God.... I don't even want to make some bargain to sell my soul in order to sneak them into heaven.... I see their choices, see the reality that they refuse to believe in a God that is not real to them.... their hearts are open, they'll believe if they see Him, but they haven't encountered him yet.... and won't believe until they've met Him for real.... and I respect that... I value that.. I realize that my faith has become similar - that my heart cry is that I'm tired of hearing theories about God, I only want reality, I only want to encounter him.... and yeah, I don't want someone to 'believe' in God out of fear, or treachery, or 'need' or anything... right now I'm not even sure if 'belief' is what matters.... I want people to fall in love with Jesus - to be romanced by God & swept off their feet - to encounter love that goes beyond some sense of ideas or ideals.....

.... I talked today with our administrative assistant, the one who'd discovered I was a Christian 'cause of my silly christian-radio coffee mug. She mentioned that she'd only 'come to faith' over the last few years and so I asked her why she believed, what was it that made her chose to undergo such a change of heart and to believe in some invisible God. And in her story she talked about how that she never believed in God, but would always fight against people who would mock the bible or say that Christianity was all fake... she talked about how somewhere in her journey someone answered some of her questions about God & suddenly things just became clear in her heart, somehow she just knew she wanted Jesus, wanted to believe in Him and it was just this huge thing inside her that changed....

..and it was beautiful for me to hear that. Having grown up in the church, having not gone through this 'change' myself, I sort of forget why anyone would believe in Christianity... I can sort of understand belief in Jesus 'cause He's fantastic, but yeah.... & I think through great "apologetics", Christianity has been reduced to a set of dogmas - to an intellectual exercise for people to learn to parrot the right phrases & become this homogenous mass of little church puppets that act & do & answer according to the 'acceptable' way of thinking/being.... and I forget the power of Jesus, forget the reality of how people can be 'seized by the power of a great affection'.... I forget what it feels like to fall in love & feel the earth shift under your feet....

Tonight I watched "Blue Like Jazz: Live". Decent play. I wasn't super excited about it, but parts of it made me cry at the beauty of what he had to say....and so that made it well worth the cheap-cheap ticket price of $17.... In the play he mentioned part of the book that I'd forgotten, the part where Donald & his friends go to a rave & open a confession booth where, instead of hearing confessions, they confess to the people that come in.... the 'churched' sit & apologize to the 'unchurched' for the sins of the church against the rest of the world....

...and yeah, it made me think tonight of all I have to 'repent for, of all the ways that I, in my 'belief' have looked like the operative in serenity instead, zealously killing people for the sake of the 'greater good', instead of loving like Jesus.... and so yeah... I apologize for the ways that I have judged... for the ways that I have tried to place myself higher than others, higher than you. I apologize for my pride, for the way that I've tried to find significance, tried to boost my ego by trying to be 'good' or 'righteous' or 'holy' or whatever word I've used to justify trying to separate me from you. I ask your forgiveness for my lack of love.... for the way I have turned a blind eye to the poor & the poor in spirit. For the ways that I haven't listened, haven't loved, haven't given. I am sorry for the way the church has treated the homosexual community, for the ways we have pointed & called you horrible, evil names. For the way that we, in the name of 'Jesus' & the name of 'love' (though really it was in the name of our fears) that we have called you abominations, that we have treated you as less than human. I ask your forgiveness for the way that we, the way that I, have not loved you, have not sat with you like a friend to talk, to listen, to laugh & cry with you. I apologize for the way that we in the church have pointed at AIDS as God's 'judgement' on the homosexual community.... AIDS is the new leprosy... In Jesus's time the lepers were feared & shunned, they were the outcasts & the ones that no one touched.... no one but Jesus. Jesus would always touch the lepers, surrounding them in a hug & it was with His touch that they were made whole, healed.... I ask your forgiveness for the ways that I have not hugged those with AIDS, for the ways that I have not held the dying in my arms, for the way that I have held back the love & healing that could be offered in treating you like a friend, like someone who is precious, like someone Jesus would give everything for.... I ask your forgiveness for the way I have barred the door to heaven, shut the gate of access to Jesus by trying to get you to clean up first instead of just loving you... Forgive me for the places where empty moralizing became more important than loving you... Forgive me for the ways I've thumbed my nose at bars & drinking - for the times I didn't join you in celebration - join you in life. Forgive me for the ways I've distanced myself from you. Jesus was always in the 'worst' places & loved the 'sinners' and the 'sinners' loved Him & were amazed that this man of God, this God, would take such joy in eating & hanging out with them..... and, instead of taking joy in your life, taken joy from sharing your journey, I've kept myself separate, 'protected', insulated in my little bubble of lies. I've stayed in the church when Jesus was in the alleys & the pubs laughing & loving & crying with the every day person.... embracing, loving, getting his hands 'dirty'....

I wish in some ways my hands were less clean.... In Luke 7, it's Mary the 'sinful woman' the prostitute that Jesus points to as the example of a true worshipper, of one with an unashamed love... I want to be like her, want to be like someone who is grateful, someone who has met Love & who has been changed by love.... I wish in some ways I drank or smoke or had sex or did stuff that would make me 'bad' - something that would break down these silly walls that we in the church have made that separate people - Forgive me for the way that morality has determined worth, for the ways that I have not shown grace or compassion..... Forgive me for the ways that I have 'talked a good game' & spoken out about love or grace or justice and really have known nothing of these things save what I've seen from Jesus. I'm a chicken, a coward in so many ways & have walked away from so many chances to love, to give, to show even a scrap of kindness...

Forgive me for not being a reflection of Love, a true reflection of Jesus.... In taking His name, in calling myself 'Christian', I have defamed His name, not by doing 'bad' things (which is how the church seems to think we defame His name), but by the way I haven't loved radically like He does... Honestly, I'm learning how to love, learning how to love & accept myself & I'm learning I'm really not good at any of it & sort of need a lot of help, but am too stubborn to really receive it.... so I'm kind of a slow pupil at this love thing... I want to learn to love like He does, I want to be loved by Him the way the Bible says He loves... I want to be loved by you & to learn that I'm accepted and to be able to learn to accept & cherish the differences in each of us....

the list is endless of the things I can ask forgiveness for - for talking about trying to protect/look after prostitutes, but being scared to talk to them, for the way the church has condemned people having abortions instead of supporting & loving people who are often just scared young girls watching their lives fall apart... for the smarmy way we say "you got what you deserved" and look gleefully on when disasters strike like the twin towers falling or the Tsunamis striking Asia....in the church it seems we've traded Love, traded Jesus, for just another religion... one more set of do's & don'ts which doesn't help anyone, but just kills our ability to live - steals our ability to choose & take responsibility. We've handed over our freedom to "the alliance" we call the church and forgotten that the true church is this ragtag bunch of misfits, miscreants, hookers & thieves all looking for home, searching for our little piece of Serenity...

Forgive me, forgive us, for not loving you, for hiding the face of love from your eyes.... Forgive us for trying to pretend that we're something we're not instead of just being human like everyone else.