Ramblings on Beauty & Breathing

This is why life & depression & humanity & feelings are all so funny & hard to deal with. A few days ago, I write despondently about how mundane my life is, how I have nothing to look forward to, am drowning in this sea of emptiness with miles and miles of desolation as far as the eyes can see.... and tonight I'm breathless with wonder, lungs bursting with this sense of awe at just how good, how rich it is to be alive, to spend a moment on this planet, spend a moment in my own skin....

...and the difference? who knows. Tonight is the same as other Monday nights. Psuedo-plans cancelled with a friend 'cause they're busy so I retreat home to forage for food (trying to save the good leftovers for lunches at work) and plop myself in front of the TV. An extended supper ensues with a three course meal consisting of potatoes with cheese followed by ice cream and then saskatoon crumble with cream on top (man, saskatoons are like gold to me - precious commodities, things I horde & only the special few get to share in my 'stash')... this lasts me an episode of the Gilmore Girls with the humor & relational drama and an episode of Firefly, cool sci-fi with enough tension to have me swearing at the TV screen telling the people to get back into their ship before the baddies come & everything falls apart..... I limit myself to the 2 episodes so I don't get the lethargic feeling from too much TV & head up to my room to read the chapter in Marcello's book about his travels around Niger while I soak in the tub..... and Marcello's tales are breathtaking - tales of the poor, of the Tuareg people - their blue robes, silver swords, coffee-cream skin and liquid grey-blue eyes (Marcello's words) - tales of hiking 40 km through the desert, tales of camel riding escapades, of fighting malaria, of marketplaces in far off lands......

... and i'm left feeling alive, feeling like the world is this wonderful & amazing & fairy tale place with dragons & ogres & monsters, but bravery & courage & beauty & yeah.... it's the beauty that floors me, that makes me stand in awe of the world around me, of life and of the maker & giver of all of it....

and yeah, maybe some of it's from the movie last night, too - the good mood from the movie, the wonder & awe from that lasted through the day & even the mundaneness of work - with it's meetings and e-mails and sorting spreadsheets that nibble away at your soul like rats in the prison cell - couldn't extinguish the feelings of happiness....

... so again, what's the difference? what's the magic cure for depression? What's the silver bullet that defeats the werewolves within? beats me....

...but yeah, a long time ago, somewhere on the way around Galway or the Aran Islands in Ireland, I remembered how to breathe again. I remembered what it felt to actually enjoy just the fact that I was alive, that I could take a breath, that God was somehow savouring each moment with me.... and yeah, I've had places in my life where I've been able to breathe - as opposed to the other places where breaths seem rushed from the hustle & bustle of the north american life, schedules, worries, chaos, drudgery, traffic, deadlines, pressures, fears, etc.....

.... so yeah, the funny thing about life & humanity & feelings & such is that they are... that you can't control the moments and yeah, you can try to adjust your moods & think positive & all that stuff that I'm not much good at, but there are places where sometimes you're happy & sometimes you're not.... sometimes all you can see is blackness & sometimes where all you can see is light & colours and beauty all around you.... I figure in God's plans, in the gift of being human, we get to, like His Son, experience the entire gamut of emotions - we get to, like Christ, be made like our brothers & sisters & to experience what they experience, what all humans experience... and yeah, in moments of clarity like this it's rich & beautiful & right....

(and yeah, figured I'd jot down these thoughts in the 'clear'ish moments while I can before dark moments sneak in & cloud the vision again.... gotta recognize the balance that all of us experience both the good & bad, light & dark, happy & sad in our lives.... and yeah, realized tonight, too, that beauty sneaks up on you & surprises you just as much or more than any of the sad/dark stuff).