What I wished I said....

It's funny with me, I choke on my words at the times when I most want to say something. I can sit down & write stuff & have it all make sense (at least to me), but when I'm trying to carry on a conversation, it all seems to fall apart.... especially when it's trying to say things to people I care about... and yeah, it's funny - what I really want to say to people is that they are loved & don't need to carry any burdens around, or try to prove something to someone... but yeah, it doesn't come out right & what I'm trying to get at gets lost in all the umms & errrs....

Spent a chunk of time tonight at church just looking around - looking for people, looking at people. Lots of times I'd see people & wave at them with a big grin on my face. It was one of those nights where I 'saw' people, where seeing them would make my heart leap - that I'd realized how much they mattered, how precious they were to me, to someone, to God... and there are moments when the veil that covers people's faces drops away & you see for a moment how beautiful & brilliant & radiant all of us are... you see for a moment just how loved each of us is, how cherished each of us is... and it's something that I wish I could somehow show people, somehow make people see it...

..though at the same time I know the ways I've been addicted to self-hatred, how there have been places where I've choked on my own desires to prove myself to others, to prove I'm worthy of being loved, etc.... and yeah, i know the ways I've had people & God try to tell me I'm loved & don't need to prove myself & I have pushed them away saying, "that's nice, but I just have to do this one more thing to prove myself this one more time, and then I'll believe it's true"... and like a junkie looking for his next fix, I've tried to control it all, instead of just receiving it - trying to earn the embrace, instead of receiving the embrace just as I am....