Oct. 14 2:44 PM Horseshoe Bay beach – Bermuda

This beach life is a bit of an anomaly for me. I’m not exactly sure how to handle it all. First & foremost is trying not to burn – been out here since I don’t know when – put the spf 45 sun block on and been in & out of the water & back to the shade once to look for food (which sucked ‘cause the canteen is closed for the day). It’s windy & so not overly hot and intermittent clouds so these are all the places where I can get burned & not know it – but when I checked in the shade, I didn’t look pink at all, so we’ll try this for a bit longer.

Better put more sunscreen on though…
-hrm – putting on sunscreen when you’re covered in a fine layer of sand is not as easy (or pain free) as it was when I first got here.

It’s been a good time here, though a solitary one. I’m funny – spent the morning chatting with Marie’s mom but just wanted to head out & have “me” time – and now – while by myself on this beach of people (a lot less full than when I first arrived) I wish someone was here with me – or for me. I guess if I’m honest, I don’t want just anyone here - most people’s company would leave me craving me time again – but yeah, I do crave some kind of contact,/companionship, someone to share this with – and that comes to the selectiveness of who I want. Lots of people would not be here to “share” the moment, instead it would be to make the moment something more – wed have to be doing something or be noise or rush into the surf & go snorkeling or something – few people would really “share” what I’m experiencing – quiet, warmth, breeze, the soothing pulse of the ocean like a mother’s breathing while in utero – the feel of sand on skin, the scratch of pen on paper, the voices, the chirp of birds – this is my experience of the now and it has its own wonder in the quiet and it would be nice to look over at someone (especially a “my beloved”), look into her eyes without a word, only a smile and know that they were enjoying the richness of the moment, too.

There’s a wonder about this world that you have created that it needs to be shared – perhaps it is simply part of our being made in Your image that causes us to long to share the treasures of beauty around us – and perhaps that is your heart to share with us – “eye has not seen, nor ear heard,” the scriptures say, “the wonder that you have prepared for us” – and perhaps this is why you placed men & women in a garden made for them – a garden with every type of tree & flower & bush & herb. And you paraded every manner of animal before Adam to get him to name them, but also, I imagine, to share the wonder of each of these creatures with him.

And this, God, is where we/I see your childlike glee, the passion you have for your creation – like a little kid showing off the latest lego creation or drawing or sculpture of mud or clay – you come bounding up to us and say “look at this… isn’t it just great !!!!” and as Chesterton said, you show your childlike joy and freedom in the way you keep doing things over & over again – each new daisy results in your marvel, your unceasing wonder as you say, “let’s do that again!!! Let’s make another one!!”

And yeah, I believe that is why we were made: to share this with you, to enjoy life with you. At Jon & Allysen’s wedding there was again the gut choking, heart wrenching ache for a bride. Hearing Jon mention “I just want to see her” before the wedding – his heart & eyes attempting (but not succeeding) to patiently wait to behold his bride – and yeah, I felt that again, too, though, unlike Jon, my bride was not simply waiting upstairs a few meters and a few minutes away, adorning herself in her wedding attire.

And so the ache comes – nauseating in the way it chokes my innards like two great hands wrapped around my stomach, intestines and heart, squeezing, crushing and pulling them down and out through my spinal cord.

“She”, this mystical one that I often despair of finding is who I long for today in this place, this moment. But she is still a long ways off……

But this is the heartbeat of Jesus, the ache of the Son of God &Son of man where it was “not good” for Him to be alone - not that He was alone with Father & Spirit ever existing in trinity, in the great maelstrom of constant giving-receiving love – and just as I am never truly alone without you, the three in one – but yet it’s different, there is something “other” in the longing for a bride and perhaps just more tangible than you are…..

…going to go jump in the water for a bit. I’ll be back…..