Defiance

Often I figure I want kids & figure, after years or working with teens through church, etc., that I may actually know a bit of what I’m doing.

Then I spend time with actual kids & realize I have no idea.

Been hanging with the niece & seeing my bro discipline her for her acts of defiance – the little temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. And yeah, I have no idea what I’d do…. I fully realize that kids have to be trained, that kids (and adults) need to learn respect, need to learn that they can’t always get what they want, that not all choices are good or best choices (sticking your fingers in an electrical socket, not such a good choice – not that my niece is trying anything like that, it’s just an example).

But yeah, there’s a part of me that wants my kids to retain defiance. I don’t mean I want them to rebel against any authority, I want my kid(s) to be responsible & respectful & treat others with decency, respect & love. But there is an aspect where all of us as humans must have the ability, the drive, the courage to stand up for what we believe is right – even if that means being defiant.

The most valuable thing my parent’s taught me was to question; especially to question people in authority. I was raised with the value that people are just people, we all make mistakes & don’t always know what’s the right thing to do. Because of this, no one can stand up & tell us exactly what to do or how to live our lives or what to think. We have to be the ones who are responsible for our own choices, for our own thoughts & values. We have to question what we’re told. We have to search for truth & look to find out whether what the ‘experts’ tell us is real or just ‘spin’….

I value this ‘defiance’, this unwillingness to just smile & nod & accept what those in authority tell us is ‘right’. It’s gotten me into trouble. It basically got me ousted from Bible school after a month (it was my choice to leave, but this was after being told I had a ‘contentious spirit’ and was acting like I was there ‘to teach & not to learn’). It continues to get me into trouble at church a lot. And yeah, even though my parent’s instilled this value in me, it led to many years where we were at odds ‘cause I was walking a path that didn’t seem to be the one they wanted/expected for me.

The ‘defiance’ is hardest & most unappealing when following your heart means going against/hurting/causing conflict in relationships with those that you most want to please, those you wish would just be happy for you or proud of you….

I think a lot of my relationship with God is characterized by this ‘defiance’. I argue with Him a lot. I talk back a lot. I actually treat God fairly badly & without a ton of trust & respect. I’m always questioning what he has to say – mostly I want to understand, want to find the ‘whys’ of it all. Deep down I trust that He can put up with my anger or mistrust or bitterness. Deep down I trust that He is good, it’s just so hard to see some days when the circumstances of the world around us (war, disaster, famine, death, violence, disappointment, despair, injustice, etc.) seems so far from His ‘control’, His bringing good to the planet. & so I argue with him or grump with him… mostly he listens quietly & waits for me to vent it out like a spoiled child waving their fists & stamping the ground in my little temper tantrum. Then he usually waits a while & shows me stuff to sort of answer the questions – nothing that ever makes the questions go away forever, but just enough to sort of make me go, yup, you still seem to know what you’re doing….

…I like to think that He enjoys that part of our relationship – that he likes that I want to understand who he is, why he does what he does. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve had lots of people in church tell me I question too much & should just accept things on faith…. But yeah, I like the questioning. I love the story of Jacob who wrestled this loosing battle with the angel. I’m fine with being proven wrong. I’m fine with finding out I could’ve just trusted & avoided all the conflict & stress, but I long to wrestle with Him, to try to see His face in the darkness & to hear Him bless me & rename me and to explain the majesty of who He is….