Happy Birthday to Me....

The large majority of the major marker dates in the calendar (birthdays, new years, Christmas, easter, etc.) tend to be non-events in my life. For others, from what I hear, they’re time of great significance, of where there is clarity of moment, or something that marks a transition from one chapter to the next. For me, it doesn’t seem to work that way. ‘Important’ days become for me, well, pretty much another day.

Today, my 34^th birthday was much the same thing. I awoke at, oh, 5:45 AM BC time to the noise of everyone else being up ‘cause the niece is up. My watch was still on Alberta time so I figured quarter to 7 was nearly OK time to be up, but yeah, the world had shifted to BC time. An uncle phoned with news of another uncle’s health condition & wished me a happy birthday as well, which prompted the rest of my family here to wish me a happy birthday.

The rest of the day was low key. Church for 2+ hours in the AM & 1.5+ in the PM. Lunch, hanging with the niece, etc. Cake for lunch (& I suck at blowing out candles anymore). Late supper & sugar crashing after church. Followed by reading & everyone heading to bed at 9.

So yeah, I feel a bit ungrateful, but the day just didn’t feel ‘wow’ to me. Didn’t feel like much of a moment to celebrate me. Mostly here the focus is on the niece, as it should be. She’s got parent’s who love her, grandparents who adore here & an uncle (me) who’s pretty impressed by the crazy little kid. Honestly, the highlights of the day was seeing that my niece is growing in a community where she is loved deeply & to hear a guy praise my brother for how good, wise, faithful & kind a man that he is.

But yeah, there are moments where I wish I really did stuff to celebrate my life. I don’t know what they’d be – I think I keep looking for some ‘it’s a wonderful life’ moment that explains all the reasons I’m here & shows that my life has made some kind of positive impact on the planet &, more importantly, those I love around me. In reality though, I get really awkward & uncomfortable when people start to talk about me – especially when they’re saying good things about me.

I had a lovely early-birthday supper on Friday night with my wonderful friend Sharon, but even there she had to convince me (though it didn’t take much convincing) that I should let her do something nice for me instead of me trying to turn the evening into something more for her (which is what I would’ve done left to my own devices).

So yeah, kind of mopey & whiny (wingeing – love that word!) right now. Not much, but enough to be in sort of a pity-party mood. Kari’s mom used to always try to tell me I needed to do something nice for myself sometimes & I sort of never knew what to do with that. I have all my introvert stuff that I sneak off & do & that’s OK, but yeah, it’s amazing that I have trouble defining sometimes what I ‘like’…. Perhaps a lot of it stems from the reality that the deepest sense of joy I experience comes in seeing the people I love really walk into the fullness of who they are; seeing that light bulb turn on & their eyes flashing when they realize just how beautiful their life is & how amazing they are….

…and yeah, I sometimes get moments like that for myself, too…. But I think they get lost sometimes in pursuing that for others… who knows.

Anyhow, enough winge-ing for one day…. Will try to be more celebratory tomorrow.