Welcome to 2007

Well, another new years has come & I'm (again), celebrating by staying up late in my parent's basement alone & typing random stuff. Seems to be the standard new year's eve celebration for me, so yeah, guess I shouldn't break tradition, eh?

Been a decent break. Great time with niece & nephew & brothers, sister-in-law & mom & dad. Sorry to see the kids & their mom & dad leave on Friday, but yeah.... Have been up & down & randomly grumpy (along with the rest of the family) since then, but again, likely par for the course.

Still have to decide on what job I'll be moving into in the new year. Have the option of 5 different positions I could step into in the company. Have it (I think) narrowed down to 2 & keep waffling between the two. I should try to decide for Tuesday AM. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is when I'm still hoping to figure out an exit strategy to (maybe) move me out of this company into something closer to where my heart's at....

Haven't had/takend time to read or plan our life as much as I maybe should have. Only thing I've really read through is the 'V for Vendetta" graphic novel which has sort of messed with my head & left me with questions about order vs. anarchy & internal freedom vs. freedoms in society & what true liberty is (the graphic novel is a little creepier than the movie, though still much the same story). The holiday has been spent mostly hanging out with family, playing with the kids & playing games. Have spent a chunk of time painting/customizing G.I. Joe figures & have made good progress on completing a number of projects that have been on the go for a while. It's lame, but the painting/planning has been kind of fun & sort of relaxing (though spent a chunk of time today fighting with one eye trying to get it right - still not totally happy with it, but I don't care anymore). It's a creative outlet, so guess that's a good thing to feed the creative side & keep it from starving.

Not sure what the new year holds. There are changes coming in the wind. I need to spend more time with community. This past year, I've kept a really tight circle of friends - there's been like maybe 3-7 people in my 'inner circle'. It's been good & they're a good inner circle, but I'm maybe a bit too dependant on them (or maybe I just feel like I'm clingy). Anyhow, I feel like I need to open myself up to a greater community & so I'm hoping to see if the [um] (urban monastery) people will take me in & let me be a closer part of their community.

I think I'll also start volunteering again with a ministry through the church I'm at. It's serving meals to single moms & yeah, it might be a good way to break my 'fast' from 'ministry' stuff. For me, it'll be a bit like an alcoholic going back to the bar; the 'saviour complex' will try to take over again & I'll have to try to keep in in check (or ask some good friends for help to remind me who I am).

But I'm sure there is a lot more to come. I'm expectant for the year ahead, which hasn't happened in a while. Most times new years is just another day that feels the same as the last year. This year is different perhaps just that I'm determined to change the rut I'm in & the above changes are a start of hopefully more changes to come. I need to figure out the whole what makes me feel 'alive' stuff & start doing that more. Mind you I keep talking about that & not doing much about it. But maybe I just take longer than others. I went to Ireland in 1997 & thought, 'man, I need to slow my life down' & I think it took until 2002 for that to happen. Hopefully I can make changes quicker than that in the future, but at least stuff is getting changed......

Heard sermons today on Joshua 3:4 about Israel crossing Jordan & that they were supposed to follow the priests bearing the ark of the covenant (the symbol of God's presence) & keep a long distance (2000 cubits = approx. 3000 feet) away from it & God tells them to "come not near unto it [the ark], that ye may know the way by which ye must go: for ye have not passed [this] way heretofore."

Have heard this used as a new year's message before, but have never understood the space thing (i.e. stay this far away from the ark). Did a quick search in an online concordance & the only other place that "two thousand cubits" is mentioned (that I could find quickly) is in Numbers 35:5 which says that the suburbs of the towns given to the Levites (the priestly tribe) would extend 2000 cubits from the outside of the cities (this would include the cities of refuge). Not sure exactly the relevance of that (if there is any) but again, it's this idea of somehow camping out by some representative of God's presence, though still far enough away that you can't quite see it, but almost (3000 feet is like 100 football fields - somewhere around a kilometer).

Anyhow, one thing that I did think about was that all through the time from leaving Egypt until Jordan, the Israelites were led by the pillar of cloud/fire. Once they crossed Jordan, crossed into the land of 'rest' (see Hebrews 3 & 4 - which I've been thinking about lately & hoping to post something on eventually), they were no longer led by the pillar. It was more following God with a less visible presence.

If you follow this history of the Jewish people, there is a progression from infancy (God meets with Abraham & deals with him as the father of a nation; this is the place where God births the nation of Israel through Abraham, Isaac & Jacob. Throughout this time, God reveals Himself to them by the name 'God almighty'; El Shaddai, the all-sufficient God. The word Shaddai has the root 'shad' which is the hebrew word for a mother's breast. And so the metaphor, the name that God uses here is a very tender, gentle, nuturuing (feminine) imagery. A mother/parent taking care of an infant child).

Later, in Egypt, there is an adolescent phase. God introduces himself to Moses as Yahweh, Jehovah, "I AM THAT I AM" & with a mighty hand leads Israel out of Egypt & into the wilderness. This is where Israel really begins to be a nation & also is a real rebellious phase.

Jordan, could, in some senses become another place of maturing. A place of where the visible manifestation of God's presence is less obvious. Where miracles are maybe harder to come by, but are there when you least expect them. Faith starts to come into play (maybe) more because there is less 'seen' & more 'hoped for'.

In the church, there is maybe similar metaphors. When Jesus was present on earth, there are places of infancy (Jesus mentions to Peter that on this rock (the revelation that Jesus is the Christ, the son of God), Jesus will build his church) & adolesence. the ascencion of Christ (going into heaven) Pentecost maybe could parallel Jordan in that the visible presence of God (in this case Jesus) disappears & people are left to find the miraculous in the unexpected places....

But all in all, there is this progression from servanthood from sonship/daughterhood - of where things change from God making all the decisions & we just try to do exactly as He says, to sort of a more abstract thing where God says, 'you are my son/daughter who I indwell & guide. You are mature & responsible & I am teaching you to rule like me, love like me." We enter this partnership with God where He almost turns to us & says "so what do you want to do?"

It's an odd place 'cause you still want to do what God wants, but He sort of leaves the choices a bit more in your court. Ultimately there is the reality that any choice will be 'right' in the sense that God will work with it to bring good & His glory, but there is a place of where we are being trained to learned to trust the indwelling Christ - to listen to the Son that lives in us, to the Spirit of God which pumps through our veins & heart & spirit & everything... we are learning to live & act as Jesus, to allow Jesus to live His life through us, but it's just not as simple as hearing "do this" or "do that".....

...anyhow, that's where it feels like I'm at still, learning how to be a son, learning maturity & it'll be a year full of those kind of choices.

nite.