I worry about me somedays

I worry about me some days.

I've been raving lately on the blog about great & marvelous things, All wildly waving my hands & words around trying to wrap text around emotions & thoughts that seem to want to split me open with their beauty, greatness & grandness.... There have been days lately where I've felt like I'm on drugs or something... life seems so big & breathtaking & full of awe & wonder & it feels so good to just breathe.....

...and then other moments are just $@%^. I've had a week of work looking after someone else's project & have spent pretty much the entire week feeling stupid. That's mostly just being hard on myself, but after a week of answering questions with, "I don't know the answer to that. Give me a hour, a day, a few days & I'll try to find the answer for you", it sort of wears you down. I've found the answer to most of the questions & have used my judgement & have solved the problems (most of them anyhow), but you still feel sort of foolish when you're saying, "Yes, I'm in charge of this, but I'm just learning, give me a bit...."

So today I was grumpy, tired, worn, lonely & just tired of feeling dumb. I wandered around work trying not to randomly growl at people & was just thinking about the contrast between these moments, this place of unhappiness, & the stuff I've been raving about on the blog. It made me wonder if I'm full of it, if the stuff I write is just crap that I want to believe. Maybe I'm just lying to myself that I'm happy, maybe I'm really not? Maybe I'm losing my mind & the up & down is a sign of a chemical imbalance. Maybe there's something really wrong with me & the up & down of emotions is a 'defective part' somewhere... Maybe if there's nothing wrong, I'm driving myself into insanity by too much thinking & not enough sleep....

& so I worry about me. I think it's mostly that I've heard other people (family, friends) make comments about me where they are worried about me. A lot of the "maybes" above are things that people have spoken to me or hinted at. & yeah, I'm not quite confident enough in myself to be able to fully write some of this stuff off...

...but yeah, deep down, I've chosen to live life with open sails, to some moments take my hand off the wheel & let the wind guide.... some days it's the spirit, other days it feels like crosswinds trying to crash you on the reefs.... but at the root of it all, I want my life to be real, to be lived & somehow the up & down is part of it....

... one thing lately is that I've been really reluctant to go to bed. I've got no good reason for it. I'm avoiding the normal late night traps lately, so that's not keeping me up, but it's something else. At the end of the day, there is always this place where I'm looking for something. Lately it's been these quiet moments where I enjoy the peacefulness & time alone. A number of nights this week (like tonight) inspiration strikes & lots & lots & lots of words roll off the fingers onto the screen.... but yeah, something's sort of missing (maybe) & I'm not sure what.....