Anger & loss

Well, for a while there I was figuring it would be a quick post tonight. Figured I could sum up the whole day in one word:

Snarl!!

Woke up tired, dragged into work at 9 & was met by a flood of activity. I was chased off my feet & running constantly until 12:40 when I was able to call a couple of friends briefly & then back on the run until 4:30 with a tiny bit of food crammed in there.

It was a day full of dealing with twits. Kept getting last minute things from managers saying "oh, I'm supposed to put this together, but you've been doing the work, so can you put this together for me & oh, by the way it's due today or in a few hours". Then ended up in a meeting where this guy wasted 45 minutes of my life by going on & on about how this one thing was wrong & the process was wrong & this & that was wrong & needed to be fixed. After 37 minutes of presenting roadblock after roadblock & finally convincing the room to completely revamp the way something was done, he then decided that, while the new process was the 'ideal' process in his mind, that it was going to take way too much work to implement in the short timeframes we're dealing with & so we ought to just stick with the status quo.

... the funny thing was I could see this coming within the first 2 minutes of him opening his mouth. I'm looking at him thinking he's just doing this as an ego boost that he's 'fighting the man' & changing the process. So I tried to tune him out. Got a paper reviewed while he was going blah, blah, blah... but then ran out of work to do & was thinking about trying to get away to call a friend about other friends & this guy would not shut up. So I contemplated threatening him in the middle of the meeting, or challenging him to present solutions instead of problems, but figured that might look like harassment. Then I thought about catching him in the hallway after the meeting & beating the crap out of him, but figured that would also likely get me fired. Then spent the rest of the meeting contemplating the physics of picking up one of the meeting room tables & hitting him with it... Figured I could probably use my midsection to leverage the table into the air & could then get enough moment to sort of throw/drop it on him. Maybe couldn't actually use the table like a big hammer, but I could hopefully hurt him with it....

...but yeah, I restrained myself (sort of).

...I hate myself when I'm angry... Maybe I've seen the destructive effects of anger & temper & so try to lock up my anger & protect the world from my destructive tendencies... though maybe this is just as unhealthy... (hitting the dude with the table still sounds like good therapy to me). But when I get angry like I did today I just get all twisted up inside & feel like a pretty horrible person. I go really quiet & get real prickly & stiff & am really short with people. I feel justified in doing this with last-minute-task managers, but it always seems to hit a broader circle. And then I'm just awkward with friends, too 'cause they can tell I'm a wreck, but I don't want to launch into the long vent with them, but am desperate to talk to someone sane & so I just end up in this awkward place of aching to talk while being totally silent......

... I am ashamed of my anger in some ways.

So the whole day was spent feeling a tad on edge. Went to Jesus Loves You Society right after work (with a quick stop off at the comic store on the way). The anger at the outside world had basically moved inside by then & I was just mad at myself for being mad & not more 'mature' or something to be able to just brush it all off. So just busied myself with tasks at JLYS; washing dishes, busing tables, serving food. RJ & Andy caught me in the middle of rushing around & prayed for me. Part of the prayer was received, part wasn't so much. Some of the prayer got 'tai chi'ed back at them 'cause I was doing the "I'm a sucky human being 'cause I've been mad all day - I don't deserve nice prayers" thing & was all rushing off to follow 'task' instead of receive grace & love...

...but in the end, ended up being drawn away from tasks by just conversations & hanging out with people. Got to play catch/pig in the middle with Jason & Jim (two of the other volunteers) & one of the kids. She had this cool squishy spiky glowing ball thing that eventually broke & so I got to analyze how they built the electronics in it (nice simple but ingenious design)....

...it's funny how things like service & especially kids can help liberate you from your own demons & general poopie-headedness... kids are just really good people with a rich, genuine acceptance. You hang out with them & play games with them & they think you're fantastic. & yeah, I'm not sure tonight why there is a difference for me with that than the freely offered acceptance & love from RJ & Andy...

But maybe in the end it's about forgetting yourself. In playing around with the kids it was all about just being goofy & entertaining the kids & enjoying the game, the moment... and in that there's a whole lot less space to worry about evaluating whether or not I deserve to be on planet or not or whether I'm a good person with rough parts or a bad person with occasional flashes of good... in forgetting myself, it's just about being.

So yeah, feeling kind of better now. The drive home I just sort of felt the cost of the day, the sum of the losses internally.... had tears there that I'm just sort of too tired to cry.... But yeah, will try bed here shortly & call it a day. Try again tomorrow. At least I'm taking the car in tomorrow & so hopefully they can fix it & that's one less thing on my mind....