People pleasing

Realized tonight that I'm falling into the trap again of evaluating myself based on my perceptions of how people see me. Starting to ease back into community again is weird for me. I pulled away from people & community & the church, well, for many reasons, but partly it was to help get my head on straight & get me to the place of being happy being me. period. It has been a long process of learning to live with the identity of "the beloved of Christ" & realize that it doesn't matter how I'm viewed, this is an identity that (in reality) cannot be shaken... but yeah, starting to wonder if in slipping back into community, I've traded in that for the hopes that people will like me... (and they do, I'm just paranoid).

So yeah, maybe the up & down I've been feeling with my internal emptions is just readjustment of getting used to being around people again -- though I'm sure it's lots more than that. There's a sense of upheaval internally, like the continents of my soul are moving again, & I don't know what it all means or where it's going, but I feel change in me & this rather uncontrolled sense of up& down emotions (which has been worrying me a bit again), is maybe just a part of that & months from now I'll be able to look back & go, "oh yeah, that was what I was learning here, I don't understand why i didn't see that before.... ". But that little observation will be some time later...

John talks about how that anyone can say they love God, but they're liars if they say this & then don't love their brother. I think there is a reality that our spirituality is shown so much in the arena of human interaction, how we treat others. It's easy for me to hang on to my 'identity in Christ' when I'm not around other people, when I don't feel others expectations on me, or have pretty girls comment on how my collection of G.I. Joes & not-so-clean house are likely 'blocking' female relationships in my life (which they may be for all I know, but it's not the point :) )

Today was an interesting identity day: Had my performance review at work. My management used it as a time to provide 'constructive criticism' for me. Mostly it showed the lack of relationship between management & myself & I felt very much like they hadn't "seen" me in the year... I could've let the review mess me up, it was only a slightly positive review & I was sort of expecting more after the year I had last year. The review bothered me, but it was mostly just one more confirmation that I'm not made for this working world of engineering....

...then I had my chance to give a review to another employee & spent a lot of time talking with him about his core person vs. how he's perceived by what he does & how he could manage people's opinions/expecatations of him. If I was a fly on the wall listening to me talk, it would've either been a really disjointed conversation or something with a fair bit of wisdom in it... hard to say & hard to say what got across to the guy. But mostly it was advice saying that you can kill yourself for the company & maybe have people respect you more, or you can just live your life, run your own race, play your own game & let people think what they want to think.....

...and yeah, I've been worried about how others view 'my race'... & should stop that 'cause it's silly....

... so yeah, easier said here than done in the face of people, but it's something to be aware of & to work through, like everything else.

Was thinking that the next month is coming up soon & I want to make more changes in my life in Feb.... hrm, what to change?

Another interesting identity bit: Was killing time before going to my roommate Dan's birthday supper & wandering into Christian Publications down town.... (local Christian retailer) & yeah, wandered around for a tiny bit & left not that much after. On the way out, I just had the sense that there is nothing there for me anymore. I used to spend a lot of time there - haven't been there in a long time & it'll likely be longer before I'm back. Just being there made me see afresh that my tastes have changed, in music, in books, in culture. I'm wanting to escape the traps of drab & choking christian suburbia - the safety of our christian culture bubble... the stuff that really speaks to me now comes from wherever (like last night, listening to a Sufi poet) &, I'm not saying that christians don't speak to me 'cause they definitely do. It's that the mass-market Christianity, the safe & nicely packaged stuff, doesn't appeal at all to me anymore....

...anyhow, suffice it to say, this was an interesting revelation & for at least a number of minutes after this realization, I felt the fog over my head lift for a while.

blah, blah blah... that's the observations for the day.