Small Victories
Well, maybe the dance lessons are paying off. Went dancing with some friends tonight & didn't feel awkward & out of place (or, well, at least not as awkward & out of place as I normally would). It wasn't partner dancing, so the lessons weren't really fully being utilized, but I felt more free in the ability to move, to recognize that I could (most times) feel the beat & move my body to that. I didn't have a mirror to really see what I looked like, so that maybe helped. I could imagine that I didn't look too bad wiggling around.... if I had the mirror there, maybe I'd do the usual, "whoa, who's that big guy trying to look all smooth & graceful"....
...but yeah, I had fun. Normally any 'dance' experience intimidates the crap out of me & I'm petrified & frozen by my fears of inadequecy. Tonight the fears weren't so bad. Part of it was being with friends I trust, part of it was that it wasn't partner dancing so I was just looking after me instead of trying to lead someone, too. Part of it was that I'm learning to 'pretend'.... I'm learning to bypass some of my fears by pretending that I'm someone who isn't affected by those fears. It's maybe really messed up that you have to play head games with yourself to get around some of these things, but yeah, I figure whatever it takes to beat the fears at their own game is fine by me.....
....my eardrums are not so happy with me though....
...but the rest of me feels like tonight was a little tiny personal victory. (That & it was just cool to be able to watch the beauty, grace & freedom through which my friends moved (though they could've been pretending just like me... if so, they did a really good job of pretending)....
On another random note. Had a great conversation with a close friend today. Somewhere in the middle of it there was a few tears shed that I tried to wipe away quickly. The tears came 'cause there was something there in what my friend was talking about that made me think that maybe we're going to get a chance for that second renaissance after all.... I forget what it was, but it was something they said combined with the newfound hope I've been dwelling in lately that made me think that we are going to get that one last chance to blaze before the coming night.... or maybe it's the other way round, to steal one of Bruce Cockburn's phrases, we get to "kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight".....
.... again, it's looking to be a great year....
posted by Kirk Holloway | 1:05 AM
2 Comments:
Kirk, what's this but I had to read every single, "recent" post because they were all recent. And they were all great as per usual. It's a good thing too, otherwise I would have had to fire you. Just kidding. Anyway, you'd better be coming over tonight to eat cheesecake unless you're somewhere else busy making someone's life better as seems to be the frequent case, or else you're recovering from doing that by regaining your personal space. K'Naan is Canadian too - the dance teacher used a song by him on Thursday and told us about him, I'll have to borrow that one from you sometime.
Cheers for your musical prowess and appreciation and sharing, and experiments.
Crikey!! (with the best Crocodile Hunter imitation I can muster).... you deserve a medal if you read through all the recent posts. I've had brain diarrhea lately & so have been posting up a storm. (Glad I'm not fired :) )
Cooking supper for a friend tonight, so will miss out on the cheesecake (which I'd complain about, but I'm not a huge pumpkin fan at the best of times - though never tried it in cheesecake, so maybe it might be good.
& yup, will bring the Canadian K'Naan around next time I'm over at the house.
Thanks.
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