Kara

Well, I've been getting complaints (sort of) that I haven't been posting in a while. This has been true. Work has been really hectic & have been pulling work home to try to tackle it - though I tend to procrastinate a lot & not get much done (like I'm doing right now, but after 2 1/2 hours of work, I figure I've earned a bit of procrastination). That & I've had my time taken up other writing efforts (to be explained further down in the post).

Tonight while working I figured I'd throw some tunes on my new stereo. Finally splurged & bought myself an OK sound system - nothing too stellar, but a reasonably decent CD player/stereo from Wal-mart. This was my birthday present to me (maybe one of many, though I haven't gotten around to buying that much). Having the stereo is so new, that I keep forgetting that I have it & keep forgetting to actually use it to play music.

Anyhow, tonight I listen to (among other things), Andrew Osenga's "Photographs" album Track 2 is called "Kara" & goes something like this:

"Here where I live in Indiana, It's just a small town, like any other, there lived the prettiest girl around, she had blonde hair & glasses. Her name was Kara. She was a senior at the High School. I was on break from the University. Sure, I had seen her. Sure, I had known her. She was a girl then, now she was a woman.

And I was gone, gone, gone, like the apple, Adam couldn't help himself. I was gone, gone, gone, Kara, goodbye....

She worked on weekends down at the grocery, so Saturday morning I had to go shopping. We made some small talk, I tried to be funny, when she smiled with those innocent eyes, I knew she could see through me. Later that evening, we took a walk outside. The leaves were crunching, and our stars were crossing. We smiled at nothing at all, we laughed at everything, but Monday morning, classes they were starting...

And I was gone, gone, gone, like a falling star in the Indiana night. I was gone, gone, gone, Kara, goodbye....

First I came back home every chance that I could get, then things started getting a little busier, and the holidays were over. Before you knew it I took a summer job in Indianapolis, and the city draped its fog over me. I told myself I was too busy to write. Biggest mistake I ever made...

When I came home at the end of the Summer, I called up Kara & got her Mother, she said she'd left for school in North Carolina to study art & do something wonderful.

Kara, where we're from, here in Indiana, we're just a small town, like any other, and we all watched you, because we loved you. You were so beautiful. You didn't even try.

And you were gone, gone, gone, like the Autumn I fell in love, you were gone, gone, gone, Kara, goodbye.

Do something beautiful. I know you will....."

(sounds better when Andrew sings it).

Anyhow, every so often I think that I'll stop what I'm doing with my life & practice real hard & become a rock star, or some cool folk singer that shows up at coffee shops & sings songs... Quite often I think about singing "Kara" 'cause it's such a great song, though even in my imagination, I myself choking up at the 'biggest mistake I ever made' part of the song.... Mostly 'cause I choke up at about that stage everytime I listen to the song....

... maybe if I was a folk singer, that'd be cool & I'd be all 'sensitive' & 'chicks would dig me'... or maybe they wouldn't & I'd just look like some guy weeping with a guitar & never get a record deal 'cause no one really wants to listen to sad looking people (is that why mimes are always silent & have teardrops painted at the edge of their eyes?)

I like to live life with as few regrets as possible. For the most part I've done that (& feel sort of proud of that - though really I think it's just that I have low expectations of what I really want out of life.... all I really want is love & I've at least tasted a little of what that feels like).

But yeah, lately I'm feeling like I've missed a 'Kara' somewhere. I still have this not-so-fantastic self image hanging on from the crap-identity i got from my peers growing up in Junior High/High school.... As a boy grows into a man in a lot of native cultures, there is a naming ceremony where they are given a new name, one that reflects their heart & character & is both name & blessing - it points to who they are & holds the dreams of who they might become.... and for me, my 'naming ceremony' came in the halls & classrooms from the mouth of peers who (like me) were just trying to stay away from the lowest rung of the social ladder. And so I received names like 'nerd', 'geek', 'undesireable', 'uncool', 'ugly', etc. These were the 'talismans' I received for my journey. Church wasn't much better. From there I got the name of 'sinner', 'failure', 'disappointment' 'cause I didn't live up to the standard of being a flawless person....

And yeah, as I've left that world, sometimes I've been renamed - though sometimes I've gotten worse ones (like 'stalker' (not in some cool, G.I. joe code name, but in the creepy sense of the word).

But yeah, (this is rabbit trailing). I'm trying now to live with the new name of "the beloved of Christ" & that name feels better & definitely is helping (slowly) improve the self-image....

but yeah, all of this 'how I see myself' really affects how I approach women & dating & such. I approach women expecting that they will likely (maybe) be comfortable being friends with me, but it's pretty doubtful that there will be any interest more than that. It's almost a novelty to have a girl interested in me (& often it just seems that when there is interest, it seems to be from pretty damaged people (which is maybe a horrible statement to make) )

But yeah, every so often there is a sane & wonderful girl who actually looks at me like she could be interested in something more. Most times I'm clueless to this. The funny story about this was one night I was in the video store in Bowness & passed this girl along the new releases aisle. I felt compelled to smile a big smile at her (felt like she needed one or something) & so smiled as friendily as I could & then kept going, duty done. A moment later, I hear her say "have you seen this movie", & I turn around to see her pointing at the Blair Witch Project. "Nah, I can't watch scary movies, I'm too much of a pansy," I reply. To which she says, "Well, I really want to see the movie, but I don't want to see it alone."

and what do I do?

I mumble & say, "yeah, well, I hope you find someone to watch it with" & move on....

...about a minute later, my brain catches up & goes, "wait a minute, that was a pick up line !!" and I turn around to see her walking out the door....

& yeah, it seems to be the way things go. And the flip side of that is that my ability to 'pursue' a woman is a bit crippled. Normally 'cause I'm expecting someone to not like me, I don't pursue a woman romantically unless I'm semi-confident that they're kind of interested in me. What I do in the mean time is just put my 'presence' in their lives. I spend a lot of time with them, talking, getting to know them, listening, caring, treating them with an extra measure of kindness, etc.... which could be 'pursuing' but it's maybe just an more underhanded, sneaky way of trying to weasel my way into someone's life.....

...I really hated the 'stalker' name (guess it was never really said, it was just implied). Normally I try to treat women well & hate the guys who can't take 'no' for an answer & just keep bugging women after they've told them they're not interested. I'd like to think I'm not like that, but maybe I have been in some cases.... mostly it's just hanging on with the hope that something will work out - mostly it's that my heart can't let go of feelings for someone so quick....

...but yeah, "Kara" bothers me, makes me think about regrets & ask those 'what if' questions... What if I tried a bit harder, what if I was a little more bold or forthcoming. What if I didn't take 'no' for an answer & asked a few more times? Would something work out? Would some woman feel all 'pursued' & relish that idea & realize I'm this wonderful (or at least semi-wonderful) dude? or does it get me a restraining order or time behind bars?

Part of it that I'm never sure if women know what they want. Part of it is that I'm never sure if I know what I want. I sort of don't like to risk unless I know it's the 'right thing' - but I'm finding now that I'll never know if anything is the 'right thing' unless I risk...

So yeah, the 'other writing' venues. I've started attempting internet dating. I'm on christiancafe.com under prosehack892 if you get bored & want to check out my profile... A dear friend figures the profile captures 'me' pretty well... my roommate figures it's 'too honest'... one girl who e-mailed me figured I was 'too self critical'... maybe she's right (I tend to trust my friend's assessment, though).

But yeah, I started this to try to meet people, to try to take risks, to get myself out there, meet people & hang out where there isn't so much pressure & try to find someone that I could maybe think about 'pursuing'... and yeah, so far have gotten 0 (zero) e-mails from people in Calgary. A number of letters from far off people, no one that I super connect with (& definitely not enough to try to start a long distance relationship)) .... and yeah, I've had a number of times where I've started to obsess about it all - where the old names come back & I forget my new name, forget that I am loved & worthy of love, and in the forgetting I treat every lack of response as a validation of the old names....

& yeah, I try to stay sane with this. Like I try to stay sane with the ache of singleness. Mostly I kind of miss 'Kara' & think about all the 'what if's'.... could I have done something different to change the path of my life? or does God have us 'trapped' on some destiny track where the days are already written? Will we never escape the future He's written for us regardless of what we do?

I like to think that God is weaving a redemptive story into each of our lives. I like to think that somewhere along the way God writes into our lives lasting joy & love & peace & that flash of knowing who we are & why we're here.... maybe it's only for a second before we start heading into the 'bright light' & our bodies are taken by death's embrace.... but yeah, I don't know some days. I know people who would rather have no author, no script to follow, good or bad, only the story that they script themselves...and I can see the reason, the desire for that.... but yeah, maybe I just don't trust my own penmanship to be able to tell a tale that is good & ends well (or legible)....

& yeah, to the 'Kara' (s) out there, sorry i didn't try hard enough.....or that our stories weren't meant to merge together.... You were/are amazing & deserve the best & I hope you find the very best out there & do something beautiful with your life... something as beautiful & amazing as you are.... know that you are/were loved...or at least as much as I know what love is about...

Regrets kind of suck 'cause they play with your head & you have no idea if you've every done the right thing or done what you wanted... Am making mental notes to try to not neglect the "Kara"(s) that I meet in future.

DISCLAIMER: This whine was brought to you by the addled brain of kirk after too much work & not enough sleep. Please ignore, it'll all be good tomorrow...