Goodbye, Romeo & Juliet

I am always suprised how Shakespeare can still move me. I haven't read/seen that many of Shakespeare's plays, but I love the one's I've seen. It amazes me that 400 year old stories can still strike a chord deep in our souls even today & it makes me smile to think that words that someone wrote down that long ago can still mean something today.

His arguably most famous play, Romeo & Juliet, was one that I hadn't ever seen or read until only a few years back. I'd never understood it & never really wanted to see the play with such an unhappy ending. I could never figure out why it was so popular with such a tragic end, the killing of two lives needlessly when, if they'd only waited, things might have worked out....

I watched Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet a year or two back on DVD & loved it. Part of it was Clare Danes - I've been 'in love' (for lack of a better term) with her since seeing her in "My So Called Life". Mostly I love watching her eyes that seem to say more in a look than a hundred lines of dialogue. The other part was just the beauty of the story, the tension of the romance between these star crossed lovers, longing to bridge the gap between themselves to embrace that flame of passion & love that burned between them.

And, yes, the ending was sad. The scene is there in the moments between 'resurrection' & death, where they both realize the terrible mistake they've made & end up losing their lives in the process. It's sad & tragic & everything that a good Shakespearian tragedy should be.

It still makes me wonder though; what if they would've waited a few minutes more before being so rash & impetuous? What would've happened? Would their lives, their love had a chance to flourish even amidst their families hatred & 'fatal flaws'?

My twenties were a rough time in my life. I can't remember why exactly. School was hard & I never felt like I was really getting ahead in it. I'd sort of made a life for myself serving others, but sometimes that left me drained, other times full. Part of it was fears. I'd met some fantastic friends in second year university; first really close friends I'd ever had & I loved it. Over the summer I had to go away & I missed them terribly & somewhere in third year the fear of abandoment sunk in & I nearly crushed a number of the friendships by being all clingy & afraid that people were going to leave me.

Not sure where the fear of abandonment came into my life. I try to think of where it's from & nothing really stands out. Only pictures I get are of a time when I was in elementary school & it was blizzarding really bad, so bad that school closed early to get us all home before it got too nasty. My parents were away & we (my brothers & I) didn't have keys to the house & so we had to go to our grandparent's place to wait out the storm until mom & dad arrived. I don't remember much of it, but I remember taking some different coloured circular pieces from some game & making a picture of a little home & I remember the sense of longing for the safety of my own home & the fears of not seeing it again. I remember the relief of seeing my parent's car drive down my grandparent's lane. But that's about all. I can't remember what happened. My grandmother is famous for spreading fear & worry & so I'm not sure, maybe she said something that made me afraid I'd lose my parents to the blizzard. Maybe somewhere in that time that's when the fear of abandoment snuck in side & took root.

But I remember that my time in university was rough. I was unhappy & emotional. The melancholy was running high & I had a number of times thinking about committing suicide. The thoughts didn't go very far. Most of the normal means of killing myself were either unavailable or I was too chicken/unable to do them (can't cut myself & have a hard time swallowing one pill, let alone a whole bottle). So I guess it was never 'that bad' (whatever that means), but the thoughts were there. Some days were better than others. Some days the drums pounded loudly in my brain & I was afraid that I'd do something stupid.

But I didn't. I survived those years & watched my 20's turn to my 30's. I can't say I'm free of the fears & the voices of insanity. But I've learned from my 20's. I've learned most of all that nothing stays the same; that life is full of seasons & often, if you wait that extra moment, give it an extra chance, things will change. Sleep heals & things often look brighter in the daytime. No sorrow will last forever & there is always a release. You may have to remind yourself to breath somedays; may have to focus on just staying alive so that you can make it through the ache to the manageable moments to the happy ones....but there is always a release, a place of freedom, of love, of joy that you never thought could be yours. But you must have the courage to wait, the courage to risk another day, another breath.

And so I wish that you, passionate Romeo & wild, firey Juliet, would have waited that extra moment, that you'd have given life another chance. Sure there is something romantic of being 'united in death', but the real unity, the real uniting comes after years & years of shared romance as you learn both how much you know the other & are unravelled by the unfathomable mystery of their otherness.... there is a beauty & an awe of being able to stand next to someone you know so intimately & yet realize that they are still a universe of 'other'. This is a great adventure to plumb the depths of each other, to navigate every uncharted terrain of their hearts & yours as they uncover & unlock parts of you that you didn't know you had.... or had been long buried.

I don't know how bad it was, or what pushed you to the brink, but I wish you would've given it, given yourselves, another chance, another moment in the sun.... I pray that you are embraced by love, that His arms enfold you & shelter you from the hurts you faced in life. I pray that His tender embrace cradles you both & that you do find yourselves united in love, and united with Love..... but I still wish for a better ending to your tale....