Remind me again what the meek inherit?

"Mirabelle Buttersfield moved from Vermont, hoping to begin her life. And now she is stranded in the vast openness of L.A. She keeps working to make connections, but the pile of near misses is starting to overwhelm her. What Mirabelle needs is an omniscient voice to illuminate & spotlight her and to inform everyone that this one has value, this one, standing behind the counter in the glove department, and then to find her counterpart & bring him to her."
- Steve Martin, Narrator in the movie "Shop Girl"

Today has not been a good day. I awoke with the weight of singleness echoing in my head, bursting my brain like some unseen ocean depth, the open wound of longing, a great gaping hole in my chest sucking in air & pain with each breath. (OK, maybe it wasn't that bad, but it's no fun writing if you can't come up with good metaphors & a little melodrama :) )

But I felt very alone today. I felt afraid of humanity. Like no one was safe, my heart like a sparrow with no place to make it's nest, no place to find refuge from the storms within. Maybe I just cut myself off from people who listen. Maybe the people who listen are out of town or otherwise indisposed. Maybe I don't give people the chance to respond. Maybe the ones I go to for help are not always gentle... I don't know....

Mostly it was all about fighting the voices within. All the voices that wanted to volunteer reasons why I am still single. I'd recently experienced a rejection. I'd met someone, thought they were interesting & that I might have a chance of liking them if I got to know them, so I asked them if they'd like to go for coffee (probably one of the most 'normal' times I've ever asked someone - normally I sort of get to know them & then start to love from afar & then wonder if they're interested & then try to move things from friendship to romance & yeah, it's always painful & unnatural. I was sort of proud of myself that I was a 'normal' person for a change & just asked someone to go for coffee like normal people do). & yeah, she declined, suspecting the implied romantic intent & yeah, it was one of the nicest, most wonderful, most thoughtful rejections I've ever received (and I think I've had a number of them, so I can almost be considered an expert at critquing them :) sort of like the 6 times my car was broken into in Bowness, I got so I could tell an experienced theif from a non-experienced theif). But it was a wonderful rejection, the first one that made me feel good about myself even while they were saying 'no'.

And so the rejection doesn't bother me, it's more that it just leaves room for the voices to speak up again. It leaves the door open for the voices to say, aha, again you weren't 'chosen', you weren't 'wanted'. And then they start to tell me all the reasons why.

And they're never 'good' reasons like "attraction is a funny thing & you never know who you're attracted to & who you're not", "there are lots of women out there & you only want one, so you just haven't met her yet", or "ah, just give it time, you're a great guy & it'll work out eventually"... Nope, see those are the sane reasons my brain every so often raises - often in an attempt just to drown out the other voices.

Regardless of the lone logical voice, just about every moment today bore witness to the reasons why I'm single - from looks, to lifestyle, to hobbies, to my messy room, to my character, etc. All of these were somehow 'defective' or 'unmanly' or just plain 'undesirable' & yeah, I thought about packing it in. Moving away, trying to make a clean break & start fresh somewhere else. Reinvent myself somewhere where the gravity, the intertia, of my life here won't catch up. Maybe find somewhere where being cool doesn't get you anywhere, to where trendy & 'together' & 'environmentally friendly' aren't busswords or merit badges. Maybe find somewhere where people can be honest about who they are & be valued & respected for it. Maybe somewhere where people look at the uniqueness of your heart & judge you (or conversely don't judge you) on that....

...but yeah, I don't think that place exists in north america & every where else feels too far to go....

Tried to do some 'retail therapy', but it didn't help & still left me empty. Bought some CD's I've been meaning to pick up. They're still in the trunk of my car unopened (though I'll likely give them a listen while I try to clean the room tomorrow).

Tonight I started to watch 'shop Girl' & cried at the opening lines listed above. I understand the words, I live the words in many ways. Castor & Vermont sound like they have some things in common.... as do L.A. & Calgary. I'm not so sure about my 'omniscient voice'... lots of days I don't hear him speaking to me, let alone to the rest of the world... Some days his words are there, sweetly & softly like a lovers kiss & the voices melt like the morning mist.... but most days, & especially in the nights, his voice seems absent & I feel left to fend for myself....

In the middle of the movie, I heard my roommate yell out "Dude!!" & assuming he was angry at me for leaving dishes in the sink came down, only to find him saying that there was a guy across the street beating up a woman. So I hurriedly threw on shoes & walked over to where this guy was talking to 'his' wife who was sitting on the curb crying & we talked & he threatened me & said he wasn't hitting her ("he'd never hit a woman"), he was trying to control her & manhandling her. So I stood there, trying to talk to him, trying to assess & calm the situation & stay between her & him. A couple of times he stood right in my face, noses almost touching, as he threatened me & tryed to goad me into a fight. And I just stood there. I wasn't afraid I don't think.... mostly I just didn't know what to do. He wasn't trying to hit me, so I didn't need to defend myself. I wasn't sure what would happen if he did (I haven't been in a fight ('cept with my brothers, but that doesn't count) since grade 4 where I tried to scrap with Paul Stafford & got a bloody nose out of the deal & lost badly). So I didn't know what would happen if it came to that & so I wasn't sure if I wanted to start anything. Part of it was that his heart wasn't in it either & it just all seemed so pointless. He was drunk. His wife was going to some place to do drugs & he was trying to stop her. He knew what he was doing was wrong & apolgized a number of times. He said "it's none of your business" & I said, "if you're hurting her it is", to which he replies, "you're right". He said, "I wasn't hitting her I was manhandling her" & I go "you can't do that, you can't treat her that way" & he goes "you're right" and then proceeds to threaten me & talk about finding out where I live & coming back with a baseball bat.

Somewhere in the middle of this, a guy visiting one of the neighbors, some young, trendy-cool ironworker guy, comes running up & does a flying leap into this guy's chest, sending him flying to the ground. They trade some blows & walk off to talk/scrap, leaving me to talk with the woman who is feeling bad for her guy & talking about having lukemia & 2 years to life & stuff. I ask her if she has some place to go & she says yes & heads to one of the neighbors (likely the place where she's going for drugs & where her 'husband' is trying to keep her from getting to). The guy returns, continuing to talk & try to impress us all (the growing crowd) with how tough he is & how we don't want to mess with him. The males in the growing crowd (cept for me & David) start threatening the guy back & David mentions that he's called the police & they're on the way & so the guy leaves & the others decide to not start beating on this guy in case the police show & start arresting the wrong people.

The police take about 20 minutes to arrive. By this time the guy has left & we're left wondering what just happened. (apparently they asked David if weapons were involved & when he said 'no', they figured it wasn't a high priority call).

After all this, I went for a walk. More voices of condemnation to keep my company along my route. I wanted to walk to Starbucks, get a chai tea & read Shakespeare, maybe bump into my own 'shop girl' - though they all seemed too young - & none of this seemed to manly (especially when it seems like shakespeare is telling his guy friend how beautiful he is - maybe I'm missing something). I thought about the situation & how I long to be the knight in shining armour, to be strong, to be a defender of the oppressed, a 'champion' for women or the abused or whatever & here I find myself in this situation & I try to talk it out instead of using my fists. I see the sadness & longing for significance in both the 'husband' & 'wife's eyes & just think about the damage in their lives & how then need counselling & healing instead of more beatings. And my lack of violence condemns me. The guy who jumped in & started throwing punches seems more manly than I. He seems like someone that women would want... He talks later to me & David & refers to David as "my partner" & I think that maybe the neighbors talk & 'cause we're 3 guys living together & not having women over every night (& none staying the night ever (as far as I know :) )) our sexuality is in question. & yeah, somewhere along the line I was taught to respect women & that respect meant not trying to get into their pants; to try to be friends & recognize the value in a woman. Well, so far that's led to a lot of gal friends & me not getting into anyone's pants; the last two women I've been with (long times ago) having to encourage me to go farther & faster that I would've otherwise. This other guy, the rough & manly iron worker, probably doesn't have these problems. Maybe he doesn't have lots of friends, but maybe he's wanted.... some days that feels like a better trade off... (though the friends are good, too).

So I finished 'Shop Girl' when I got back. Cried a couple of more times, felt my heart break a whole bunch more. It's a good movie & a picture of the relationships in our world. Mostly it's a picture of a woman wanting to be found, wanting to be 'seen' & loved & chosen. It's about the longings that we all have & the compromises & lies & 'good-enoughs' that we take in this world where true love seems to exist only in fairy tales, where brave knights & beautiful princesses still exist. (I guess we still have lots of princesses out there, just not wearing their finest gowns, maybe they're just waiting to be revealed... maybe the only knights anymore are half-druken iron-workers who think I'm gay).

The scene that broke me most, even more than the opening, was where the other guy tells Mirabelle, "I'll protect you"... and yeah, I know, women today tell me they don't want to be protected, don't want to show that they're vulnerable... but yeah, the scene sent me into those great weeping convulsion-y things I get... partly from wanting to find someone to 'protect' (not that I'd be that great as a real protector since I don't beat people up so much), a lot from just feeling unprotected... from feeling vulnerable.... I sort of hear God's voice in the words, "I'll protect you", but I feel like the bride in Song of Songs chapter 5 after she's been beaten & left alone & left to cry out, "tell him I am sick of love", I feel like Mary in John 12 saying, "if you'd have been here, this wouldn't have happened", mostly it's the call of "where were you when I needed you?".... I guess I have abandonment issues with an always-present God.

I was listening to Nichole Nordeman's 'Brave' album on Friday. Guess I haven't listened well enough to it in the past 'cause I caught this song called "Miles" - it's only on the limited edition of the CD & I don't have it here/can't find the lyrics but it tells the story of two families, two children. One where a mother is praying that God would hear her & provide her baby a heart transplant & another mother who is praying that God would save the life of her little boy that has been in an accident & is dying. As the song goes along, the one boy dies & his heart is rushed to the other hospital where it's successfully transplanted & the other boy lives. So one person is weeping tears of joy & singing the praises of this wonderful & faithful God who answers prayer so miraculously, while somewhere else, another mother weeps in her abandonment wondering why God let her baby die, why He wasn't there for her & didn't answer her prayers.

This by itself makes me think that it sucks to be God. You're never going to make everyone happy. The last time he tried, it killed him...

And yeah, I guess my role model of 'manliness' has been Jesus. It's cheese to say it, but he's sort of been the lover that I long to emulate. I don't think he got into too many fights ('cept with the religious folk) & never got into anyone's pants... not even his own ('cause they didn't wear pants back then - ha, ha, sorry, trying to make a joke :) ) but yeah, I don't think I have the courage He does to lay down his life for someone... so yeah, I guess even that doesn't help.

Somewhere along the walk, while thinking about Jesus as a role model, I got thinking that the whole "the meek will inherit the earth" thing, just didn't seem to work. Though I'm sure someone will define meekness as some unattainable thing that no human, least of all me, ever emulates, but yeah, I just think that the whole meekness, kindness stuff doesn't seem to get you anywhere (though there are maybe at least one or two women I know that think kindness is a good thing).

But yeah, I write this all mostly to exorcise my own demons. To name the fears & bring them into the light. Somehow they shrivel & look all naked & wrinkled & silly in the light. I write this stuff for my own benefit, to release the thoughts & pressures in my head. I feel mostly good after finishing 'Shop Girl', like there is still chances for love for all of us, even me. Maybe there is a Claire Danes out there, with beautiful expressive eyes that speak more in one glance than most people do in a whole conversation (sorry, I've had a crush on Claire since I first saw her in "My So Called Life"), maybe she waits for some geeky, goofy, not-together, not-so-manly & all desireable guy who will love her & 'protect' her as best he can... who will hopefully 'see' her & stay with her & whose loyalty isn't something that's foolish or stupid, but valued & wanted. Who knows... but yeah, maybe it's just that if the world exists where Clare Danes can't find someone to lover her, well, then maybe it's just a sucky world & I'm not so bad & the voices don't have credibility. (though yeah, it's just a movie, though I do meet incredibly women who are still single - not that they want me, but yeah, they are out there).

But yeah, just so anyone out there who is still reading this knows, I'm not writing this for you. I'm writing it for me. I'll post this on the blog like I do with everything else, but this is 'mine'... it's my internal battles & how I deal with stuff. The thing I admire most about my friends is their courage to get up every morning & face their lives. I know the heartaches the people I love go through, I get to know their fears & the risks they take each day by choosing to face another day & I admire that they never turn back & just stay in bed. This is what I'm doing with this. Choosing to flush out the feelings, flush out the bad stuff & then get up the next morning & face it again, & again until maybe one day it's not as bad, or someone is there to share the battles with... If something in this 'resonate's & gives voice to your feelings, great. If it makes me look less manly, more pathetic, or you feel pity for me from this, well then phooey on you :) (sorry I'm developing paranoia - back to that not trusting people thing).

Time for bed - listening to the wind howl & shake my little house, wondering if the drunk agressive guy will come back to make good on his promises, sleeping in the bed alone, but feeling contented, feeling hopeful. Tomorrow is another blank page, waiting to be written on... maybe I'll meet my own 'shop girl', maybe the meek will inherit the earth, maybe the fairy tales will come true.... or maybe tomorrow will be another day of heartache like today... but we'll keep facing each dawn with hope. What else can you do?