The Fears that Keep Me Up at Night

I am afraid.

My body tells me I should sleep. My eyes are heavy, back is feeling worn, all of me just wants to rest, but my head & heart are still spinning; doing the same old, near nightly search for some moment of 'signifance'... or well, really, yeah, to be totally honest it's not significance specifically that I'm longing for. Mostly it's longing for some sense that I'm not alone & won't be always alone... maybe it's not even that.

Mostly it's the open wound, the longing for intimacy that won't go away, the gaping hole that longs to be filled & I run these nightly patterns trying to find something to fill that hole for whatever fleeting moment that I can. Often I don't go to sleep when my body tells me I should 'cause I don't want to lie there in the big empty bed without some placebo where I can pretend that it's not just me there alone.

Tonight, I'm not sure the placebos, the drugs, the quick-fixes of temporary 'significance' will work. Partly 'cause there's nothing out there that's exciting me (no one's blogs are new & there's no no e-mails to read, so no sense of 'connection' there. The G.I. Joe message boards are dead, no news about anything until the convention in June)... but yeah, mostly it's the fear.

I've had a good weekend, decent at least. Got some work done, got some fun in. managed to hang with friends & see some of the really important people to me & such. I've been mostly happy. Can't complain. But yeah, under the surface I've been stewing about dating again (still). Lots of questions. The constant stream of what ifs, the seeing the patterns that i run in, the unknowns of dealing with someone other than yourself, the unknowns of dealing with myself. I have the tendancy to fall hard for women who don't want me in a romantic sense. I have so many things that sort of 'disqualify' me from relationships. I'm too religious for non-christian girls & not religious enough for church women. I try to find a million excuses why it won't work out with some women & yet cling to the tiniest thread of possibility that maybe it might work out with others. & all of it is me fumbling in the dark looking for something i think I want, but not knowing the 'who' the individual that is the embodiment of those dreams....

... and with all of this floating in my head I come to a meal after church, hanging out with my roommate David & a number of his friends who meet at a local diner/coffee shop for 'church' - some less formal gathering where people can really connect & be real.... and here I listen to one of his friend's talk about his life. He's going through a seperation. He's been pushed out of his house, his wife is likely dating someone else & his two little girls miss him terribly. I don't really know this guy well, but my heart knows him. He sounds like me as I listen to him (or maybe parts that I'd like to be). He talks of missing his wife, of longing for her, of being all twisted up inside knowing that she's likely with someone else & he's trying not to let that tear him apart & trying to give her the space to figure herself out, even while it's killing him. He talks with such love about hanging out with his little girls 7 how much he loves them & aches for just a moment with them. Tonight he talked of how one of his daughters was acting up & he was trying to find the reasons why & he asked her if she was angry with her mom or dad & she said no. He then asked her if she missed him & she burst into tears & wouldn't stop crying. He said his girls used to get scared everytime he'd go to work, but each day he'd promise them that Daddy had to go away for a little bit, but Daddy will always come home. Tonight he lamented that he's not sure he can make that promise to them anymore 'cause it's partially out of his control.

(David gave the advice to this that he should sit his girls down & ask them to look him in the eye & then to ask them to close their eyes & ask if they could still see him. Then he should tell them to imagine his face while they had their eyes closed and see if they could 'see' him. Then, David said, he should tell his daughters that wherever they go, whether their dad is near or far, he always 'sees' them just like that. David said it better - it was freaking profound & beautiful... just this picture of a fierce love that will never leave or abandon).

& yeah, I can do nothing but weep uncontrollably when I listen to this guy's stories about his family. He has an amazingly beautiful heart & such a great love.

But his stories just bring me so much grief, both for him & fears for myself. He has (had) what I want, a wife & daughters that he loves deeply. This is a deep longing for me. Sons would be fantastic, but would definitely like daughter(s). & yeah, really want a wife/soul mate/best buddy/partner in crime to share my life with before we get to the kid thing...

...but it terrifies me that it can all go sour. That's what scared me with the first girl I dated. I thought that if I loved her 'right' that things would last, that it was dependant on me bringing that self-sacrificing, unconditional love, the kind that Christ shows to me (or at least a pale reflection of it). I always kind of assumed that if I really loved her, then she'd, obviously, love me back, but that wasn't the case. She was tied up with her own issues & just wasn't in the place to receive that kind of love, or to be in that serious of a relationship (& granted, in my attempts to 'love right' there was a lot of fear that I wasn't doing it right & so I probably overcompensated & smothered her, but yeah, I'll never know for sure)...

& yeah, it just scares me that even if things do work out. Even if I find someone that I love & who loves me, even if we do decide to spend the rest of our lives together, there's no guarantee that forever really means anything anymore.... & yeah, I'm pretty sure that my stupidly loyal heart wouldn't be able to let go & so if my marriage fell apart, I'd probably still be in love, still have my heart with someone else & yeah, it just hurts to think about that.... throw losing my kids into the mix of that & yeah, I don't like to think about that much pain.....

...though yeah, this is totally like me - planning out the next 30-40 years based on a moment of my life. Letting the fears drive the potential of what 'could be' instead of hoping for the best & rushing in headlong to take the risk & brave the storms.... maybe I just don't 'trust' well, maybe it's a lack of faith in God's goodness... or maybe it's just seeing reality, or maybe it's knowing full well the heart of a God who will ask you to sacrifice your only son, the one you've waited a life time for, or who will ask you to marry someone who will turn her back on you & prostitute herself to other lovers... all of this so you will understand the fellowship of the sufferings of Christ - so you will be able to share with Jesus the darkest & most painful moments of His live as He loved & lived & died for a bride who wanted to kill him rather than embrace him... I know that the road of the redemption story leads through the via dolorosa, the way of suffering, the road to the cross.... I know that while God is the keeper & guarder of my dreams, that he doesn't have to actually give anything to me.... I just don't know how the story ends....

& maybe more than anything, that's what I'm hoping for tonight, some tangible evidence that it's going to be OK. That somehow this all works out for good.

I was talking with a dear friend this weekend about marriage (forget how we got on the topic), but I'm pretty sure I mentioned how that marriage is made by waking up each morning & choosing to say 'I do' all over again, every day, constantly. This is the only way to hold a marriage (or a faith) together is to constantly choose the same person over & over again. Always choosing them, throughout the seasons of life as the one that you want, the one you can't live without.

Random song lyrics. As a guy I probably shouldn't admit that I REALLY like Jewel's lyrics. I figure this makes me less manly, but I've already flunked out of the 'manly' crowd, so whatever. It's off of her '0304' album which was good (really good when you realize about half the songs are mocking today's pop culture & the insanity we live in with our current worshipping of those in the entertainment industry):

"2 Find U" by Jewel

If I asked u a question
Would u look me in the eyes?
Has our love been built on lies?
Well, why I'm asking
U see, the time is now
2 turn our backs forever
Or work this through somehow
And I want 2 see u
I want 2 feel new again

[CHORUS]
Hey, U
Do not walk away
Let's choose love, come on
What do u say?
Hey, U
Know that I would spend
My whole life all over again
2 find U

We've layered hurt on hurt
I've seen pain cloud your eyes
But we are bruised, not broken
Like a phoenix, love will rise
And do U see me?
Do u feel new again?

[CHORUS]

Look in my eyes
Kiss my mouth hard
Let your conviction
Reassure my heart
Promise me now
I'll promise U, too
I love u