Can I get a witness?! pt.2

Random stuff from church today: Was in the middle of worship/singing this morning & contemplating God stuff/the moment, etc. & this voice speaks in my head - this being the unpredictable voice in my head that sounds like one of my many own voices, but it says things that are maybe not so expected, so I sort of attribute it to God speaking, but I could be wrong.... anyhow, the unpredictable/God voice says, "I will be your witness. I will be the one that watches your life & chronicles your every moment" - the last part was more felt than spoken. It felt like this idea of God recording my story in the halls of heaven.

& yeah, at first I started to weep with this; partly 'cause it just felt good to have someone want to witness my life & it's a huge thing for me that I would be noticed, 'seen', 'known' & the other part is that the whole statement is even more amazing with the idea that the God of the universe who wants to be the one who wants to 'witness' my life.

But after a few moments of thinking about this, my head shifts to thinking that maybe this isn't the "God" voice, maybe this is me internally trying to say nice things to myself, or to make me not feel alone.... I thought about that maybe this was me making stuff up or just plain wrong 'cause at the end of it all, everything is really about Jesus in the end; it's His story that matters & all of us are sort of the 'bit parts' in the great drama of eternity. I felt arrogant to think that my story would mean anything in heaven.....

...and I thought about how it didn't feel like enough... that there wasn't enough instantaneous feedback with having an invisible deity that you can't hear other than via unpredictable, not-so-trusted voices in your head that sound like you. I thought about how I needed someone human, someone with flesh that could witness my life & I hers (& I thought this was maybe a good 'biblical' view 'cause Adam gets created & is in perfect relationship with God & still feels lonely/alone until God makes him Eve)....

But, all of this kind of killed off the unpredictable voice & it felt like the 'connection' I was having in that moment with something beyond me got kind of shut down for a bit. Wasn't sure if I offended the unpredictable voice by almost turning down it's/His offer to 'witness' my life.....

.... later in the morning though, I kept thinking about the main metaphor though which I view/interpret my Christianity/relationship with God; that Jesus is the groom & humanity (i.e. the collection of all of us) is His bride.... and so maybe it's not so far fetched to believe that He would want to be my 'witness'; that I could be cherished, loved, valued enough by Him that he would care to watch the good, bad, terrible & mundane things in my life.....

...and yeah, the lessons God's brought over the last 5 years in teaching me to receive love has been to rework my identity. For years, I've continued to place my value to people/God on what I can do & it's led to really screwed up relationships where I under value me & figure that my friends keep me around 'cause I am somehow 'useful' to them. But God took a several year process of stripping away all that made me 'valuable' (i.e. all the stuff I could 'do') so that He could show me I am loved for just simply being wonky old me.... & this has been the greatest gift.

So for me, if people ask what's my identity, really all I can say is that "I am the beloved of Christ" - which makes me special, though it doesn't make me more special than anyone else 'cause everyone is technically the beloved of Christ, but it still feels good to be His beloved period. But, this is really the only identity I feel safe in right now 'cause every other identity starts to twist me away from accepting myself & brings me into trying to contort into some impossible image of what I think others would want me to be, or what I think I need to do to measure up to to quell the voices of 'not enough'....

& that was the identity, the beloved of Christ, that got lost this past week which was a big part of why last week was so bad. I lost the reality that I am loved by God & others for just being myself - not anyone else. & hence it's why the idea of Him being my 'witness' is so healing.....