Small Defeats: Ringing Ears/Broken Pots

Today's been an odd, odd day. Good day I think, just an odd day for the internals & leaves me unsure what to think.

My ears have been ringing most of the day. Now at 10 o'clock at night they're only ringing a little. This meant spending the day is sort of a fog where I was hearing things fine, but felt like I was walking around in a bucket & missing somehow part of the sounds around me. It also seemed to affect equilibrium & I was just tired & dragging myself around....

I spent a lot of time worrying about the ears. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac at the best of times, so I worry about anything that goes wrong physically. I'd watched "Children of Men" on Friday with a friend & there's a bomb blast in the movie & then this ringing in the sound-system that echoes the ringing in the guy's ears. His wife tells him that the ringing is the sound of a bunch of hearing cells dying, never to be restored... & so this thought has stuck with me a lot today.

I've spent chunks of time thinking about what it would be like to lose hearing, about all the sounds that I missed. Got me thinking about the sounds of the voices of friends, laughter, all the music that is out there, stuff that I've heard & love, stuff that is yet to be written, both by friends & strangers... it'll be hard to catch the full effect of Renaissance II if I can't hear any of it.... I'd miss hearing my niece & nephew, hearing my future wife (if such a one exists) say 'I do' & every other sound she might make... I'd miss hearing my own kids voices, reading stories to them....

... this got me thinking about death in general. Fear's of a bum-ticker & a limited warranty/life-span on my 'chassis'. I had some weird experience driving yesterday where traffic slowed & I hit the brakes & nothing happened. It was some sheet of ice & i skidded for quite a ways, feeling very out of control, but oddly calm, before coming to a stop. It was some slow motion strangeness where I really don't know what happened. Somehow nothing happened, but it sort of freaked me out. I didn't expect to die, but it made me realize again how easily it could happen & all the stuff I want to do before I go would be left undone...

I've been thinking about what it would mean to lose the ability to hear one frequency, one note... how would that impact my ability to soak in the full texture of music. My hearing isn't that good at the best of times & I never buy a high enough sound system to truly hear the full effects of music (digital or otherwise), so I'm probably missing a lot every day.... but I was wondering how much it would change things to even miss the tiniest bit of sound....

I broke my tan\gine tonight. A very good friend bought me a tagine (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tagine) for Christmas to cook Moroccan food in. They cook 'tagines' (stews) in this dish, the dish apparently rests on a fire & they conical top keeps the heat & flavours in & they slow roast the food in there. I did some reading on the internet & they said tagines were to be used on a stovetop, maybe not in an oven (though maybe wikipedia says different). Anyhow, I started it on the stovetop, heating the meat in it. Then I needed to add some liquid & (from past bad experiences) knew the water couldn't be cold, so I made sure it was hot-ish, but obviously not enough. I poured the water in & nearly immediately heard this big 'crack crack crack' & the dish cracked badly in three places, leaking all the water out, destroying the dish.....

... I was so mad at myself. Copious amounts of swearing followed, And I hit the hood over top of my stove in anger. Then after realizing I'd put a big dent in the hood with my childish fits of rage, I was even more mad at myself & swore some more, but decided not to hit anything else....

... So got all choked on the rage & sadness for a while. I've broken dishes like this before & thought I'd do better this time. I thought I'd researched it, but not enough... I felt bad for wrecking a gift from a good friend & destroying something that has sentimental value. I was overwhemed with disappointment at this & blamed myself. I was angry/upset because I was angry & upset. Mad at myself that I wasn't handling this better & yeah....

...one big mess....

...salvaged a meal out of it. Had a very good time chatting with my friend. The evening was in general a happy one once I got (sort of) over my fit... My friend left around 10 & now I've been sitting here in the now peaceful house & sort of reflecting on the day that was. I feel drained... anger takes a lot out of me & I sort of don't like that side of me. There's a reality of where anger is soooo needed in our lives. There are times where we as humans need to fight for stuff, mostly to fight for people & it's a necessary emotion of being human. But I'm just not so sure I like how my anger is expressed - it's the fast flare of rage that leaves me lashing out stupidly for a bit & then I calm down, or I just internalize it, turn the anger inward instead of outward. Maybe the slow burn anger is better ( & maybe a slower burn would've helped my tagine survive)... but I don't know...

...I worry somewhat about the anger thing with relationships. I haven't had a really good row with anyone lately. Some flare ups with the roomies, but they've been minimal. Mostly I smoulder around them if I'm angry. If I get married, I'll 'want' to fight with my wife. Not that it's something I'll look for, but I'll want to be able to have each of us confront each other's pride. I'll want her to put me in my place when I need to be. I'll want to be able to assert myself. To say what I really think or feel, even if it makes her upset. I don't want to be a guy that just bends to her will. I did that with the first girlfriend - losing myself for the sake of 'maintaining the relationship' - though really I didn't lose myself. I just held back 'me' for the times when we weren't hanging out. & I fear that I do that now every so often.... I'm much better with it, but it happens once in a while & I don't like it. A good relationship should allow for total honesty. Disagreements & conflict are part of life & are so necessary to building healthy relationships &, especially, a healthy marriage. I want to show my wife 'me' completely. & I want to see her compeletely. We can then work out the parts where we clash with each other through communciation....

..but yeah, I wonder about that & 'hypochondriac' with that, too. I feel afraid some moments that I will suck at that, but I guess if I look at my more recent friendships, I've gotten used to going through conflict with friends. I just sort of feel like I'm 'no good' because the conflicts usually don't get brought up & resolved in the moment. Usually it's blow up, talk about it, make things worse, but sort of hear each other, then later sort of figure out what it all really meant after tempers have cooled & calmer hearts have taken over....

... but yeah, it's harder. When the fire of rage blazes for that one moment of total rage, how do you control is so it doesn't spill onto those you love? & how do you let the anger out so you don't withdraw from those you love & hide yourself?.... guess it gets worked out in the moments of relationship... maybe I react differently when there's no one in the house to hear my cursing & only inanimate objects around to take my abuse....

... but yeah, it's this kind of stuff that makes me feel all ugly inside.

I'm suppossed to share my 'life story' with the urban monastery/community house folks tomorrow night. I was happy about this. Right now I'm sort of thinking about crawling under a rock & hiding. Guess anger is part of my story... & hence gets to be told...

but yeah, a very emptying day following a good day of rich conversations & 'small victories'...