Martha & Mary

Cooking for me is another of those creative outlets. It's perhaps more constrained than painting & writing. In writing especially, I continue to 'prose hack' things - keep spilling out words until it says something relevant (hopefully). With cooking you can't quite do this. There is a certain element where if you deviate too far from the recipe things don't turn out. It's not as restrictive as baking, but not as free form as prose...

I love to cook, but don't do it enough. For myself, most of my eating comes down to survival. Keeping something in the tummy to fill the hole & keep the engine going. Occasionally I cook for myself & then usually cook in big enough portions that I can coast on leftovers for a while. I like to cook for others, but this likewise doesn't happen much 'cause I turn cooking for others into a big production, which I can only do once in a while. (the only exception to this is maybe with my friend Sharon - we get together for meals often enough that I'm a bit more casual in cooking for her - though it was her I was cooking the Moroccan food for when I broke the pot & was all disappointed with breaking the pot & that supper didn't turn out as planned..)

Today I set out to cook for the community house. When I first told everyone that I was wanting to join up with their 'merry band' (robin hood allusion there in case you missed it), I mentioned that I'd like to cook them an east Indian feast. & today was the day.

On the menu tonight:

Appetizers
Samosas (meat & vegetarian - bought - no way i had time to fiddle with making samosas)

Main Course:
Spinach Dhal (Lentil stew/soup)
Chicken Tikka Masala (Butter Chicken)
Beef Kofta Curry (spiced meatballs in a tomato based sauce)
Chickpea Curry
Coconut Rice
Naan bread (again bought)

Beverages
Mango punch, red & white wines

Desert:
Rhubarb/Saskatoon crisp, Rhubarb/Raspberry crisp, & ice cream

So yeah, coming into days like today I sort of think it's a great idea to go to all these great lengths to cook stuff & then at the end of the day (or actually more in the middle of it) I go, what am I thinking?

But yeah, this whole thing was one big ritual for me... it was oddly spiritual in it's own sense. It's this odd place where you get it stuck in your head that this act of service is an expression of love for people & so everything done takes on this element of ceremony. In some ways you feel like this priest offering incense through every action... every stir of pot, adding of spices, mixing ingredients, measuring, cutting, all of it is somehow more than the action - each thing is somehow done for someone else, an expression of value, tenderness, kindness, love.... everything expressing that someone ( or in this case a lot of someones) was worth going to this trouble for....

& the day took on an even greater ritual/spiritual flavour from being able to listen to a number of new CD's as the day went along.

And so the process went something like this:
- Friday night made the marinade for the chicken tikka while on the phone with my brother
- this morning in between watching cartoons, but the chicken in the oven to cook
- Cleaned up the kitchen area & recycling pile to the sounds of Doyle Bramhall II's "JellyCream" wailing 70's guitars & apparently one of Eric Clapton's favorite albums
- sweeping/mopping the kitchen, dining room & foyer and mixing juice to the sounds of Calexico's "Feast of Wine", a mix of hispanic sounds & strings & includes the very lovely jazz piece that starts the "Before the Music Dies" Video....
- made the two crisps & the beef kofta while listening to Niyaz's eastern flavoured sounds and the more western, but equally exotic sounds of Erykah Badu's "mama's gun"
- began preparing the Spinach Dhal & cooking the actual chicken Tikka masala to the interesting & ecclectic sounds of Chad VanGaalen's "Skelliconnection" & the haunting melodies & storytelling of Joni Mitchell's "Turbulent Indigo"....

Part way through Joni's album people started arriving early & I started to stress a bit about it all. Part of the cooking experience, as ritual, is about me doing it alone. Part of it is warped pride stuff to try to challenge myself with a big job & try to make sure it all falls into place. For a bit there I wasn't sure if the food would be done soon enough for everyone & then wasn't sure if the food would get cold before the last few people arrived... but all in all it worked fine (cooked the chickpea stuff & the coconut rice in the time between first arrivals & last arrivals).

All in all the meal was a raging success. Pretty much everyone had to lie down for a while after eating too much, so this is a good sign....

Funny observations for me: Got called a martha tonight.... everyone was seated, or arriving & I was still bustling around trying to get the last few items in place & make sure everyone had everything before I felt comfortable in resting myself. People were well into their meals before I got my food, then pretty much finished by the time I started eating. Part of it was me introducing RJ's boy Connor to my G.I. joes & sort of sharing those brief moments of limited attention span with someone who appreciates the random toy collection...

But yeah, the martha comment: I fall into this role of uber-host whenever I have people over. It is so much about making sure that everything is just 'so' for them. I go to great lengths to try to ensure that everything is provided at the table for them, try to honor the guests & treat them like royalty (which in some ways they are, but that's for another blog entry). But in all of the flurry of activity, I likely end up withholding one thing my guests value highly - me & my presence....

Tonight, after everyone was gone & I stared at the collection of leftovers & dirty dishes (everyone offered to help clean, but I shooed them away, partly to be nice, partly 'cause I needed to figure out how to store the leftovers & how I was going to distribute/use the leftovers, partly 'cause the cleaning up process is as much part of the ritual as is the preparing - though not nearly as much fun), I felt twinges of sadness, loneliness, something. Ended up processing a lot of thoughts on Martha & Mary. These two sisters are foils for so many comparisons. When I gradauted from engineering, we heard some smug poem about how Mary's are the artists, religious, social people & their lives are great, but they couldn't survive without the Martha's, the engineers, doing all the practical stuff for them. We compare these two sisters everywhere. Martha is the one who served. Mary is the one who sat at Jesus's feet & listened to His stories. (see the end of Luke chapter 10) When Martha complains that Mary isn't helping, Jesus tells Martha that Mary's chosen the better part.... and so for centuries now we compare these two sisters with ourselves, trying to distinguish between the acts of service & the acts of reverence & worship.... We place Mary's on pedestals & Martha's get shunned like the ugly step-sister.... though secretly most people in the church curse Mary & wish that God liked Martha's better 'cause we're all better at the doing than the listening....

And so often we miss the points of it all. Jesus is the one who knows our hearts, knows the intents... He is the one who has given us love languages, these different means by which we show our affection. For some acts of service (doing nice things for others) is the greatest & clearest way that they give/receive love. For others (like me) it's time - large quantities of time spent...

In trying to summon the energy to clean tonight, thought about how Martha's life must be a lonely one at times. She blazes away in the kitchen day after day, trying to feed those she loves. It's what she does, it's her heart... but are these things really noticed? Do those around her see what each sandwich, each bowl of soup, each crust of bread has really cost her? Do they see that every bite has been laboured over with love & her heart will leap at the sound of her guest's compliments on her wonderful cooking & her heart will be crushed if they, for whatever reason, don't like the food....

..at the end of the day, the question is, do our works really validate us? Tonight there were 11 or so people at table with me. Pick any 11 people on the planet & see if they agree on anything. Thankfully for me, I figure all 11/11 liked the food & so I think I was lucky, but really, what are the odds of that. If my worth rests in whether everyone likes what I cook or not, well, then my worth is in this fragile place.... Maybe this is what Jesus was really talking about when He told Martha that Mary had chosen what is better. "Come away", Jesus may have been saying to Martha, "sit with me a while & let me remind you that you are loved not because of what you do, but because of who you are."

& yeah, kind of worked myself into a funk with these thoughts..... Andrea, as she was leaving, commented, "Well, Kirk, you've really outdone yourself". To which I replied with the super intelligent response of "Yep"... see, I didn't realize at the time this was intended as a compliment that I should say 'thanks' to. Instead I responded a tad more selfishly, Andrea being one of those close friends that I'm more honest with. My "Yep" was my way of venting out that "Yep, today was a really long day of working & I've probably worked over the top for this & am now really spent".....

.... so in the middle of self-recrimination & apparent loneliness, feeling like I'd abandoned friendships & the truly rich part of the evening (conversations with friends) for the quick fix drug of hoping to gain acceptance & value in other's praises & being the attention whore of asking "did you like it?", "It wasn't too spicy was it?", "Are you sure it was good?", "Do you want some more?".... in the middle of this, I sighed & chose to again begin the ritual, to take the better part of valour, let the dishwasher run a load, leave the rest of the mess for morning & just get the food into containers & into the fridge.... start the slow cleanup process & put on some music to accompany the process.

I put in Joni's album again since our conversation was interrupted last time.... My friend Andrea introduced me to Joni. The more I listen to Joni, the more I understand why Andrea loves her music & feels a kinship with this fellow woman, musician, artist, liver of life & student of love... Joni speaks in stories both with word & note, so much of the weight of the song rests in both the spoken word & the whole sound/tone of it all...

...and somewhere in the ritual things started to make sense again... I wasn't really so lonely, just tired. The excitement of the challenge of accomplishing a big feast, of whether or not the dishes would turn out or be on time or whether I'd manage my schedule right, etc. all of this brought a certain level of stress/anticipation/excitement & the time after the meal is the lull, the wash, the empty place where whatever internal chemicals were released to push you to acheive are now dying down & all that's left is the aftermath in your soul & body of having acheived.... Sometime there is an energy in this 'wash' cycle... a place where you feel like you've accomplished things, a place where, like Jesus in John 4: 32-34, you feel energized from it all; full with the reality of grace that has gone out. Other times, like for me tonight, you just feel spent... like virtue has gone from you, like you've poured your heart & soul into something & now it's just done & tomorrow you may feel proud about it, but today you just feel glad to have gotten through it...

... I remember somewhere there is a picture, a painting, that I've seen of Mary washing Jesus's feet with tears & perfume (see John chapter 12) & it has Martha standing behind her sister, holding a tray of food & absolutely beaming.... the painter tries to convey that Martha learned her lessons from Luke 10 & John 11 (watching her brother raised from the dead). She learned that love is not about competition, that love is not about what you get in return, but that love is in the giving.... and this giving is in whatever unique way that you pour out your heart in adoration for the beloved... For Mary, her worship was perfume & tears, time & a listening heart. For Mary you see her devotion to Jesus in the time spent with him, the ways she talks to him, the way she aches for his presence, longs to hear His voice one more time.... and most of these are done in silence, hidden things that no one sees other than Jesus (& occasionally by a sister that wishes she wouldn't be so lazy)... there is one grand gesture of the perfume & tears, but this is again, just one more expression of love that is perhaps a summary of all the other moments of love. For Martha, her worship is food brought to Jesus, making sure his time at table is rich & full & wonderful & filled with delicious food & a relaxed atmosphere that sets everyone at ease & gives Jesus the freedom to speak the brilliant things He does while He's sharing meals with people....

Love is like incense... the priests of old would start the censers (shallow brass bowls to hold coals/embers & incense in) burning & the smoke of incense would rise to the heavens, but they never really new whether or not God actually received that. Did the beloved smell their offerings? Did He care? Could he even smell things? None of these were ever proven. With love, does the beloved really realize what is given to them, what is poured out in each moment, each action, each word, each touch, each gift.... I've got to admit I'm dense when people try to show me love. I'm so oblivious, or really twisted up in side, that I usually make it really hard on the people who try to love me (or at least that's what I think some days)... but in the end, it is the action of love that is what matters.... Love only exists in being given/shown to someone. When we love hoping to receive, it kind of dampens the full effect of the giving & cheapens what we're trying to do. Not that pretty much everything we do as humans isn't somehow motivated a bit by self-love, or at least it's really hard to distinguish some days between loving others in hopes that this will make us feel good about ourselves or we'll be loved back and between loving simply because you so long to show love to the beloved... but yeah, there is a richness in giving simply for loves sake....

...anyhow, this has been disjointed & I'm not sure where I wanted this to go (or if it went anywhere), but I'd better fall asleep here soon... still have things to clean tomorrow :)