Tracing the threads of Kingship

Decemberish 2003: It is the year after my sabbath year. I've started work at GD. Started going to Epic/Converge. I've been through my first two 24-7 prayer rooms. The first brought life & new friendships & excitement & hope & shared dreams & a sense of wonder that anything could happen. The second, I allowed my pride & false identity to burn me out. God spoke to me of rest, I didn't listen & lost.... lost hope, lost dreams, lost passion, lost the sense that people were there for me/with me & I felt pretty desolate after that.

In December, on some chilly winter night, was at the Sunridge spectrum with a number of friends to watch "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King". About half way through the movie, Elrond comes to Aragorn to present him with Anduril, Flame of the West, re-forged from the shards of Narsil, his father (or forefather)'s sword... & in that moment, Elrond says to Aragorn: "Leave the ranger behind, become who you were born to be".....

...and this one line strikes me with the impact of a freight train & I realize, or feel, that it's a message from my Father to me to call me away from my ranger lifestyle - being on my own, trying to serve others, look out for others, fight for others, but all on a very limited, hit & run, very alone basis - and move into walking out my calling as a priest-King, as one of the sons of God.... This calling would mean walking in community, exercising authority, believing that I have this authority, walking as a king instead of someone hidden always in the periphery.....

...and so this excites me. I am commissioned. I have a new calling, new perspective. I go out the next day to a local sword shop & buy 'Narsil' - they haven't released Andurils yet for mass public distribution, so this is the closest i can get in that moment to having the sword that helps seal this message of kingship.... & I show off the sword a lot to people, tell them about what I 'heard' & about how this is going to change me, etc......

March 25, 2005: It's the day before my birthday. I am awakened by a dream that feels significant. In the dream, I am walking around what feels like the park at the entrance to Bowness by the John Hextall bridge (forget the name - there's a swimming pool there). I pass by the bridge to go down to the footpath that runs under the road. While walking under this road, I'm 'assaulted' by some black haired kid/ageless being wearing a white robe (now that I think about it, he looks kind of like the Jesus figure in the movie 'The Messenger' (which was a very faith affirming movie for me, unlike for most people) 'cept much happier). & this kid - he looks like he's 10-12, but I get this sense that he's somehow old & young & just without age - is full of joy & life & he has some plastic tube lightsaber type thing & suddenly I have one & the kid/ageless being basically 'sword fights' with me using these plastic tubes all the way under the bridge & up to the surface again (where the scene seems to shift to what feels like some of the concrete plant pots beside the Kensington Safeway. And I'm partially annoyed by this kid 'cause he won't leave me alone & I have to work really hard at the sword fighting to keep up with his play & 'defend' myself, but it's hard to be mad at the kid when it's obvious how much he's enjoying himself. Anyhow, we get to the top & I sit there resting trying to catch my breath & the kid/ageless being, now perched on top of one of the concrete things, asks me (hrm, forget this part exactly, but I think this is right), "Does your sword have a name?" & I pause for a while thinking & then say, "I have a sword at home named Narsil"....another long pause.... "it's the sword of the king".... and at this point in the dream, I burst into tears, big huge sobs wracking my body, my emotions torn between a release & the shame of how I felt that I haven't grown into kingship over the last number of years.

Jan 27th, 2007 at the community house: I'm sitting in a room full of people. The 9 from the [um] (Urban Monastery - 10 if I count me), Paul & Corey & kids, Phil & Steph, and I'm overwhelmed by a bunch of kingship imagery. I'm suddenly seeing, no, rather, feeling the spheres of influence carried by each of the people in the room & sensing that I am in a room with mighty queens & kings, rulers over art, business, peoples, nations, etc. etc.... In the middle of all of this, my heart starts pounding like it's going to jump out of it's chest & I feel we're to pray for Andy & crown him 'Arthur' - a leader among equals, a king among queens & kings & this imagery is confirmed by RJ who has the same thoughts/visions. In the middle of this, my kingship thoughts come up & thoughts of 'adoption' & I tell the group that I need their 'adoption' of me 'cause without it, I may not enter into the full release of my kingship/authority (again, I've been feeling that the ranger/king - alone/community contrast is there & I've felt in the past that part of what's standing in the way of my 'release' is maybe my lack of community)

& yeah, now I'm just not sure. I am sorting through the 'authority' stuff. The imagery/lessons are coming up over & over again in both my life & the lives of my friends. I see us stepping into this place of recognizing truly who we are & living out of that & recognizing that we are sons & daughters of God, joint heirs with Christ & that somehow (& yeah, I know this sounds like i'm on crack), the wealth of who Jesus is at our command... we have no idea who we really are & the true extent of the authority we walk in as priest-queens/kings....

& yeah, so that's what I'm trying to sort out lately. Even more than figuring out what I'm doing with my life, I'm trying to sort out the deeper questions - who am I? Do I live out of the core of who I am? Do I believe that there is greatness, goodness, love, strength, authority, wisdom, courage, nobility, etc. at the core of who I am? Do I believe truly that Christ indwells me, that He in me is the hope of glory & that His life flows through me & floods every cell & vein & synapse.... ?

I think perhaps the answers to this will ripple through the rest of my life & as each of us steps from behind our shadows, our own masks that hide our true 'glory', we will see our lives & the world around us transformed.... but part of this will not happen if we refuse to shine, refuse to be seen, refuse to believe the truth of who we are....

...and yeah, guess that's the hard part. Not so sure than any of us really 'sees' each other (& especially not ourselves) as we really are. The lies are always easier to believe than the truth it seems.....

...but the tectonic plates in me are shifting, the continents of my heart are moving, rumbling, some parts being crushed & burned in molten fire, other parts being reborn in flame & light... new things are coming....