Songs that make me cry lately

An old Hasidic rabbi, Levi Yitzhak of Berdichev in the Ukraine, used to say that he discovered the meaning of love from a drunken peasant. The rabbi was visiting the owner of a tavern in the Polish countryside. As he walked in, he saw two peasants at a table. Both were gloriously in their cups. Arms around each other, they were protesting how much each loved the other. Suddenly Ivan said to Peter, "Peter, tell me what hurts me." Bleary eyed, Peter looked at Ivan. "How do I know what hurts you?" Ivan's answer was swift: "If you don't know what hurts me, how can you say you love me?"

- from Brennan Manning's "Reflections for Ragamuffins, March 7 passage

I've always liked this story. It rings true. There are so many levels of friendship/intimacy/love. Every human is like an onion - which is always a stinky metaphor (get it? stinky...er, yeah..uhm) - nobody likes being called an onion, but it's one of the few things with layers... maybe roses have layers, too, but once you pull away all the petals, there's really nothing there - mind you this is true of onions, too....

...anyhow, the whole point is that when we first meet someone, all they see is (unless we're having a really odd day) the surface streets - we talk about the weather, sports scores, other totally benign topics... as we move from strangers to acquaintances to friends to best-buddies, we reveal more & more of who we are at our very core, we become, in some ways, more & more naked with the people we're close to (which may fit with the onion/rose metaphor)... we grow into having less & less secrets, barriers, blocks in place to protect the core of who we are from the prying eyes of those around us. & yeah, it's a bit of a cold world & so all the security measures of protecting our hearts are maybe necessary in lots of ways....

.... I think the story about the two peasants sort of highlights something. Often we think that we hide the very best for only those who we are closest with, that single gem that really captures the true beauty, the true essence of who we are.... but maybe this is not so true. I find that maybe in my life & in others, there is a tendency to be in such a rush to grow into true friendship/relationship that we maybe give away the core of us too quickly into the hands of those that maybe don't care as much as we figure... I've got lots of gal friends & have watched them give their hearts away to twit guys & it's admirable of the gals that they believe & trust in people & the possibility of love. & hence this is maybe one of the reasons I'm so hard on guys is 'cause I've watched too many dumbbells just not treat these friend's heart with the reverence they deserved.... (though I suppose I've probably done my share of not being as careful with hearts as I should)... I've been lucky in some ways... the gals I've fallen for have been semi-gentle, or maybe it's just that my core is either stronger than I figure, or it's been beaten up enough times that I don't notice another bump....

...anyhow, coming back off that rabbit trail, (Neil Young's "Only Love can break your heart" is playing in the background). There is a reality that perhaps the last things we show to those around us are the weak places, the things that hurt us.... We are slow to share our fears, our sins, our weaknesses. We desperately want to be loved & we fear that if others see the weak/twisted places that that'll prevent people from loving us. Mostly we're afraid that we're unlovable & we try to hide this fear from everyone else (who are also dealing with the same fear). We keep our armour up to protect ourselves & it's very few people to whom we share the chinks in our armour, the weak places where we are vulnerable. We don't really share the things that hurt us, except with those we trust will not exploit those weaknesses, & this is maybe one of the many reasons why, when a relationship breaks down, there is so much pain involved.... suddenly the person that you felt most safe with, that you've given the keys to your castle, now can use all of those secrets to hurt you...

But yeah, the above has sort of nothing to do with the rest of this post. There have been a number of times listening to tunes at work where specific songs have reduced me to sobs.... and I sort of wanted to capture them here in a 'these are the songs that make me cry' post. Mostly for my own benefit, something to maybe help me chart patterns in my own life. Sometimes we are most blind to our own hearts & so this is my way of exploring a bit more of me.... It's funny with some of the tunes. They'll reduce me to a total mess one day & then I'll hear them later & they won't affect me... so yeah, not sure what all's going on.

Anyhow. Tunes that have been making me cry lately:

1) Joni Mitchell's "Come in from the Cold" - lyrics are captured a number of posts below (back in Dec I think, maybe Nov). The song is a lament/breath of hope (seeing as how Joni's music & emotions are never fully one thing). It whispers to me of generations upon generations of men & women who have been longing to find Eden again, to move back to that place of relationship & we all end up have to walk through the games & unknowns & challenges of overcoming the death of relationship & communication that the original sin brought... it makes me weep & long for my own relationships (or longing for one), but also very much for the planet....

2) Skillet's "Better than Drugs" - see a few posts below for explanation

3) Jewel Kilcher - "Hands"

"If I could tell the world just one thing / It would be that we're all OK / And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful / And useless in times like these / I won't be made useless / I won't be idle with despair / I will gather myself around my faith / For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know / But they're not yours, they are my own / But they're not yours, they are my own / And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes / It didn't steal your laughter / And heartache came to visit me / But I knew it wasn't ever after / We'll fight, not out of spite / For someone must stand up for what's right / 'Cause where there's a man who has no voice / There ours shall go singing

My hands are small, I know / But they're not yours, they are my own / But they're not yours, they are my own / And I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters / I will get down on my knees, and I will pray / We are never broken / We are God's eyes / God's hands / God's mind / God's heart / We are God's hands"

If I'm hoping to be thought a connoisseur of great music, maybe admitting that I really enjoy Jewel's music is shooting myself in the foot, but yeah, I like it & at the end of the day my only claim to audio snobbery will be that I like what I like. Jewel's spirituality interests me & I'm never quite sure where she's coming from. She's a searching heart & someone who is actually honest (as much as any of us are I suppose)...

But I love the imagery in this song... the idea of each of our fragile feeble little hands, hands without that much strength to really change things in this cold world, but they're our hands, my hands - hands that cannot be owned or bought by anyone & we have the freedom to give love with these hands & yeah, I love the picture that we as humanity cannot be broken. The hands of individuals are greater than governments & any policy they can provide.... we look so often to the government to fix the social injustices around us, when the reality is that what is needed is our hands, our little unbroken hands, to simply love & give & serve - to extend even a cup of cold water.... it's the touch of love & relationship that really changes things in this world....

And I love the picture of singing for those without a voice. This spot, more than anything else in the song, reduces me to weeping. David Ruis has a similar idea in his Cry Mercy CD, but it's one that sticks with me. This is the true heart of intercession & is at the heart of every justice/mercy ministry. Those that have give to those who don't. We stand in the gap for people who are unable to defend & protect themselves & we advocate for them. We bang on the doors of heaven or city hall, we plead with God & man to set at liberty strangers that we choose to see as brother, sister, mother, father, friend... this is ultimately what Jesus did - gave us his life when we were squandering ours on self-destruction...

4) Skillet: "Looking for Angels" by John L. Cooper

"Going through this life looking for angels / People passing by looking for angels

Walk this world alone / Try to stay on my feet / Sometimes crawl, fall, / but I stand up / cause I'm afraid to sleep / Open my eyes to a new day, / with all new problems and all new pain / All the faces are filled with so much anger / Losing our dignity and hope from fear of danger / After all the wars, / after settling the scores, / at the break of dawn we will be deaf to the answers

There's so much bigotry, misunderstanding and fear / With eyes squinted and fists clinched we reach out for what is dear / We want it we want / We want a reason to live

We're on a pilgrimage / A crusade for hope / Cause in our hearts and minds and souls we know

We need it we need / We need more than this

[Chorus:] Going through this life looking for angels / People passing by looking for angels / Walking down the streets looking for angels / Everyone I meet looking for angels

So many nations with so many hungry people / So many homeless scrounging around for dirty needles / On the rise, teen suicide, when we will realize / we've been desensitized by the lies of the world / We're oppressed and impressed by the greedy / Whose hands squeeze the life out of the needy / When will we learn that wars, threats, and regrets are the cause and effect of living in fear

Who can help protect the innocence of our children / Stolen on the internet with images they can't forget / We want it we want / We want a reason to live / We represent a generation that wants to turn back a nation / To let love be our light and salvation / We need it we need / We need more than this

I became a savior to some kids I'll never meet / Sent a check in the mail to buy them something to eat / What will you do to make a difference, to make a change? / What will you do to help someone along the way? / Just a touch, a smile as you turn the other cheek / Pray for your enemies, humble yourself, love's staring back at me / In the midst of the most painful faces / Angels show up in the strangest of places / (Angels show up in the strangest of places)"

Again, this song highlights why I like Mr. Cooper's music & why I'll listen to Skillet when I'm avoiding most Contemporary Christian Music like the plague. Here's a guy who full on believes that his calling in life is to play rock & roll as a tool to reach kids who are hurting & tell them that there's hope... This dude figures he can change the world & while the bitter & jaded part of me wants to scoff at this, the rest of me prays to God that he's right & that he'll get his wish & bring a host of souls into light before his days ebb into the great black....

So much of this song opens me up again to the heartbeat of the world, to the brokenness that surrounds us. The part about "teen suicide" has been where the tears start to really flow & they don't stop. The part about representing a generation to turn a nation to light makes my blood burn with a fire of longing... (Neil Young's "Rocking in the Free World" is playing in the background now - another song that paints for me the bleakness of life around us & paints the desperate call to do something, to help prevent those 'thousand points of light' from going out & being extinguished & lost to the great dark & coming night)...

5) Calexico's "All Systems Red" by Joey Burns, John Convertino & JD Foster

"Felt a tremor stir beneath my breath / That forecasts storms on the gallup poll / Woke up from the nightmare news / Hoping to read a sign in the morning air

Nothing changes here and nothing improves / All say my friends who just want out / And leave these troubles behind / Scatter like paper in the eye of the storm / Documented with a silenced note / That's only heard from far, far away

More cards in play, following suit / Everywhere you look, you only see red / Wonder when to call off the race / Watching a horse running down its last legs / Just when you think it couldn't get much worse / Watch the numbers rise on the death toll / And the chimes of freedom flash and fade / Only heard from far, far away

I hear you can't trust in your own / Now the grey is broken in the early morn / And the words forming barely have a voice / It's just your heart that's breaking without choice

Everything you've learned is distorted in your head / Bouncing off the walls, unraveling the thread / Staying up with the blue screen glow / Forgetting everything you ever dreamed years ago

When the dread is flowing down my veins / I want to tear it all down and build it up again / Hear your heart that's breaking without choice / I want to hear those chimes ring again / Ring again"

Out of the collection of artists I've picked up after watching the "Before the Music Dies" Documentary, I'm really enjoying Calexico. I was expecting to love Doyle Bramhall's & Erykah Badu's music a lot more & sort of picked up Calexico's album as a, "well, might as well get this one, too". But I'm really, really enjoying the tunes these guys & gals are putting out.

I can't claim to understand this song. The lyrics are a bit beyond me... But listening to it makes me think of the US & just yeah... there is such an urgency & desperation in this song... the tears start flowing at around the "I hear you can't trust in your own" stage. It again paints a picture of the coming black & just the way we are driving our society to destruction. Living to appease the media, living in a world full of lies & lies about what our governments & individuals are really doing. We've built our houses on sand & the waves are starting to lick at the foundations & yeah, we long for things like freedom & hope & liberty, ideals which have become slogans for politicians, but have lost their true meaning... & yeah, I find my "heart breaking without choice" as I listen to this song...

6) David Gray tunes:

Please Forgive Me by David Gray

"Please forgive me / If I act alittle strange / For I know not what I do. / Feels like lightning running through my veins / Everytime I look at you / Everytime I look at you

Help me out here / All my words are falling short / And theres so much I want to say / Want to tell you just how good it feels / When you look at me that way / When you look at me that way

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow / Moving out across the bay / Like a stone I fall into your eyes / Deep into some mystery / Deep into that mystery

I got half a mind to scream out loud / I got half a mind to die / So I wont ever have to lose you girl / Wont ever have to say goodbye / I wont ever have to lie / Wont ever have to say goodbye

Please forgive me / If I act alittle strange / For I know not what I do / Its like my head is filled with lightning girl / Everytime I look at you"

Babylon by David Gray

"Friday night / I'm going nowhere / All the lights are changing green to red / Turning over TV stations / Situations running through my head / Well looking back through time / You know it's clear that I've been blind / I've been a fool / To ever open up my heart / To all that jealousy, / that bitterness, / that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild / And all the lights are changing red to green / Moving through the crowd I'm pushing / Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream / Only wish that you were here / You know I'm seeing it so clear / I've been afraid / To tell you how I really feel / Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it / Come and get it / Crying out loud / The love that I was / Giving you was / Never in doubt / Let go your heart / Let go your head / And feel it now / Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London Shining , / Sky is fading red to blue / I'm kicking through the / Autumn leaves / And wondering where it is you might be going to / Turning back for home / You know I'm feeling so alone / I can't believe / Climbing on the stair / I turn around to see you smiling there / In front of me

If you want it / Come and get it / Crying out loud / The love that I was / Giving you was / Never in doubt / Let go your heart / Let go your head / And feel it now / Babylon, Babylon"

David Gray wasn't on the Before the Music Dies video, but they talked about him somewhat. Dave Matthews spoke of begging David to sign with ATO records (Dave Matthew's indie music label) & so yeah, if Dave Matthews is begging a musician to join something, the dude must be good (that & Cheri had David Gray listed in her Myspace account & her tastes in music weigh about as much in my mind as Mr. Matthew's tastes )

These songs maybe haven't totally made me cry, but they entered my thoughts in a specific way. I woke up about a week ago with the "Please Forgive me" playing in my head (I seem to wake up each morning with my internal 'iPod' (there's got to be a metaphor in there somewhere) playing some tune - it seems psuedo random, but sometimes fits well with the day). It's a very pretty song & seemed to fit well with my thoughts for the day. While mulling this over, I chose to listen to the "White Ladder" album at work & it was then that the lyrics to "Babylon" started to seep in.

A while back I posted about watching the movie Babel & yeah, the thoughts around that have really bothered me. I've been afraid of my lack of communication abilities lately. And somewhere in there, this David Gray song speaks to me of just the truth that is seen in an open heart... & this gives me hope that maybe I'm not as sucky a communicator as I figure... or at least that Babylon can get torn down by hearts that choose to live in love & truth.... slowly peeling layer after layer off that onion or watching the rose blossom wider & wider....