Wind & Eden

Have been contemplating goodbyes today. There seem to be a myriad of goodbyes in our lives. Big ones, little ones. Some for short times, some for forever.

I'm not very good at any of them. I cling when i should release, I stick my heels in when the goodbyes must be said, I hide from goodbyes & try to pretend they're not coming (when my friend Rachel left to move to Vancouver, I sort of tried to put off that goodbye 'cause yeah, didn't want to think about it... I'm trying to pretend that May won't come this year & my friend Sharon won't head off on her next adventure). I keep a very small collection of people close to me. They're a rag-tag bunch - all the best of the best of course - but they're an eclectic mix & i miss them when they're not around... Maybe it's just that there's not a huge number of them & so their presence is missed more when they go away... or maybe I'd feel this way even if I had a zillion friends. I guess you miss them 'cause they matter to you & if they didn't matter so much they wouldn't be good friends....

... but have been thinking about my 'good bye' processes today. Back when I was at the Gathering, I was pretty sure that I had some 'abandonment issues'.... it was sort of popular (or so it felt) to have some kind of issue or something in your past that could be cast out through prayer or whatever & so i think I probably took on this idea/identity hoping that I could find some 'root cause' for why I get clingy in relationships & why I sort of expect everyone to leave me eventually & why I fear this... I prayed about this a lot, but never really got any clear answer. Only imagery I got was something from childhood where there was a blizzard & my parents were away & i had to stay at my Granny's place for a while - I may have mentioned this here somewhere in the past - but yeah, that still didn't seem like enough to really cause some life-long neurosis....

So I've been contemplating this again. Thinking about how I miss 'reading' people's 'stories' when they're not around. I miss seeing the drama of what goes on in their lives. I miss most of all watching the Master Artist at work as God sculpts & changes their lives before my eyes... He is brilliant in how He sculpts us in the tiniest of ways in the smallest of moments... this blows me away... & yeah, I have to admit I'm sort of addicted to seeing this process in friends lives. It's not like I really get to see it that much, I'm not around people that often. But I love every chance i get to see the 'work in progress' artistry that is shaped in those that I value... & miss it when it's not there. It's sort of like trying to watch '24' (have finally started season 5 & am loving it) where you skip every two or three episodes... you kind of can get the general understanding of the story from the recaps at the start of each episode, but you miss the details, the fine points of the story.... it's like with my friend the Angel.... we both get busy & don't e-mail for months & then it's huge long e-mails to try to catch up... & we likely have face time once every 3-6 months... and in between those times you go through relative times of missing each other... some moments are pretty bearable. The people only enter your thoughts once in a while. Other times, everything reminds you of them & you ache to find out even the smallest bit of news about what's been happening in their lives...

So today on the drive down to JLYS, I'm thinking about all of this & thinking about how much I'm going to love heaven 'cause there, it's going to be one big long story-telling time.... We'll all get to sit around one big campfire & listen to everyone tell the details, every escapade, every adventure, every sculpting moment of their days & every part of the tale will show that Jesus was there the whole was, loving, supporting, freeing, growing us... & it will all be beautiful & it will all fit into the one big story of the Great Romancer winning the heart of His bride....

...and yeah, in thinking about this is struck me that maybe I'm not as neurotic as I think. (well, maybe a little)... Maybe I'm not afraid of abandonment - maybe I just realize that eventually all relationships end... we live in transition, we move around as the spirit leads & so we can't hang on to people 'cause God keeps shuffling them around the planet.... no matter how close the relationships get, there is always the day when you are parted by death.... every relationship on this world, on this side of heaven, ends.... and so my 'fear' is not being paranoid, it's recognizing the reality of it all...

...and I realized again, that, for whatever reason, I remember Eden well... my heart knows what that felt like - it's not something I've experienced; it's just a memory that is there just beyond my grasp. Goodbye was not a word that was made to exist in Eden. It's a word that was invented the day we bit the fruit..... and so it's no wonder I suck at goodbyes... We as humans weren't made with that as part of our make-up... we've had to learn to manage with it while having hearts that don't understand the concept of 'good bye'....

...and yeah, oddly enough, this realization is really freeing. It speaks to me that I'm not so screwed up as I thought & it again helps me hold on less tightly to the people around me... the stuff I admire about my friends is that they are children of the wind - they are moved by the spirit as He wills them, and like Philip you see them one moment baptizing someone & then suddenly whisked away miles away... it's just a reality that I have to learn to live with..... watching God move people around as He wills.... & yeah, that's sort of exciting & I like that idea.... I sort of always feel like the person being left & not so wind-blown, which sometimes is not so much fun, but yeah, guess that's OK, too... can always look forward to the eventual reunion & swapping stories whenever they happen (had a friend who I haven't heard from in 8 years e-mail me after finding my blog, so you never know when you get the chance to catch up with old & dear friends)

Anyhow, so yeah, feel kind of less clingy & more free with that all.... always nice to have thoughts that you're not crazy anyhow....