Still here

It's been a very, very, very long time since I've posted.

It's been a while since I've done a number of things. For the last number of months I've been swamped with work & it's been nibbling away at my evenings & weekends. After a few months of it, I'm very tired & sort of angry & bitter at the way it's helped steal my summer from me.... I had some plans (not much mind you), but they didn't get done 'cause of work crap.

On the plus side, the sense of too much work has made me feel trapped & the trapped feelings have made me want to escape, so I'm thinking again of what I want to be when I grow up. How do I change jobs or change careers or change life to try to align with my passions, with the stuff that my heart wants, the things that I think matter. The work stuff now has been giving little reward, other than the false & illusionary 'reward' of being the guy who is 'sacrificing' for the company. It's illusionary 'cause you get some level of appreciation from your peers & 'the company' - but it's just as easily turned into a pink slip that says, "thanks for the sacrifice, now go find another job 'cause there's no more room for you here."

Companies, like governments, are faceless & soulless organizations. You can't trust something without a face, ro a soul. Stuff without faces can't earn your loyalty or love either. They're just things, objects, concepts that have no way of creating or keeping relationship. At the end of the day a company is really just a balance sheet with numbers counting the losses & gains. If the losses are greater than gains, there is no loyalty, people must be cut.

Anyhow, so I'm thinking. One option is to try to get a teaching degree - go teach high school & try to inspire kids to learn, to grow, to ask questions & pursue their passions. Other options, another engineering job at the same company, at a different company, being a waiter, writing the great Canadian novel.... not sure if any of these keeps my mortgage paid....

...but have discovered again the importance of my soul, of nurturing the hidden things. I've been reminded again of how much art matters to me - of how my soul shrivels & dies without something creative to feed on. I went to the folk fest this year - wasn't going to, but a good friend had a ticket to sell me. That was a huge event for me & absolutely surreal in how profound a moment it was to be surrounded by so much fantastic creativity & talent...

Anyhow, I just know the work stuff has been drying my soul, leaving me parched & cracked like some desert aching for rain. I need to get out.... now just need to figure out which direction to go (and find/summon up enough courage to begin the journey again).