Heart full of surrender

I left work today contemplating whether I should sell my car & get a new one. The mileage is getting up there, maybe it's time to trade things in. This got me thinking about finances & longer term stuff. What if I quit my job? Maybe I could become a radio engineer for CKUA? How much do they make? I wouldn't know how to do the work, but I'm sure I could learn....

...then got thinking about the icy roads, about car accidents, about death, trying to protect people in my car from pending accidents, me dying, etc....

Merged onto John Laurier on the way to pick up Jason to go for supper. Roads looked clear, I got cocky. Was driving along just fine & then went to turn into the left hand turn lane to turn onto Charleswood.... There's a car at the bottom of the hill &, as I press on the brakes, I find it's all ice & no traction beneath me..

They say in accidents that everything goes in slow motion. Not so sure this is true. Everything seems to happen in real time, it's just that your brain is running so fast processing options that you're not able to give solutions/action to the rest of your body to react fast enough & everything feels like you're moving through molasses....

... so I start to skid. My brain starts sending images of crashing into the back of the car at the bottom of the hill. I panic, suddenly forget all the good winter driving skills. The car skids to the left, I compensate to the right & worry about turning into traffic coming behind me. Then I turn left & the car keeps pulling for theh meridian. I wonder if it'll stop me - maybe that's the solution. Portions of a radio conversation from days ago flood my head. Someone's calling about a car jumping the meridian on John Laurier & crashing into oncoming traffic. Fatalities... I press the brake harder, trying to stop & the skid pulls me all the way around.....

...and in that moment, I gave up. I stopped fighting, stopped trying to come up with the solution to the problem. I surrendered to defeat, expecting to hear the crunching shattering breaking sounds of car on car. I expected to be spun around, thrown into traffic, the car (& maybe me) mangled beyond recognition... for the moment that it was in it was an oddly peaceful place.....

...but no crunching came. Somehow the car spun 180 & stopped - neatly in the left turn lane facing back up the hill towards traffic.... somehow in the middle of a rush hour commute, I hit a pocket, a window of time & space where it was 'OK' to go spinning in a 180 on a busy road....

...it took me a few minutes to collect my thoughts, to calm down & go to work of solving how to get turned around. People saw my predicament & were nice enough to stop to let me turn around (again, a small miracle for Calgary drivers). & I managed to drive off unscathed.... though shaken to the core....

I started beating myself up after this. What was I thinking? Why did I lose my brain? I know how to drive in winter - stay off the brake, try to steer out of the skid? What kind of 'man' are you that you couldn't handle this?

Most of all, I hated the heart full of surrender. I don't like the ways that I give up, where I throw in the towel easy. Where was that fight that I talk about/long for? Where was the lion's heart to never give up? Why is it that I'm willing to let go, say goodbye, end life? Where's my tenacity? Why didn't I keep fighting to the bitter end?

I sat there going, "wow, I got lucky"... & kind of felt the unexpected voice correct that to say that, "No... you were preserved....protected"... Felt the sense that this was again something to say that I'm in His hand - despite the ways that I forget this & feel that I'm on my own here on planet earth....

... There are places where the heart full of surrender is the right thing.... moments where your fight for control is the last thing you need. If the surrender hadn't come, would things have worked out with the car, or would I have made it all worse? If I hadn't surrendered & stayed calm, would it have worked out? Who knows. The hard part is knowing when to surrender & when to fight.... it's hard to know in the moment. It's hard to know even in retrospect....

... I did a lot of 'penance' driving after that - driving real slow & cautious, taking back roads - trying to remove myself from being a menace to society.... Jason missed my not-so-subtle hints of wanting to vent; "Pay attention to me, I could've died!!".... probably just as well. I'm not always a fan of my drama queen persona either....

Still shaken... muscles are tense. Will try a hot bath to see if it calms my nerves...