Happiness for Melancholics Anonymous

"'It's just a rock.'

'No, it's not just a rock. It is 42 pounds of polished granite, a bevelled underbelly & a handle a human being can hold. And it may have no practical purpose in and of itself but it is a repository of human possibility and if it's handled just right it will exact a kind of poetry.

For ten years I've drilled for oil in 93 countries, 5 different continents and not once have I done anything to equal the grace of a well thrown rock sliding down a sheet.'"

- Amy Foley & Chris Cutter, "Men with Brooms"

Melanchonlics have their own brand of happiness. Sometimes it seems like some rare animal, shy, hidden, something that only comes out when you're not looking. Other times it's there in the open, maybe it's taken for granted, maybe people forget what it's like to be genuinely happy, genuinely joyful, or maybe they just see so much of it (whether it's the true happiness or the plastic pretend happiness), that they forget that it's a gift to be happy - just like it's a gift to be sad, a gift to be angry, a gift to simply be able to feel, to enjoy the full range of emotions & experiences that are given to us with our humanity.... emotions that are shared in many ways with the giver of all things.....

I'm happy tonight. I've been pretty happy most of the week. Sure there's been some unhappy outbursts, some whining, some moaning & wingeing, but for the most part I'm happy. I'm a long way from home, down in Ft.Wayne on business. I should be not so happy. I hate business travel. Ft.Wayne is not my favorite subcontractor to deal with, but yeah. I'm enjoying things.

It's nice to just not be working so hard. Nice to not spend every evening at the hotel trying to review documents & come up with results after a string of 14 hour days. Part of the happiness comes from what I'm not doing & how I'm not quite as tied to work. Part of the happiness is my internal secrets that I'm looking for an escape from some of the job stuff & I'm trying to come up with a clever plan to make it 'over the wall'.... just thinking about it all make me feel hopeful, millitant, rebellious, free... a lot of emotions i hadn't felt in the last little while trapped in the business of trying to meet some impossible deadlines....

Some of the happiness is just sneaking off to do introvert things. Make a run to the toy or comic store, watch some "Adventures of Brisco County, Jr." (such a good show), reading, heading to the hot tub at the hotel (well, it's more of a 'warm' tub so far).... just little things that I like to do. These things definitely help with the happiness.

Not sure all the reasons why - lack of stress, lack of worries, fun stuff, plans for a weekend by myself away from work & work people.... not sure, is happiness a default state that is there when there's nothing else to deal with? Or is it something where you have to place things in your life to help provide the happiness? Not sure. Not sure that it matters. Happiness, like all emotions is in a state of change, a state of flux....never constant, never always there... but part of the ebb & flo, like breathing in & out....

Anyhow, watched "Men with Brooms" tonight. Such a good movie. I sort of half way watched part of it on a plane once & have had it in my collection for a long time, but haven't watched it 'cause a friend sort of poo-poo'ed the movie 'cause he didn't like the scenes with the couple trying to get pregnant. I need to keep reminding myself not to listen to people's thoughts on movies & just watch what I want to watch. (I nearly missed watching "Love Actually" for similar reasons & also really enjoyed that movie)....

But yeah, finally watched the movie & loved it. It made me laugh...and cry & dream & think & all kinds of good stuff.... It's a melancholic movie (in some senses)... quirky, weird, you don't quite get it. One moment it's just silly, the next breathtakingly profound, if you let it, if you hear what is said just beyond the words. I really like the stuff that Paul Gross does. Due South had many moments that spoke to me, as does this film. I like the stories that he tells, they speak of something more.....

..and the soundtrack to the movie was great. Most movies I ignore the soundtrack, it tends to get in the way. This one had lots of great tunes by great Canadian bands, including Kathleen Edwards' "Hockey Skates" song. Kathleen was one of the artists at the folk fest this year. I heard some of her stuff, but wasn't paying attention for a lot of it. Her songs & the great little write-up about her in the promo bookelet intrigued me enough to pick up her album & it's been growing on me as one of the favorite (among many) albums I picked up from folk fest artists.

Likewise a great melancholic album. The songs aren't happy, they leave you full of this, something.... listening to her album "Failer" you hear stories of gunned down loves, broken hearts & relationships, hunted & haunted relationships, a world full of 'failers' - broken people living broken lives.... and, like with "Men with Brooms", there's an emptiness left in the center of your chest when your done.... it's not an emptiness of loss (though it maybe feels like loss), not of pain (though you're reminded of pain), not an emptiness of despair.... but an emptiness of expectancy.... Somewhere in the beauty of the emotions, beauty of the tragedy, longing, joy, pain, everything; in the middle of the poetry, you become open to realizing you were made for something more, something rich & ultimately good (though something very real & mixed with it's share of everything good & bad).... the emptiness leaves you open to looking for that more, to opening up yourself to possibilities, to the unknown, to the chance to dream, to hope, to look for something more.....

... maybe this is why you can't tell when melancholics are happy.... sometimes their tears flow more in joy than they do in sorrow.... there are moments that take your breath away & there are no words to describe it, in the same way that lovers eyes communicate more than what is spoken... and in the middle there are times where you feel your heart could crack with joy 'cause it just can't hold so much goodness & beauty, but you figure that'd be OK 'cause you're dying happy, but somewhere in there, the heart always expands, gets bigger & makes more room for joy, more room for love, more room for happiness, peace & hope.

& maybe all that carving out that pain & sorrow does is just to make room for all the joy & laughter that's waiting to fill the empty places....