At the end of the day....

Finished '24' season 5 tonight. Took a bit longer than expected. I figured I'd be home in time Sunday to put food in the oven, get toilet paper (found out the hard way that I was out - kleenex anyone?) & blaze through the last 4 episodes. But when I got home, my house was full & it took me much longer than I figured to get stuff done (& i was tired so fit in a nice 1 hour nap).

But yeah, no 24 on Sunday - instead cooking & resting & a lovely moroccan meal (cooked in the new tagine - in the oven this time with no cold water around) & great conversaton with a wonderful & dear friend. Got to talk science/engineering & tore the old dead-cell phone apart to show my friend the work I used to do. Realized that it's been a long time since I've done 'real' engineering (i.e. got my hands dirty) & designed circuit boards or programmed code. I miss that. There was some cool learning/challenging/creative moments in past work...

Monday night I got in 2 episodes. The roomies were both home wihich never happens, so we watched a movie together. Picked 'the War Tapes' a documentary from 3 National Guardsmen who wore/used cameras for their 16-18 month tour in Iraq. The movie's good. Gives you enough information that any bias could apply in the movie. Shows a lot of the good & the bad. Pretty upsetting & not so cheery movie though. Leaves me thinking that our planet is #$@#ed & I should move to the boonies & start stocking up canned goods & water... or maybe use my car less.... it's hard feeling powerless when you're watching the world you think you know crumble away & you see past the veneer that it's all about money & power... & those of us who know the real truth - that it's all about love - seem so unable to stem the tide... to plug the holes in the dam....

Felt pretty unhappy after this. Called a good friend to chat. We both likely needed to hear a friendly voice.... (or maybe just me more than she).

So tonight, the house is empty, all quiet, all to myself. Only sounds are random road & house noises & the occasional sound of falling Sigma 6 figures (man, I can not figure how to make those guys stay up - maybe it's the oversized weapons). And yeah, ate leftovers from Sunday night while watching the final 2 episodes of Season 5.

At the end of the 'day', at the end of the 24 episodes, it ends as it always does. Jack saves the day, but loses personally in the end... (though if he would've listened to me & took 10 minutes to upload stuff to YouTube, he might have saved himself some of the hassles) I remember resonating with Jack at the end of season 3, watching him weep & then brush the tears away to follow up on the next task, the next mission, the never ending battle of Jack Bauer...

& yeah, Jack looked happy (or as close as he gets) for a least a tiny bit at the end of the day.... sort of wish he could've stayed there.... that the day ended at 23 hours & 50 minutes & that 50th minute lasted for a long, long time..... I know, I know, we need to have season 6 & it's all exciting & stuff, but really, Jack's been through the wringer, we all need to cut him some slack & let someone else deal with the crises.....

I'm bummed. I want to say 'depressed' or 'lonely', but those words lose meaning for me 'cause I've used them too much. Maybe the better words to use are just to say that the 'void' is felt tonight... the empty places... the 'hollow way' that is in part my name & destiny... I've realized the redemptive power of my name - that I am here to walk in the hollow ways, to find people in the empty places & help them on their journey, to point to the light, the mountain tops, the next step, to keep them from staying forever in the hollow place & letting it consume them.... the only flip side of that is to live this you end up being in the hollow places a lot.... sometimes it's yourself that you have to coax out of the empty places & encourage to keep journeying....

.... Tonight I feel bulletproof, I feel unstoppable. I sense the reality that in Christ I cannot be halted or waylaid. I will continue to walk & journey through this life & pursue love & joy & truth & freedom & light & life no matter what.... but this reality can co-exist with the reality of the empty places... I feel alone-ish tonight. I haven't been around people so much the last few days. This has been good, but I over think friendships & contemplate whether it's worth it to pursue trying to grow friendships or just to hide out at home with the TV & g.i. joes & random hobbies & live my life maybe waiting for things to come to me. I will choose to pursue, but yeah, the whining is there. My body longs for sex. I haven't tasted that fruit per se, thought about it a lot, but haven't gotten to it yet. Doesn't stop the cravings. Been thinking about an ex-girlfriend again. I want to see her to apologize for not being better to her. But part of me has the darker urges & that's part of why I miss her... my body remembers hers.... I also remember that she really liked me &, well, that was just a nice feeling to have for the time that it lasted....

... & so at the end of the day, this is where I sit. I don't want to do a lot. I write 'cause, well, I can. I may paint. I may go to bed early. Sort of want & don't want either of those... but at the end of the day, I sit in the empty places trying to make the best out of it & hope tomorrow looks a bit brighter.....

I use the phrase 'at the end of the day' a lot lately. It's like saying 'in conclusion', or 'when it's all said & done'... Really it means that once all of our trying & thinking & processing & trying to make sense of it all, the reality we are faced with is...... and yeah, maybe I'm not qualified to make statements like 'at the end of the day....' 'cause I sort of don't know what the end of the day, the conclusion of the whole matter, holds.... other than what Solomon tells us, "hear the conclusion of the whole matter, fear God, keep his commands for this is the whole duty of man"... and then he launches into Song of Songs, the epic love poem of the bride & groom, the two beloveds, Jesus's romance of humanity....

At the end of the day, there is love... &, I hope, there is redemption. At the end of some days we are left in the sunshine with the girl, smiling & breathless. At the end of other days we are left in the darkness of our darkest dungeons. But in all of it we are given life, given a chance for another day, another kick at the can, another shot at seeing good & living well... As long as there is breath in our lungs there is hope. His mercies are new each morning. Hope rises like the dawn.... blazing like the morning star.... in Him we live & move & have our being... we give, we try, we fail, we hurt, we succeed, we laugh, we get through, we survive, we manage, we cope, we live, we dance, we celebrate, we find joy, we hug, we smile & see others smiles... at the end of the day we are human & we are gloriously loved... & this lights the lanterns on the path of at least this hollow way...