Acting like the devil & other revelations

Was driving away from the community house tonight & listening to something on the radio (CKUA), some weird poem about time & memories that was at first really goofy & then really, really profound & beautiful... one of those poems that at first you're thinking what a joke it all is & then nearly in tears 'cause it's, well, it captures the heart of a moment & takes your breath away... and it was followed by an Eliza Gilkyson tune that I've heard a number of times, but suddenly in light of the poem it became so meaningful, so 'true' - all about time & how we're caught in it & how things change & slip away, & how much we try to grab ahold, how much we try to understand the moment, live so much with this 'furrowed brow' - all of humanity trying to figure out why we're here & what it's all about & yeah, somewhere in this I just realized afresh how that true revelation, those moments when we finally 'get it' do not come because we figured them out through our own merit, through our efforts of thinking. Instead it's these moments of where stuff that's been brewing on our heart & brain for days, weeks, months or sometimes years suddenly becomes blindingly clear..... & these clarity moments come when we are not expecting them....

...like just now, the word clarity strikes me. At work I have to come up with random passwords each month & somehow in this months & wove 'clarity' into one of the passwords because at the time, thats what I needed. My thoughts were a jumble of loose ends & rabbit trails & I couldn't find a way to unravel it all... so clarity is what I needed. Got some clarity on things earlier in the month & was grateful for that, but yeah, realizing that there is so much more clarity to come. It struck me in just this moment that I've been looking for 'changes' each month of this year, things to turn the titanic around, to reshape my life so it's very different in the end of 2007 than what it was when I began. In this moment I see that 'clarity' is what this month is about - and maybe it's just going to keep going.

& it feels good with the work/life confusion to realize again (as wise friends have mentioned to me), that the truth of what is 'next' will just dawn on me eventually....

....but yeah, other revelation: From listening to the song "hold fast hope" off a Thrice album that Nolan's lent me - realized again how much Jesus draws parallels between his life & Jonah's. Both end up fast asleep in a boat in the middle of this crazy storm. Both end up calming the sea. Both end up three days & three nights in the 'grave'. Both of their 'deaths' cause gentiles to praise & worship God. Both find 'resurrection' after three days.

You'd think out of all the people in the Bible that Jesus could compare himself to, Jonah wouldn't be one of them, but yet Jonah, in his running from God ends up becoming metaphor, becoming a picture of Christ in so many ways.... & this is just wild, that some how the stories of rebellion can still point to the only obedient one.... I think of Samson, too, who 'did more in his death than he did in his life' & how even in this, we find something that points to the cross, some strange parallel between Samson's last thrust of strength to topple the pillars and Jesus's triumphant cry of 'it is finished'.....

...and so it's wild to realize that our lives, in either running to or running from Him, all points to Him.....

.... and one last revelation - the big one for tonight, which is something I've somehow been pondering for unrelated reasons, but it just came together tonight... I,uh... we.... we were listening to a sermon my Martin Luther King, Jr. tonight. I've never really heard him speak before (other than the 'I have a dream' bit)... but it was rich. Didn't agree with everything, but most everything was fantastic & he was talking about Mark 10:35-45... it's where James & John come to Jesus & ask to be seated on his right & left in his coming kingdom.... and Jesus looks at them & goes, 'you don't know what you're asking. Can you drink of the cup I that I drink of & be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?" & they reply "yes" to this.... & yeah, the thoughts of the cup (& a zillion other thoughts) have been stuck on my brain afterwards... Jesus looks at James & John & their bold reply & says, "Yes, you will indeed drink the cup I drink & be baptized with my baptism"....

the cup is the cup of suffering, the baptism, well, I maybe don't understand that yet... but it leaves me thinking. Out of the 12 disciples, it was James who tasted that cup first. He's the first of the 12 (not counting Judas) to taste death (Acts 12) & to experience the same sufferings that Jesus did. John is the last of the 12, alone on Patmos.... These two men bookend a trail of martyrdom amongst the original 12....

...Andy put a cup of wine in the middle of the room, to represent the cup of suffering & challenged us to take of it.... my first temptation: to rush over there & chug-a-lug it all down. Why? Not to quench some thirst or to satiate some longing for wine.... it's the symbolism. I've tasted, in limited senses, the cup of suffering & it's part of the life I've chosen. I've picked to embrace Philipians 3:10 - this prayer that I long to know Christ, the power of His resurrection & the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to his death.... I was counseled years ago to not pray that prayer by someone who prayed it & has reaped the sufferings (& some degree of wisdom). I was warned to not pray this 'cause of the 'cost'.... but yeah, maybe I have a silly heart like James & John & go, "meh, how bad can it be?"... & yeah, haven't regretted it. It means maybe a darker path at times, but it's a rich path & I wouldn't have it any other way....

But I find that, for as much as I value the lessons suffering brings, I tend to fear for those I care about & try to shield them from any form of suffering. Maybe some of this comes from a good heart, maybe it's all well intentioned, but yeah, I had it pointed out to me (in a sermon, so not directly to me) that Peter's advice to Jesus in Matthew 16/Mark 8 telling him, "Look, stop talking about this crucifixion stuff. You don't have to die. You'll be fine. " was actually the voice of Satan talking to Jesus (& the phrase 'get behind me satan is paralleled in Luke 4:8)....

... it's this thing of where a big part of Jesus's purpose here on earth was to die, to lay down his life as a sacrifice for the sins of the world.... Peter's call to turn from the cross was actually the voice of the enemy calling Jesus away from His true task.... and part of the revelation tonight for me was just how much I likely become the voice of satan some times to those around me by 'protecting' them from their crosses....

... there is a place of where we have to let go those we love. There is always the moment (or really a series of moments) where we release those we love to face suffering, to face the great dark & the worst suffering of all, facing these things alone.... We all must go through Gethsemane & find our friends sleeping in the moments when we sweat blood & tears... there is always the via dolorosa in our lives, the way of suffering, where we must march up the long road to gologtha, the place of death & be nailed to the cross, to face our myriad sufferings....

...I've walked these places many a time. In every moment I've looked beside me & somehow found Jesus waiting there with me - the one who faced these alone for me now refuses to let me be alone in these moments - He weaves himself in so he is closer than my skin, our breath, our tears combine & so it is hard to tell whether it's me weeping or His tears streaming down my face.... these have been the most intimate moments with God perhaps that I've had.... as we've shared the dark places.....

... and yeah, I have watched friends I love walk through these places. In some places I've somehow seen my powerlessness & had no choice but to step back & watch those I love most be stripped & hoisted high above to be objects of ridicule & scorn, bloodied trophies for a world that doesn't deserve to have people that good walk the soil of this planet. & I've stood there like the Marys... parent's heart breaking... or like Mary Magdelene, watching the embodiment of love be stolen from you by cruel hearts who never understood who they were really putting on that cross.....

...and yeah, it's this thing of where I am so comfortable in some ways with the cross for myself that it's 'easy' (ish) for me to face this, but so hard to watch others that I care about go through even the tiniest of sufferings.....

... and I mean, it's great that I want to help, want to be there, want to stay awake in Gethsemane, but yeah, in doing so, I rob friends of the intimacy of the shared space, the fellowship of sufferings, with Jesus... & yeah, in the end, I stand with the accuser to keep friends from their true places of growth....

.... was listening to another radio program last night that talked about risk & how kids today live in such a 'safe' world that they have no idea of how to take responsibility & don't feel like adults 'cause they never get to risk.. So they join gangs, do drugs, have sex young, all kinds of things just to take on something where they can feel like they've faced a risk & were able to overcome their challenges. The guy on the radio talked about how that parents can 'protect' their kids right into all the wrong things 'cause we as humans are made to, long to, find our maturity in learning to stand on our own two feet, to live the life of risk - to face uncertainty & possible collapse & find that we are enough to handle the situation.....

...so yeah, not sure if this is making any sense - it was clearer to me in the moment than what I'm able to put down now. But yeah, to my friends who I have 'sheltered' far more than I should have, I apologize. I forget that sometimes love stands aside & lets you go through pain so that you can grow & find confidence in your own heart & own strength.... I'm sorry for the places where I didn't trust God's hand of leading in your lives & recognize the places where your suffering produces good fruit in you.... I see the richness borne of pain in your lives & it's this depth of heart that I love about you all. I just forget that to get there sometimes means going through the crucible.... forgive me for trying to pull you out when God's trying to put you in...

... I'm learning slowly....