Rudderless (?)

"Depression is just anger without enthusiasm."

Heard this on the radio last night while heading off to pick up one of my brothers from the airport. Things didn't go as planned last night. Was to meet Preston at the airport at 7:11 & then find some nice ethnic restaurant & enjoy good food & good conversation. Worked a bit late & hung out in the NE waiting for the flight to come in & Preston started phoning to say that the plane would be late. Mechanical troubles & the plane to bring him from Edmonton was still in Calgary being repaired. After the second call which bumped the arrival time to 9 something, decided to head home. This after grabbing things to nibble on so I didn't sugar crash & having been past an old lunch haunt that made me reminiscent & left me missing good friends. I came home & waited & watched the arrival time of the plan get later & later. Didn't manage my blood sugar right & went into a sugar crash - eyes grainy, headache like a knife through my skull, emotions churning between sadness & plain meanness... short temper mixed with ready tears.....

Finally got together & had supper at 11. Not quite the chat we were hoping for, but still good to catch up (& got to hear that the company he's working for is insane, too - made me think about moving out into the bush & storing up food waiting for the world ot end).

Tonight didn't work out as planned either. Had scheduled myself for a quiet night of painting & laundry & a bit of TV. Got home a pit early & sat down to paint & didn't have the drive. I've got a bunch of figure pieces across the desk. Most are in final stages of touch ups & other fiddly bits, so stuff that would require some concentration....and I was tired. In bed at 1, up for a 7:30 meeting at work (actually made it on time for a change). So napped for a bit... got interrupted by loud roommates, but was too exhausted to yell at them. Semi-slept through most of that. Woke up & growled at the loud roomie on the way down the stairs.... set to making pizzas to use up leftovers from Saturday night & to give me some lunches for what's left of the week...and then sat down to watch Serenity.....

...I've heard that Inara is coming to town. Morena Baccarin & Christina Hendricks (Saffron) are going to be guests at the Calgary Comic book convention at the end of April (see http://www.calgaryexpo.com/ for details). Learning this got me thinking about the crew of Serenity & so I figured I'd re-watch the movie to re-familiarize myself with the cast & characters.... This was sort of on the agenda for this week, but seemed to eat up more of the evening than I expected....

I've missed Serenity... this place that felt like home (or at least a picture of it) for a while... I've still been looking for it. Have been to places where I thought I'd find it, but have sort of short-circuited some of that (maybe)....or maybe the reality of Serenity doesn't look so serene as you try to live through it....

...the film is darker than I remember. I could've sworn that a lot of the scenes were brighter in the theatre... I also remember more laughter on the Serenity... though I guess that's likely from the Firefly series & less from the movie... Captain Mal seemed grumpier than I remembered... but I found I could relate again.... a leader with no plan.... no rudder guiding ... just following the flow of where life seems to take him.... both fearing & longing for someone to 'fog it all up' - to unseat even the illusion of direction in following the wind.... someone who is not sure what they believe any more.... or maybe rather, some one who believes in too much & who can't quite figure out how to sculpt it to make a difference in a rather screwed up world other than looking after that small group of people you call 'crew' or 'family'....

The movie left me rattled, unsettled, again. Very different than the last time... Tonight I was frustrated.... deeply lonely.... & so I did what I usually do when I get in this state: get in the car, head to the starbucks/chapters, wander, hope to meet people, hope to bump into someone that will help things make sense, look for a friend, a love, look for something to buy, some retail therapy, look to just be around people, something to take the edge of the numbness & the great unknown....

... when I got there, i wished I'd brought a book. wandered for a bit, decided not to buy anything other than the latest copy of Paste Magazine (http://www.pastestore.com/) & grabbed a chai & sat to thumb through the magazine & look for buzz on what's new.

Funny thing was little bits of the magazine - single words - left triggers... A Bill Mallonee write-up triggered a memory from Saturday of listening to some jazz guy give advice to aspiring jazz artists. He told them that if they could find something else to do, if there was another option for them other than music, that they should take it. They should only stick with music if they had to - if there was something in them that needed to, had to, create & they couldn't escape it. If that was the case, then they should stay with music 'cause they had no choice - they just needed to play & play & play.... & this has been something that's been nibbling at my brain since then... the reality that I am who I am & there is a part of me which needs to be this weird, which just sees the world differently & it's not like I can shut that off.....

... saw the word 'serendipity' which reminded me of fortune cookies. On Dec 21 I got a dual fortune out of one cookie. One fortune said to be spontaneous - Serendipity!, the other told me to mark the date 'cause 3 months from now something good would happen. I ended up eating chinese for lunch today (one day before the 3 month time frame) & got a fortune that I'd be involved in many humanitarian projects. (who writes these fortunes ?!) . I don't put a lot of stock in these things, but I do sort of play games with God & the whole fortune cookie thing.... but yeah, all of this went together to remind me about that unpredictable-ness talked about a while back... that somehow it is good that I live somewhat rudderless.... or driven by heart more than some 5 year plan...

Saw a pretty gal there. Well, likely saw a few. But this one I knew. She was a gal at the College & Careers at Foothills for a bit a long time ago. I remember her, partly 'cause she's a pretty gal, partly just 'cause I don't forget too many people... but she doesn't remember me. I sat at a table a little ways away, stole the occasional glance at her in between magazine & sips of chai. Listening to her & her friend talk, I caught snippets of conversation about houses, cooking, cleaning, refrigerators, home decorating, turning on light switches, watching TV... I wasn't really listening, but would catch bits & pieces here & there & it just made me go, "Is this all there is?".... Today at lunch I went out with a couple of guys from work & it was work talk & sports.... again, is this all there is?

Made me think about what I talk about. When I'm in public, I suppose I don't talk that much. When I'm out with friends, it's mostly listening... Asking questions, probing (sometimes too much), searching, trying to understand, to know. People fascinate me & I love hearing their stories, things that 'matter' - something that feels real, that feels like it's borne out of soul or heart or spirt, or body - something real, something that has 'cost' perhaps... why do I do this? Why is this the shape of my conversations? Maybe just 'cause I don't have other options....

& so actually of this helped break the funk... left chapters angry... generally growly....maybe with the quote for last night, anger isn't such a bad thing....

Blessings & Curses part 5: Redemption

The theme for these posts actually comes from, oddly enough, the movie 'Ghost Rider'. Not the world's greatest movie - fun if you have low expectations - but a movie that struck me nevertheless....

The whole thing is, in some ways, someone looking for redemption - looking for some way to change his curse into blessing, or at least looking for a second chance to make things right.

All through the movie, the words from a Steve Bell "Listening In" CD where Steve & his dad talk about the middle eastern concepts of 'the blessing'. In the talk, Steve's dad says something to the effect of that you can 'change a curse into a blessing if you hold it with holy hands'....

...this is a principle that I see in the Bible & see in life & has been my meditation over the last number of weeks. Jesus has this way of turning water into wine, turning evil into good, darkness to light, death to resurrection, despair to hope, rags to robes, mourning to dancing.... & as people loved by God, blessed by our Father, we live in this continual state of where our world could be flip-flopped at any moment, where tragedy turns to comedy, where the barren womb gives birth to Isaac (laughter) & the fairy tale becomes reality....

... I have spent much of my life cursing who I am & who I am not. I have spent many years berating myself for being 'not enough'. I look at others & live in this constant comparison. I see their gifts, their blessings, & feel cursed because I am not them. Then I look at me & my quirky, weird, odd little life & heart & think of how limited I am in my being....

... but there is the shift in me over the years.... I have begun (& start again) to hold me & my opinion of myself with more 'holy hands'... instead of looking at all that I am not, I am starting to look again at who I am. I try to begin to recognize the grace, the beauty, the wonder & goodness of who I am & who I'm made to be...

It is funny in a depressing, self-destructive kind of way as to how much we limit ourselves by looking only at what we are not instead of looking at who we are. We are made in the image of the divine, we bear His mark, His likeness... & in this we carry the mark of greatness, or simply the mark of being chosen, being loved divinely & limitlessly.... but we live most of our days oblivious to the blinding beauty of who we are, blind to how lavishly we are loved....

.... but it is this subtle shift of moving from looking at what we are not (our curses) to looking at the gift of who we are (our blessings) that the transformation happens.... the divine works in our hearts to draw us to this place, to woo us into seeing ourselves through the eyes of love, but it only really brings change as we start to believe it, as we start to embrace the truth, receive the gift of grace & love....

I had intended this to be a much longer, hopefully more profound rant. But I have spent my day listening to stories of redemption - of lives rescued and of stories of redemption just waiting to unfold. My heart is full of how good God is & for the moment I exist in a trust of His ability & abundant grace to turn stories around & change things in our lives (often I don't trust this, so I'm enjoying this moment of 'faith')....

...it's just beautiful for me to dwell on this idea of how God transforms all that we once thought was our 'curse' & shows us how all of it was blessing all along - all the evil we've done or have had done to us somehow, eventually, gets turned into goodness....

Hymns for wayward Daughters & Sons

"Judas Skin"
by Bill Mallonee of Vigilantes of Love (Slow Dark Train)

What is it you need to hear?
It's on your lips and in your ears
If too much static or unclear
Still He holds you dearly

Hound of heaven on your trail
Keen sense of direction and smell
Knows your need before you do
And when you bleed, He does too

On my own again
On my slow dark train
How is it I am found in my Judas skin spinning down?

What is it you need to know?
You don't already understand?
When You offer me a drink, and I just keep you at arm's length

What is it that I fear?
Why is it I don't trust?
When hiding out becomes career, what am I covering up?

On my own again
On my slow dark train
How is it I am found in my Judas skin spinning down?

What is it you need to find?
Love Your Spirit working overtime
And when I come out of this spin and I see You're still my friend

On my own again
On my slow dark train
How is it I am found in my Judas skin spinning down


"No Alibis"
by Andrew Osenga, The Normals (Coming to Life)

So is this what you wanted
Is this what you tried so hard to be
To play the part of what Id longed for
You'd never prove yourself to me
Its just a wall of glass youve built around you
Cause you and I could be a pair of aces
I've never lost a hand
All it takes is just one word and grace is
Your wish and my command

It's just one word just one sigh
Just one heart with no alibis

I know how clowns are frightening
It seems the smiles have soaked through to their minds
Is this the part where you get scared and run away
On your way out dont forget your lines
Please believe me when I tell you that I love you
'Cuz you and I could be a pair of aces
I've never lost a hand
All it takes is just one word and grace is
Your wish and my command

It's just one word just one sigh
Just one heart with no alibis

And all I have and all I want
And all you can give me
Well I can do without you
I can do without you
I can do without this pain
But love stands in my way

You and I could be a pair of pilgrims
Torn and bruised and full
All it takes is just one word
And a broken heart is beautiful

Just one word one sigh
Just one heart and no alibis
Just one love just one life
Just one mind with no alibis
Just one you just one me just the truth
Cause there is nothing else to see
Just one heart with no alibis
Just let the truth run wild

"We are the Beggars at the Foot of God's Door"
by Andrew Osenga, The Normals (Coming to Life)

We are gathered in cathedrals on a Sunday
We are shrouded in our pride and lusts despair
We have heard that You said to go to where your hearts once were
Trusting wed arrive to find You there

We have known the empty senses of a funeral
We are haunted by the promises of death
We have asked to see Your face and noticed nothing
But a well-timed honest smile from a friend,

Oh we of little faith,
Oh You of stubborn grace
We are the beggars at the foot of Gods door

We have grown cold to the kisses of our lovers
We have rolled the windows up and driven through
The forests of the autumn,
The innocence of snow
The metaphor of Jesus in the dew

We have known the heated passion of the cold night
We have sold ourselves to everything we hate
Were hypocrites and politicians running from a fight
Weve cheated on a very jealous mate,

Oh we of little faith,
Oh You stubborn grace
We are the beggars at the foot of Gods door

We have known the pain of loving in a dying world
And our lies have made us angry at the truth
But Cinderella's slipper fits us perfectly
And somehow were made royalty with You,

Oh we of little faith,
Oh You of stubborn grace
We are the beggars at the foot of Gods door

And You have welcomed us in

Blessings & Curses Pt 4: This is SPARTA!!!

Just back from watching '300'. Sort of planned my evening around it. Headed down to Chinook after work to grab tickets, mail something, get food, shop for some stuff for niece & nephew & then see the movie. Showed up at a little after 5 to find the 7PM IMAX showing was sold out, so debated & then picked up a ticket for the 7:15 showing. The rest of my tasks were over too quickly so I had lots of time to wait in the theatre, which was maybe just as well 'cause the theatre packed out quickly....

.... well worth the watch, well for me anyhow. Fair bit of nudity, tons of violence & gore.... more blood splattered around than I think I've ever seen in a movie. If these things bother you, uhm, maybe don't go.... but if you can stomach such things I'd recommend it.

Definitely a guy's movie, though I was impressed by how many females there were in the theatre - not exactly date movie material in my books, but yeah, unlike the other Frank Miller movie (Sin City), this is a movie I'd recommend to some females (perhaps a select crowd)... As with Sin City, this is very much a boys movie, though while Sin City has nothing really in it worthy of a woman's attention, Queen Gorgo in '300' is a fine example of a warrior bride, a free woman who is more of a man than a number of men in the movie (or in real life)... she makes one compromise in the hopes of helping her husband, but her strength & courage shines through.

The movie is fascinating from a historical perspective. It's a great story & well told/well sculpted... It paints a stark & incredible picture of a wild time in history. The initial parts of the battle are an amazing look at the battle techniques & strategies of the ancient Greeks.

It's a fascinating movie to place in this time in history. In talking with one of my brothers, he mentioned that people were comparing this movie to gulf war stuff & I originally scoffed at it, but I can totally see it now. If this story was told at any other point in my history I would've thought it was just a good story... but it really makes me wonder what was in the minds of Frank Miller & the filmmakers in choosing now to retell this ancient epic when currently the forces of 'democracy', 'freedom', 'liberty' battle against what once was the seat of ancient Babylon & rumors of war with Persia keep cropping up over & over... It terrifies me to think that Mr. Bush will see this as some prophetic vision of his rightness. Though it does inspire me to respect & honor the soldiers who battle in places like Afghanistan & Iraq. Right or wrong, the individuals are, in theory, standing for some ideal.... so maybe I can admire that... or at the very least I can admire someone who has the courage to stand in that place of hell.... Being at work gives an interesting perspective. A number of guys there are ex-military & they have buddies in Afghanistan. You hear much different stories when you talk to them than what you hear on the news. Talking to the guys at work you hear about individuals doing courageous things - both on the battlefield & especially off (there are apparently a lot of soldiers who spend a lot of their off-hours over there building schools & such)....

As expected, the movie stirs me though... it calls out to some part of my soul that longs for battle, for bravery & courage, for violence & brutality... I am a lot of things, writer, artist, feeler, friend, loyal, giver,.... My heart wears so many faces & identities.... but one of the identities it longs to wear is that of warrior.... & perhaps of king...

Movies like this speak to that part of me.... they make my blood burn with passion & make my eyes weep in a lament that we do not see more like Leonidas, weep that I am not more like him....

...leaving the theatre, blood boiling, heart aflame, I wanted to go out & battle, to find adventure, struggle conflict.... what I did was brush the snow off my car, drive home while trying to stay in the lanes & not get killed, drop off cookies with some friends, shovel my walk, unload the dishwasher, pour myself a glass of wine & a bowl of ice cream.... all of this was done with a certain level of ferocity ('cept for scooping the ice cream... it's hard to be ferocious towards ice cream, especially with a name of 'Cherry Blossom')....but yeah, it's not the same....

I don't think I fully understand what it is to be a man. I look at the portrayal of Leonidas & see a true man & wish that I acted more like him. Too often I fear I am like the other 'free greeks' - men who are not soldiers by trade & who live with their fears more than with their courage. I long for battle, but question if my blood turns cold in the heat of the fray.... I wonder what there is to fight in North America, in this land of comfort & excess. I wonder what there is to fight as a Christian, as we are to be a people of peace since our battle is not against flesh & blood, but against evil in spiritual places... In the movie, evil wears many faces - corrupt rulers that proclaim themselves as god. politicians & opportunists who live for their own avarice, people who trade their honor for momentary pleasure & who are cursed by the blessing of 'may you live forever'... perhaps evil comes in the guise of those who do nothing, those who live with apathy or fear... & it is hard to know how to battle these things - to battle ideas or motives instead of flesh & blood warriors.....

.... and what of our Christianity? Should we always live constrained & pacifist? In some ways, yes, but yet we have the Christ flipping over tables, lashing those who would bar free access to God... we have the psalmist say:

"God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods. How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Selah. Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid [them] out of the hand of the wicked. (Psalms 82:1-4)"

and as Job cries:

"Because I delivered the poor that cried, and the fatherless, and [him that had] none to help him. The blessing of him that was ready to perish came upon me: and I caused the widow's heart to sing for joy. I put on righteousness, and it clothed me: my judgment [was] as a robe and a diadem. I was eyes to the blind, and feet [was] I to the lame. I [was] a father to the poor: and the cause [which] I knew not I searched out. And I brake the jaws of the wicked, and plucked the spoil out of his teeth. " (Job 29:12-17)

Tell me if you don't hear some level of violence, or at least forcefulness in these words... Again, I don't think these speak of uprisings & overthrows & killing people, but I think there is some level of this that calls to the warrior in each of us, that cries out for brave men & women who will burn with love for others enough to stand up to the injustices done against them.......

.... on the drive home I thought again of the battle between the idealist & the opportunist in the movie. The idealist is asked to choose 'what would a free man do?' & somewhere in his heart he knows the answer to that question. The opportunist asks, 'what is freedom?', 'what is liberty?', 'What is courage?' & scoffs at them all as concepts that cannot be defined.... and I thought about this in light of a few posts down - that dreams when defined seem to lose their purity.... as a wordsmith, I try to define words like 'freedom', 'truth', 'love'... these are concepts, ideals that I aspire to, but it seems that the definition of these words are elusive... no matter how I bang away at it, the words of description never do justice to define the ideal behind the words.....

....and I think now that, while things like love, freedom, truth, hope, while these things can't be defined, yet our heart of hearts know what the words mean..... oh sure, we can tell ourselves stories & convince ourselves of the lies we live in, but deep down we know what love is... what freedom is.... or maybe more truthfully, we know what it is to feel the absence of love & long for it in it's purist form... & we know what the chains feel like around our souls....

Recently had some friends call out 'words' for me. I 'failed' to speak words over them 'cause I got nothing &, I think, it was as much an exercise in me learning to be comfortable with getting nothing - to recognize that I speak when I am given words & remain silent when I'm not.... but the friends spoke words over me: 'orator', 'guardian', 'lover'.... all of which are words/identities that I doubt & believe in in my own life. The movie calls out again the importance of the orator, of the storyteller... it speaks of the power of inspiration, of how that somehow words, the stories of battle, are very much part of the victory as is the fighting... One man/woman can give his or her life for a cause, but the story of that one can raise up thousands in their stead.... There is great power in story & while Xerxes attempts to block out all memory of Leonidas, it is the story of the '300' that blazes in the heart of ever Greek as they crush Xerxes under their foot....

... have been thinking about how I doubt myself, of how I doubt the story being written in my life.... I no longer fear these doubts. The question of 'who am I?' pushes me to put myself in the crucible again, to sit there in the night, in the solitude, roasting my being over the open flame... In the fire, the dross is removed, the true worth is shown, burning ever purer within the furnace of flame.... I trust more & more the Christ who indwells me & whose heart burns through me... His flame is an unquenchable one, the fires of love unfettered & limitless, unconditional & wild. His story is the one that speaks & inspires, it is His word that becomes flesh in me.... & so I burn....

Stranger than Fiction

Have had another couple of very quiet days. Yesterday (Friday) was 'quiet' 'cause I spent a chunk of it in a sedated state.... went to the dentist to get a couple of teeth turned into crowns (well, the teeth get turned to stubs & then they put the crowns on top... right now they're rough, funny tasting plasticky bits masquerading as teeth...both of them drive my tongue crazy as it, over & over again, is drawn to investigate these new occupants of my mouth....) Did the sedation dentistry thing, so I was right out (well, cept for the wild dentist-like dreams - the frantic part of me trying to tell them I'm more awake than i should be & feeling things in my mouth & being asked to 'bite down!!' on things....) . My wonderful friend Sharon went above & beyond the call of duty in babysitting me & making sure I was looked after & wasn't going to fall over or injure myself from feeling woozy from the after effects of the medication. It was nice to be looked after, though I'm not very good at it. She had to tell me to sit down a number of times instead of me getting up to get something or serve in some way....

Sharon woke me up at 4PM, the 'operation' ended at around 12:30 & I'd slept pretty much from then on. The rest of the day was spent chatting & watching movies & nibbling on food...

Today was another extra quiet day. Kept life still to just rest & to ensure the after effects had fully worn off before venturing out. Ended up not venturing out much at all... spent a quiet day watching a movie, fiddling with G.I. Joe figures & taking a long bath... Only ventured out to the airport to share a quick (er) supper with my wonderful friend Rachel & to enjoy rich conversation with her & then back to my hidey hole to watch 'Syriana' (which I didn't understand at first & then didn't want to understand at the end - freaky movie - really good, but freaky)....

And yeah, the other common thread from the last two days - other than rest & quiet, valued friends & watching movies, was watching the movie 'Stranger than Fiction'. Watched it on Friday night with Sharon & then watched it again tonight 'cause I'd promised David I'd watch it with him. I really value this movie & wanted to share it with both Sharon & David & yeah, you can tell a rich movie when you watch it two nights in a row & you're still on the edge of your seat in breathless anticipation & still moved by a story that grows ever more complex the more I watch it....

... but yeah, am inspired by the movie, both last night & tonight, to bake... Was planning to bake cookies today, but Sharon's planning to come 'round again tomorrow night & so figured I'd save the fresh from the oven cookie experience to be shared with a wonderful friend. It's been a long, long time since I've made cookies.... I'm thinking about the old family recipes - oatmeal chocolate chip & spice cookies - these are the cookies I most remember from childhood. I remember many a time helping mom make these & then later making them more independently... the way you mixed ingredients & shaped & formed the dough into balls (& the way a lot of the dough was 'sampled' before it could get made into a cookie).... my mouth waters remembering the feel of fresh from the oven cookies - the warmth & gooey goodness as they melt against your tongue...

....so it's my sole goal tomorrow to bake cookies. Two double batches of cookies... I'm not sure of why, or if there's ramifications... maybe it's just one of those obsessive compulsive moments that I get into... or maybe just one more creative thing... something to connect past to present... celebrations of simple things... or, as hinted by the movie, maybe it's just one more of those everyday things that is there to save our lives....

Blessings & Curses Pt 3: Unpredictable

Started the day off today (after the weekly phone call to my folks) with some 'Rage Against the Machine' & the thoughts from last post working through m y head. Though about how raging against the machine maybe doesn't do anything unless you take action....

...headed to church, saw '300' advertised on a billboard by McMahon stadium on the way down. Was practically vibrating through church. Very much all on edge, looking for action, looking, well, to pick a fight in some ways. It was likely a good thing that Cheri M was leading worship today. I was looking for some excuse to rage against the machine, but as I've mentioned before, I trust her as a worship leader; a true heart who is there not for her glory, but simply to be the vessel that points to God, or, maybe more acurately, just pour out her heart in worship...

...so the overflow of energy got diverted into the songs. Each song became declaration of war, recognizing God's Kingship & rule over all (which made me think of Kings in exile & how the majority of the world doesn't want God as sovereign & He doesn't force Himself on them)... but yeah, sung myself hoarse....

...managed to sit still & not explode during the two messages today... in between the two messages one of the leaders asked if anyone was hearing anything from God about what they should do. I wanted to pipe up & say that I thought we should go for lunch - 'cause I was hungry, it was past noon & I was hoping that lunch would bring about some point of contact or some 'mission' of being able to have some kind of 'action' in touching people's lives in some way.... but I chickened out. Figured lunch wasn't spiritual enough & my tummy was maybe rumbling louder in my ears than it should & maybe others had real reasons from God to stay there.... few others voiced anything & we ended up with a 2nd sermon for the day... nothing horrible, just another 20 minute delay before the clean-up process.

Wanted to add unpredictability to my day & ended up helping Cheri take her keyboard home (it fit in my car better than it fit in her already near full car). So dropped it off there & was in the SW so went to Moxie's 'cause that seemed sort of less predicable than what I'd had planned.... ordered a lovely painted turtle shiraz (yummy red wine... really liked the flavours on this one) & the chicken enchiladas & read some more in Azar Nafisi's "Reading Lolita in Tehran". I've been berating myself for how slowly I've been making it through this book, but felt a bit better about it today as so much of what I read on her thoughts on 'The Great Gatsby' & the 'fall' (or 'rise' depending on your perspective) of Iran into full Islamic based control...

This may make more sense in context & I very much recommend the book. Not a fast read, but an incredible look into Iran & it's history & people. It really shows so much of just what they've gone through & are going through & how not everyone thinks the same way over there....

But some quotes from chapter 21 of "The Great Gatsby" section that spoke to me:

"Gatsby fakes everything, even his own name. .... yet what Gatsby inspires is curiosity tinged with awe. The reality of Gatsby's life is that he is a charlatan. But the truth is that he is a romantic and tragic dreamer, who becomes heroic because of his belief in his own romantic delusion.

Gatsby cannot tolerate the shabbiness of his life. He has an "extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness," and "some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life." He cannot change the world, so he re-creates himself according to his dream. Let's see how Nick explains this: 'Jay Gatsby of West Egg, Long Island, sprang form his Platonic conception of himself. he was a son of God - a phrase which, if it means anything, means just that - and he must be about his Father's business, teh service of a vast, vulgar and meretricious [alluring] beauty. So he invented just the sort of Jay Gatsby that a seventeen-year-old boy would be likely to invent, and to this conception he was faithful to the end.'

...... The dream, however, remains incorruptible and it extends beyond Gatsby and his personal life. it exists in a broader sense in the city, in New York itself, and the East, the harbor that once became the dream of hundreds of thousands of immigrants and is now the mecca of Midwestereners, who came to it in search of a new life and thrills. While the city evokes enchanted dreams and half-promises, in reality it harbors shabby love affairs and relationships such as Tom and Myrtle's. The city, like Daisy, has in it a promise, a mirage that when reached becomes debased and corrupted. The city is the link between Gatsby's dream and the American dream. The dream is not about money but what he imagines he can become. It is not a comment on America as a materialistic country but as an idealistic one, one that has turned money into a means of retrieving a dream. There is nothing crass here, or the crassness is so mingled with the dream that it becomes very difficult to differentiate between the two. In the end the best ideals and the most sordid of realities all come together....

.... He could be dishonest in life and he could lie about himself, but one thing he could not do was to betray his own imagination. Gatsby is ultimately betrayed by the "honesty of his imagination." He dies, for in reality no such person can survive.

....[the novel] is also about loss, about the perishability of dreams once they are transformed into hard reality. It is the longing, it's immateriality, that makes the dream pure."

Somewhere in the reading of this, I caught the sounds of Bruce Cockburns' "Lovers in Dangerous Times" being played through the restaurant & I began to weep....

"Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by
You never get to stop and open your eyes
One day you're waiting for the sky to fall
The next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This vibrant skin -- this hair like lace
Spirits open to the thrust of grace
Never a breath you can afford to waste
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Sometimes you're made to feel as if your love's a crime --
But nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight --
Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
And we're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time "

The rest of my day was perhaps predictable. Oil change, car wash, home to rest, nap, watch TV, eat, tidy, bath.... but kept thinking on these things... so what does it all mean? Should we pursue dreams? Do they fall apart when we reach them? Can we change things? Maybe I should become a charlatan, turn my life into a big drama & become fool & spectacle... Maybe I should grow into a modern Don Quixote, seeing dragons where others see windmills & pure princesses where others see putrid prostitutes.... Would that insanity bring inspiration? Make people scoff & jeer & yet look into their own hearts & find that longing for something more, that hunger for dreams long forgotten or buried in the push to build a retirement package or pay a mortgage or to just afford that next meal.... Would any of it make a difference? In the 'Man of La Mancha', Quixote's life changes Aldonza to Dulcinea, his insanity helps her see the beauty of her own heart, the reality that she is worthy of love & this transforms her for eternity... Is that enough for me? If in my life I affect only one human soul, will that be sufficient or will the hunger for change, the drive of the dream, keep me chasing always something more....

....and yeah, I have been told (through Anne Lamott's & Madeline L'Engle's books) that the writer, the artist, the creative, must be 'faithful to the work'... Each 'creation' somehow comes from beyond us & we cannot figure the piece/project out before hand, we much let it evolve into whatever it is going to become. Trying to hold it to a rigid ideal will destroy the work - it will become contorted & contrived & have no real value (other than a sample from which to learn from our mistakes & practice our craft).... but to truly create means to listen to the piece, to try to hear & see what is being created......Maybe I should stop trying to find the one key that will bring the darkness crashing down, but instead remind myself to keep kicking at it & waiting for the cracks to appear....

...at the end of the day (& I use this phrase knowingly), I've thought again that I just need to be 'faithful to the work' in letting my life story play out as it will... there are things I can consciously change & improve, but there is a story being written for me that I need to listen to & follow.... You can claim it's God writing the story, that everything is controlled by His hand, or destiny or fate. You can say that it's the limitations of my environment, personality, genetics, etc. that bind me to choices, whatever you want to say, I figure that I am being created as much as I am creating.... I'm being chosen as much as I'm making the choices... and so I want to be faithful to the creative process in my life... to live in the moment & try to listen to what direction the 'work' is going.... I can't figure it all out before hand & then try to move towards making something happen (maybe, as hinted at in the book, trying to reach this rigid idea of the dream ends up killing the dream in the end). I need to live in the continual now & let myself shape & be shaped....

The Grand Inquisitor: Essential Parable for our times

I keep recommending this story to people. Few read it 'cause it's long & not easy to understand.... It's one of the true-er & most terrifying stories I've read & it explains so much of the history of the church (& government) over the last number of centuries.... It's the parable of the Grand Inquisitor in the Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky. You can find it online here:

http://www.ccel.org/ccel/dostoevsky/karamozov/formats/karamozov.txt

Search for "The Grand Inquisitor" & you'll find the section I'm talking about.

This is such a relevant topic for our time, or any time, & shows one more example of how & why we've traded off freedom for safety... & given up choice, responsibility, growth, being our own people, for the sake of being happy & contented...

The passage terrifies me & mostly makes me wonder how much I'm part of the problem instead of part of the solution, part of the disease instead of part of the cure....

Blessings & Curses Part 2: Effects of Pop Culture

Took today to 'turtle' - to stay at home & relax. Paint G.I. Joes, watch TV, make waffles, rest.... went out long enough to start getting my license renewed & to pick up a few groceries & things. But otherwise it was time at home.

Throughout the day had various bits of pop-culture helping direct my thoughts. Finished reading the Marvel Comics 'Civil War' series. It's been running from the summer on. In the story a group of heroes try to take down a villain who causes a major catastrophe that kills a school full of children. This sparks public outrage & the government quickly passes an act that all superheroes have to register with the government, reveal their secret identities, receive training & act as agents of the government. Some heroes sign up quickly & back the government & public opinion & decide that it's right to be registered as human weapons. Others feel it's an invasion of privacy, a restriction of free speech & a taking away their rights. This causes a huge split in the Marvel comics universe & leads to many, many books of hero fighting hero - mostly in an attempt to suck in fan boys like myself to spend lots of money buying various Civil War tie in comics.....

.... the story ends (assuming of course that the rest of you sane people aren't going to ever want to read these things) with a huge battle that destroys part of New York. In a pivotal moment in the battle, Captain America, champion of rights & freedoms & leader of the anti-registration side, is battling Iron Man, champion of the pro-registration side, & Cap ends up being attacked by a bunch of average guys. Cap pleads with them that he's fighting for them & their rights & they tell him that he's not 'cause the battle is wrecking the city & Cap sees this & surrenders, refusing to put any more people in harms way & feeling that he's gone astray in his quest to fight for personal freedoms 'cause he's now hurting those he's sworn to protect. Later Cap is lambasted in an interview with a reporter who was previously one of his strongest supporters & who now berates him that he's fighting for an america that doesn't exist. She asks him if he knows what MySpace is or who won the last American Idol. She tries to show him that he doesn't know what america is really like anymore & she sums up her argument by saying:

"Your problem is that you're fighting for an ideal -- it's all you know how to do. America is no longer about mom & apple pie... it's about high cholesterol and Paris Hilton and scheming your way to the top. The country I love treats its celebrities like royalty and its teachers like dirt. But at least i walk its streets every day. At least I know what it is."

& then later in the book, the same reporter ends up applauding Iron Man for manipulating circumstances, causing crises, using villains to murder people to stir things up... all for the sake of causing fear/crises that would make people want to embrace the pro-registration side as the only way to keep the peace & stay 'safe'....

This has bothered me for the rest of the day.... I felt betrayed by the conclusion to the story. I know, I know, the story will go on & the folks at Marvel comics will use this to sell more books & create more stories & make more money off of the controversy or the unknown of all the changes... but yeah, I sort of don't care or have the money to find out. I felt like the writers were being irresponsible with this conclusion, though in reality it doesn't matter. The writers write to sell the books &, hopefully, also to tell story. The story has made me think, moved me (made me mad), etc. So this is all the qualities of good story telling that you've connected with your audience in some way... but yeah, being an idealist, this is not the conclusion I was looking to hear.

Spent a lot of the rest of the day wondering if anyone wants to be saved any more.... Saved from what? Well, I don't know... here in North America we live a safe life. We live 'free'. We have our restrictions, sure. We pay taxes, we keep the law, we work our 9 to 5 & shovel our walks & keep our neighborhoods clean & happy. We are free to work, to earn, to buy what we want, go where we will, do what we want. We can read anything, say anything. We live 'free' here, so what do we need saving from?

But somehow still, our souls are choked by fear. We live in a society that speaks constantly of fear... Fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of being unlovely, unloved, fear of not having enough. And so we live in this fear that calls us to hoard, to barricade ourselves in houses & urban assault vehicles (SUVs) & build up RRSPs & portfolios & to provide 'cushions' & 'buffers' for ourselves. So much of our consumer society is driven by this fear. Most of our advertising slogans speak subtly that we will not be enough/have enough unless we get this or that product... and there are so many distractions to keep us occupied, distracted, medicated.... we try to protect ourselves from feeling... we keep running on the treadmill to try to stay happy, to stay one step ahead of the things that pull at the corners of our minds, the depression, the sadness, the great expanse of endless longing.... we numb these voices because they mess with our sense of 'freedom', of security of satisfaction &, if they ran rampant, would point out that we are living hollow lives in a hollow shell of society.....

... watched the trailer for '300' sometime later in the day. It gives me goosebumps... there is something about it - 300 men standing as free people to fight a losing battle against a million... Watching the trailer made me want to scream out "This is SPARTA!!" & kick people down wells.... watching the trailer brought up all kinds of violent thoughts... wanting to get into a fight for the sake of fighting, for the sake of feeling something.... for testing mettle, for finding out if you are really 'enough' deep down... when really all you feel like is that you're some pansy engineer with more flab than muscle & who wouldn't know the first thing about brawling, let alone staring down an army of a million strong....

....been thinking about the movie Ghost Rider (more on that later) & the line about those who sell their soul for love can change the world (likely bad theology there, but whatever). The caretaker in the movie says this & then goes on to say that becoming cursed for the sake of love is doing something for the right reasons... that losing all for love maybe puts God on your side & this, the caretaker says, makes you "unpredictable"....

Today in the parking lot of safeway with thoughts of Sparta on my mind, I so longed to be unpredictable; to do something 'off the radar'... something unexpected. In Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird" she speaks that this is where the story becomes interesting, powerful, when the characters suddenly do things outside of what is normal for them. It's these sudden twists & turns that really moves the plot along, that changes the story from something routine & brings the story to a point of crisis - some place where character is revealed or established....

But yeah, nothing too out of the ordinary came. I chose to stay home instead of going out with friends. Chose solitude & rest instead of companionship & the unknown possibilities. Why? 'cause I felt like it. In an odd sense, staying home is confronting fears (though maybe embracing others).... Staying home instead of going out makes me a 'loser'.... I have nothing to do on a Saturday night but be by myself... heading out with friends makes me feel like i'm active, like I have a social life, like I'm a somebody. Maybe I'll meet people, Maybe I'll meet a girl. Maybe I'll find some moment of destiny, some revelation of who I am or what I'm here for.... and so all of these thoughts of possibilities whirl through my head & my gut/heart says 'stay home' & rest. & so choosing home means choosing to trust what my heart wants instead of listening to the voices of not-enough telling me what I'm missing out on by running to the next thing.... (again, not to say that time with friends is 'bad' - it's the heart motivation out of fear that's the sketchy bit that I have to fight against).

So watched 'Demolition Man' tonight to help fill my quota of violence & mayhem... But again, the same message is there. The tension between safety vs. risk, security vs. freedom. The movie paints a picture of a society that, out of fear, out of seeing chaos & bloodshed, decides to turn itself over to a higher power of government that will solve everything for them & give them safety & security in exchange for personal freedoms....

.... so much of life right now - in North America & in my own heart - is this battleground. Life is in the living. Living involves change & risk & choice - there is suffering, failure, brutality, danger in life & the only way to have the stuff that really matters, the things that make life rich, we have to fight for them in some way or another- they don't just seem to fall in our lap... but it's so much easier to live the security, to work hard to be 'safe' instead of being alive... & so often we trade off our freedom, our ability to choose, & hand it to someone else to make decisions for us... we do this with government. We do this especially in the church... again, we don't take responsibility for ourselves, we instead look to others to guide us, lead us.... and yeah, that somehow always leads to chains....

& so we live in this tension.... safety vs. risk, security vs. freedom.... both are blessing & curse rolled into one & living with the tension is doubly so... too many days I live like any other sheepy.... far too compliant..... God I long for being unpredictable (though am terrified of it at the same time).....