Notes to Self

Mmmmm... clarity.... tastes good.....

Remind me again that I need to write some stuff about authority. Such as:
- my personal kingship - sword/dream/need for community
- progression of the Shekinah glory from maybe creation to the pillar of cloud/fire to solomon's temple, to Ezekiel to the christmas star to the flaming tongues in Acts 2. Remember to talk about Christ in you the hope of glory & what that actually means.
- Authority is maybe when we are fully us & act out of the truth of who we really are, not who we're told we are.... stuff like that

Clarity - maybe - finally

My evening's gone sort of sideways from what was planned. Was hoping to get home early, blog & then run some errands. But flipped the order & so am just sitting down now to jot down some thoughts. Blogger seems to be unco-operative at present, so this may not make it onto the web until sometime later....

The advantage though of being a writer/creative is that a lot of the creative process happens in your head... so in the middle of all my shopping tonight, this blog entry has changed about 10 or 12 different times & what is listed here is much, much different than what it would've been if I'd sat down to write earlier in the day. Earlier in the night, it was all fuming & confusion.... now I'm actually pretty much at rest & feeling reasonably good about being me. Maybe it's just late & I'm tired from shopping/cleaning, but yeah, the angst is gone & I'm feeling free-er than I have in the last number of days.... I feel less hunted, less pursued by my fears & just more at peace....

.... the summary of it all (will maybe try to fill in details later, but this is abbreviated 'cause of the time of night): I live with the fear that deep down there is something wrong with me. That there is something unlovely & unlovable at the core of me & this leads to all kinds of other fears & neuroses. Ultimately, at the core of me (& maybe everyone) is a baby, child, teenager, adult who stands there asking "do you love me?" "do you want me?" And the fears & lies tell us/me that the answer will always, ever be 'no'....

.... and so, from living in this expectation, it's so easy to believe any voice that confirms the lies & so hard to believe any voice that speaks to the contrary.

Lately the struggle has been weeks of up & down emotions. The emotions have fluctuated wildly, even for me & I've been concerned that something's going wrong with me; that my tenuous grip on sanity is finally slipping... I've been looking at everything to figure out what's going wrong & how to fix it & I've been living in this fog, longing for clarity, but finding none... Got some stuff on Saturday night & thought I'd understood what was going on, but now I've got a completely different interpretation (which may still embrace the old thoughts, but that's for whenever the details get filled in)....

....the first real lift in this was Lisa's comments on my last blog post. I don't know what it is about me, maybe this is true for all people, or maybe just the needy ones, but there are moments where it changes everything when I realize that someone else (and especially people who I respect & whose journey I trust) is going through the same thing as I am. Suddenly I don't feel alone. I feel validated. I feel that I am somehow given permission to just 'be' instead of needing to fit in with my perceptions of what others consider 'normal' or 'together'.....

The second lift came 3/4 of the way through my day at work. Was listening to Skillet's new 'Comatose' album. I picked this up on my last visit (dual meaning there) to Christian Publications. I was mostly oblivious to the album, enjoying the crunchy guitars as I fought through sorting out scattered information in various spreadsheets. Part way through the album I hit this song:

Better Than Drugs - lyrics by John L. Cooper & Brian Howes
Feel your every heartbeat / Feel you on these empty nights / Calm the ache, stop the shakes / You clear my mind / You’re my escape / From this messed up place / ‘Cause you let me forget / You numb my pain / How can I tell you just all that you are / What you do to me

You’re better than drugs / your love is like wine / Feel you comin’ on so fast / Feel you comin’ to get me high / You’re better than drugs / addicted for life / Feel you comin’ on so fast / Feel you comin’ on to get me high

Feel you when I’m restless / Feel you when I cannot cope / You’re my addiction, my prescription, my antidote / You kill the poison / ease the suffering / calm the rage when I’m afraid / To feel again / How can I tell you just all that you are / What you do to me

You’re better than drugs / your love is like wine / Feel you comin’ on so fast / Feel you comin’ to get me high / You’re better than drugs / addicted for life / Feel you comin’ on so fast / Feel you comin’ on to get me high

Feel your every heartbeat / Feel you on these empty nights / You’re the strength of my life

You’re better than drugs / your love is like wine / Feel you comin’ on so fast / Feel you comin’ to get me high / You’re better than drugs / addicted for life / Feel you comin’ on so fast / Feel you comin’ on to get me high

I should hate this song. It's so much a 'poster child' song for so much of the christian ghetto/subculture. I mean, how often have we heard this message, "Jesus is better than drugs", "be high on life, not drugs", "Jesus can take away the pain".... there are so many empty platitudes thrown out there by Christian parents who are scared to death that they'll lose their kids to the big, bad world out there & they come up with these slogans in a hope that they'll make Jesus 'cooler' than the other subcultures found in the schools & society. Contemporary christian music & often times especially the 'alternative' Christian music is another example of this. The mass Christian marketing machine (which half the time is led by non-Christians) go, "Let's prey on the fear of Christian parents. Let's give their kids a band that sounds like a carbon copy of another 'secular' band, but they'll say 'Jesus' every three words instead of the f-word. And then let's charge twice as much for the CD 'cause they're a captive audience & sell the music in only Christian bookstores to help further consolidate our market share for this demographic & guarantee they'll keep coming back for more of the same schlock."

yeah, I'm not cynical at all, eh? & yeah, I maybe shouldn't be as cynical where Skillet is concerned. The fact that I bought the album shows that I at least kind of trust Skillet as a band with something to say. Every interview I hear with John Cooper I'm continually convinced that he is a really kind & genuine guy who really believes in what he's doing & does what he's doing to try to bring some kind of message of hope to hurting kids. This is a heart I can get behind & hope Skillet's music keeps getting out there for years to come & that good things come from it in spite of the things I despise with the Christian mass-marketing machines...

But again, this song should be the poster child for everything I despise with Christian media... but hearing the song today, I just started to weep & weep - full on tears & shaking, my shoulders slumping in exhaustion (again, another one of those awkward work crying moments). I've been tired today. Not enough sleep & really sore from skiing (my neck hurts - which I think is from the multiple falls I took on the hill). The stress of being afraid of losing my brain, the stress of being afraid of losing friendships has been weighing on me harder than I'd like to admit. And so the song speaks into the broken places & whispers, like Lisa's words, that I'm maybe more normal than I figure....

... my skin burns every time I hear Dar's words in the song "Teen for God" (see a number of posts below) about being a lightning rod, a radio station - about this place of where in giving yourself to God, you end up losing yourself & enter this near terrifying place where something else takes control.... the lines in the 'better than drugs' song about Jesus 'coming on so fast' has a similar effect - it's this place where you realize how much in love you maybe are & how much this removes your control of your own life, leaves you on this roller-coaster of unknowns where sanity & safety are never a guarantee & every moment is full of risk - this last bit sounds like my skiing experience - and yet (unlike skiing), it's something that gets (more or less) willingly submitted to.... all saints, all disciples sooner or later join with Peter in the heartbreaking confession of, "where else can we go?! only you have the words of eternal life"

The third & maybe final lift came in the Wal-mart parking lot after a few hours of shopping & writing & rewriting a blog entry in my head. I realized that the only thing significantly different about my emotional state lately was that I was having more happy moments & moments where the happiness/joy is approaching some near-ecstatic state (maybe not quite ecstasy, but pretty dang good). I've still got the random lows, the random moments of feeling lonely, empty, longing. The only difference is that now my 'ups' & so much more frequent & so much higher that it feels like I'm on a worse roller-coaster ride because the fluctuations are higher.

This is sort of good news... at least in my mind... I'm tempted to draw wave diagrams to explain, but yeah, we'll leave that... but yeah, I'm thinking that maybe this is a pretty good problem to have to deal with: I have to get used to being happy, really happy, more often... all in all, that's not a 'problem', that's a gift....

...and I just didn't see it until now...... so yeah, feeling pretty good about things right now...

P.S.

Sometime after the post last night, I remembered that I'd told God a few weeks back that He could take the reins of my emotions. At the time I wasn't quite so confident that I knew what I was doing with my emotions & so i figured I'd do the experiment of handing the emotions over to Him to see what He'd do with them....

... it's funny how that we (or at least I) always assume that when we surrender something to God that He will then take on on a safe & even path, always, ever upwards on this constantly improving road to the pinnacles of glory. We/I forget that no where in the Bible or life or anything does God promise to be safe, or to really even give us safety. He promises to protect, shelter, love us, but this may not be the same as our naive concepts of safety.

And so my emotional state fluctuates wildly over the last number of weeks. I find myself very 'in the moment' with what I'm experiencing. And in this, the 'sane' part of me freaks out 'cause I've been told somewhere that people shouldn't go up & down like this unless there's some kind of imbalance. But now that I think about it again, if I somehow believe that God took me at my word in giving Him the reins/control, then maybe living in the moment, experiencing the full weight of whatever emotional response to the moment that there is, maybe this is exactly where I need to be....

People pleasing

Realized tonight that I'm falling into the trap again of evaluating myself based on my perceptions of how people see me. Starting to ease back into community again is weird for me. I pulled away from people & community & the church, well, for many reasons, but partly it was to help get my head on straight & get me to the place of being happy being me. period. It has been a long process of learning to live with the identity of "the beloved of Christ" & realize that it doesn't matter how I'm viewed, this is an identity that (in reality) cannot be shaken... but yeah, starting to wonder if in slipping back into community, I've traded in that for the hopes that people will like me... (and they do, I'm just paranoid).

So yeah, maybe the up & down I've been feeling with my internal emptions is just readjustment of getting used to being around people again -- though I'm sure it's lots more than that. There's a sense of upheaval internally, like the continents of my soul are moving again, & I don't know what it all means or where it's going, but I feel change in me & this rather uncontrolled sense of up& down emotions (which has been worrying me a bit again), is maybe just a part of that & months from now I'll be able to look back & go, "oh yeah, that was what I was learning here, I don't understand why i didn't see that before.... ". But that little observation will be some time later...

John talks about how that anyone can say they love God, but they're liars if they say this & then don't love their brother. I think there is a reality that our spirituality is shown so much in the arena of human interaction, how we treat others. It's easy for me to hang on to my 'identity in Christ' when I'm not around other people, when I don't feel others expectations on me, or have pretty girls comment on how my collection of G.I. Joes & not-so-clean house are likely 'blocking' female relationships in my life (which they may be for all I know, but it's not the point :) )

Today was an interesting identity day: Had my performance review at work. My management used it as a time to provide 'constructive criticism' for me. Mostly it showed the lack of relationship between management & myself & I felt very much like they hadn't "seen" me in the year... I could've let the review mess me up, it was only a slightly positive review & I was sort of expecting more after the year I had last year. The review bothered me, but it was mostly just one more confirmation that I'm not made for this working world of engineering....

...then I had my chance to give a review to another employee & spent a lot of time talking with him about his core person vs. how he's perceived by what he does & how he could manage people's opinions/expecatations of him. If I was a fly on the wall listening to me talk, it would've either been a really disjointed conversation or something with a fair bit of wisdom in it... hard to say & hard to say what got across to the guy. But mostly it was advice saying that you can kill yourself for the company & maybe have people respect you more, or you can just live your life, run your own race, play your own game & let people think what they want to think.....

...and yeah, I've been worried about how others view 'my race'... & should stop that 'cause it's silly....

... so yeah, easier said here than done in the face of people, but it's something to be aware of & to work through, like everything else.

Was thinking that the next month is coming up soon & I want to make more changes in my life in Feb.... hrm, what to change?

Another interesting identity bit: Was killing time before going to my roommate Dan's birthday supper & wandering into Christian Publications down town.... (local Christian retailer) & yeah, wandered around for a tiny bit & left not that much after. On the way out, I just had the sense that there is nothing there for me anymore. I used to spend a lot of time there - haven't been there in a long time & it'll likely be longer before I'm back. Just being there made me see afresh that my tastes have changed, in music, in books, in culture. I'm wanting to escape the traps of drab & choking christian suburbia - the safety of our christian culture bubble... the stuff that really speaks to me now comes from wherever (like last night, listening to a Sufi poet) &, I'm not saying that christians don't speak to me 'cause they definitely do. It's that the mass-market Christianity, the safe & nicely packaged stuff, doesn't appeal at all to me anymore....

...anyhow, suffice it to say, this was an interesting revelation & for at least a number of minutes after this realization, I felt the fog over my head lift for a while.

blah, blah blah... that's the observations for the day.

Shared voices

Well, yeah, I should likely go to bed instead of writing, but I've gotten into a habit of ending my day with this, so maybe it's good to continue.... the juxtaposition of this being my private thoughts in a public forum is starting to get to me 'cause as I write more, more of the internals come out, the good & the not so good & I'm starting to fall into the trap of wanting to be impressive again... I sort of want people to like me & to think I'm like, maybe sane, & maybe a really great guy & as I spin off into really talking through the stuff that goes on in my heart, well, I'm not so sure I can claim sanity or having it together anymore....

...maybe one day I'll fully shuffle over to being 100% convinced that I'm loved as I am... honestly, I'm way closer to that being a reality than it was in the past, but I still struggle with it.

And yeah, I find today that I have internal rumblings that just can't be shared in a public forum... so yeah....

... got more sleep last night & was more alert & happier today. Car got fixed. The 'sway bar' on the car broke in half. I didn't know what a 'sway bar' was & still am not so sure, but $500 later, my car doesn't make the nasty falling apart noises anymore, so I'm happy....

...or at least I was... after work, got out on the road to kill time before stuff got started at the community house. Went to A&B sound to look for music from artists from the Before the Music Dies videos. Picked up a CD by the Roots & another by David Gray (isn't on the video but gets mentioned). Saw some of Erykah Badu's CDs, but I'm already working through one of hers that I found at the 2nd hand shop (along with a Doyle Bramhall II CD). They didn't have any of Doyle's CD in the store & this sort of left me vaguely upset.... in the B4MD documentary, you really get to see this guy's story of moving from being the heir apparent to obscurity & depression & the walking-death of an artist who has lost hope, vision & belief in themselves & then you see him built up at the end of the show & receiving accolades from legends like Eric Clapton... you see in his story that he is, as Erykah describes, one of the 'first kind' of artists - one who experiences pain to do what he does. The first artists are the ones where their art nearly kills them. They have to create, but no one gets it & so they spend a tremendous amount of time in life-support - this near-death place where they feel so desolate in their creativity & then get these moments of inspiration only to have it crash down again & then they keep trying & keep waiting for that wave of inspiration to hit again & yeah, they persevere through it, not 'cause they really want to, it's just that something inside drives them on & they can't resist it....

& since the car was fixed, I could now listen to the radio, so had it tuned into CKUA to catch some more independent, listener supported radio. On the drive over to the community house, I caught a piece that was interviewing Joni Mitchell. As part of it she made mention of how she has now 45 open tunings that she uses in her songs & she describes how the complexity of her chords are made to mirror the complexity of her emotions. "My joy", she says, "is never fully complete. There is always a little dissonance in it." (or something to that effect, she says it better)....

... I missed large chunks of the next 10 minutes of the drive thinking about that & realizing how much that one statement 'fits' me & explains things in me. I feel not so alone in this because, hey, Joni seems to have the same complex emotions apparently - joy that is always touched by a tear (to borrow a line from David Ruis), sadness that is never complete despair, always a thread of hope running through it....

...but what this resulted in was that I was in sort of psuedo-depression by the time I hit the house. It's odd lately. I've maybe been thinking too much, I've been in a low mood pretty much every time I've been at the community house (or my house for that matter, I guess)... but yeah, c'est la vie....

In leaving the house, I heard this poem by Rumi read over the radio and again, it somehow explained a part of my spirituality that I have not been able to find words to describe for years:

Love Dogs by Rumi

One night a man was crying,
Allah! Allah!
His lips grew sweet with the praising,
until a cynic said,

"So! I have heard you
calling out, but have you ever
gotten any response?"
The man had no answer to that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick, green foliage.
"Why did you stop praising?"
"Because I’ve never heard anything back."

"This longing you express is the return message."
The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness
that wants help
is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
that whining is the connection.
There are love-dogs
no one knows the names of
Give your life
to be one of them.

This for me reflects the power of art. I've felt for years that my spirituality, my prayers, my heart are defective 'cause I'm not getting that answer, that response from the heavens. That was the torture for me at the gathering was this sense that everyone else was getting a 'response' from God except for me & from it, I felt very, very isolated & like God didn't like me... That's been mostly worked through (I'm maybe still bitter in some places), but for the most part, my spirituality has grown through that & I really like God & am less mad at Him & more caught in just longing for him.

So tonight, listening to this poem read over the radio, my eyes well up with tears & it almost feels too good to be true & so I resist the reality, that maybe I am not defective & aberrant, maybe I know something that some medieval poet knew & maybe if he knew it, too, maybe I'm not so alone/odd...

It's amazing how healing connection is, how much it helps to hear someone tell a story & you feel like they are speaking your story back to you. It is so freeing to feel understood, even for a moment.... we long to be known... by someone, anyone. We most of all long to be known by those closest to us, but there are days where we're OK with connecting with a stranger, so long as someone 'knows' us...

...and yeah, maybe this is why I get to share my less than impressive stories here. Why I get to articulate struggle & fumbling & searching for something which I don't know what it is exactly, nor where to find it, but I'm looking....

Anger & loss

Well, for a while there I was figuring it would be a quick post tonight. Figured I could sum up the whole day in one word:

Snarl!!

Woke up tired, dragged into work at 9 & was met by a flood of activity. I was chased off my feet & running constantly until 12:40 when I was able to call a couple of friends briefly & then back on the run until 4:30 with a tiny bit of food crammed in there.

It was a day full of dealing with twits. Kept getting last minute things from managers saying "oh, I'm supposed to put this together, but you've been doing the work, so can you put this together for me & oh, by the way it's due today or in a few hours". Then ended up in a meeting where this guy wasted 45 minutes of my life by going on & on about how this one thing was wrong & the process was wrong & this & that was wrong & needed to be fixed. After 37 minutes of presenting roadblock after roadblock & finally convincing the room to completely revamp the way something was done, he then decided that, while the new process was the 'ideal' process in his mind, that it was going to take way too much work to implement in the short timeframes we're dealing with & so we ought to just stick with the status quo.

... the funny thing was I could see this coming within the first 2 minutes of him opening his mouth. I'm looking at him thinking he's just doing this as an ego boost that he's 'fighting the man' & changing the process. So I tried to tune him out. Got a paper reviewed while he was going blah, blah, blah... but then ran out of work to do & was thinking about trying to get away to call a friend about other friends & this guy would not shut up. So I contemplated threatening him in the middle of the meeting, or challenging him to present solutions instead of problems, but figured that might look like harassment. Then I thought about catching him in the hallway after the meeting & beating the crap out of him, but figured that would also likely get me fired. Then spent the rest of the meeting contemplating the physics of picking up one of the meeting room tables & hitting him with it... Figured I could probably use my midsection to leverage the table into the air & could then get enough moment to sort of throw/drop it on him. Maybe couldn't actually use the table like a big hammer, but I could hopefully hurt him with it....

...but yeah, I restrained myself (sort of).

...I hate myself when I'm angry... Maybe I've seen the destructive effects of anger & temper & so try to lock up my anger & protect the world from my destructive tendencies... though maybe this is just as unhealthy... (hitting the dude with the table still sounds like good therapy to me). But when I get angry like I did today I just get all twisted up inside & feel like a pretty horrible person. I go really quiet & get real prickly & stiff & am really short with people. I feel justified in doing this with last-minute-task managers, but it always seems to hit a broader circle. And then I'm just awkward with friends, too 'cause they can tell I'm a wreck, but I don't want to launch into the long vent with them, but am desperate to talk to someone sane & so I just end up in this awkward place of aching to talk while being totally silent......

... I am ashamed of my anger in some ways.

So the whole day was spent feeling a tad on edge. Went to Jesus Loves You Society right after work (with a quick stop off at the comic store on the way). The anger at the outside world had basically moved inside by then & I was just mad at myself for being mad & not more 'mature' or something to be able to just brush it all off. So just busied myself with tasks at JLYS; washing dishes, busing tables, serving food. RJ & Andy caught me in the middle of rushing around & prayed for me. Part of the prayer was received, part wasn't so much. Some of the prayer got 'tai chi'ed back at them 'cause I was doing the "I'm a sucky human being 'cause I've been mad all day - I don't deserve nice prayers" thing & was all rushing off to follow 'task' instead of receive grace & love...

...but in the end, ended up being drawn away from tasks by just conversations & hanging out with people. Got to play catch/pig in the middle with Jason & Jim (two of the other volunteers) & one of the kids. She had this cool squishy spiky glowing ball thing that eventually broke & so I got to analyze how they built the electronics in it (nice simple but ingenious design)....

...it's funny how things like service & especially kids can help liberate you from your own demons & general poopie-headedness... kids are just really good people with a rich, genuine acceptance. You hang out with them & play games with them & they think you're fantastic. & yeah, I'm not sure tonight why there is a difference for me with that than the freely offered acceptance & love from RJ & Andy...

But maybe in the end it's about forgetting yourself. In playing around with the kids it was all about just being goofy & entertaining the kids & enjoying the game, the moment... and in that there's a whole lot less space to worry about evaluating whether or not I deserve to be on planet or not or whether I'm a good person with rough parts or a bad person with occasional flashes of good... in forgetting myself, it's just about being.

So yeah, feeling kind of better now. The drive home I just sort of felt the cost of the day, the sum of the losses internally.... had tears there that I'm just sort of too tired to cry.... But yeah, will try bed here shortly & call it a day. Try again tomorrow. At least I'm taking the car in tomorrow & so hopefully they can fix it & that's one less thing on my mind....

Reflections on a day

Started the day far too early to attend a meeting that didn't last long & I had no input to. But remembered the 'experiment" - the chance to see God in the middle of my workday.... & honestly wasn't much where I was actively aware of presence. Did have once incident though - was wandering through the office looking for someone (which seems to be what takes up a large majority of my days lately). While walking past one of the offices, I was struck with by the Edge's opening guitar riffs from "Where the Streets Have No Name". The music impaled me like a spear, piercing my abdomen & stealing my breath away. The sounds came like little ripples of joy on a carrier wave of beauty. (engineering note on the metaphor: The human voice, most sound, isn't at a frequency that will carry over long distances & so to transmit it over radio waves, they use funky math principles to mix in the frequencies of voice/music in with another wave, a carrier wave, that is at a much higher frequency & will travel those long distances. At the other end, the carrier wave gets stripped away (again through funky math stuff) leaving only the original sounds.... )

Anyhow, for a moment there had a flash of wonder & revelation similar to last nights (though completely unique & different if that makes sense - similarily overwhelming, total different experience). Had to choke the tears of being overwhelmed back for a bit, but managed to hold them in (crying at work isn't maybe as profession,
though I'm sure it happens).

(one more geek moment: figured out more or less how to convert a sequence of 4 bytes into the number of seconds since Jan 1, 1970. Though I seem to be off by about 7 1/2 hours somewhere.)

There was another brief incident of 'encounter' on the drive home (so don't know if that counts). Because the car's got the wonky wheel thing going on, I've got the radio off so I can listen for the metal shearing & get a few seconds warning if the wheel falls of (yes, over active imagination coupled with being a professional worrier is a bad combination). To fill the silence was sort of singing (half way) U2/Green Day's 'The Saints Are Coming" & contemplating the lyrics & got thinking about the lines "but the shadows still remain since your descent" & thinking about the darkness in the world & was caught by two deep sobs while merging onto deerfoot. Managed to breathe them through & it stayed at only 2 or so... but yeah. (Another aside: was typing something today about 'Deerfoot trail' & instead typed 'Deerfoot trial'... which is maybe kind of accurate).

Tonight was really scattered. I had a night to myself. Lately I've had nights to myself when I've planned for it, chosen to take a moment to myself. Tonight it wasn't so planned. I got home, realized no one had called & I hadn't called anyone. Not a bad thing, but I didn't know what to do with myself. So surfed the net, put G.I. Joe's on the figure stands I'd just gotten in the mail. And sat down to some leftovers & some of my mom's homemade buns & jam. Mostly a filler meal & my tummy felt off afterwards. Sat down to watch part of the 'special features' of the Before the Music Dies video & ended up mesmerized again & watched through the whole shooting match. Lots of more great stuff. Feel strongly that the community house people should watch through Questlove's extended interview segment (if they haven't already). Think there's some great stuff in there.

In the xm radio interview segment, Joel Rasmussen said this which I found interesting:

"I think probably the single most surprising thing.. feedback that's come out of the making of this was when I was screening the film for a group of people here in Austin. There was a woman who came up to me afterwards who said, this film tells the story of engineering. And I just looked an her & I didn't have a frame of reference for what she was saying. And she said, let me explain. In engineering historically engineering companies looked at engineers as their assets. they would develop them, they were concerned about their long term careers & they would sort of guide their growth & their development. And then in the '80s and the 90's when engineering firms began to become consolidated and they became public companies, they no longer had the time or the interest & so engineers were no longer viewed as an asset they were viewed as a commodity. "

What struck me as odd is that I listened to this & as an engineer, I nodded my head in total agreement of what this lady has said. Companies talk a lot about personal development, career development, about their people being their biggest asset, and the stories are almost believable. You see that they have all these great policies & programs - but when you start to try to make use of them, there are all these catches & clauses & hoops to jump through.... and all the time you find you're being bought & sold just like any other slave.... (a well paid slave, mind you, but still...)

But what struck me as odd was my response. Just a nod, no tears. Here I am watching the stories of these artists/musicians & weeping either in sorrow at the injustices they face or with joy as they find their places of creative freedom. I grieve the slavery of the artist & celebrate any moment where the shackles start to fall off.... But yet when someone talks about my own slavery, I just nod in acquiescence that, yep, that's what's going on... this is just the way things are....

... so made me wonder what's up with that? Maybe it's that 'engineer' is a very secondary (or buried) identity for me. Maybe it's that I don't care about engineering. Maybe it's that I don't see hope for engineering. Maybe it's that I don't tie 'engineering' in with such a deep soul connection to people.

But made me wonder if maybe it's easier to fight for someone else's freedom than your own. For my artist friends, I'm thinking about all these strategies to 'help' them with their struggle & work to 'fight the man' on their behalf. Most I'll likely never do. Somewhat from laziness, somewhat 'cause I know I'll annoy my artist friends with the futile attempts to 'help'... but for my own 'bondage', I've got nothing. Didn't even take a moment to think of anything. Again, maybe it's just that I've been spending the last 4 months to 13 years trying to figure out how to get out of engineering, so maybe I'm not going to the 'well' for answers 'cause the well is dry.

But made me wonder again how content we (or mostly me) am with our chains & what stops us from reaching for something more....

... the rest of the evening continued it's disjointed pace. Hit the used CD store at 8:20, grocery store at 8:40 & then came home to cook which brings me to, uhm, now. Just waiting for the food to cool so I can pack it into little containers for lunch.....

... thinking about the last number of posts, the last few weeks of my life, I wonder whether I'm just making all this #$@% up... Maybe I'm not really encountering God. Maybe I'm not getting insights. Maybe I'm just faking this writing stuff... Maybe none of it matters. maybe it's all in my head & I'm just deluding myself that life is getting better, that I'm having fun, dreaming again... finding community... maybe the cycle repeats again, something new & fresh comes to my life, I obsess about it & pour my everything into it, then later get disillusioned, move on, turtle & hide by self til I drive myself crazy & then venture out one more time to try again....

... maybe the emotions, the senses of beauty/joy are just chemical imbalances brought on by years of not enough sleep. Maybe my ticker's bad & I'm living on borrowed time & will expire soon... maybe I'll die happy in this moment (or at least with an illusion of happiness)....

The wonky bits about life is that you're just never sure where you stand.... the sands of time keep shifting under you, sucked between your toes by the great undertow of a vast & endless cosmos filled mostly with 'nothingness'... you can't hang onto the moments of where everything feels 'right' (& thankfully the moments where everything goes to crap disappear that quickly, too)... and so we're left like every other person on the planet. You trust your eyes, your ears, the physical senses. You trust your heart, your mind, your gut & you rely on those things all the while holding all of them in suspicious knowing that your body is deteriorating slowly & there are sicknesses that could take away any of the things you trust in in a heartbeat.... maybe you just try to surf the whole thing, look for that one big crest, try to ride it as far as you can before it falls in on itself & you're caught in the washing machine of water & silt.... & then you try again on the next wave....

& so you try to trust that the moment you're in is where you need to be, where you're made to be.... you hope that the story so far has led you here & the author has some place to lead you next... You either try to choke down the fears or (as I just did) speak them into the wind, name each one &, in the naming, steal their power over you... Once they're named, they seem to be as fragile as you are and hence not such a big looming threat....

...and you choose, again, to get up the next day, stare oblivion in the face & say, "I will attempt to live today, I will seek love today, and joy, beauty, truth & hope.... and seek freedom in whatever that means" These are the days (to steal a metaphor from "Sleepless in Seattle") that you keep reminding yourself to breathe & hope for the day where you don't have to remind yourself anymore....

Jacob's Ladder

Had imagery in my prayers tonight of 'Jacob's Ladder' resting over the community house.

The story of Jacob's ladder is in Genesis 28. Isaac, son of Abraham, has two sons, Esau & Jacob. Jacob is the swindler & cheats Esau out of the father's blessing/inheritance. Esau is enraged & swears to kill Jacob & so Jacob flees for his life. In the early days of Jacob's flight, he pulls up some rocks for pillows & falls asleep & in his sleep he dreams of a ladder/staircase reaching into heaven & the angels of God ascend & descend the ladder/stairs in between the heavens & the earth... & it is in this place that God speaks over Jacob the same blessing given to his father Isaac & his grandfather Abraham. God the Father gives Jacob this unearned blessing, the blessing handed down through the generations of patriarchs to this most undeserving one.

After having this vision, Jacob awakens & fear & names the place 'Bethel', the house of God (Hebrew 'Beth' = house, "El" = God) because, as he says, "God was in this place & I didn't realize it".

Fast forward a thousand years or more. In John chapter 1, there are two brothers Philip & Nathaniel. Philip sees Jesus & believes that he is the Messiah, the promised deliverer/saviour & goes rushing to tell his brother Nathaniel. Nathaniel is skeptical, but tags along to check things out. When Jesus sees him, he starts to basically recite Nathaniel's life back to him & amazed by this, Nathaniel starts to profess that Jesus must be the son of God to know all these things. Jesus replies to him & says:

"Because I said to you, I saw you under the fig tree, for this you believe? You will see greater things than these..... Truly, truly, I say to you, Hereafter you will see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of man." (John 1:50 & 51)

The Bible interprets itself. This phrase about "the heaven's open & the angels ascending/descending" is an exact quote of the Jacob's Ladder passage. What Jesus is saying is that He is Jacob's Ladder, He is the ladder/stairway leading into heaven...

& yeah, anyhow, not sure how this applies to anything, but it's just a neat little connection piece that may have some relevance somewhere.

Nite.

God in the Mundane//Weird drive home

Haven't been getting enough sleep lately & likely won't again tonight.

I awoke late. Was hoping to get up early & rush the car into the shop 'cause the right front tire is making weird noises when it gets bumped or I make left turns. Not happy noises & I am sort of hoping the wheel doesn't fall off anywhere crowded.... but was all zombified & didn't get up early like I'd plan.

Spent the day in a bit of a fog. Spent most of the day moving my desk to the new spot at work (as part of the new role, get a new desk) & got everything unpacked & set up. A little bit of other work, but mostly just kind of stewing in nothingness & the zoned out stare of tiredness & general unhappiness.

Went over the community house after working a bit late & goofed around with Connor for a bit & then sat down to an absolutely stellar meal. I'm not a huge salmon fan, but this stuff was mouthwateringly delicious glazed salmon... sooooo good... accompanied by a blend of couscous & vegetables (sweet potatoe & chickpea & mushrooms & other stuff) & great garlic bread. A feast for kings & queens....

...after the meal decided to help with the dishes & chose to wash 'cause then I didn't have to figure out where things went in the kitchen. Manual labour is a great place for me to be alone with my thoughts.... sometimes this is good, sometimes bad, depending on where the thoughts go. I sort of went back into my funk (not the musical kind, that would've been cool.... but the melancholy) & spent some time trying to analyze it all, to understand why I felt unhappy, or dull or just out of it. Figure it's likely the sleep thing.

But got to thinking about people like Rich Mullins & Brother Lawrence who talk about how things like washing dishes are a spiritual discipline, of how these are the places to meet God & thought I'd test out their theories. So, stopped asking God why I was so down & switched to asking something akin to how is this a spiritual moment?

& it happened almost instantaneously. I looked up, which I hadn't done the whole time & saw the valance/ the blinds/curtains (whatever it's called) at the top of their kitchen window & it was this crocheted scene of all these little houses & suddenly my mind snapped to thoughts of how it was beautiful, of how long it must've taken someone to do that, maybe it was someone's grandmother, something passed down, maybe it's made by hands in china or india. It reminded me of small towns in winter & grain elevators & snow falling & small communities....

...& suddenly I was overwhelmed by this sense of beauty, of how lucky I was to be alive, of just how good God is & life is & yeah, it was gorgeous.... Looking back now, it sort of feels like being a shepherd in bethlehem on a silent night when suddenly the angels appeared singing 'glory to God in the highest & on earth, peace, good will to all people'....

... & so the divine snuck into the mundane, or rather, the peacefulness of the mundane opened my heart to the divine's continual presence... & yeah, after that, I was just very aware of the 'now', the movement of my hand in the water, the feeling of liquid, suds, the dishes & cloth, the slow movement of scrubbing... just this place where all of the senses sort of felt heightened & I became aware of the 'now' instead of trapped in thoughts of past or future...

...so yeah, great moment.. which led in to great prayers.... a friend prayed a prayer about God in our work or something (was a fantastic prayer, wish I remembered it), but sort of felt challenged/encouraged by the silent prompting of the unexpected voice to maybe try this out at work tomorrow & try to look for there to be a spirituality in my work, to see if the divine can break into the engineering day... So that's my little experiment for tomorrow (so long as I get enough sleep & remember to look for it....)

& then yeah, had the odd drive home:

Got to 16th & 12Ave & this lady comes walking up to the car, flagging me down. I roll down the window, she starts in:
"Excuse me, do you have the time?"
"it's 10 to 10"
"Thanks. uhm, if I paid you five bucks would you drive me up to crowchild trail"
"uhm, well, just get in, I'm heading that way anyhow."
"Great" - she gets into my car & I start to drive.
"Actually," she says, could you drive me over to 14th street".
"OK"
"So what are you doing tonight? Just driving around?"
"Nope. Just coming from a friend's house & just on my way home"
"Oh. well I'm looking for a man to buy me a birthday beer."
"How's that going?"
"Not too well.... Do you want to buy me a birthday beer?"
"Uhm, no. I'm just looking to head home."
"Oh, well, just drop me here," (I start to pull over), "I need to get some dope...uhm... I mean I need to see a friend. Oh, just keep going."
"OK.... so how's your birthday going?"
"Not so great. Are you sure you don't want to buy me a birthday beer?"
"Yes"
"Can I buy you a beer?"
"Uh, no, I'm just looking to head home.... (silence).... so how long have you been in Calgary?"
"Three years. I'm from Toronto... How did you know I wasn't from Calgary?"
"I didn't"
"well you asked 'how long I'd been in Calgary?', did you know I'm not from Calgary?"
"uhm, no, I just well, most people that live in Calgary aren't originally from Calgary. I'm not originally from Calgary, I..."
"Oh, I'd love you forever if you'd turn left at those lights"
"OK... (turn left)... where are we going?"
"Oh, just go up there & turn right at the stop sign....Do you have a girlfriend?"
"uhm, no, not at the moment".
"So what are you doing tonight, you've just got the time to drive pretty girls all over the place?"
"Well, I uh, just try to be nice to people every once in a while"
"Oh. So you're sure you're not looking for a good time tonight."
"Uhm, no"
"Well that's too bad. Just let me out here. Thanks. goodbye."
"Uhm, bye." (car door starts to shut) "Be safe"... (door closes)

Yeah, weird..... whatever that was I totally missed it.

Before the Music Dies

"Music has been the language of our culture. Words & sounds that come from the street & the barrio, from fields & churches, from coffee shops to arenas. Our music defines us as Americans. This fertile land of immigrants, slaves & dreamers has created more forms & styles of music than any before it.....Whether a song of passion or pain. A voice of patriotism or a scream of protest. American music has never been bound by category or cowed by rules. Our rich & often tumultuous history has meant a continuous reinvention of who we are; often expressed through our music..... As one musical form emerged on our cultural dance floor, another cut into the fray determined to make it's new voice heard. Blues howled & boomed. The powerful & articulate Jazz stepped onto the floor & everyone took notice. Rock & roll had been criss-crossing the nation in a dusty van with country & western & they, too, joined the party, eager to show off the stuff that they'd both learned from gospel. The dancers all parted when the loud and rebellious punk arrived and the dance floor heaved again as hip-hop, the loudest & flashiest guest yet, arrived on the scene with a slam & a thump heard around the world.."

So begins the "Before the Music Dies" documentary (see http://www.beforethemusicdies.com) created by Andrew Shapter & Joel Rassmussen. It's a powerful vision of the current state of the music industry & music as a whole.

I played hooky from work one day last december. I called in sick. Wasn't entirely physically sick. Didn't feel 100%, but was more just sick of working than physically sick. In the middle of this day, I happened to be driving my car & happened to hear someone on CKUA radio mention this video & thought it was something that my friend Andrea, being an artist & musician, would want to see & would be the perfect thing to complete her birthday/christmas present. Long story short, it came in, made it into the gift, she liked it & loaned it to me to watch.

I had a quiet afternoon with an appointment getting canceled (get well soon, my friend) & so decided to retreat to my house to have lunch & watch the video. Made for a fantastic afternoon. Watched it mesmerized for an hour and a half. Sometimes laughing, sometimes stupified, most times crying through the whole thing - sometimes with gentle tears, others with birth-pang like gasps (yeah, that's a weird image that I'll have to explain later)... I had sort of thought about watching this either with Andrea or others in the community house, but it's maybe good I watched it on my own 'cause then I was free to express the emotions of the moment....

... so much good stuff in it that I'm going to have to watch it again, just to hope to absorb it all. They paint a picture of American music as being this voice that came out of slavery & bondage, a voice that grew through spirituality & just calls out to all that will listen.... they paint pictures of the battle between art & commerce... they show how the commercial side of the music business is being crippled, is crumbling & how there is a new face of art & music emerging from the grassroots. The whole thing is very revolutionary (i.e. starting a revolution, rebellion, overthrow) & whispers/shouts of things to come. It felt very much like listening to the prophetic voice heralding the coming of Renaissance II. (which is maybe a farcical imagery that will never happen, but if it does, you heard it here first (or whispered on the wind), & if it doesn't happen, well, at least it's a beautiful dream.....)

If you have any heart for music, the arts, creativity, passion, love for life, I very much recommend the video. Will likely have to post more after watching it the second time.

Sons & daughters

The church I attend held a mass baby-dedication today. There's a lot of young families attending & a lot of new babies & so it was sort of a mass free-for-all of praying for kids & families & blessing children & parents. Like anything with kids, it was not on schedule, chaotic & incredibly beautiful all at once.... It was carefree & weighty at the same time... there was a huge 'release' of destiny in that room, parents (& perhaps God behind the parents) whispering/speaking their hopes & dreams over these children. Prayers for their lives now & lives to come, calling out in these young lives weighty things like justice & healing & joy.

Destiny is a hard thing for us as humans. We love to make our own way & be masters of our own fate. And this is very much part of our existence. But there is also this thing of 'destiny' of 'calling', this place where sometimes we wonder if our paths are maybe laid out for us before we were ever born. Each of these kids, like their parents before them, will need to live out this paradox, embracing both aspects & also holding both with a certain degree of suspicion... They will be shaped by the people, the community & culture around them. They'll be shaped by their genetics... and in the end there is some x-factor, some unknown thing that will make them unique, somehow not a product of anything around them, but somehow a 'one-off' - a one of a kind miracle of live & individuality that will never been seen again on planet earth....

...and so for this & a multitude of other reasons it's good to watch, to bear witness, to the lives of these young ones. Watching these young lives you get to see the rawness of a person in development. You get to see a personality forming before anyone has had time to put the 'hooks' in; before anyone has had time to shape them into some societal ideal of what a child should look like, do, act, function...

...there is great wisdom hidden in children. So much to learn. & this really comes only from time spent with them witnessing the growth of their young lives.

Got to spend time watching a friend entertain one of the kids today. The little guy had a dump truck & handed it to my friend & she held it out for him to play with. He looked the truck over, looked at my friend, then back & the truck & then started, with little hands & unsure movements, began to spin the wheels on the truck. First one axle, then the other, then bringing both hands up to try to spin both at once. He worked away at this for a while before heading off to gum a bagel, later to take the un-eaten pieces & make a game of placing them in & out of my hands....

... I watched this in fascination & thought about what it must have been like for the very first man who discovered the wheel (or the first woman, we don't know who figured that one out originally). What must it have been like? Did he/she discover circles first? Did they see logs rolling or stones & then try to shape a wheel from that concept? How many times did they try & fail before they found the concept of wheel & axle that we take for granted today in our world of cars & trucks; vehicles & toys....

.. and it just makes you think that this little boy is coming in this same sense of wonder. This is maybe for him the first idea of wheels, of rolling, is dawning in his young brain... and there is so much more to discover. Every moment, everything touched, eaten, felt, seen, heard, all is a new experience for this one, brand new & full of freshness & awe....

...and as an adult we so need this. We forget awe, we forget wonder. We forget to marvel at the world around us, at just the rush of being alive & what a great gift it is, that it's a ludicrously wild chance that we should be given even a moment on this planet to experience any of this...

This, if nothing else, is the wisdom that come from childhood. It makes all things new again (which is maybe part of why Jesus refers to 'conversion', placing faith in Christ, as the 'second birth' - where we are again plunged into wonder of seeing the world through new eyes).

The only other place I've heard about this renewed sense of wonder (beyond being with children & religious experiences) is marriage. Mike Mason describes in his book "The mystery of marriage" that somehow marriage is like finding 'Eve' again - that somehow the groom finds these places of where he sees his bride & seeing her is like seeing the first woman, like seeing woman for the very first time.... and it's this sense of wonder & childlikeness which often helps carry a marriage through the early days & must be returned to over & over & over again....

... we get old without wonder... life without wonder chokes us... we die a slow & painful death of boredom.... our lungs asphyxiate, die from lack of fresh air, with all the deadness & monotony of a world without wonder. Maybe this is why change is the one of the only two constants in our world (the other is God's love - there may be more, but those are the two I'm sure of right now)... change, as much as we may resist it, keeps things new, keeps shaking out the cobwebs of our lives... gives us hope for something more... something different... something new....

...but wonder can be cultivated even in the 'same-old, same-old'... kids have a way of helping that :)

When I wasn't watching kids, I spent time sneaking glimpses into a book called "Father to Daughter: Life lessons on Raising a Girl". I was in Monkey Shine's books (http://www.monkeyshinesbooks.com/) on the weekend with my parents. It's an absolutely fantastic kids book store in Marda Loop & yeah, I saw this little book by Harry H. Harrison, Jr. that is a bunch of little tidbits of wisdom on raising girls. I picked it up & yeah, it passed the tear test (i.e. read a bit, it made me cry, this is a good sign that the book touches me). I set it down thinking it was maybe silly that I should pick it up now, when I'm, well, not even dating & far, far, farrrrr (really far) from having kids. But decided it I'd add it to the library 'cause, well, eventually I'd like to have kids &, for whatever reason, hope for daughter(s). Maybe it's the perpetual growing up without sisters, maybe it's some overconfidence that I could raise strong & gentle women, or who knows... but yeah, figured I might as well grab the book now & that way I'm not trying to remember it when I'm older & actually about to have a baby.... (& yeah, if I get too much older, who knows what I'll forget, eh? :) )

I sort of hid the book behind my Bible at church. Still a bit shy to show off the book in public (or at least was). Made it through reading about the 'wonder years' about the early years & this dovetailed nicely with some of the other thoughts mentioned above. Some selected bits of wisdom from the book (it's a great little book. Really recommend it from what I've seen so far:

"Realize from the beginning that even at one week old, she's a girl. So she's going to be just as charming, and just as mystifying, as every other girl you know. Beign her dad will not change this."
"Tell her from day one that she can accomplish anything"
"Let her sleep on your chest when she's a baby. This is when the world begins to make sense."
"Memorize her face. her eyes. Her hands. She'll be memorizing everything about you."
"Be prepared to watch Walt Disney movies with her some 200 times. Each."
"Never lose the wonder of watching her & her mother together"
"Trust her mom to understand the mystery of little girls. You have yet to figure out the mystery of big ones."
"Bear in mind that from the very beginning your personality will shape her. Realize that as you shape her, she will shape you."
"Don't think that because she's a sweet little girl that she can't throw food with the best of them."
"Build a shelf for her dolls and stuffed animal collection. Ask her to tell you stories about each one."
"Buy her a jungle gym. However, if she falls off that jungle gym, disregard those thoughts about killing yourself."
"Dance with her always. She'll never be too young. Or old."
"Resist the urge to let her sleep in your bed when she's scared or sick. Independence starts in childhood. Instead, sit with her in her own room until she falls back to sleep."
"Teach her not to be afraid of boys, but to be ready to challenge them."
"When she's old enough, sign her up for karate lessons. This is more for your sake than hers."
"Never laugh at her dreams."

People don't talk that way anymore

I made a comment in a comment (if that makes sense) a few posts back commenting that I tend to watch TV & movies with God. This sounds weird & sacrilegious to a lot of Christians 'cause we tend to classify things like reading your bible & praying as things you can do 'with' God, while watching 'secular' things like entertainment are done apart from God.

I'm trying to live out of a spirituality of where I recognize that I am indwelt by Christ (i.e. Jesus lives in my skin somehow). This is a concept for me, not something I understand fully. But it involves walking in the idea that every moment is shared with Jesus. If I want to do something great & noble, Jesus is there doing it with me (often loving through my words, eyes, hands, arms). If I want to drag myself into the mire & slime of the most despicable acts, I end up dragging Jesus in with me & he endures this, the one who knows no sin, becoming sin to bestow His righteousness on me.

So it's recognizing that God inhabits every moment of my day & so I might as well acknowledge this & enjoy hanging out with Him. It's not like I invite him into each moment, I just realize (once in a while) that He is present in each moment & then just enjoy the reality of time shared; in the same way that time is shared with a friend or lover.

& so when I sit down to watch TV or a movie, I am never alone. I am always 'in presence' & so get to share what I watch with Him. & this is not a fearful thing like I was taught when I was younger; something that makes me feel guilty about what I watch/don't watch. Instead, it's a time of dialogue, where I can listen to His heart for the story being portrayed on the screen ( a story, which, if some of my theories hold true, may in some ways come from him, if he is the source of all creativity - this is a fuzzy, non-formalized thought so far, so don't quote me on this as being legit. It may still be out to lunch - like all the rest of my ideas & perspectives :) )

Anyhow, in this, I find there are often 'messages' hidden in movies/TV. Little tiny things that sneak in & I hear God's voice whispering to me in the middle of a show about something related or un-related....

... Friday night watched the movie "National Treasure" with my folks. Great movie. Haven't seen it before, but got it for Christmas from my lovely brother & sister-in-law. My dad borrowed it from me before I returned to Calgary, not realizing it was a Christmas present, & really enjoyed the movie & was excited to get the movie back to me & watch it again.

So great time enjoying a good movie with my folks.... but again, hidden in the movie were little message where I had to choke back the overflow of tears as God whispered stuff to me.

The tears came, most of all, in two places reflecting one thought:

The first came when Nicolas Cage's character Ben Gates is staring at the Declaration of Independence & he says:

"Of all the ideas that became the United States, there's a line here that's at the heart of all the others. 'But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and provide new Guards for their future security.' People don't talk that way anymore......" - Ben Gates

Later on in the movie this one phrase gets repeated when Ben Gates is talking with the romantic interest, Abigail Chase & she asks him if he knows for certain that the treasure they're pursuing is real:

"No, but I hope it's real. I mean, I've dreamt it was real since my grandfather told me about it.... I feel like I'm so close I can taste it. but just, I just want to know it's just not something in my head or in my heart." - Ben Gates

"People don't really talk that way you, know?" - Abigail Chase

"I know, but they think that way...." - Ben Gates

Both times I got choked up at the phrase "People don't talk that way anymore".... Some days I feel very anarchronistic, very out of time. Some days I wonder if everyone feels like they were born outside of the right time, the right age that they were meant for.... I'm probably really lucky that I was born into late 20th century north american Gen-x culture. I'm too much of a pansy & likely wouldn't have survived very long in any other time & place....

...but there are these moments where I feel like I speak things that are very out of time... things that do not fit the language of the world around me. Some days I try to fit in with what's 'normal', I really do.... but I'm never any good at it. A sudden gust of wonder, beauty, awe, tragedy, something will come along & i'll be blown off balance & all the dust of normality will fall off & leave only the brittle-brown of a leaf caught in a wind greater than & outside itself....

...some of my loneliness in life has come from this sense of feeling out of step with the times - of longing for passion, truth, justice, freedom, hope, love, great heady ideals that, well, the words sort of mean nothing & everything at the same time. They are concepts that would take you years to define, but their words that in their simplicity rattle us to the core & whisper to our souls of realities long buried, of the beauty we see in dreams, whispers in the edges of our consciousness of 'more than this'....

I love Nicolas Cage's retort in the second quote - people maybe don't talk this way anymore, but they think this way. Somewhere, behind what's normal, I like to think that people dream, that everyone dreams. That inside the ruffest, gruffest hill-billy, billy-bob, shootin', drinkin', fightin' kind of guy, or the bleach-blond, bubble-head, drama-queen, in all of us there beats a heart that asks the hard questions, that wonders "why am I here?", "what does this really mean?", "What am I doing with my life?" "What is love?", "What is beauty?" "What is truth?"

So yeah, maybe us odd folks who ramble on, who talk like they used to talk, maybe we can (in all our fumbling) articulate, make plain, one tiny thought that inspires someone to dream, to hope, to live in passion... I guess that maybe makes it all worth it in the end (though hard to see in the middle)....

Creative Outlets pt.2

OK, so here's where the geekdom really comes out....

... as most people do (or don't) know, I've been collecting G.I. Joes since I was a kid. Well, let me rephrase: The reality is that I bought G.I. Joe toys from about the age of 11-17ish & then stopped for a while, partly 'cause they were hard to find & they had reduced the quantity that they were releasing. I more recently (2004?) rediscovered this as a hobby through having seen the new whizzy 'night attack chopper' in stores & finally made up my mind (a year or so after it had left stores) to buy one & so went hunting on the net to find it.

This led me to discover the marvels of Ebay & after not too long I got the idea stuck in my head that I could now, as an adult engineer with no dependents, purchase all of the stuff I wanted as a kid, but never had money for.... so yeah, that started the pursuit of old & new G.I. Joes (& Transformers) that now take up pretty much every available flat display place in the house... when my roommates laugh at me about it, I threaten to kick them out to make more room for the collection & they seem to get really quiet, real quick after that... they figure I'd likely do it.

It's been an interesting time collecting them. I've enjoyed building the collection. Each new piece/figure has been great & it's always exciting to get new stuff in the mail or at the toy/hobby stores. Part of the fun has just been the pursuit of it all. It's given me something to do to occupy my time in the empty places over the last couple of years. Part of it is that I've needed something to fill the void after backing out of all ministry activities. Part of it is maybe (& this is likely just spiritualizing things) because some of my dreams have been to bring together an army of people to sow love in the earth; to put together groups of like minded, like hearted people in like-gifted or cross-gifted teams to go out into the world around & bring beauty, love, hope, joy.... and yeah, after the sense of losing those dreams, I guess the army-building instinct had to turn somewhere else to express itself.

I sort of ended up trapped in a mini-arms race for a while & so I now better understand the cold war. I kept trying to balance out the firepower of the noble, heroic, fight-for-freedom G.I. Joes, with that of the ruthless, terrorist organization of Cobra.... & yeah, you'd sort of get things nearly balanced, figure you needed only one more piece for one side to make it even & then you'd get a good deal & get two vehicles for a 'deal' & then that would bump one side into being more powerful than the other & so you had to look for another vehicle/plane etc. to help maintain the balance of power... (yes, yes, this is all sadly geekified, I know)

& yeah, part of the collecting stuff has come from my job of working with the military, er, excuse me, 'defense' industry. I've been learning a little bit about army organizational structure & so I've been putting all of my G.I. Joes & Cobras into 'units' & squads.... I've got the full blown organizational chart in an excel spreadsheet showing which teams & sub-teams everyone belongs to....

So yeah, anyhow, they are coming out with less & less of the 3 3/4" guys, in order to make way for the next generation of G.I. Joe fans who will be playing with a combined 8" and 2.5" line (or who will ignore the line all together & let the mythos fade into history), so my collecting days are starting to wind down (mind you I've been saying this for the past year). Mostly I've noticed that since choosing to hang out with the community house folks & start to get back into more relationships past just the 'inner circle', the obsessions levels have dropped a bit. Just have more stuff to fill the holes now.....

...but, I've been on a bunch of message boards listening to the greater 'Joe' community & have been seeing a number of 'customs' being made. This is where they take old figures & 'Frankenstein' them & repaint them. The 3 3/4" figures basically come apart into a head, boots, thighs (2 pieces/leg), waist, torso (2 piece) & arms (which, if you're good can be taken apart further, but I haven't figured that out yet. So people who 'Frankenstein' the figures just mix & match parts to create the form or 'sculpt' of the figure they want & then they just repaint it. Some people are creating entirely new characters. Some are creating their take on classic characters or characters from the comic books & cartoons that have never had a figure created for that character.

There are also a number of custom stores open now on the web selling custom heads, body parts & weapons. For a taste of this, check out: http://www.marauderinc.com/ - this is a guy who makes tons of little tiny guns & accessories for G.I. Joes. They're cheap(ish) & highly detailed & high quality... & (the engineer is coming out again), it's amazing that he can make some of the parts as small as he does....

So yeah, one of my new creative outlets, as geeky as it may be, has been trying my hands at the customizing. I'm not that good at it, but it's been kind of fun. It's been really relaxing & I have to really concentrate with painting the little parts, so it eats up time that I could spend worrying about other stuff, which I need every once in a while... I was able to complete quite a few customs done over Christmas (when I wasn't playing with niece & nephew) & here's a look at some of the projects (feel free to mock me at any time :) ):

So, some of these 'customs are really simple. I've been buying helmets from one of the custom stores on the web & you just paint up the helmet & add it to the existing figure. To the left is Dragonsky, the Oktober Guard flame throwing specialist. For whatever reason, when they finally release a figure of him, they didn't include a helmet. Dude had a helmet in the comics, so some guy on the 'net makes a helmet, the rest of us geeks buy the helmet & paint it & voila (the red star on the top was a pain & I had to paint the helmet twice 'cause I used a dull coat on the first one that kind of ate the paint. This is with a clear coat.

I'm using an acryllic paint with on the figures & it'll kind of come off, so they get you to spray it with a coating when it's done. One hobby shop employee told me to use an enamel dull coat, so the figures aren't so shiny. Another hobby shop person told me to use only the clear coat 'cause the dull would eat the paint, so yeah, I'm thinking the 2nd dude was maybe right....

This guy 'Ghost' is a figure of my own creation (i.e. does not exist in the comics or cartoon). Again this involves just painting the helmet. This was originally a figure named 'Firefly' & he didn't look like the classic image of Firefly & so I eventually got another figure to be 'the' Firefly' in my collection. But still liked the overall look of this figure & then found a helmet that would fit him. & the helmet really completes the figure for me.... Painted one of the helmets up at Marty & Kari's place & talked colour choices over with Marty. Again, the dull-coat kind of ate the first one & so I painted up a 2nd (the shinier one).

Other figures I've done are just full repaints. You don't change any parts in or out. You use the exact same figure, but totally redo the colours &, to steal a favorite phrase from my neice, 'Ta da"...new figure. On the left is the original 'Footloose' figure, on the right is my repainted 'Claymore' figure.

The only real different physically between the figures is the gear. Claymore has a vest that I've bought off of a custom store. Otherwise the core figure is the same.

There is an existing Claymore figure, but it's rare & costs an arm & a leg on ebay, so figured I'd make my own so I have the 'character' as part of my collection without needing to fork out the money for a, honestly, kind of dorky looking figure (the original figure is really yellow)

Other cost saving figures is this one. On the left is the Hasbro released A.V.A.C. figure which also costs a lot on ebay (this picture taken from http://www.yojoe.com, along with all other pictures not taken from me - it's the crazy web based G.I. Joe encyclopedia with tons of info on all things Joe). Found a sculpted AVAC head on one of the custom websites & picked it up. This is a frankenstein figure. Waist down is from one figure, the torso from another, the arms from another figure & the head bought off this custom website.

F.I. Joe was released as toys in other countries & a few of them have created their own unique figures that have become popular with the fandom. These two are my take on a couple of Brazillian figures, Cobra de Aco (Steel Cobra) & Cobra Mortal.

Here's are the art work from the toys to show what I was trying to emulate with the figures. Cobra De Aco (on the left is a Frankenstein with a new head. The Mortal figure is pretty much an existing figure with a new head & new paintjob.



Another interpretation of a Brazillian figure is this one of 'Glenda'. Again, pretty much a full repaint of one figure with a new custom head from one of the custom websites.

Fought for a long, long time with the eyes. Really like the detail on the left eye (her right). Really botched it on the right eye (her left), but got tired of dealing with it....
This is Lt.Stone. A character from the 8" line that I thought was cool & wanted to make a 3 3/4" figure. The 8" figure is pictured on the left, mine on the right.

The "Sigma 6" logo on his chest got all painted by hand. Pain in the butt, but turned out not too bad all things considered.

Maybe not as happy with the face. Took another figure's head & 'shaved' it's moustache by sanding it off. Didn't take the time with it like I should've.... and the robotic arm is a little loose, but haven't figured out how to fix that yet....


And here's a random collection of other figures I've completed. Again, pretty much all are non-preexisting-character creations (cept for a the guy with the ey patch & the guy with the green helmet - he's an existing figure with just a helmet repaint). Most of these, I just liked how the parts came together to make a decent looking figure/person.

The copperish guy is going to be called 'Gladiator'. He got put together 'cause I found this nice copper paint & thought it would look cool with the helmet & got the sword & shield to go with it. Pretty much the same figure as the 'Duke' in green (see a few pictures below), just different helmet & different arms.

The cobra symbol on the shield is all painted by me eyeballing it & using tiny brushstrokes & coat after coat of correction. Pretty happy with how it turned out after all the work put into it.

And have included a picture of Gladiator & Ghost. You can see the full figure & the two helmets for Ghost in this one.


The figure with the funky thing on his head is taking an existing torso & arms, leaving it untouched & adding new legs/waist & a custom head bought of the web.

The trenchcoat on the cowboy figure it actually made by a guy in the states who specializes in making & selling tiny G.I. Joe clothes.

So yeah, crazy geek world out there. Quite a number of middle aged men trying to relive their childhood with too much time & disposable income on their hands....

...oh well, it's a creative outlet & quirky hobby. Might as well get it out of my system while I've got some time...

(Again, feel free to laugh :) )

41 Lawnmowers: Why I need community Pt.2

Well, got an e-mail from Andrea yesterday reminding me that I'm maybe not quite as horrible a person as I make myself out to be :). I partially knew that, but yeah, the reminders are always good.... & needed.

Oh, & on the way into work I realized that my (original) copy of Jeff Buckley's 'Grace' is likely in the stack of CD's loaned to Marie.... sigh....

Part of my thoughts with 'Grace' & borrowing stuff stem from these two songs that Billy Crockett contrasts on his live "In These Days" album. I first listened to this CD a long, long time ago on the road past Whidbey Island in Washington state. The songs really struck me then in their beautiful bluntness & the lessons/messages from them have stuck every since:

"41 lawnmowers" by Billy Crockett

"Find a good old neighborhood. / A square block of the USA. / Stake your claim. / Claim your space. / Sink you r roots & live your days.

Build a fence / close it in / raise a lawn & grow some kids. / Make a name. Name your friends. /And that's the American way to live.

and 41 houses, only 1 street /41 yards, 82 trees. / 41 mowers all sitting in sheds / 41 families in over their heads / & everybody's got their own everything.

from the Bronx to Hollywood. / Montreal to Mexico. /The fever grows. /Go for gold. / Gain the world & lose your soul

Push & shove / don't look back / Absolute success attack. / Insulate / Cul-de-sac / Prove the universe of fact.

41 houses, only 1 street /41 yards, 82 trees. / 41 mowers all sitting in sheds / 41 families in over their heads / 41 neighbors with nothing to say / building their lives the American way /& everybody's got their own everything.

41 houses, only 1 street /41 yards, 82 trees. / 41 mowers all sitting in sheds / 41 families in over their heads / 41 tables for 41 meals, 41 hundred automobiles/ 41 neighbors with nothing to say / building their lives the American way /& everybody's got their own everything. "

This is the song that was running through my head while thinking about the whole 'Grace' thing. This pictures the lifestyle I live of where I have to have all of my own everything. Mostly it's the convenience of not having to ask to borrow or make arrangements to share. Most of it's just easy-ness.... or maybe being lazy, or selfish, or just wanting to isolate & insulate myself from having to rub shoulders with people around me & have to take the time to spend with people.

One of the love languages I operate most in is 'time'... If someone wants to show they love me, the simplest way to do it is to make time for me. Though I am a bit of a time hog & will eat up people's time if they let me. But time is one of the commodities that I very much see as limited. Each of us gets the same 24 hour portion each day & all of us get a lifetime of these (some lifetimes are shorter than others, but still...). So we get this gift of the number of our days & then get to choose how to 'spend' this gift. You can't hang on to them, or 'bank' your time for a rainy day later, you are always being forced to 'spend' your moments in the perpetual now of life. And so it's not a matter of choosing whether or not you'll spend your time, it's just how you spend it....

...and so knowing I have limited time, I tend to guard it, sometimes a bit too carefully. I alot time for myself now - which I never used to do, but I'm learning I have to do this to maintain sanity. And I don't feel guilty (much) for this anymore. And then I alot my time according to the 'circles' of closeness. Those closest to me get access to my time pretty much whenever they want & if they don't try to make use of that, I'll track them down & spend organize time to spend with them. & then it just extends from there. I make choices about who gets a part of my 'time' & I recognize that to really nurture a good relationship (or anything for that matter), it takes time....

...and so in places I'm miserly with time. I try to keep open to relationships, but am kind of selfish with my time & have tried to stop just giving my time out to everyone & everything that wants it....

... so I live some of the 41 lawnmower lifestyle because of being afraid that I don't have enough hours in my day. Part of it is self-preservation in some sense. It's this pursuit of trying to make sure your needs (& wants) are filled, which is maybe silly some days, especially with a God who promises to look after you (not that I'm that good at trusting that either).....

...but yeah, I keep thinking that it's the 41 lawnmower lifestyle which is killing our planet & north america far more than anything else. It's our consumerism & waste (i.e. buy lots of crap & throw the older model crap in landfills) that drives our industries to produce so much... & yeah, I guess this is simplistic. If there was no industry, there'd be no jobs. No jobs, no money to buy stuff including food, people would starve (or at least us city people who've forgotten how to look after ourselves without a grocery store near by).

...but yeah, the '41 lawnmower' lifestyle was what I was thinking about when I wrote the 'grace' post - this is the 'disease' that I'm infected with, along with just pride & things like that....

.... this second song is Billy's response/contrast to the 41 lawnmower lifestyle. It's a lifestyle that the people at the community house are starting to aspire to & one that I am hoping to grow into as well.... It's something where you can look at it & think, "my that's naive, it's too simple".... but sometimes I wonder if it's the simple things of actually loving people (which is in reality perhaps the hardest thing to do) that can really change this planet....

"All Together" - by Billy Crockett

(CHORUS) All together Sing the song, all together, everyone belongs together a family, we are all all all all together.

“Life is what you make it”, that’s what they say, but Jesus says you find it by giving your heart away. So we’re here together and love is the key that opens every lonely heart and shows us how to be

(CHORUS) All together Sing the song, all together, everyone belongs together a family, we are all all all all together.

Friends are smiles God sends to brighten our way A friend is someone special like love on a summer day So we are here together in God’s family to smile together, cry together, love and learn to be

(CHORUS) All together Sing the song, all together, everyone belongs together a family, we are all all all all together.

spoken: In Christ there is neither Jew, Greek, male, female, rich or poor, we are all one. There is neither graduate student or freshmen, there is neither honor student or drop out, we are one.. in Christ. There is, I want to say no color, but I think I'll say there is all colors & it's all good.... He said I am the vine & you are the branches. Stay connected. Stay attached to me & I will keep you together.... love each other.. isn't it better love than that someone would lay down his live for a friend & then He went out & did it...