Haunted

"I was a miserable father twice... I never intended to stay away, son. It was just that, back home, everywhere I looked I saw your mother." - Bob Fraser
"I know, dad" - Benton Fraser

Due South, "Hunting Season"

There are places in life where you are haunted. Places where you walk alone & yet there are ghosts with you every where you turn. Memories of what was, dreams of what could have been. Everywhere you look you can see evidence, shadows, of these things, these people that your heart longs to see...

Sometimes it's memories of old friends... you go to some place you used to hang out. Some place where you had coffee & shared a laugh, or stories, or tears.... and suddenly you find yourself overwhelmed by memories & emotions & you see the past flicker before your eyes & can watch yourself sitting there, talking with them.... Sometimes it's a smell, or a taste of a favorite food - or someone says something or you see a stranger that reminds you of them & you realize in that moment how much their presence is missed.

And sometimes you end up being haunted by people you haven't met yet. They're people that your heart knows. People your dreams have given shape to - what they'll look like, who they'll be, the adventures you'll share...all this stuff.... and there are days when the ghosts of what could be are quiet & you live your normal life quite merrily going about the day to day. But other days, the quiet & silence, the moments alone speak in whispers of the one who is not there & the sense of loss/emptiness that is there simply because they are not....

Years ago, Wes King wrote this beautiful/heartwrenching song about his longing for kids & he & his wife's battle with infertility (now they've got 3 boys, but looks like Wes is fighting cancer).... anyhow, the song lyrics to "Thought you'd be here" go like this:

"We thought you'd be here by now /your Mother and I /We're praying through our tears / that somehow / We might hear your sweet cry / Have we waited to long / It's getting harder to be strong / Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing / I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme / and melodies, child / And if you like dreaming / Your Mother will make your / imagination run wild / Somehow, / we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you, upstairs / It's right down the hall / So we'll be close should you ever / get scared / We'll come when you call / It's a room full of stories / Waiting to be told / Longing to behold

And if you like laughing / I'll paint you a circus of smiles / and ferris wheels, dear / And if you like living / Your Mother will fly you to / worlds both far and near / Somehow....

I never knew the silence / could make me so deaf / I never knew that I could / miss someone I never met / Miss someone I haven't met yet

We'll be waiting "

and yeah, sucks to be looking for people that you haven't met (yet). Sometimes you think they're just dreams & that they don't exist. Other days you hear of things like good dads getting cancer or noble husbands saying goodbye to their beloved wife & you think, 'maybe it's easier to do the alone gig. It's less risky & you get kind of used to it.' But yeah, life never lets you get used to the alone gig for too long. There's always some nut-job who wants to be nice to you & reminds you you're still part of the human race, still part of these mythical things called 'community' and 'family'.... and yeah, even if those people aren't there, there's always the not-met-yet people that haunt your dreams & your waking hours....

Renaissance Lost?

Heard some songs from Ray Charles tonight. Been thinking about things. Loved the movie 'Ray' and just found it interesting that (assuming the movie was somewhere close to reality), that Ray Charles was shunned by the majority of the church for mixing 'sacred' music with the secular. He became the 'Sinner Man'... someone cast outside the church....and yeah, it makes me wonder what we've done.... to leave a man outside the church to wrestle with his own demons & addictions & shun him when he tries to weave in "God's stuff" into the every day.... What would've happened if he was instead embraced by the church? Would that have changed him? Changed our world? Or was it necessary for him be outside the church in order to create a legacy of many, many songs known & loved by millions of people, a legacy of excellence & of a pioneer in both music & in doing what people figured a black man couldn't do in those days... Would the church's embrace stifled his gifts or crushed his innovations under the weight of what is 'proper'....

In the TV series "Jeremiah" there's an episode where one of the guys mentions that the Renaissance began when the church finally opened their doors & let all the art & wisdom & knowledge out that they'd been hiding & 'protecting' throughout the dark ages.... and I'm not sure. That whole statement could be totally revisionist history, but it makes me wonder sometimes if we in the church aren't blocking new renaissances every once in a while by not letting people be different in their expression of their creative gifts....

Audience

Canadian audiences bug me. Especially at music related events. We do a very good job of being reserved audiences. We sit in our seats & clap at the end of things and in all the right places in between. But that's about it.... Somewhere in my head I got the idea that humans weren't really meant to be audiences. We were meant to participate - that, even in a performance, that there is a transfer, a transaction, of energy between performers & audience.... that somehow the performer gives of themselves & pours out themselves like a sacrifice before the audience & the audience returns with their collective energy, the sum of a room full of hearts & minds being a part of, believing in this art, this beauty, this 'word made flesh'....and somewhere in there the artist is re-energized, filled again to be able to pour out more & more of themselves which in turn inspires an even greater flow from the audience & the cycle repeats in one breathtaking experience that leaves the whole room drained at the end of the night like they've just been through some huge emotional workout.....

...but yeah, we don't do that in Canada. We're too proper. Maybe for sporting events. maybe if we've had lots & lots of beer.... but not for 'cultured' events... We sit & watch & evaluate... but we don't participate. And church is like this too - one poor schmuck gets up to sing or preach or teach & the rest sit there to evaluate.... (and yeah, i know in saying this, I'm part of the problem more than part of the solution).

Maybe this is why Canada has 'needed' to embrace multiculturalism. Maybe it's 'cause we European imports need to learn some stuff from the other cultures. We need black folk to teach us about soul, about how to sing, how to be loud & unreserved. Maybe we need Hispanic people to teach us how to move, how to find rhythm & to recapture the beauty of the human body in motion. Maybe we need the French to teach us how to love, how to live wildly & experience the beauty & richness that life has to offer. Maybe we need the native peoples to teach us how to see - how to see the land around us & be a part of it instead of just parasites on it - about how to see the greater picture, to stop & be quiet for a while & recognize that we are part of a greater whole, that we are part of 'tribe' and 'family' more than just individuals.... and yeah, I'm sure there's something that us white-y anglo saxon protestant types can bring to the table, too... but I just can't think of what that would be right now.....

Thank God for Rock 'n' Roll

One of the things I thank God for these days is rock 'n roll. I grew up where anything secular was 'bad' & hence didn't get to listen to it other than at school when friends had stuff playing... & have to admit, I liked some of it. Loved some of it actually. used to wear a walkman around for a while listening to AM106 & all the (bad) '80's tunes they were playing... and, once i was banned from listening to it, I'd sneak a listen in my bedroom at night, listening to the "top 10 @ 10" and letting the music sink in....

... Over the years since university, I've made the musical progression to Contemporary Christian Music to various folk/rock types - U2 & Toad the Wet Sprocket - and have kept progressing until now I listen to pretty much anything (even went through a country phase - there are some beautiful songs that speak about real life stuff in country tunes).

And there is such richness in the music outside the church. (and, no question, there are artists within the Christian subculture that create beautiful & amazing art & music as well). There are songs that just talk about life & what it means to be human. There are many deeply spiritual songs, songs that speak of a God who is real & tangible - sometimes He is more obvious in the songs of the secular than in the schlock of the 'sacred' music industry.

Last Saturday night I was in at Boston Pizza on 16th Ave. enjoying some BP's grub while reading through some of Donald Millar's "Searching for God Knows What". The place was packed, so I chose to give the hostess a break & wandered into the lounge so she wouldn't have to try to seat me in packed house. The lounge was good. Smokey, all kinds of interesting people. Loud people behind me talking about bar escapades & such. A couple of guys (who may have been a couple) to my left wearing, well, sweaters that I'd expect to see on girls.... maybe they were european or something & just know fashion better than I do.... The service was great & the food was good & the time was magical.

And woven into this was the radio playing.... and I let the sounds wash over me... grinding guitars, beats pounding out...and mixed into this came the lyrics.... songs like "Angels losing sleep" by Our Lady Peace, "The Future is X-Rated" by Matthew Good, and...

"I’ve been on Heaven’s doorstep,/With the Door open,/One foot inside/I’ve cried out…God give me answers!
Please hush child I’ll tell you why/You have/Loved me when you were weak,/You kept
Giving unselfishly,/Kept you from/Falling…Falling/Everywhere but your Knees!

You set me free!/To live my life
You became my reason to survive the great divide/You set me free!

Oh…our love is beautiful/Oh…oo…oh…Isn’t it beautiful?
Times have changed/But you remain/My everything
Our Love is Beautiful/Stood by my side/Helped me survive
My great Divide/Isn’t this is beautiful.

You set me free!/To live my life
You became my reason to survive the great divide/You set me free! "
- Scott Stapp, "The Great Divide"

" If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff
And you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life in my grip
I would never, ever let you down
And when these words are found
Let it been known that God's penmanship has been signed with a language called love
That's why my breath is felt by the deaf
And why my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind
I, too, dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cuz whenever I open my heart, my soul, or my mouth
A touch of God reigns out"
- Kanye West "Never Let You Down"

And there were others (K-os was in there, too)... but it was just beautiful to recognize in the middle of a smokey lounge with the everyday people, that the good news was being preached to the poor.... or at least whispered over the airwaves for those who want to stop & listen....

Provision

and everything was going so well.... it was a good afternoon. One of those magical ones where every thing seems to go right.... well maybe not quite magical. I'm tired from too much work & not going to bed soon enough, so perhaps I wasn't as 'there' as I could be, but it was good. We went shopping. She found a top that she looked fantastic in & you could tell from her smile, from her glow, that she was happy with it & maybe, just maybe caught a glimpse of how beautiful she really is.Then we went for an experimental supper to a new restaurant where you sort of cooked your own food. And in the end, that was fun, too... neat experience, good conversation, good time.... and then came the drive home....

..and I got caught up in a rant... which, really, even that was going pretty well. The rant started with railing against Christmas music in the malls way too early & then it went to raving about the Christain radio stations "all christmas music, all the time" policies and it went on through about two or three other topics until I got on to talking about the church & money & the way that some places will preach hard that the average people need to 'just have faith' that God will provide their financial needs & then turn around & preach some sermon about how the average people need to give, give, give or the 'work of the Lord' will suffer & crumble without their financial support...

...and in the middle of a perfectly good rant, she asks, "So do you believe that? Do you believe that God will provide your needs?" and later, "What about the people who live in poverty and die of starvation? Does God provide for their needs, too?"

and I tried to answer, really I did. I tried to give some kind of an explanation that made sense... but it didn't... I talked about God's provision in my life & the places where I have had lack/want. i talked about Psalms 37 & the verse about having never seen the righteous begging bread & how the righteous have had to beg for bread. I talked about Jesus's comments to those gathered around after the 'sinful woman' poured perfume on His head that "the poor you will have with you always"... I talked about how poverty & lack gives us chances to show love & how sometimes the apparent 'lack' is sort of what we need to grow....

...and yeah, none of it made sense or came together, and in the end I was just flailing, hoping to find some shred of something that would bring some credibility back. Something that wouldn't make me look like a whack job, some crazy man indoctrinated by some cult... Mostly I was looking for something to bridge the gap... something to halt the spread of the ever deepening silence & the ever widening distance between us....

...and yeah, there wasn't anything. She went back to being cheerful & back to admiring her purchases. I went back to pretending to being happy, all the while feeling the distance crawl inside each of us again.... to feel the wedge between us one more time....

and yeah, i don't have good answers. Do I believe that God is good? Yes. Do I know what 'good' means? No. Do I believe that God provides? Yes. Do I believe that I have/will experience lack? Do I believe that God could walk me through poverty, despair, starvation, sickness, loneliness, heartbreak, cancer, death? Yes. How can I belive two 'opposite' things at once? I don't know. It's not logical, it doesn't fit a framework of anything I can find words & language to explain. I know there is great suffering on this planet. I know that I have tasted but a drop of all the pain that there is to be experienced here. I know that that drop has nearly killed me a couple of times. I know that I have winge-d & moaned to God about my life. I know that I have yelled at Him & thrown temper tantrums for not getting what I wanted. I know that I have felt the heartbreak of where I feel He's abandoned me & left me alone & where it feels like His face, His hand, His heart & His provision have been far from me. But in retrospect, looking back, I still say with the hymn writer, "for I know whatever befall me, Jesus does all things well"....

Fools & Tears

Watched the movie 'Jarhead' tonight. It's been calling out to me for a while now & I finally got the change to steal away & see it.

Hard movie to watch. Paints a fairly bleak, though likely realistic, picture of being part of the military today. hard to watch all the destruction & depravity on both sides...and yeah, makes me think that I've really got to do my part to make sure the stuff we build at work works well for the men & women in the field who are using this stuff to try to stay alive...

...in the theater, I was seated in front of some loud & obnoxious people - seemed like a whole family of them - they were chatting throughout the entire movie, occasionally providing loud commentary to the rest of the audience & one of the younger girls in the group was trying out her burping noises. Pretty frustrating to have to let their noise compete with the sound of the film & a story I was sort of engrossed in, but yeah....

...towards the end, in one of the serious parts, the loudest of the family announces to the rest of the theater, "I just have something I want to say to all of you people. You're free to go home now. You have to remember that you're free.... go home & hug your wives or something"...

Bizarre statements in the middle of the movie... sometimes it's good to listen to the crazies... you never know whether someone is a holy fool, speaking riddles & mysteries of truth, or if they're just a fool....

...walking out of the theater, I could feel the earth crying & was overwhelmed with the sorrow of a world that is depraved & dark & where we kill & be killed.... I'm not so sure the loud guy at the theater was right.... I sure don't feel free, here in our land of opportunity, our land without war, our land where we drown our ambitions on avarice & numb our dreams with a plethora of pleasures.... the part about going home to hug your wife sounded like a good idea, but yeah... I know we're made to be free... but I'm not so sure we are....

'Sanctified' Imagination

A while back a guy I knew was trying to raise money so that he could pay for his Bible college tuition. He had the novel idea of printing T-shirts to sell for his own personal fund-raiser....This was probably one of the most novel ideas I'd heard & so I decided to purchase his t-shirts to help support his ingenuity if nothing else.

Anyhow, one of the shirts is red with "Sanctified' printed in white across the chest. I was sort of thinking about wearing it around & was trying to figure out how to explain to people what 'sanctified' meant.... but that planning sort of became moot after one of my gal friends was wearing the shirt & another gal friend made the observation, "Look, it says 'sanctified' right across your boobs".

...and yeah, haven't worn it much at all after that. It's hard not to feel like a hypocrite wearing a 'sanctified' T-shirt with that kind of imagery in your head.

Warning!!!: Rant Ahead....

I'm afraid of Christians... sort of sad to admit that, but it's true.... I'm not scared of them like I'm scared of the dark or afraid of snakes or of monsters in my closet... those are sort of irrational things that grip me in all kinds of odd moments & are sort of hard to fight against.... I mostly have this fear of judgement - it's not a sense of terror, more an expectation than anything else... See I sort of 'know' some of what it takes to be a 'good Christian'... I remember this time back a couple of churches ago where a youth/college pastor was talking to me about what it means to be a growing Christian.... it's to be reading your bible every day, praying every day, being accountable, plugged into a community, etc.... he had the list down that he could evaluate any of 'his' student's lives & know if they were growing or telling him lies... I stood there in his office listening to him as he ran the photocopier & stayed silent 'cause I was in the middle of a time of heartache after I'd been dumped by my 1st actual girlfriend (as opposed to those imaginary ones you dream you have) & I wasn't reading my Bible 'cause I'd been going there to hear from God & it all seemed like just pages & words that had no meaning - only confusion & random condemnation for my lack of, lack of something - for the ways my love couldn't hold the relationship together on it's own, for the ways that I didn't read the signs better, for the way the breakup hit me out of the blue & I, thinking it was God's 'will' that this girl & I be together, was wrestling with the reality of how God pulled it all apart & how I apparently had no idea what God's 'will' was..... and so I didn't tell him that... I didn't tell him either that I wasn't praying so much... the heavens were like brass & every prayer for help seemed to bounce off the ceiling.... I wanted to tell him I was growing, that I was learning about the silence of God, about the dark night of the soul. I wanted to talk about the rich stuff I was getting from "The Gospel According to Job" by Mike Mason, about how I was learning about Gethsemane & the cross & how beautiful it was to step into that place of woe, to find yourself alone & yet not alone... to find yourself somehow mixed up with the One who sweated blood that night....

....but I didn't fit the list.... I was 'not growing' by his definition.... and so yeah, I hid myself 'cause I knew he (or at least figured he) wouldn't understand.... The dude was a bit of a putz.... he had the theory stuff, but hadn't really walked the roads that led outside of the theories... I didn't really respect him or his view points, but yeah, it's funny how the subtle judgement things still kind of affect you....

....and yeah, I remember another woman I met - she was this lady who came from a totally unchurched back ground & she just met & fell in love with Jesus. She'd spend hours talking with him in her kitchen & just chatting with him about anything & everything.... & I remember her talking one day about how bad she felt at a Bible study 'cause she didn't know what half of the terms meant or what all the Bible stories were that they were talking about & how she'd really have to try hard to learn all that stuff so she wasn't so 'bad' a Christian.... and yeah, I tried to counsel her away from that. I told her to just keep chatting with Jesus.... I was afraid that if she tried to fit in, that it'd kill her.....

And yeah, I'm pretty messy... I'm a pretty real person with all kinds of stuff that is 'in process' - nothing in my life is 'set' or 'secure' or 'stable'.... I know people worry about my sanity (I worry once in a while, too, but not as much as others).... but yeah, it feels like around Christians that I have something to prove... that I have to jump through some hoops to show people that I'm 'OK' to be in the club.... and really, more than anything, I'm looking to be accepted as me, but yeah, I live in the expectation that 'me' isn't good enough for what people are looking for in the church.....

...and yeah, I've been (and likely still am) guilty of it, too.... I try now to just listen to people, but yeah, I still do it, I still judge, I still look at people & weigh out where they're at in their lives... some of it is a defense mechanism, I am cautious with who I talk to these days... but a lot of it is still the crap of figuring out where people sit on the scale of 'spirituality'..... sad, sad, sad....

.... I sort of hate the word 'holiness'.... it's a great word, but I just don't think we know what it means any more.... I hear about Christians striving towards holiness & I cringe... Maybe if I thought I could get there, I'd cringe less & try more, but I know I'm not much good at 'holiness' in terms of 'not sinning'.... there are some sins I like - they help fill the holes for a little bit... some of it I just know that I'm not strong enough/don't have enough will power to be flawless... some of it I just have this idea that 'sinning' is really just 'not loving' and yeah, I know full well that I don't love anything like Jesus does.... I'd like to, but that'll take miraculous intervention on His part to open my heart to receiving love & enabling me to give it....

But yeah, often it seems to me that those 'striving for holiness' are just trying to be really moral & not do anything 'bad'... it's like a diet program where you're not supposed to eat chocolate & everyone in the room is talking about all the chocolates they haven't eaten while I'm going, wow, I really like chocolate & don't want to give it up & afraid I'm going to be stoned (with rocks, not weed) if they find out that I'm enjoying chocolate when I'm not around these people.... There are often different standards of 'holiness' to live up to & I sort of have to remember who I'm around to remember what I can talk about or can't talk about.... & yeah, I've tried doing that, but I forget....

I often wonder sometimes whether the pursuit of 'holiness' doesn't become a cloak for our pride or our insecurities.... I hear people talk about wanting to 'please God' and I wonder sometimes whether God isn't just pleased with us being us... that He just really likes us even with all of our self-destructive behaviour... He wants the self-destruction to go 'cause it's killing us, but He really likes us.... and yeah, I find in my own life any time I'm pursuing 'holiness' or 'spirituality', really I'm just trying to impress God with how worthy I am to be loved by Him, trying to show to Him how 'good' I am while I'm sweeping all the other stuff under the carpet & hoping he doesn't notice the mound that is piling up under the rug.... and in all of that, I'm trying to ask Him to love a mask when all He wants to do is love me (and my collection of captive & [poorly] concealed dust bunnies).

I'm not sure I like the concept of 'spirit' any more either. The last church I was at talked about 'alignment' a lot - about how humans are made of body, soul & spirit & how that the body & soul are 'bad' if they're not placed under the spirit, or driven by the spirit.... and yeah, I've got to admit that I sort of don't understand the concept. The idea of body I get - 'cause I have one... one that seems to be getting bigger & more noticeable every year.... I understand the concept of soul, if we define the soul as our mind, will & emotions, or the collection of our personality - the internal stuff of who we are... This, though it's not as noticeable as a body, I also understand to some degrees 'cause I can think & rationalize things - therefore I figure I have a mind.... I feel stuff & so figure I have emotions, I choose & therefore figure I have a will.... and I know that 'me' is somehow more than just the physical & there is an internal life that I call 'me'..... and so this is what I assume 'soul' is...

...but 'spirit', I don't understand.... it's not something I can put a finger on. My definition for it is the part of me that is 'God-conscious', the part of me that is alive to Him - though even in that it's blurred 'cause I know God is evident to all of me - spirit, soul & body - in different ways... perhaps more subtle ways.... I just know there have been moments of thoughts, or emotions, or choices, or eating good food, or movement, or laughter, or tears, or something where I've felt God's presence - felt perhaps not in some nice tangible way, but sort of had an 'understanding' of His presence with me - that He was enjoying the fact that He could share a moment with me, live in my skin.... and yeah, it's hard to define I guess.....

...& I've asked people to define 'spirit' to me... It's fantastic when you ask 'cause you get all kinds of answers. Most are pretty vague... Lots of times people look at you like you've just asked 'who is Jesus' or something... Other times people just get flustered & go, "well, you just know when it's your spirit - it's just obvious" - which never really seems to cut it for me... it's like the explanation of how do you know when you're really in love - people tell you that "you'll just know when you know" - which is impossible to try to implement as an imperical test.... how do you prove that? I've had to begrudgingly accept that people are probably right with the love answer thing, but yeah, it still frustrates me when the best answer I get about a persons 'spirit' is that it just is & you 'know' when God is speaking to your spirit....

...I've had one guy in a pulpit talk about how the spirit is right there in your belly - in the center of your being - and you can talk to your spirit there & he was trying to get us to focus on our bellies & listen to what they had to say.... I talk with my belly every so often... usually it says 'hungry', 'not hungry', 'almost full', 'full', 'too full', 'way too full', or 'what makes you think we can fit into these pants?!' Lately it tells me it's too big, but it's threatening to cause pain to the rest of the body if I try to exercise to decrease it's size....

...and yeah, it bothers me sometimes when people talk about what they 'feel in their spirit' or what they 'feel God is saying'... I mean it's cool & all when you know that God is saying something, but it sure changes the context of a statement for the hearers. If someone tells me what they think or feel, then I'm cool with listening & weighing it out to see what I think/feel about what they said.... but when someone tells me "thus saith God", well, that comes with a whole different set of options - it's either agree with the statement or your disagreeing with 'God' - though there have been lots of times where it hasn't been God talking, it's been opinion talking trying to look like God so it'll get listened to....

and it sucks... I love that verse in Psalms 68 about God puts the solitary in families... I think that's a beautiful idea for the planet & for me 'cause i know what it's like to be solitary & I know what it's like to long for family... but yeah, I've been disappointed that the 'family' I've looked for in the church is often the people who I feel least safe around, least free to be myself & actually talk about what's going on in my life....

...tonight I had a phone call with an old friend & yeah, the fears came up again... he asked me how much time I was spending in 'The Word' (which is Christian code for "the bible" in case you didn't know) & whether I was growing & stuff.... I told him I'd hardly been reading anything. I'd read some other good books, but not too much in the Bible itself. I told him I thought I was growing, but it's hard to tell & it really depends on whose measuring stick you use.... & yeah, I'm afraid of talking to old friends. I used to look like a much better Christian than I do now... I used to feel like the 'great white hope', like someone that God was going to do something with, that I'd help Jesus change the world... & yeah, now I'm just a dude who works & goes home & sort of hangs with people... I'm 'normal' and 'average' and there are moments where that is the most beautiful, the most brilliant & wonderful thing.... moments where there is a euphoria just from being alive & breathing.... but yeah, it's the time around old friends, or around church folk, or really just those places where I feel like there's an expectation on me that I'm afraid that just living & enjoying life & enjoying the gift of being me isn't enough... that it disqualifies me somehow....

...and really I suppose the biggest fear in all of this is that the other voices are right, that God is on the 'side' of those who are 'holy' or 'spiritual' or 'righteous' and that really He doesn't like me, doesn't want me unless I 'clean up my act'.... See that's the image of God I got when I was little & I've tried to escape that idol, but it seems to haunt me a lot.... My view of Jesus the lover is sometimes a fragile one & hard to maintain with all the voices around telling me of the 'not enoughs'.... and yeah, sometimes I forget who Jesus is, or lose confidence in what I've learned about Him.... after all, I could easily be wrong, I could be totally deluded & lying to myself (which is often what I wonder if people think).... but yeah... if that's the case though, I'm growing in this place where it sort of doesn't matter.... if the Jesus that I love, worship, believe in isn't the Jesus of the cross, the God who would leave all for the sake of love, who would give up all to win me back from the hell I've chosen, the one who loved me when I was His enemy, the one who broke down all the walls to be able to call me His friend, His beloved... if this isn't the real Jesus, then I don't need to worry about religion... The only God I want is the one who gave Himself on the cross for the sake of love, the one who gave only son because of His love for the world.... if the real God isn't that God, then I don't want him... 'cause it's a waste of my time to serve petty deities who won't accept their worshippers unless they jump through a million hoops to get to them....

Anyhow, that was the rant. Time to sleep now....

Brennan & Rich

The following is a quote I love from Brennan Manning talking about Rich Mullins. It's on the "Homeless Man: The Restless Heart of Rich Mullins" video:

There's a scene in Thornton Wilder's play The Angel that Troubled the Waters which to me really captures the essence of the life and the spirituality of Rich Mullins.

The scene is a doctor comes to the pool everyday wanting to be healed of his melancholy and his gloom and his sadness. Finally the angel appears. The doctor, he's a medical doctor, goes to step into the water. The angel blocks his entrance and says, "No, step back, the healing is not for you." The doctor pleads, "But I've got to get into the water. I can't live this way." The angel says, "No, this moment is not for you." And he says, "But how can I live this way?"

The angel says to him, "Doctor, without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children of this earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."

And to me the theme of that story is the theme to Rich Mullins' life. All grace, all light, all truth, all power are communicated though the vulnerability, the brokenness, the utter honesty of men and women who have been shipwrecked, heartbroken, broken in the wheels of living. In love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve. And to me, the power of Rich Mullins life lay in the power of his brokenness, the power in his unblinking honesty, his deeply moving sincerity and God, I miss him. But to my dying day I will boast and with honor will say that Rich Mullins was my friend.

Why I bail on church

I didn't want to go to church tonight....

See, I'd already been to church this morning. I went with my parents, who were in town for a visit, to my cousin's church. We went, it was long - made even longer by the fact that I'd tuned out about 1/3 of the way through. Things just went on & on & it wasn't stuff I was connecting with. After the service was (finally) done, we ended up going down to their newcomer's luncheon to welcome new people & help them meet others in the church & get connected so that people could decide if they wanted to make this church their 'church home'... I went to hang out with my parents (and the food was free (& yummy)). My parents went, well, I'm not sure exactly why - maybe it's 'cause they like to talk to new people, or maybe it's cause they're hoping to 'help' me find a new church - some good place where I can get settled in, meet some nice Christian girl & be all happy & stuff.... they worry about me... they worry 'cause I don't go to church on Sunday mornings. They worry 'cause I don't always go to church on Sunday nights (or anytime). They worry about me 'cause I've expressed sentiments of frustration with the church - I've asked "what's the point?!" because, in frustration, I haven't understood any more the reasons why I'm going to church....

...and all of these things are foreign to my parents. Going to church is just part of life for them. As a Christian, it's what you do - you go to church on Sunday morning. You dress up, look nice & head out to sing & listen to a sermon (sometimes one that you sleep or fidget through, but at least you're there). At home, my parents faithfully attend a church of 3 people - mom, dad & the pastor. It used to be a church of seven, but us three boys moved away & the pastor's mom died.... I often marvel why they bother (the part where the pastor calls dad up to take the offering is particularly odd - mom plays the piano & so the only person sitting in the pews is dad, so he gets up, receives the offering plate from our pastor, prays to bless the offering , puts his check/money in & hands it back to the pastor & goes to sit back down - then at the end of the day, since he's the church treasurer, too, my dad counts the money that he put into the plate & records it in his notebook)....

...at the end of it, I ended up with a pictorial directory of the church. I told my mom I didn't want it ('cause I wasn't planning to make this place 'home' and didn't want to waste their money taking something I wouldn't use), but yeah, she, in that gentle mom way, kept asking me if I wanted it until I finally got tired of being asked & just took the book....

...and so yeah, I didn't want to go tonight...

...but I went. I left the house late. I left dragging my feet, but I went.... why?! well, I don't know why... out of habit, out of obligation, out of a sense of having nothing better to do....

...I went I guess looking for connection.... I've had crazy busy weeks lately with work & have been run ragged. haven't slept that well. Have a busy, busy week ahead. My very close & wonderful friend has sort of been out of the loop for the last couple of weeks... and yeah, I sort of know/think that connection is what I need, or is what I'm looking for.... some of it is loneliness, some of it is just looking for something - looking for that 'aha!" moment - that moment where things make sense, or where joy clicks in, or something....

...and yeah, i got to church, chatted a bit with friends, listened to the music some & yeah, just slowly felt my heart tune out again.... used to be I'd blame the circumstances of what was going on, but yeah, I've come to realize now that likely my problems with church are more internal than external.. I think we can do the same thing at church & one night I'll be all happy about it & then next night I'll go "ugh, why am I here?"

...so I slipped out to phone the movie theaters to see if I could get to a showing of 'Jarhead', but no such luck.... so I stayed & listened for a while & listened to Sheri talk. It was good to hear her stories, but yeah, my tummy hadn't been fed & I was itching to leave & would've loved to listen to her talk over supper, but yeah, just didn't want to be at church & so yeah....

...so I left.....

...before I left, I heard Sheri launch into her message proper. To begin she asked several questions: "are you hungry for God?" "do you really want Him?", "Is he your first thought every morning & your last thought at night?", "do you love to spend time with him & try to make time for moments alone with him?".... and yeah, good questions, but questions that bother me... it's kind of the second time in recent history that they've come up (Brennan's been asking similar things in his "the importance of being foolish" book (which I'm actually having a hard time with reading - normally Brennan's books are really soothing to me, but I've been kind of frustrated with this one))....

...and yeah, my answers to the questions? I don't know... I really don't know... I want to say yes, that I ache for God, but that's not entirely true... I sure don't put a ton of effort into pursuing Him... I've tried to stop worrying about whether I'm 'seeking' or not.... I heard so much of the 'are you hungry for God?' question at the last church that I was at that I now have an animosity towards the question... mostly 'cause the question came with this ultimatum - that 'obviously' the reason why things weren't going right in your life, the reason why stuff didn't make sense, the reason why God didn't feel close was 'cause you weren't hungry enough - all of your faith falls apart 'cause you don't have enough juice, enough hutzpah to chase down the almighty. God wants to see effort, drive, dedication.... and yeah, since I'm a very un-disciplined kind of guy, I gave up on that....

...well, not really - see I tried hard to manufacture it all. i like God. I think He's pretty fantastic - hard to deal with & a little scary, but fantastic none the less... and I wanted Him, I wanted to want Him & so yeah, I poured myself in as best I could & always found that it wasn't enough - I stayed me & the circumstances of life didn't change - and so yeah, I gave up, but mostly after coming to the conclusion that I was defective & that God didn't want to talk to me 'cause I didn't have 'what it takes'.....

...now, I've been sort of unlearning that crap & trying to settle back into the reality that I'm loved 'cause I am & accepted just 'cause He's gracious & 'cause He actually likes me... He wants me to 'win', He wants me to rest & just enjoy being His....

...but yeah, back to Sheri's questions - my first thought in the morning?: usually it is 'ugh, i don't want to get up' or smack, smack, 'where is that danged snooze button'. I'm barely functional in the morning.. If I think about anything other than getting dressed, remembering my name & figuring out how to drive the car to work, I think I'm doing pretty good.... sometimes there are profound thoughts in the morning - epiphanies in the shower (don't read anything into that) - but yeah, they're more rare.....and my last thought before bed?: often it's about sex... thinking about sex, or the general lack of sex in my life, or about wanting sex, or yeah.... other nights it's just flailing - looking for some moment of significance or accomplishment to end the day on, sometimes it's the mental preparation for what tomorrow holds.... and sometimes it's just the general sense of gratitude that the day is at an end & i can enjoy a nice warm comfy bed....

so yeah.... I didn't hear the rest of the message 'cause I went to fill my belly... I hoped for deep conversation to happen somewhere in the night, but it didn't look like it was going to work out so I went home to watch TV & surf the net hoping something intelligent would pop up that I could contemplate... but yeah, none of that either.....but yeah, I don't know what the message had to conclude.... that there was some other 'way out' for people like me who don't have Jesus as 'first thought/last thought', people like me who are more interested in filling my belly instead of (presumably) waiting around in church for my soul/spirit to get filled.... or that I'm screwed - that I either need to cowboy up & muscle it in - work harder, try better - or that God will just set me aside 'cause I haven't done enough.....

....and yeah, I have an image of Jesus, which I like to think is legitimate - it's the image of Him in the gospels & the Old Testament - the crazy lover who doesn't know when to quit. The one who is so overwhelmed with love for His bride that He'll steam roll over whole nations to get to her, who'll romance her & bless her with every good thing, who'll, when she takes him for granted, let her walk her own way, let her choose what isn't good in order that she can learn how much she does long for Him, does want Him. He is the one who sees her as dark yet lovely, who walks into her darkness, who embraces her weakness & loves her & pours his strength & light into her.... he's the one that the prostitutes could love & trust - the man who, after they'd been abused by every man, won their trust, their adoration, their tears & kisses 'cause He showed them love, real love....

...and yeah, this is the Jesus I want to know... I just have this history of hearing about 'coach Jesus' - the one who'll bench you if you don't put out. The one who wants you in the weight room every day, reading up on the 7 secrets of successful people & pushing harder & father to reach some prize of 'pleasing' him.... and yeah, I'm sick of the concept of the 'coach Jesus'.... it's like a monkey on my back, an addiction that won't let go.... I want to know the Jesus that Mary Magdalene would weep over - though a lot of times it feels like I've barely met Him... 'cause that kind of love seems so ethereal - like fairy tales, like stuff your heart whispers in your dreams & when you awake you can feel how real it was, but it fades like the mist in the morning light.... but yet you catch the memory of it in each moment - with the wind in the wheat, with the breathing of the oceans, with the smile of a friend....

And yeah, I want my faith to be romance & not discipline.... I want it to be about relationship instead of order & structure & rules.... and hence this is maybe why I still go to church week after week (minus the weeks I skip 'cause I lose hope & start looking elsewhere)... I'm looking for romance... for connection... for something deeper, something more... I'd be happy to just hit deep conversation with friends... I'd be ecstatic to meet a woman to fall in love with... meeting the risen Christ for real - encountering the love that made Mary pour out everything at His feet - this is almost too good to hope for... though I'd love to meet Him there (though often I think I meet this Jesus, the one the prostitutes knew loved them, in the highways & byways of the everyday - little moments of wonder where I see His love revealed in something....

....and yeah, I've heard people talk, using the romance metaphor, about how shoddy our relationships would be if we treated our significant others the way we treat Jesus & yeah, I can see that & used to spout that stuff myself (recently I've had the scary thought that God could justifiably send me a woman to fall head over heels for that treated me as badly as I treated Him... that was sort of a scary thought).... but yeah, I've thought about it, too, that, having not been married, I don't really understand what marriage entails... I used to think I knew what it felt like to 'fall in love' - but since nothing's really worked out, I sort of question the validity of that & whether I know anything about being 'in love'... I know what it's like to be infatuated (for lack of a better term). i know what it's like to be fascinated with someone - to spend most every waking moment thinking about them & desiring them & wanting to know just a little bit more of who they are.... but yeah, I've also seen how infatuation turns into the reality of the every day.... I've seen in friendships & family relationships how there is the longing for closeness, for intimacy, for those moments of deep talks sharing all of who you are, but I've seen how that these moments are the rare ones (and once you've gone over all the deep stuff, what else is there to talk about?). I've seen how the majority of life, the majority of relationship is the show & tell of rehearsing our days to one another - sharing the little moments & speaking out the stuff of what happened & how it made us feel or what we thought about....

...I've come to realize (or think that I've realized - again this is the uninformed observations of a single guy), that intimacy is not this continual rush of these 'magic' moments - no perpetual high of ever deepening revelations about the other... Instead, most of it is the daily grind - the simply being there with each other, sharing in the mundane, eating, together, sleeping together, walking together, talking together, everything together - just sharing life in all of it's goods & bads, ups & downs.... and in the end, the foundation for all of the special moments of what we feel are 'true intimacy' is really the lifetime of the day to day that we've spent together with the one we love....

...and yeah, for me, that's why I'm still a Christian, why there is a perpetual choice made in my life to choose Christ... It's not really a choice I make, more it's a something that's chosen me, a choice that makes me.... I love God 'cause He loves me... I chose Him 'cause He's chosen me... He is the source of all & the one who has walked tirelessly through my life, the one who shares my flesh & who shares my mundane moments of life.... He is tirelessly faithful & loyal & the picture of the love that I'd like to exhibit (or, well, more honestly, the love I'd like to experience).... and like Peter I find myself saying, "where else can I go, only you have the words of eternal life"....

To Christopher

Sometimes doing the right thing is to walk away & curse & swear & throw things around... Sometimes it's best to follow your heart & know that your heart is made for more than this... made to be like the wind that Jesus talks about in John 3 - that blows to & fro & where it's coming from or where it's going, you just never know....

Run away from her, man. As nice & as sweet as she is, she'll choke your spirit & leave you dry.... Her religion of light is a cloak over the embrace of death.... You were born to be free, to be a king. She won't understand your heart of generosity & love, a heart that is unbounded & unchained - free from the bonds of the way the world is 'supposed' to work.

You need a lover much more wild, one that reflects your wild heart & His.

belief/found out pt2/confession

Much of the Serenity movie has stuck with me & left me with stuff to ponder.... one of the ponder-worthy things (of many) that I've had on my list of 'crap-to-write-about' list for a while is the contrast in belief. In the movie, the crew of Serenity is hunted by "the Operative". He is this handsome, polite, charming, intelligent person who works for the Alliance to help bring their vision of world order into reality. To do this, he kills anyone who doesn't fit the mold. He's busy trying to create a 'world without sin' - a place where only the 'refined', the 'righteous', the 'pure' live, a place of 'utopia' where everyone believes in the 'goodness' of the Alliance, where they believe that it's good to give up control, give up freedoms & choice for the sake of having a 'clean' & 'good' society where it is safe & they're protected from anything 'bad'....

...and in the movie he's a such a great threat because he believes. He believes fully that his cause is just, that he fights for what is right & that he's doing the right thing. He knows he's 'sinning' in killing people, but he's doing it to bring the greater good, to help create the utopia that he will not be welcome in. He believes in this vision so much that he will risk his own life, will give anything to see the dream come true.

This is contrasted with Mal, the captain of the ship Serenity, who has no belief....all that he's believed in has been stripped away, crushed under the heel of the Alliance. All he wants now is to be left alone, left to journey the night sky in his little ship with his little crew, making enough money to stay alive & travel fast enough to stay just off the radar.... His heart's been hardened by disappointment & his sense of belief is kind of shot....

...in the middle of the movie, Mal & Shepherd Book, the wandering preacher with the mysterious past, are talking & the Shepherd warns Mal of the danger of those pursuing him & counsels Mal that the only way to fight this is to believe.... Mal comments that God is likely not going to be much help in a firefight. Shepherd Book replies angrily to this, "Why do you automatically assume when I talk about belief that I'm talking about God. I don't care what you believe in, just believe in it "

And I've pondered this statement quite a bit, trying to plumb the depths of it's validity or non-validity....I've been contemplating belief, it's strengths & weaknesses. The good & the bad of it....

...this last week I ended up talking to another Christian & he was talking about the 'sad' state of affairs in the world & how church attendance is plummeting everywhere in the western world (except in America, which to him seemed this bastion/beacon of hope for decency). He wondered what it would take to get Canada shaken up, what would get Canada as a nation to really turn to God. And he told me, almost proudly, that he'd been thinking that this whole pandemic thing could be exactly what is needed, that "people can't deny their need for God when they see their family & friends dying all around them."

And yeah, it made me feel sick....I wish I would've yelled at him, or slapped him or done something to show some kind of reaction of disgust or something....but no, being the polite Canadian I am, I carried on the conversation & tried to steer him towards the idea that we already know that we're empty, already know that we are longing for something more - that Gen-X is here because we've had all our hopes & dreams of happiness & brighter tomorrows dashed by the way that our parents have given their lives in dedication to work or church only to watch the companies & religion turn their backs on them & steal their money, time & the best years of their lives....

...but I had to think, I was afraid, and asked myself whether I'd spoken things like that before. I know that I've probably prayed for God to do 'something drastic' to make people realize their need for Him.... I hope, I pray that I never asked God to kill people in order to help them decide that they should 'believe' in Him.... but I do know that in my zeal, in my 'belief', I've likely hoped & prayed for bad things to happen to people so that they'd realize their need - I've sat like some sick vulture waiting, perched just out of reach waiting for someone to crash & burn so I could come in with the 'good news' to 'rescue' them.....

...and yeah, the idea of this makes me sick now it makes me go, "God, what was I thinking?". I understand the motivation. I understand that it's motivated by the belief that people 'believing in Jesus' is the best thing for them, the best thing that could happen. It's this 'believe' that we as Christians are trying to 'save people from Hell'. It's rooted in this idea that one human soul is so precious & important that we would rather offend someone than to see them spend an eternity in hell.....

....but I just contrast the way this guy thought (and the way I must've thought) with Paul who, in Romans 10, goes, "If I knew my damnation could result in the salvation of the people of Israel, I'd happily spend eternity in hell just to see them go free".... and it's an odd sentiment, but I think there is more love in that, a willingness to, like Christ, lay down your life for the sake of those you love, that the way that I/this guy have thought about wanting God to 'hurt' or 'kill' people for the sake of 'saving' them.... How much love is that? we sit with our little clean hands & whitewashed walls never once getting ourselves dirty by touching any of the 'unclean'... we pray for our own happiness & security, all the while praying pietistically for the 'them' outside our doors that God will 'punish' them in the hopes that they will 'repent' so they can join our smarmy little club of do-gooders & "nice" people....

In the movie, Mal finds his things to believe in... mostly it's the idea of freedom that he believes in.... the idea that people can make their own choices, that they have the right to choose for themselves.

Joss Whedon, creator/director/writer/etc. of Firefly/Serenity puts it like this: "What I was trying to deal with was the idea of personal freedom and personal responsibility. The idea of the right to be wrong. The idea of the right that everybody has to just be themselves. In the classic utopian future, everyone gets homogenized to the point where you can start to lose that. This was literally about how much you can take away from people before they either break or fight back. That was a part of the show, but it was absolutely the point of the movie and the reason its called Serenity. It's not just the name of the ship or the battle. It's very simply something that people are searching for, and that search will either make them do terrible things or make them do wonderful things."

Mal puts it a bit more bluntly, "They [the alliance] will swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave. " And in the end the rag tag collection of thieves, miscreants, mercenaries, misfits & hookers battles the side of 'right' for the chance to live free....to live as humans were meant to live....

In the past I think I maybe didn't really know, didn't really love, anyone who wasn't in the little church bubble.... I think in the past it was "us' vs. 'them'... Now, to steal a line from an Andrew Smith son, "there is only us" in my mind. I have non-Christian friends that I respect highly. Men & women of integrity, of love & compassion. I see in them wisdom in their choices. They are not governed by some set of morals handed down from a pulpit, but they are guided by the internal conscience, the sense of what is right & wrong....and often I've seen them stand up for justice - that place of defending those who have no defense, speaking for those who have no voice - more than the church has. I see with them true communities, people who love & care for each other, people who open their hearts & homes to one another, people who give generously without a sense of measuring who has given more than another... and yeah, I don't wish them bad... I don't wish for them to experience pain in order to 'need' God.... I don't even want to make some bargain to sell my soul in order to sneak them into heaven.... I see their choices, see the reality that they refuse to believe in a God that is not real to them.... their hearts are open, they'll believe if they see Him, but they haven't encountered him yet.... and won't believe until they've met Him for real.... and I respect that... I value that.. I realize that my faith has become similar - that my heart cry is that I'm tired of hearing theories about God, I only want reality, I only want to encounter him.... and yeah, I don't want someone to 'believe' in God out of fear, or treachery, or 'need' or anything... right now I'm not even sure if 'belief' is what matters.... I want people to fall in love with Jesus - to be romanced by God & swept off their feet - to encounter love that goes beyond some sense of ideas or ideals.....

.... I talked today with our administrative assistant, the one who'd discovered I was a Christian 'cause of my silly christian-radio coffee mug. She mentioned that she'd only 'come to faith' over the last few years and so I asked her why she believed, what was it that made her chose to undergo such a change of heart and to believe in some invisible God. And in her story she talked about how that she never believed in God, but would always fight against people who would mock the bible or say that Christianity was all fake... she talked about how somewhere in her journey someone answered some of her questions about God & suddenly things just became clear in her heart, somehow she just knew she wanted Jesus, wanted to believe in Him and it was just this huge thing inside her that changed....

..and it was beautiful for me to hear that. Having grown up in the church, having not gone through this 'change' myself, I sort of forget why anyone would believe in Christianity... I can sort of understand belief in Jesus 'cause He's fantastic, but yeah.... & I think through great "apologetics", Christianity has been reduced to a set of dogmas - to an intellectual exercise for people to learn to parrot the right phrases & become this homogenous mass of little church puppets that act & do & answer according to the 'acceptable' way of thinking/being.... and I forget the power of Jesus, forget the reality of how people can be 'seized by the power of a great affection'.... I forget what it feels like to fall in love & feel the earth shift under your feet....

Tonight I watched "Blue Like Jazz: Live". Decent play. I wasn't super excited about it, but parts of it made me cry at the beauty of what he had to say....and so that made it well worth the cheap-cheap ticket price of $17.... In the play he mentioned part of the book that I'd forgotten, the part where Donald & his friends go to a rave & open a confession booth where, instead of hearing confessions, they confess to the people that come in.... the 'churched' sit & apologize to the 'unchurched' for the sins of the church against the rest of the world....

...and yeah, it made me think tonight of all I have to 'repent for, of all the ways that I, in my 'belief' have looked like the operative in serenity instead, zealously killing people for the sake of the 'greater good', instead of loving like Jesus.... and so yeah... I apologize for the ways that I have judged... for the ways that I have tried to place myself higher than others, higher than you. I apologize for my pride, for the way that I've tried to find significance, tried to boost my ego by trying to be 'good' or 'righteous' or 'holy' or whatever word I've used to justify trying to separate me from you. I ask your forgiveness for my lack of love.... for the way I have turned a blind eye to the poor & the poor in spirit. For the ways that I haven't listened, haven't loved, haven't given. I am sorry for the way the church has treated the homosexual community, for the ways we have pointed & called you horrible, evil names. For the way that we, in the name of 'Jesus' & the name of 'love' (though really it was in the name of our fears) that we have called you abominations, that we have treated you as less than human. I ask your forgiveness for the way that we, the way that I, have not loved you, have not sat with you like a friend to talk, to listen, to laugh & cry with you. I apologize for the way that we in the church have pointed at AIDS as God's 'judgement' on the homosexual community.... AIDS is the new leprosy... In Jesus's time the lepers were feared & shunned, they were the outcasts & the ones that no one touched.... no one but Jesus. Jesus would always touch the lepers, surrounding them in a hug & it was with His touch that they were made whole, healed.... I ask your forgiveness for the ways that I have not hugged those with AIDS, for the ways that I have not held the dying in my arms, for the way that I have held back the love & healing that could be offered in treating you like a friend, like someone who is precious, like someone Jesus would give everything for.... I ask your forgiveness for the way I have barred the door to heaven, shut the gate of access to Jesus by trying to get you to clean up first instead of just loving you... Forgive me for the places where empty moralizing became more important than loving you... Forgive me for the ways I've thumbed my nose at bars & drinking - for the times I didn't join you in celebration - join you in life. Forgive me for the ways I've distanced myself from you. Jesus was always in the 'worst' places & loved the 'sinners' and the 'sinners' loved Him & were amazed that this man of God, this God, would take such joy in eating & hanging out with them..... and, instead of taking joy in your life, taken joy from sharing your journey, I've kept myself separate, 'protected', insulated in my little bubble of lies. I've stayed in the church when Jesus was in the alleys & the pubs laughing & loving & crying with the every day person.... embracing, loving, getting his hands 'dirty'....

I wish in some ways my hands were less clean.... In Luke 7, it's Mary the 'sinful woman' the prostitute that Jesus points to as the example of a true worshipper, of one with an unashamed love... I want to be like her, want to be like someone who is grateful, someone who has met Love & who has been changed by love.... I wish in some ways I drank or smoke or had sex or did stuff that would make me 'bad' - something that would break down these silly walls that we in the church have made that separate people - Forgive me for the way that morality has determined worth, for the ways that I have not shown grace or compassion..... Forgive me for the ways that I have 'talked a good game' & spoken out about love or grace or justice and really have known nothing of these things save what I've seen from Jesus. I'm a chicken, a coward in so many ways & have walked away from so many chances to love, to give, to show even a scrap of kindness...

Forgive me for not being a reflection of Love, a true reflection of Jesus.... In taking His name, in calling myself 'Christian', I have defamed His name, not by doing 'bad' things (which is how the church seems to think we defame His name), but by the way I haven't loved radically like He does... Honestly, I'm learning how to love, learning how to love & accept myself & I'm learning I'm really not good at any of it & sort of need a lot of help, but am too stubborn to really receive it.... so I'm kind of a slow pupil at this love thing... I want to learn to love like He does, I want to be loved by Him the way the Bible says He loves... I want to be loved by you & to learn that I'm accepted and to be able to learn to accept & cherish the differences in each of us....

the list is endless of the things I can ask forgiveness for - for talking about trying to protect/look after prostitutes, but being scared to talk to them, for the way the church has condemned people having abortions instead of supporting & loving people who are often just scared young girls watching their lives fall apart... for the smarmy way we say "you got what you deserved" and look gleefully on when disasters strike like the twin towers falling or the Tsunamis striking Asia....in the church it seems we've traded Love, traded Jesus, for just another religion... one more set of do's & don'ts which doesn't help anyone, but just kills our ability to live - steals our ability to choose & take responsibility. We've handed over our freedom to "the alliance" we call the church and forgotten that the true church is this ragtag bunch of misfits, miscreants, hookers & thieves all looking for home, searching for our little piece of Serenity...

Forgive me, forgive us, for not loving you, for hiding the face of love from your eyes.... Forgive us for trying to pretend that we're something we're not instead of just being human like everyone else.